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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go on a date now I’ve seen his Facebook activity?

203 replies

Nevs · 01/09/2023 10:01

Would this put you off a guy?

Met a guy through a mutual friend while at a bar a week ago, we swapped numbers and have been Whatsapping since. Date planned for this weekend.

While texting the subject of social media came up and he said he’ll add me on Facebook.

He’s VERY active, posts stories everyday (walking the dog, getting a Starbucks coffee, his dinner) along with Photo posts every time he goes out.

It’s not just that he posts photos, but in all the photos he posts he always looks very serious and brooding, like a male model.

He went traveled to a nearby city abroad recently, twice, and on each occasion posted a photo of him stood infront of the plane. Again, with his serious brooding intense face, looking away from the camera into the distance like he didn’t know he was having his photo taken.
You’d think it was a private jet and he was a male Instagram influencer by the way he was stood infront of it, but the planes had RyanAir plastered all over it

We’d planned the date before I’d seen all of this

OP posts:
reesewithoutaspoon · 01/09/2023 13:46

I worked with a guy like this. Every photo was brooding looking off into the distance, filtered or black and white for 'atmosphere'. In real life he was boring as fuck to be around because he was so obsessed with his image and appearance that he really had nothing to talk about but that.
He probably did have some self-esteem issues and was constantly looking for validation, but it was wearing after a while because he was always fishing for likes, reassurance, praise etc.
Depends on your tolerance levels for that kind of BS. Mine are fairly low these days.

RedPony1 · 01/09/2023 13:52

Nevs · 01/09/2023 10:05

Also he’s not a young person who grew up around social media and Instagram- he’s in his mid 30s!

I'm same age and i have been using social media since i was a young teen - My Space? Bebo? i love social media. Loads of my friends document everything they do, doesn't bother me at all, i get quite invested 😂

ActDottie · 01/09/2023 13:54

Lol that is cringey! How old is he? Also Facebook??? Surely the stuff you’ve mentioned is better suited to Instagram

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 01/09/2023 14:09

Go on the date, pay for yourself. Don't get pissed and go home early if not for you.

Mycatisthebestever · 01/09/2023 14:15

Maybe he needs the love of a good woman to show him the error of his ways?😂

runningonberocca · 01/09/2023 14:22

It would massively put me off too. I used to work with someone like this. Also mid - late 30s.Then he got a girlfriend and I honestly don’t know how she puts up with it - so many pic’s including ones of her every where they go. And just sitting around in pjs etc . He does the serious brooding look into the camera too..

Britneyfan · 01/09/2023 14:25

Wow mumsnet is harsh! I personally think you’d be mad not to go because of this. You have hit it off in real life and you have mutual friends in common. And some people post a lot on social media when they are lonely or struggle with low self esteem (which I get might be something you don’t want to deal with but loneliness can really do a number on someone’s self esteem). I also know someone who posts a lot like this for the sake of their sibling with severe autism who loves to see the minutiae of their day but wouldn’t otherwise. I would find this slightly cringey also but I definitely vote that you give him a chance given the other factors. It’s only a date right now anyway, you don’t have to marry the guy.

Britneyfan · 01/09/2023 14:29

I also agree with others who say he may (mistakenly!) think this is helping him to find a girlfriend!

BygoneDays · 01/09/2023 14:34

What an arse. Block him everywhere, tell your friends what a complete waster he is, and move on. You deserve so much better.

TheGoodBanana · 01/09/2023 14:39

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 01/09/2023 10:14

If this is making you feel like he's not someone you'd like to date then cancel - it's reasonable to do this for any reason you like.

I don't see the need for the all the sneering at social media use though (directed at all the responses rather than the OP). It's not for everyone for sure, but definitely not just for those under 30 and it doesn't make you a better person for looking down your nose at others interacting differently to you...

I use social media aged 50 and have met plenty of people who have turned out to be close friends in real life as a result.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

It's like some virtue signalling, oh gosh I don't have social media, how immature. Yet it is as popular as ever so someone is using it.

FarmGirl78 · 01/09/2023 14:56

Nemesias · 01/09/2023 10:09

My DH was like that when we first met and it was down to low self esteem. I would give him a chance and go on the date.

