To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

[Thehonestbadger]

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought.

I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything.

He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life.

Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her.

we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly.
(I was already well into DD pregnancy by then).

Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do.

I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

Exactly, there is no fucking help. It infuriates me when people say there is this and that help. There is none.

How do.you think.your comment helps?
Yes pots of marriages do.break.down but not all im.still.married as are a lot of people I know.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through 😔as a previous poster asked, can Dad help? It shouldn't be you doing it all alone....

The adoption suggestion’s are ridiculous.
OP is allowed to feel how she feels without going through the gruelling adoption process when she clearly loves her son. Also very fucking naive- if a loving parent is struggling with their ASD child then you can imagine how likely he would be to find a suitable and willing family. As if adoption is a viable option at any point

No one is telling OP to do that, we’re acknowledging it as an option. If it isn’t an option for OP that’s for her to decide, but there’s no shame if it is.

This sounds like a living hell. I am a CAMHS clin psych and recently have put in child protection notifications, not because I'm worried about the parenting but because the parents are at breaking point. Honestly it seems like this is the only way to get help is to say you are in crisis. Social Work will pull out the stops if they think a child may have to go into care.
I'm not slagging off social workers at all, but sometimes it's justified to press the nuclear button. You need respite or at least interim foster care.

This. A million times this.

I just find it distasteful, or perhaps disingenuous, I suppose that adoption or foster care is apparently such an awful option and shouldn't be mentioned, but the same people are happy to write off the mental health and happiness of two other individuals in this story.

The thing about pushing the button and them disappearing/not existing is because in this magical scenario you don't have to face to the guilt that comes with feeling like you've failed your child or having to explain it to people, like you would with adoption or fostering. Shame is a very strong motivator (or demotivator). It's a great taboo, really, 'giving up' your child.

The option exists, and instead of shaming people for mentioning it, perhaps we should be supporting people to be aware of that choice or at least seek further information if it's something they actually want to do instead of suggesting it's disgusting and shaming them into keeping on with a miserable fucking life because 'what will people think?!'. I wouldn't presume to tell someone living OP's life what they should and shouldn't do, as I sit here in my own house with none of the issues she faces every day.

There are options which may be untenable to some and a solution for others. I am not going to cast judgement either way. The only judgement and shame we should direct is at the shitty state of healthcare in this country where there's no help or respite for people living lives like this.

I remember watching a Louis theroux documentary about autism. There was a family with two children with ASD, they were both non verbal and very challenging. The mum told Louis she loved her children but got no enjoyment from them. Thought it was very profound and understandable. Hugs OP x

My autistic (very similar to your post) DC are primary aged now. We still have days like you describe. I still don't have that relentlessly positive neurodiversity affirming outlook most all the time. I won't pretend it gets much easier BUT your ability to cope and your son's independence will increase (even if it's* *just the smallest things (my youngest can now put a t-shirt on).

You are allowed to feel however you do about it all. I won't suggest respite etc because in my experience most parents will have maxed out any support they are able to. What I will ask is ... is there any time your son is calmer? Swimming? In nature? Anything? Capitalise on that. We used to hire private pools regularly - it calmed everything down.

Adoption and foster care aren’t really options though are they? These kids are so difficult to place. Do you really think a social worker will just turn up and take the child if a parent asks. Let me tell you it really isn’t that fucking simple.
Those without disabled kids really have no idea. It’s all on us. All of it- nobody gives s as shit.

OP I am sorry you are in this situation, it sounds pretty relentless.

You need support - you are much more than a mother- you are a carer too.

I would urge you to find a carer's support agency. I know there are lots all over the country.
I am a carer too, and my local carer's support organisation are phenomenal.

They have given me practical, emotion and financial advice, free or very low cost counselling to help deal with your struggles. They can offer and often pay for respite care, weekends away, have coffee mornings and run support groups with local carers in similar situations, a range of activities too- free massage, reflexology, yoga, meditation art and pottery sessions- all free.

These things may not change your situation, but when we are stronger in ourselves caring becomes a bit less overwhelming.

