Page 2 | To wish I didn’t have my 3yo son?

Thehonestbadger · 2023-09-02T16:29:58+00:00

I’m aware it’s horrible but if someone gave me a button to press and he simply wouldn’t exist anymore I am confident I would, without so much as a second thought. I love him; I do but I simply cannot pretend my life isn’t incredibly hard and shit because of him. He has ASD, is non verbal, has very little understanding of what’s going on around him or concept of danger. He suffers with PICA too so is constantly eating EVERYTHING and yes I mean everything. He’s massive for his age; the size of a 6 year old and fights me tooth and nail over things like bum changes. I can’t go anywhere or do anything unless it’s exactly what he wants and there’s very very little engagement between us despite endless trying on my part. No one wants to look after him, my mum will occasionally as she knows how much I’m struggling but it’s hard for her I know that. Ive stuck him in nursery where he had a specialist 1:1 worker 5 days a week but it’s just a few hours and honestly the sound of him screeching and the insane anxiety over his constant unpredictable behaviour just ruin my life. Worst of all, he has a 2yo sister, whose life is being so detrimentally impacted. I often just think to myself how amazing it would be to just have her; the freedom of things we could do; places we could go. All the ties and limits and restrictions lifted. I often feel like I might as well not have had my daughter because I never get to enjoy her and she’s always shafted off to family whilst I Labour on with DS in this weird kind of isolated purgatory, because family are willing to look after her. we have all the appropriate support functions in place; all the experts and social services…etc. We’ve been on this path a long time now as it was clear from around 10 months that DS was not developing properly. (I was already well into DD pregnancy by then). Other than my mum family/friends don’t even want to spend more than 30 minutes in our company and I really feel that ‘oh god wtf is your life now? This is hideous’ feeling whenever they do. I want to be one of those social media disability mums who are like intensely positive but I just don’t feel that way. The physical and emotional care he needs is just so depressing.

x2boys · 02/09/2023 17:54

WillowCraft · 02/09/2023 17:53

There must be something. There must be parents who just can't cope with a disabled child. Perhaps the child would go into foster care?

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There isn't 🙄

Meadowdog · 02/09/2023 17:54

x2boys · 02/09/2023 17:44

Would you put your three year old up.for adoption?

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In OP's case yes I probably would, although fostering seems the most likely scenario.

lostinmymess · 02/09/2023 17:55

Op, DD (ASD and severe LDs) was very difficult at three. non verbal etc. challenging on many fronts. She is now a teen and verbal and has surprised us in so many ways. she still has complex needs, is in a special school, will never be independent but things are a lot easier than at three. I know it doesn't happen for all but at 3, I was absolute broken. Things are much better now.

aloneagaingreat · 02/09/2023 17:55

I'm so sorry, OP.

If it helps at all, vent on here. No judgement.

There desperately needs to be more help / respite available for families like yours.

Goldcircle · 02/09/2023 17:55

monicagellerbing · 02/09/2023 17:40

Is adoption an option?

I actually think this is something to consider.

coxesorangepippin · 02/09/2023 17:56

I absolutely feel for you.

We went to the park last night and there was a family there with a similar set up to yours. Very challenging.

It must be beyond tough

x2boys · 02/09/2023 17:57

Lavender14 · 02/09/2023 17:53

My inlaws do short term respite care for all ages from newborn up as does one of my colleagues. It's not that it doesn't exist, it's just that there aren't enough people who do it so finding a placement is difficult.

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Its not just that you have to be assesed for it and it has to.to.panel ,not everyone wull.get it and then even if direct payments are granted finding a PA. is another issue

WillowCraft · 02/09/2023 17:57

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WantingToEducate · 02/09/2023 17:58

YANBU OP,

I can’t even imagine how tough your life is and how you see your future. I think I would be feeling exactly the same as you if I was in your position xx

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 02/09/2023 17:58

I have nothing but compassion for you as I know that I’d absolutely feel the same and really struggle.

