To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

I hear you and can't imagine how hard things are. I used to work in a school for children with ASD and would go home exhausted every day after just 7 hours. All the staff agreed that it must be incredibly hard for the families who were often awake all night. We had nothing but complete respect for them.
Sometimes my colleagues would do unofficial babysitting for the families as they already knew the child well. Maybe once your son starts school opportunities like this might open up and things become a bit more controllable.
Can your DS use any sign language or use PECS? I've seen some children come on rapidly when they learn some communication techniques.
Also are you a member of any parent support groups? Sometimes just being able to offload to others who understand is invaluable.

@Tryingtobehappytomorrow123
Thankyou for sharing your story and I am so glad you have found a good solution for everyone.

The Op explained in what I thought was a very clear post about special schools and about the level of need for residential care.

I really think if some posters on here spent some time with families with children with severe and complex needs they would be shocked at what families are expected to manage themselves with very limited care. To be honest, I’m surprised (in a positive way) that this little boy has a PA.

Disclaimer: This post is in no way meant as a response to OP's problem but as an addition to the conversation from above regarding lack of care for SN parents.

Does anyone remember this story? It haunted me for a long time because the mother was a successful career woman and gave up everything to care for her son. The celebrity photographer father sounds like a right twat and abandoned them both early on. It also proves how the system can fail even the most financially and socially privileged people.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-9183707/Mother-40-admits-killing-10-year-old-autistic-son-denies-murder.html

This is incorrect.

Children will be placed in foster care if their parents give the children up.

The Op. Has stated that she will never say never about considering foster care in the future so why are people still.banging on about it?
It sounds like she needs to vent rather than continually being told to have her THREE adopted/ fostered

This was during the pandemic when there was no help.available and most special.schools were closecalso.as I recall.she was psychotic
Most parents do not kill their disabled children no matter how desperate things are.

So sorry you experienced this. Unfortunately, your experience is not uncommon.

Bang on about SEN children not having a voice. They will be high risk for SA, physical abuse or worse with some foster carers.

Because of those attacking the suggestion, and saying it shouldn’t be made/considered an option. Again, you don’t have to like it, but that doesn’t mean people can’t acknowledge it.

Exactly! And the post suggesting she consider how appalled her family and friends would be at the very idea was especially shameful.

But she's not considering it now so stop going on about it
Do you have any other constructive advice other than arguing with me ?

Children will be placed in foster care if their parents give the children up.

Do you honestly think you can just turn up at the social work office, leave your child and someone will foster them? The process of “giving up a child” involves a lot of assessment, professional involvement and multiple plans aimed at keeping the child in their family of birth. The process of assessment looks at parenting across the whole family so would include the OPs daughter, it’s not by any means an easy process, or indeed a given that at the end of that process the child would actually be accommodated. Removing a child from their birth family actively causes them harm, it’s an option of absolute last resort for good reason.

There isn’t some list of carers waiting for a child, fostering services are under incredible strain and honestly while some foster carers are amazing, some are very poor, so I wouldn’t assume the child would get better care than his mum can currently offer.

Better to fight and campaign for realistic support for parents - proper education options for a range of disabilities, not just for kids most severely affected, decent respite options that are easy to access, proper funding for parents who are full time carers. But these all cost money, aren’t politically popular and are complex to provide.

At last the voice of reason
Am I right I. Thinking you are a social.worker ?so.will know from a professional point of view how things work rather than a quick Google

You first 🤷🏻‍♀️

You aren’t being forced to address comments about foster care. You don’t need to like it, but you can choose to ignore mention of it.

I was just about to suggest the need for a campaign for better services, it is a scandal at what little is available

I already have said what helped me you however just keep.arguing with me about fostering .

No one is saying it's golden ticket and the op's child will not experience anything like the scenario you are suggesting.
They are not going to be abandoned at at school or have any awareness.
Why are you being so insensitive

Yes, I’m responding to your comments on it. That’s how forums generally work.

You don’t have to engage, yet here you are choosing to.

