To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

It also helps that DD knows who I am and I’ve actually bonded with her.

I love DS but I feel like he’s a pet more than a child. I just have to meet his needs and pray the day goes smoothly 🤦‍♀️

I hold onto the fact that he is developing, slowly but still. I throw everything at him in terms of therapies, play, input and I do everything for him I think may help even slightly… but I just don’t feel the connection I do with DD.

I am genuinely interested in what the solutions are when your child makes your life a living hell and your other child's life is also crap because of it. Because you apparently can't ever contemplate or discuss that you're unable to care for this child without massive detriment to yourself and your other child, so what? You just have to push on with everyone's life being awful and a child who is in many ways totally unaware of being part of a family anyway and may never be aware? Until you have a breakdown, your other child grows up damaged, you are physically unable to keep them safe, etc.

There's no nice solution here. So what can OP do to make life bearable for her and her daughter as well as ensuring her son's safety and well-being? He is one individual, the same as they are, the fact he is disabled doesn't mean that the needs of OP and her other child are unimportant. They are individuals too. Everyone's life matters in this.

I'm sorry, OP, it sounds horrendously difficult and your feelings are totally understandable.

I trust people to know themselves better than strangers do. Besides, neither you nor I have any idea as to what someone has been through.

People absolutely do give up children for adoption/place them in foster care when they cannot cope with their needs. There is no shame in that.

OP
Have a serious think about this.

You had no idea this is what your child would be like.

However a potential adopter would know this from the start, and if they wanted to adopt while having the knowledge in advance it could be a much better situation for both you and the adopter.

THERE IS NO FUCKING HELP!

Stop, please just fucking stop going on about residential care, this help, oh there must be something, no, no there is not, well there is but the amount and frequency and qualifying requirements are designed to be as ineffectual that it is NOT available to the majority of parents with children like the OPs.
It's not there if you are on a low income and trust me it's not even there if you have plenty of funds to throw at the issue, I've been looking for child care for my own son with SEN for over 2 years so I can spend time with my other two children in the holidays and weekends.

THERE IS NOTHING, NO ONE WANTS TO FUCKING HELP.

So please shut the fuck up, am so sick of this nonsense people who have no clue and don't even want to know spouting insulting repetitive useless crap in the guise of help.

I don't think OP could be blamed for considering it. It's such an awful situation. I always knew that I'd struggle if any of my kids had severe or complex needs, I'm just not the sort of person that could cope.
OP I'm so sorry for you. This does sound unbearable.

Hi op, I feel similar I also work for social services and snigger at the respite care comments.... always said by those without disabled children. I wrote a thread by a different username almost word for word like your opening.
I will say my son is still nonverbal at almost 5 but id argue more pre verbal. His language understanding is slowly improving and for the first time ever, he told me he loved me the other day. Age 1-3 were OK. 4 has been horrific. Told doctor if it wasn't for my dd I'd have killed myself. Family don't bother. At almost 5 it finally feels like light might be at the end of the tunnel. My son is happy and the screeching is rare now.
It might get better.

The child is three ,have you any idea how hard it is to.get a residential school?
Its highly unlikely a child will.get a residential.place at three!
Its hard enough in some areas to.get a special school place!

@Clefable There is no 'solution'. Families are expected to carry on. My younger child has significant mental health issues which are probably in part due to having a very challenging sibling.

I can tell you after being well over a decade in the system that noone cares. parents just carry on. There is no alternative. HTH

And who do you imagine are the sort of people who.can cope??
Most of us have no choice but to.bloody cope as there is no other option.
And it's then end of a,long six weeks holidays and im.barely coping right now but I have to .

Wow awful response.

I would push hard with social work for some respite care. You are not doing anything wrong in asking for more help. xx

Sounds really hard OP

Random temporary suggestion that isn't a solution...

Have you met any other parents with similar struggles though your care/pathway etc. is there a local group or something? My thinking was that if you could make one friend with similar challenges who sort of understands the behaviour and might be worn down by it but isn't afraid of it.... you would immediately less alone but also, you might be able to come to some weekly arrangement where you take each others DC for a day a week? Hard as it would be - it probably wouldn't be THAT much worse than just one and the payoff would be a whole day a week to spend on yourself on with your DD.

Could that work?

It's a fair suggestion based on the initial post. But it's hard imagining someone volunteering to take this incredibly difficult situation on.

I have no idea how anyone copes with this. I know people have to cope and have no choice.

Presumably ones that wouldn’t consider adoption an option. If it isn’t something you’d ever consider then yes, of course you’d have to cope, but for some people that would be an option.

You are not horrible, all you are doing is being honest about a very difficult situation and I wish I could think of something, anything that would make it better. X

Poor poor you OP. You have been dealt an absolutely shite hand in the card game of parenting. It sounds horrendous for you and your poor daughter.

Actually disgusted with all the comments telling you to put your child up for adoption or into foster care tbh. Wtf am I even reading.

Parenting is hard, and this kind of parenting is way harder. How you feel is valid but you can address these feelings. Are you having any therapy? I used to hate being a mother and therapy helped me. Could you hire a nanny for a couple of days a week? Which you can then dedicate to spending time with your 2 year old or taking much needed time for yourself? This would be an expense so you might have to juggle financially but knowing you have this time could really help you, even if it's just one day a week or two afternoons. I know things improved for my friend when her child started school. He goes to a specialist school and having 9-3 to herself every day has made a big difference to her wellbeing.

No, you’re not horrible. You’re overwhelmed and you are physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. No one person can care for a loved one with high needs 24/7 without collapsing eventually, with no real help or real breaks.

Your situation is exactly what our tax dollars should be going to, to help you cope, to provide specially trained helpers and nurses and teachers and guides. Any loved one who needs a lot of help day to day, whether a child or elderly or anyone with illness or disability, physical or mental, needs to be prioritized so their families don’t collapse from all the caretaking and so the one with high needs can live the best life possible.

We know you love your child dearly and more than anything in the world. The fact is you’re weary and worn out and need help.

This. I could feel your frustration screaming out of your post. No one, unless they are living with a child with SEN, will ever understand how relentlessly brutal it can be. There is very litte help available - definitely no breakfast clubs or after school so little to no opportunity to work anything more than a limited number of hours per week. No one to babysit because they cannot cope with your child, no holiday clubs etc. It is relentless. To the OP, I would say, start shouting as loud as you can that you are not coping. Tell SW that, if they do not offer some respite, you are placing your child into their care. You absolutely need to mean it, though. SW only deliver if they believe that you mean what you say. The harsh reality is they will offer respite but only if you convince them you are placing your child in their care if you don't get respite. Sending love and solidarity. It DOES get better but start shouting!!

Im sorry this thread has brought up a situation i winessed in a shop. This 4 yr old continually screamed for about 20 mins. His mum was so flustered so on edge it was horrible to witness. They live locally and i know her and her husband are now separated and have other kids too. The poor couple. There is no way on earth a family / marriage could cope with that little boy. Never slept at night. Omg i thank the lord i dont have that. As for help there is none.just plenty of admin staff filling forms and doing sweet F A. It ruins family lives and other nicer lives mums might have had without them. God forgive me

Disabled children with very complex needs tend not to.get adopted
Usually it would be long term foster care.

yanbu
All of the posts about respite and residential are well meaning but even with this in place there are still the very real feelings of living a life you didn’t ask for or plan and the feelings of disappointment and despair that your path is now changed forever- our SEN children don’t always grow up and leave home so the years ahead can be daunting
As an ASD parent myself I can only show you complete solidarity and tell you that some days are better than others.

And for some that would indeed be an option.