I also don’t think the adoption comment made by one poster should be viewed as some sort of joke or nasty. I personally know someone who has put her son into foster care as she was absolutely unable to care for his additional needs. She felt guilty enough as it is - nobody in that awful situation (and there may well be someone on here like that even if it’s not OP) needs the additional guilt from strangers calling her appalling for even considering it. Not everyone is mentally, physically or emotionally able to cope in this situation so hold off with the snap judgement just because you think you wouldn’t.

OP, given how extremely difficult your circumstances are, you could ask your local council if it’s possible to any additional (residential) care / support, perhaps at weekends, to give you a break?

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:01

Meadowdog · 02/09/2023 17:54

In OP's case yes I probably would, although fostering seems the most likely scenario.

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You have absolutely no.idea what you would do.unless you are in that situation
Imagine it's your child ,the child you love more than anything else in the world
Gradually you realise that your child has disabilities and over a number of years it becomes apparent how complex those disabilities are most people don't put their child up.for adoption ,they struggle in as they have no choice its insulting when people act si.blase,about such a huge decision.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 02/09/2023 18:03

lostinmymess · 02/09/2023 17:50

Can people please please stop suggesting residential care? There is no such thing esp for 3 year old. There is next to no support for families with complex kids let alone residential placement. Please, for the love of god, stop suggesting this nonsense.

Well, I know for an absolute fact that social services in my area have foster carers who take in babies and toddlers, so I’m not sure why you think this is complete nonsense. Perhaps they don’t exist near you, or there aren’t many, but that doesn’t mean the suggestion many people are making is absolutely futile. Nobody is suggesting a special needs boarding school. What practical help / suggestions can you think of instead?

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:05

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 02/09/2023 17:58

I have nothing but compassion for you as I know that I’d absolutely feel the same and really struggle.

I also don’t think the adoption comment made by one poster should be viewed as some sort of joke or nasty. I personally know someone who has put her son into foster care as she was absolutely unable to care for his additional needs. She felt guilty enough as it is - nobody in that awful situation (and there may well be someone on here like that even if it’s not OP) needs the additional guilt from strangers calling her appalling for even considering it. Not everyone is mentally, physically or emotionally able to cope in this situation so hold off with the snap judgement just because you think you wouldn’t.

OP, given how extremely difficult your circumstances are, you could ask your local council if it’s possible to any additional (residential) care / support, perhaps at weekends, to give you a break?

Edited

And you clearly have no clue what it's like to.have a disabled child ,
Some posters do Including me .
Its insulting tto.hear more of I couldn't do.it ,just put your child up.for adoption type comments.

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:05

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:01

You have absolutely no.idea what you would do.unless you are in that situation
Imagine it's your child ,the child you love more than anything else in the world
Gradually you realise that your child has disabilities and over a number of years it becomes apparent how complex those disabilities are most people don't put their child up.for adoption ,they struggle in as they have no choice its insulting when people act si.blase,about such a huge decision.

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People do in fact do it though. It may or may not be something OP would consider, but that’s for her to decide. It’s not for anyone else to tell her it isn’t an option.

Radyward · 02/09/2023 18:06

I often think id prefer no kids than one who takes over a whole house and by their very presence makes everyones life rubbish. God forgive me. I dont blame you at all. There is no option to give them back BUT no one would blame you on the adoption option if thibgs are just so difficult and a definate never ending scenario. Its awful for other kids in a family. I do totally realise you cant give back kids obvs but gosh its totally ok to admit how hard and tough it is!! Fostering an option???
Hugs to you and your daughter

SmallBox · 02/09/2023 18:07

I'm in a similar situation with my youngest, who is 4 with ASD. My 7 year old wears noise cancelling headphones all the time at home because his brother never stops screaming. I feel on edge constantly, full of cortisol or adrenaline, wanting to scream myself or curl into a ball or run away. Over the holidays I have tried to take them to busy outdoor places, parks, beaches etc where the screaming won't be so out of place but I have been told by other parents (who I really do think were trying to be supportive) that they've 'never heard anything like it', 'he sounds like he's on fire' and 'that noise could strip paint off the walls'. It's such a miserable life and I'm sorry you're going through it too. x

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:07

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:05

People do in fact do it though. It may or may not be something OP would consider, but that’s for her to decide. It’s not for anyone else to tell her it isn’t an option.

