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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this black eye was not an accident? Warning pic of black eye

203 replies

LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 12:43

Sorry I do have this post in SN chat (originally wasn’t keen on AIBU) but will get Mumsnet to delete as I’m desperately awaiting a reply to get some thoughts/opinions on this.

DS is 9 and has asd and is non verbal. He has been going to his dad for about 1/3 of the school holidays and ex h has a new partner who has 2 teenage boys. DS came home yesterday morning with a pretty sore eye and I instantly asked ex h what had happened and he very much brushed it off (he never texted me to tell me about any sort of injury or incident) saying well he was playing with the older boys wasn’t he. DS never “plays” with other children, especially older ones. He gets on best with babies at a push. I asked ex H when have we ever seen him play with other kids and he claims how he’s taken to them and I just can’t believe that I know my son and just know he isn’t going to be playing doesn’t matter how much he likes them and I asked what they were playing and he said oh it was with a ball and he got hit and I asked if he saw it and he said no and I’m also not believing this because ds always has his ball and will have a meltdown if someone is taking it/playing with it. There’s no way he has willingly played ball with some teenage boys and I can’t believe ex H thinks I’m that stupid.

He’s come at me with the “I’m his dad and he was in my care and I’m telling you that’s what happened” and I just don’t believe it. He’s my only child and I must admit, I don’t know too much about kids his age but is this even an injury that happens from some harmless playing IF that even happened, which I don’t believe for one second did…

I’m really angry but don’t know what I can do. Sorry for the drawn on picture didn’t want to have a zoom in and make it super blurry. So AIBU to think this definitely didn’t happen in the way ex H claims?

OP posts:
Threegreenbirds · 30/08/2023 12:48

Can you ask your DS to write what happened or draw a picture, would he be able to say yes or no to questions?

Tired6789 · 30/08/2023 12:49

I can see why you're upset! I think whatever happened he should have mentioned rather than wait for you to ask him.

GrazingSheep · 30/08/2023 12:50

It looks as if he was punched in the eye

Jellycats4life · 30/08/2023 12:50

You know your child and whether your ex’s explanation is plausible or not. Trust your gut.

Original poster
LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 12:51

There’s no getting it out of DS I have tried and we aren’t really getting anywhere he can communicate with me especially using his app but it’s very specific things and not great for something that’s not him asking me

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 12:52

GrazingSheep · 30/08/2023 12:50

It looks as if he was punched in the eye

That’s exactly why I added the picture because I feel accidental black eyes just don’t look that bad

OP posts:
Longwhiskers · 30/08/2023 12:53

Poor kid! It looks painful. Re playing would he engage in a chasing game for example? Cos could have fallen or run into something. Otherwise it looks like someone hit him :(

Sirzy · 30/08/2023 12:53

I think you’re right to be concerned. I’m not sure what the best path of action is now but follow your gut.

how does he respond if the names of his step brothers are mentioned? Does that give anything away?

lastminutewednesday · 30/08/2023 12:54

It does look like a ball could have hit him. But equally he could have been hit with something. You will never know until
He tells you.

cheezncrackers · 30/08/2023 12:55

Well eye sockets do bruise easily and when you get a bump anywhere in that area it can cause a black eye, so it's not necessarily a punch to the face. It's possible that if a ball was kicked and hit him in the face he could have ended up with a black eye.

But OP there is absolutely no way that a load of strangers on the internet can tell you how this injury happened. I realise you're really upset about it and rightly so, but if your DS won't tell you what happened and your ex is determined to downplay it and didn't witness the incident anyway, I'm afraid you'll never get to the bottom of it.

Original poster
LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 12:55

To be fair he doesn’t act upset when I mention their names which he can do if it’s something particularly scary for him

OP posts:
Clefable · 30/08/2023 12:55

It does look sore. I wonder if they've purposefully kicked a ball in his face or something and weren't 'playing' together.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 12:55

Maybe a trip to A&E. You want it on record it didn't happen whilst in your care imo. Especially if your ds is non verbal.. Hospital record will be there incase you need proof at a later date.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/08/2023 12:55

It could be from a ball. The boys could have been chucking it around and he got in the way or it could have been thrown at him. The point is you will never be able to prove it one way or the other.

EvilElsa · 30/08/2023 12:56

I've had very similar black eyes OP, once after being headbutted by a horse and once after fainting onto my face. It could definitely be caused by other accidents.