At last the voice of reason
Am I right I. Thinking you are a social.worker ?so.will know from a professional point of view how things work rather than a quick Google

I am, it’s possible to relinquish a child with disabilities but not remotely easy, or quick, nor does it bring the benefits people think it might. The assessment process by its very nature can leave parents feeling inadequate, blamed and vulnerable, because the assessment needs to explore your parenting skills which can feel very exposing. You’ll be offered parenting classes (which aren’t fit for purpose), family support (which often explains the stuff you know but can’t do, because of the child’s needs) and so it goes on, because to take a child into care even voluntarily the local authority needs to show this is the only/best option for that child.

Specialist placements are very few and far between so a child might be placed somewhere deemed “good enough”, but that doesn’t meet their needs fully, particularly if a child needs 1:1 supervision at all times which is eye wateringly expensive. In all honesty as a mum I’d use the threat of family breakdown to force some kind of regular support but even then what’s provided is minimal and may not be what the parent actually wants or needs. There simply isn’t the level of resource people think is out there.

Yes third sector organisations do some amazing work, but these services are funded by local authorities who will allocate places to those deemed most in need, which usually means the family has been in dire straits for a long time and have exhausted every other option. Such is the state of public services.

It’s not an option you can simply request and be given. The process is long, tricky, highly emotional taking a huge amount of time and emotional energy, when you have none to spare. And in the meantime you still have to parent the child.

@Jellycatspyjamas you’ve articulated what I’ve been trying to say so much better than I could! I’ve worked in different areas of children and families SW for almost 20 years and am now a few years into the journey of trying to get support for my own child. I recognise your name from another board I used to be active on so I think we may have some similar experiences both professionally and personally.

I’m conscious this thread has completely veered off track and the poor OP and her family have somewhat been sidelined. I’m going to sit on my hands now and try not to respond anymore to people who believe you can simply ‘put your kids into foster care’

@Thehonestbadger I really hope this thread has been helpful. Sounds like you’re doing everything you can to support your family and do what’s best for them. I’m in a WhatsApp group for families with kids with SEND and even if it’s just a quick message to moan or to celebrate a triumph that would seem insignificant to most families. It really does help to connect with other people who ‘get it’ and know they’re rooting for you

If she is, she is wrong.

Children will be placed in foster care (you have emergency foster placements) if the parents relinquish care of them. A very sad situation ,but you cannot force parents to keep their child. It happens sadly. In this situation, the local authority would have to find a placement for them. Of course, SS would do their best to work with the parents and keep the child with the family, if there are no safeguarding concerns.

@Positive41
Yes you are right. It doesn't help when people categorically state facts that are completely wrong !
A parent has the right to request care for their child on a section 20 . Not that I am saying the OP should do that ( and indeed they have already said that they don't want to ) but it is an option nonetheless.

Jellycatspyjamas

*Children will be placed in foster care if their parents give the children up.

Do you honestly think you can just turn up at the social work office, leave your child and someone will foster them*

Not fostered but my mother did just that on many occasions and then drove herself to the local psychiatric hospital where she spent about 6 weeks, came out, SS handed me back to the woman
and then the cycle would begin again

So leaving a child in the care of SS and leaving is what did happen.
I know a few people who this happened to.

Yep

For reasons I am not going into, but it was a BAD part of my Life, my youngest were put into Foster Care for six Months (many Years ago now).
The Police actually turned up and took them into "Protective Care", whilst I was sent off to hospital in an ambulance, and the social worker was informed.
They ended up being placed in the early hours, about 35 miles away, but a week or so on were able to be fostered locally, hence carried on at the school which was continuity for them in their destroyed little lives.
It is not something I regret, it had to be done..
I always saw them though,. 2 afternoons a week and half a Saturday.

I feel for you OP, I really do, and you are not wicked or evil or any of those things. You are struggling tremendously.

IIRC Mumsnet ran such a campaign years ago. It’s a waste of time. It all comes down to money. Local authorities can’t magic up services with money they do not have. It’s a scandal but it is what it is.

Our government hasn’t managed to keep mainstream schools in safe working order over the last 25 years - what hope do we have for adequate funding for the most vulnerable children in society?