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Of coursevitsxup.to.her but its the incredibly blase,way people suggest it
And no.most people don't do it .

Exdonkeylover · 02/09/2023 18:09

I spent several years working with adults with learning disabilities, never felt anything but respect to the families that raised them. But eventually it became too much for the families and as adults they entered the system. I could 100% see why families couldn't cope, never felt anything negative towards them and their adult children were very well cared for and had a good quality of life.

Noicant · 02/09/2023 18:10

Just sending support OP, it sounds incredibly hard and your feelings are totally valid and understandable x

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:10

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:07

Of coursevitsxup.to.her but its the incredibly blase,way people suggest it
And no.most people don't do it .

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I said people do it, I made no comment on how many.

I’m not seeing how it’s ‘blasé’ when posters are giving suggestions based on OP’s post. No one said it was an easy option, but it isn’t something that should be treated as unmentionable. If OP considers/does it then she shouldn’t be made to feel like she’s wrong to do so.

Georgyporky · 02/09/2023 18:11

Where's the child's Father?

Original poster

Thehonestbadger · 02/09/2023 18:11

Radyward · 02/09/2023 18:06

I often think id prefer no kids than one who takes over a whole house and by their very presence makes everyones life rubbish. God forgive me. I dont blame you at all. There is no option to give them back BUT no one would blame you on the adoption option if thibgs are just so difficult and a definate never ending scenario. Its awful for other kids in a family. I do totally realise you cant give back kids obvs but gosh its totally ok to admit how hard and tough it is!! Fostering an option???
Hugs to you and your daughter

I used to say the same thing.

I’m a normal person, professional, emotionally healthy…etc but I remember saying when we were thinking of having kids, ‘I wish they could test for more stuff. Like learning disabilities and autism and those things because I wouldn’t choose to have a child with those kind of needs.’ And I 100% would have ended a pregnancy that showed significant genetic abnormalities. It’s personal choice; but I want a decent quality of life. I want a life.

Ive never been someone who would be willing to sacrifice their entire life to be a carer. It’s different with small children because you know they’ll grow up, what they need from you will change and evolve. I happily sacrifice everything for DD because there is light at the end of the tunnel.

DS feels like a black hole.

OP posts:

x2boys · 02/09/2023 18:12

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:10

I said people do it, I made no comment on how many.

I’m not seeing how it’s ‘blasé’ when posters are giving suggestions based on OP’s post. No one said it was an easy option, but it isn’t something that should be treated as unmentionable. If OP considers/does it then she shouldn’t be made to feel like she’s wrong to do so.

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Mainly because v the posters that suggest it are not in that situation themselves
In reality a severely disabled child is unlikely to.be adopted
In most cases it would be long term.foster care .

Anothershitusername · 02/09/2023 18:12

have u got an ehcp
if not get one ,the nursery will help u
you can request a residential school ,your social worker will help with it .
you will have to fight for it ,but you already know everything is a fight anyway .
I understand only to well ..my son is 24 now ..yes I too would press that button

devildeepbluesea · 02/09/2023 18:13

notlucreziaborgia · 02/09/2023 18:10

I said people do it, I made no comment on how many.

I’m not seeing how it’s ‘blasé’ when posters are giving suggestions based on OP’s post. No one said it was an easy option, but it isn’t something that should be treated as unmentionable. If OP considers/does it then she shouldn’t be made to feel like she’s wrong to do so.

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Completely agree.

I know someone who did exactly that, put their child up for adoption - they were well aware that they were not equal to the child’s needs, and had another child whose life would be really badly impacted by their sibling. They obviously felt terrible guilt but they made the least bad decision for them.