To not buy him the pink coat

LadyBitsnBobs · 2023-08-30T03:44:46+00:00

DS age 4 is starting school. We are choosing a new coat and as school says any colour is fine so I asked him and he want pink. He inherited many of older DD’s things so his precious football, his scooter, bike, are all pink. He associates pink with being outside in the park or cycling in the woods. It is his favourite colour. I am supposed to be an open-minded feminist. Why am I finding it hard to buy my son a pink coat for Reception? I found a “rainbow coat” on FB market which is lots of different colours - mostly navy but including a little bit of pink. And I bought that and fobbed him off. help me oh wise ones of MN. And the less wise, you just go right ahead and scorch me. Am I a fraud - not a feminist after all!

Catsmere · 30/08/2023 04:48

Pink as a girl's colour is a fairly recent development - a century or so ago pink was the vibrant, warm colour for boys and blue the cool, passive colour for girls, often enough.

My only concern would that be some idiot(s) will pop up and act as if wearing pink means he's "really" a girl.

Surlaplage · 30/08/2023 04:54

I'm the same. If I'm stuck, I will put my son's clothes on my daughter but I would never put my daughter's stuff on my son. Sometimes he wears her pink gloves to school and he doesn't care, and nor should he. My husband wears pink shirts and they look grear on him, but I wouldn't put my son in a sparkly hoodie with unicorns on it etc.

Ultimately clothes are clothes, and neither sex has the monopoly on a colour but I do get where you're coming from. I'm fine with my son wearing pink but I'm not OK with him wearing the very stereotypical patterns like hearts, mermaids and unicorns etc that some girls (mine!) love. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but would steer him gently away.

This brought back a funny memory of when I was giving birth to my son in a hospital where dad's could stay with you in a private room. My husband forgot pjs and so wore my flowery nightie and nobody batted an eyelid. I remember thinking 'what a secure man!'. He did not care!

PeloMom · 30/08/2023 04:58

My 4 yr old Ds loves pink and wants everything in pink. He doesn’t have a sister… I roll with it almost times🤣

PeanutContinuum · 30/08/2023 05:34

I hate that pink is such a loaded colour. I would discourage a girl from wearing too much pink because of that. I like pink at times but also would never wear certain things in pink or god forbid have pink handled tools!

That’s the issue really. While pink has particular, sexist connotations for some people, its somewhat off limits if you don’t want to be buying into that or for people to perceive that you are buying into that..

Colours should just be colours without the made up shite but sadly we aren’t there yet. It is changing but slowly. Not to mention the regressive ideology doing the rounds and setting us all back.

Perhaps he will develop a fondness for a nice sunflower yellow 🌻

Simonjt · 30/08/2023 05:59

If he wants a pink coat buy a pink coat, oh and be thankful he didn’t asked for a rainbow glitter coat and act like a total brat when he had to settle for a non glittery multi coloured coat.

Mummy08m · 30/08/2023 06:05

Starting school or any big transition is a tough time. Blending in and not being noticed definitely helps kids (and adults) feel more in control.

I think you've done absolutely the right thing.

There are better times and places for performing acts of feminism, if putting pink clothes on a boy is a feminist act (I'm not convinced it is a particularly effective one anyway)

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/08/2023 06:14

Given that your DD’s things are all pink, I think it’s too late to be worrying about stereotyping by colour - you’ve clearly already bought into the ‘Pink is for girls’ idea. You asked him what colour he wanted, he wanted pink, you’ve not bought him pink, so he knows now that for some reason he doesn’t understand, his liking for pink is not ok…

I don’t think it’s anything to do with feminism though 🤷🏼‍♀️

MintJulia · 30/08/2023 06:26

My feminist views wouldn't come into it. I'd be far more worried about your son being bullied. And if he wears a pink coat, that will be a real possibility.

School is a big transition. No need to make it harder.

TallerThanAverage · 30/08/2023 06:31

Don’t ask him what colour he wants if when he tells you what he would like you’re going to disregard it.

MidnightOnceMore · 30/08/2023 06:38

Parents holding this attitude I'd be far more worried about your son being bullied. And if he wears a pink coat, that will be a real possibility is one of the reasons some children grow up terrified of the opinions of others.

Also this: Starting school or any big transition is a tough time. Blending in and not being noticed definitely helps kids (and adults) feel more in control. For many kids being proud to be themselves helps them feel in control.

I'd have bought a pink coat. Being proud to be yourself is something you learn from how your parents treat you - if they tell you you have to 'fit in' it tells you you are not good enough the way you are. Fitting in with behaviour (not being rude, not being selfish etc) yes absolutely, but fitting in with free choices is just parents expressing their own fears through their children IMO.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 30/08/2023 06:39

Stop calling it pink, it's cerise or fuscia 😁

Goldbar · 30/08/2023 06:40

I hate pink. I personally would not buy any of my DC (boys/girls) a pink coat because I wouldn't want it hanging in the hallway or decorate their rooms in pink because I wouldn't want that much pink in the house 😂.

That doesn't help you though and I realise I'm a bit odd in that respect. Personally, I'd go with 'Coats get wet, muddy and dirty so it's best to buy them in darker colours.'' No use if you've already bought your DD a pink coat though.

soundsys · 30/08/2023 06:41

I mean, I wouldn't have asked what colour he wanted if you were going to ignore it tbh!

LunaNorth · 30/08/2023 06:43

Five years ago, I’d have bought him the pink coat.

With the rise in gender ideology that’s happened since, I wouldn’t, for fear of well-meaning teachers who’ve been on a Mermaids INSET day getting over-excited about his pronouns.