Make sure caring for yourself is important- even if just a few hours a week to give you breathing space.

Yeah the idea that there's millions of loving Foster families ready and willing to take on extremely complex children is ludicrous.

Also, the reality of the care system, particularly for such vulnerable children, would horrify people.

I have no advice at all, only sympathy. I can’t imagine how soul destroying this must be.

MIL works in a respite home for disabled children and she is exhausted after every single shift!

@TomatoSandwiches 👏👏👏

I am so tired of Mumsnetters who come across threads like these and recommend residential care, respite services, DLA, “help” and “services”.

It’s a real insight into what most people believe is out there for families with complex disabled children. No wonder they all think us neurodivergent families are clamouring to get our children diagnosed - there’s so much help! 🙄

I'm sorry but what is the point of this post? It's horrible.

@BrightGreenMoonBuggy children are placed in foster care if they are at risk of significant harm or abuse if they were to remain in their family home. There’s really no such thing as ‘putting your child in care’

For those suggesting adoption…when we adopted our DC there were many disabled children waiting to be adopted and in the past 3 years none of them had any prospective adopters express an interest in them. Again these children were removed from their birth families due to abuse or neglect NOT because their families couldn’t cope.

@Thehonestbadger i really feel for you. Our DC has some additional needs which have emerged since we adopted them and it’s a never ending, exhausting treadmill. I really hope you can access support for yourself. Are there any local groups for parents of kids with SEND on social media you could access, even if it’s just for a bit of emotional support?

You must be reading a different thread as there are definitely comments here saying they think it would be the best option.

Some of the comments here are terrible and speak about the child as if they are not human.

It's a very difficult situation but a profoundly disabled child placed into the care system will likely experience a life time of abuse. The care system is poor and disabled people speak constantly about their negative experiences with in it. Put a child who is unable to vocalise into that and they will be treated badly.

I appreciate it is hard, very hard and it is healthy for the OP to talk openly about and her feelings are valid, but the comments such as the one making out the child probably doesn't even understand they are part of a family unit etc are not true and jumping to encourage the OP to put her child into care instead of finding other ways to address how she is struggling and how she is feeling as if the child in this doesn't really matter because they are disabled are gross. The child is 3. There could be improvements when the child is able to access schooling and OP gets more time. It's very early to decide there is no hope to this situation.

Three years ago there was a lockdown and women were birthing in the most traumatic situations imaginable.

Some women went on to have another baby to "heal" them from their trauma.

Birth trauma has women loathing themselves, their babies, their birth partner and all the conversations at baby groups give them a chance to relive their trauma.

Does this sound like your experience?

At 3 my son wasn't engaging much but has always been a calm and loving child. Now at 5.5 he doesn't play in the typical way with his older sister which is hard but has some words and we've just been on a holiday which he loved. His understanding is getting good too. Yes everyday is difficult but it got easier. I remember feeling life was bleak a couple of years ago but I've accepted our situation.
There's not much help out there but lots of support groups to vent. People talking about foster care, adoption etc please stop. It's not helpful and he's only 3.
I never imagined my life life like this but it is what it is.

Yes, they are options, and ones that people do take. No one is forced to raise a child they cannot cope with, and placing a child into foster care is something a parent may choose to do.

not liking an option doesn’t stop it being one.

I hear you, both my DC (at different points, thank God) went through stages of screaming for over 18 hours a day. At one point I actually thought I was going to just drop down and die from the stress of it.

It’s up to each individual to decide what they are and aren’t prepared to/able to cope with, same as it is up to each individual to decide what is the best for them when it comes to dealing with their own situation.

It may be that this is something OP would consider, and want to do. It shouldn’t be treated as something unmentionable when it may be the right thing for her, her daughter and son. If that is the case she shouldn’t be shamed for it.

Ffs 🙄

Is he a year or two years away from school? Do you think the longer school days will help you feel more rested? I've felt this way with dd currently being assessed for ASD, and the relief knowing we are two days from starting school is unprecedented from how I felt two months ago.