Exactly. Blokes must have a hard time if this is enough to put someone off. No-one is perfect. Give the poor guy a chance.

BakingBeanz · 01/09/2023 16:58

BygoneDays · 01/09/2023 14:34

What an arse. Block him everywhere, tell your friends what a complete waster he is, and move on. You deserve so much better.

What?

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 01/09/2023 17:12

I'm presuming that none of the women on here who are calling this man a weirdo have ever posted multiple/mundane/moody-posed selfies on SM?

Only ever use it for one brief factual summary every few years or so to inform people when somebody is born, married or dies?

notprincehamlet · 01/09/2023 17:31

You’d think it was a private jet and he was a male Instagram influencer by the way he was stood infront of it, but the planes had RyanAir plastered all over it
You'll kick yourself if you cancel and he turns out to be called Ryan Air

Namechangedforthis25 · 01/09/2023 17:37

You have the ick

its done

GLORIAGloriarse · 02/09/2023 07:21

FarmGirl78 · 01/09/2023 14:56

Exactly. Blokes must have a hard time if this is enough to put someone off. No-one is perfect. Give the poor guy a chance.

Show quote history

Well it is offputting to some. Women don't owe it to men to overlook cringy or otherwise unattractive behaviour just because they have low self esteem, do they?

witmum · 02/09/2023 07:56

Odd behaviour but probably because he is lonely or bored and wants some interp and has fallen into a Facebook addiction.

There is hope. Have fun and enjoy the date for what it is 😊

SurprisedWithAHorse · 02/09/2023 08:01

GLORIAGloriarse · 02/09/2023 07:21

Well it is offputting to some. Women don't owe it to men to overlook cringy or otherwise unattractive behaviour just because they have low self esteem, do they?

Show quote history

Of course not.

But OP asked what we thought. Personally I think think if they get on in real life, it's worth continuing to see him in real life because lots of people who are great in reality come over a bit wanky on SM.

SM is also one of the MN hotspots for moral majority sneering and superiority, so the reaction to stuff that's possibly annoying but ultimately completely harmless is entirely out of all proportion. It's every bit as performative and self-congratulatory as a few pretentious selfies.

That's not to say she's obliged to date him. Of course she isn't. But if the dating world is as godawful as I hear it is, I wouldn't personally write off someone I liked because he isn't great at massaging his image on social media.

I find the concept of "the ick" incredibly immature and destructive too but that's a discussion for another time.

turntgelightsdown · 02/09/2023 08:03

It could be because he's bored or wants the affirmation of people saying 'you look great'. Sometimes a relationship can fix that!

turntgelightsdown · 02/09/2023 08:05

"I find the concept of "the ick" incredibly immature and destructive too but that's a discussion for another time."@SurprisedWithAHorse

I agree! According to MN, the minute you get the 'ick' because your DP chews too loudly or snorted in his sleep, you should LTB. 😂

Mamma2017 · 02/09/2023 08:17

Someone said “no one posts on Facebook since 2012” well isn’t that just Because they’re all posting on Instagram constantly which is not that much different really is it?

NewName122 · 02/09/2023 08:53

I only say this because of my experience but I've found the ones that post multiple times daily on social media are people who don't have great mental health / feel they need the attention of others to get through the day.

DDivaStar · 02/09/2023 09:22

Do you use social media op?

The posts sound a bit odd but if he's travelling alone he's probably just passing the time. It maybe your use of social media doesn't align but there must have been something that attracted you when you met him.

I wouldn't write him off, whats the harm in one date to make a more informed decision.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 02/09/2023 09:41

You'll kick yourself if you cancel and he turns out to be called Ryan Air

Grin

feralunderclass · 02/09/2023 09:53

Clutching at straws here, but is he white British? My DH thinks the 'correct' way to take a photo is to stand at an angle "as if you don't know it's being taken". Every single photo of him/his family look as if they are staring at something to the right of the camera. They also think it's wrong to smile for a photo as it's "vain". We were sent photos of his niece's graduation recently and they all looked miserable 🤣. Not sure if it's just his family or a cultural thing.