Sad, but here we are.

randomsabreuse · 30/08/2023 06:45

No to pink in reception for anyone for coats. It will get filthy. Same for yellow or any "light" shade.

Darker reds/burgundy are just about passable but you can still see the mess in places despite washing.

I also try to avoid black and plain navy for visibility when walking to school as well. DD has 2 tone blue walking waterproof for summer (and the paler but isn't looking great) while DS has a turquoise one from Lidl. Warm coats are red (DD) and reflective from Lidl (DS)

user4750 · 30/08/2023 06:46

LunaNorth · 30/08/2023 06:43

Five years ago, I’d have bought him the pink coat.

With the rise in gender ideology that’s happened since, I wouldn’t, for fear of well-meaning teachers who’ve been on a Mermaids INSET day getting over-excited about his pronouns.

Sad, but here we are.

This, absolutely. It’s not worth the risk that someone else in a position of power tries to fuck up your child’s head.

kezziegrey · 30/08/2023 06:46

My son was teased for having a small pink band around his pants in reception so I wouldn't do it personally. Interestingly my ds still says it's his favourite colour and he's 8! I thought he would give in to peer pressure but doesn't seem to have yet!

SingingKlingon · 30/08/2023 06:51

LunaNorth · 30/08/2023 06:43

Five years ago, I’d have bought him the pink coat.

With the rise in gender ideology that’s happened since, I wouldn’t, for fear of well-meaning teachers who’ve been on a Mermaids INSET day getting over-excited about his pronouns.

Sad, but here we are.

Same! Would def have bought the pink coat a year or 2 ago.

But would be too scared nowadays.

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/08/2023 06:56

It's an interesting one.

I am widely considered to be very confident/proud/self assured. I am fairly zero fucks given with regards to my choices my parenting, peoples opinions on my marriage/,life
I'm definitely a GC feminist too - so Wearing a pink dress do not make you a girl.
BUT i'm also a pragmatist which has served me much better in life than "being proud".

I think you have the right approach OP. He is 4... he doesnt know what he wants. In an ideal world I'd let my kids be free to do whatever but unfortunately the world is a shitty unfair place and honestly i'd shelter my 4 year old from that rather than use it to build character (you have another 15yrs + to do that). Realistically, No matter how smart and articulate your DS is he is not going to be able to rationalise his pink coat with a load of other 4 year olds.

Agree with the poster who mentioned not offering choices here. Uniform is uniform it needs to be durable practical and smart. Offer choices where it doesnt matter.

Reetnice · 30/08/2023 06:56

Ffs, let the boy have a pink coat. The kids will be 4/5, they wouldn’t and shouldn’t know anything about the “connotations of boys wearing pink”. Let your kid live 😂 you’re teaching him from a young age that we must dress to conform, through fear of other peoples opinions. How about teaching him that he can wear whatever the fuck he wants, and to not fear the words of others?

My 3 year old has pink glitter wellies and a rainbow coat. He also has paw patrol t shirts, dinosaur coats and bright purple trousers. Sometimes he chooses to wear them altogether. If that’s what hd wands then I just roll with it. I’m not instilling this fear of what other people “might” say to him. I’m just backing him.

Reetnice · 30/08/2023 06:58

MidnightOnceMore · 30/08/2023 06:38

Parents holding this attitude I'd be far more worried about your son being bullied. And if he wears a pink coat, that will be a real possibility is one of the reasons some children grow up terrified of the opinions of others.

Also this: Starting school or any big transition is a tough time. Blending in and not being noticed definitely helps kids (and adults) feel more in control. For many kids being proud to be themselves helps them feel in control.

I'd have bought a pink coat. Being proud to be yourself is something you learn from how your parents treat you - if they tell you you have to 'fit in' it tells you you are not good enough the way you are. Fitting in with behaviour (not being rude, not being selfish etc) yes absolutely, but fitting in with free choices is just parents expressing their own fears through their children IMO.

Omg, this! 100% ❤️

You explained it far better than me

VashtaNerada · 30/08/2023 07:01

I’m a primary teacher and I’ve seen quite a few boys in pink coats (and frilly socks and long hair!) It might depend on where you live though. If he likes it, let him. Honestly, as a teacher I’d have very short shrift for any child who said that any colours were gender-specific. We explicitly teach that all colours are for everyone.

Watchkeys · 30/08/2023 07:05

It used to be a status symbol for men to wear pink. It displayed wealth.

It really doesn't mean anything.

Lesleyknopeswaffleiron · 30/08/2023 07:08

I don’t think you are a bad feminist OP, and I can see your reasoning. But I voted YABU.

I feel a bit sad for your little boy. He wanted a pink coat, and he’s been told (however implicity) that he can’t have what he want because of his sex.

I think I’d have the same thought process as you - what about fitting in, what about the bullies etc, but I hope I’d be brave enough to go with the pink.

Sorry OP, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear!

Lesleyknopeswaffleiron · 30/08/2023 07:12

MidnightOnceMore · 30/08/2023 06:38

Parents holding this attitude I'd be far more worried about your son being bullied. And if he wears a pink coat, that will be a real possibility is one of the reasons some children grow up terrified of the opinions of others.

Also this: Starting school or any big transition is a tough time. Blending in and not being noticed definitely helps kids (and adults) feel more in control. For many kids being proud to be themselves helps them feel in control.

I'd have bought a pink coat. Being proud to be yourself is something you learn from how your parents treat you - if they tell you you have to 'fit in' it tells you you are not good enough the way you are. Fitting in with behaviour (not being rude, not being selfish etc) yes absolutely, but fitting in with free choices is just parents expressing their own fears through their children IMO.

This is beautifully expressed