Notimeforaname · 30/08/2023 12:58

Ive had a black eye from a ball to the face. But as others say, you won't ever actually find out. Hope he feels better soon.

WinterFireJanuaryEmbers · 30/08/2023 12:58

But OP there is absolutely no way that a load of strangers on the internet can tell you how this injury happened. I realise you're really upset about it and rightly so, but if your DS won't tell you what happened and your ex is determined to downplay it and didn't witness the incident anyway, I'm afraid you'll never get to the bottom of it.

Agree with this. I totally understand why you are upset, OP - this looks really painful!

I would expect any accident to be a total one-off, though. Any more injuries (to eye or otherwise) would cause me to grow very suspicious indeed.

Spendonsend · 30/08/2023 12:59

It looks like a punch but i can see how a hard ball in an unlucky throw could look similar.

But i think you should trust your gut as you know your son and ex.

I really feel for you and your poor boy who cant even explain what happened.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 30/08/2023 12:59

Well, something definitely hit him extremely hard in the eye. It could have been part of a game (eg cricket...even if he wasn't actually playing, but just walking past), or else he could have been elbowed by accident, for instance, but if it was an accident like that I would have thought your ex would just have said oh yeah, he came up behind so and so when they were doing X and got elbowed in the face.

DS is also 9 and plays rough and tumble with his friends, including play wrestling and football. The football bloody hurts when they boot it at you, but he's never had an injury like that. I think it would need to have been a hard smallish object.

Sugarfree23 · 30/08/2023 12:59

Op nobody can tell you how it happened.

The worse back eye I've had was hitting someone's head on a trampoline. Honestly it looked worse than that and like someone had given me a right doing.

I've also had a shiner falling out of bed and bashing the bedside cabinet.

SleeplessInShoeburyness · 30/08/2023 12:59

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 12:55

Maybe a trip to A&E. You want it on record it didn't happen whilst in your care imo. Especially if your ds is non verbal.. Hospital record will be there incase you need proof at a later date.

Agree, medics will be able to determine a likely cause of the injury, ball or fist, and check if any damage to the eye. Get it on record especially as DS is non verbal. He’ll also be going back to school soon and it’ll still be visible so you need to be clear it didn’t happen when he was with you. Safeguarding issue if medics think it might have been from a fist.

Try GP before A&E.

Reugny · 30/08/2023 13:00

LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 12:52

That’s exactly why I added the picture because I feel accidental black eyes just don’t look that bad

Show quote history

They actually can.

I used to play ball sports.

Someone could have thrown or kicked a ball at his face.

3dogsandarabbit · 30/08/2023 13:01

I don't necessarily think this could just be caused by a punch. If they were playing with a bat or tennis racket and the ball hit him in the face hard then that could cause an injury like that.

ManateeFair · 30/08/2023 13:01

It's impossible to tell by looking whether a black eye has been caused by accident or not. It's also worth noting that you don't have to be hit very hard at all to get a black eye, as the area is delicate with thin skin and a small knock on the nose, head or cheekbone can cause a lot of bruising. That could easily have been caused by someone accidentally clipping his head with an elbow as they turned round, or by someone waving their arms about and not noticing he was next to them. My niece had a horrific-looking black eye when she was little that was caused by her brother flinging his arms wide in triumph at winning a point in a table tennis game - he hadn't realised she was close and accidentally clipped her eyebrow with the bat. So yeah, it's certainly possible it was an accident. I'm sure you're right that your son wasn't playing 'with' the other boys, but it's certainly possible that he was in the room or the garden with them doing his own thing while they were playing and got hit by accident.

However, I think your ex should absolutely have texted or called you straight away to let you know what had happened - I mean, it's a very noticeable injury isn't it? I'd have thought most people would send a text saying 'Just so you know, bit of a mishap earlier. DS was in the garden while the other boys were playing and got hit with a ball. He's totally OK, nothing serious and the boys are really sorry, but he might have a bit of a shiner I'm afraid' or something like that.

Whataretalkingabout · 30/08/2023 13:03

I doubt it was a ball that did it .

I was once hit very hard in the eye by a wet tennis ball thrown hard by a teenager in a swimming pool ( I was life guarding). It hurt very much. The boy was suspended for the summer but my eye did not go black and blue. Maybe because ice was applied immediately.

Your child must have been punched or have fallen on something.

Insist that Ex tells you the full story.