To not buy him the pink coat

[LadyBitsnBobs]

DS age 4 is starting school. We are choosing a new coat and as school says any colour is fine so I asked him and he want pink.

He inherited many of older DD’s things so his precious football, his scooter, bike, are all pink. He associates pink with being outside in the park or cycling in the woods. It is his favourite colour.

I am supposed to be an open-minded feminist. Why am I finding it hard to buy my son a pink coat for Reception?

I found a “rainbow coat” on FB market which is lots of different colours - mostly navy but including a little bit of pink. And I bought that and fobbed him off.

help me oh wise ones of MN. And the less wise, you just go right ahead and scorch me. Am I a fraud - not a feminist after all!

My 11 year old boy wears a hot pink hoodie and electric yellow shorts, now seems to relish getting any negative comments! You do need a certain amount of swagger I think. This was not the case in the first few years of school when he just wanted to conform, blue black grey. He'd had a 'wonderful' dress sense as a toddler though, got some cracking photos! I'd always buy what he wanted (within reason) and let him deal with the consequences of his fashion choices. I would insist on a certain level of decorum for formal events of course.

It's also about practicality. I wouldn't buy myself a pink coat as it would get absolutely filthy very quickly commuting to work.

The same applies to a 4 year old: it will just get dirty so easily.

I don't genuinely think a 4 yo will be damaged by being denied a choice of coat colour.

In terms of wearing something they don't like: that's life. I don't get to wear lounge pants to work in an office. That's life. Time they got used to the fact you can't always wear what you want all the time.

@Reetnice
Totally agree with you, a simple “so?” Is perfect. Encourage children to be who they are, west what they want etc, etc. Not make them all sheep.

Well that makes your response even more ridiculous and horrifying then.

You’re easily horrified, but okay.

I’m glad you work in a sensible school.

This is where feminist views meet the reality of bullying, peer pressure, and family finances.

when my dd started school, her favorite color was blue. Within a few weeks, she changed to pink. The peer pressure was intense on a 3yo. She eventually found her inner self again and went back to blue. In the interim, I bought her some different items because she really wanted to fit in. We had the money to do that.

so if he wants a pink coat, I would buy two coats and hang them in the closet. Then each day he gets to make a free choice. I can afford to do that. If you can’t, then it’s a harder decision.

@ShellySarah You’re missing the point though. No they can’t wear stuff they want to all the time. But why make them wear stuff they don’t want to in their own time as well? I accept I can’t wear lounge pants to work but I’d be pretty miffed if my workplace started telling me what to wear on my commute as well - especially if that was my only coat and I wore it the rest of the time too.

It’s not about being “damaged” - this particular question is about asking a child what colour coat they want and then telling them they can’t have that colour after all.

I love how you have explained this.

The need to socially conform isn't about morality, it's about survival at the most basic level. Always has been. Social exclusion can be utterly miserable and life restricting.

In any case - the main flaw in this strategy is that when the child turns up to school and sees every other child in coats of various colours they know you lied.

My DS wears pink but I don't think I'd buy him a pink coat.

Mainly as a coat is a big ticket item that might last 2 years, and I'd be concerned after 6 months he might not want a pink coat after all. My long haired, "girly" clothes wearing child mostly wanted to wear black and cut his hair short by y1.

Jesus christ this thread is horrific.

I wouldn't even notice if a boy was wearing a pink coat. Who seriously cares? I hardly notice what any of the kids wear to my daughter's primary school. She's never come home and said she can't wear something because it's for boys. Where do your kids go to school that you're so worried a 4 year old will be bullied for wearing pink??

And don't get me started in the inane "the teachers will ask pronouns" bullshit - it's like being afraid of your own shadow with stupid comments like that. I've never heard about anyone I know with kids at primary school discussing pronouns or anything like that. Stop inventing bogeymen to scare yourself with.

How is society ever going to move on from harmful stereotypes if the advice is "don't stand out, don't be yourself, just fit in". That's awful advice for a young child. Let them be themselves and teach them to stand up for themselves. If they want to conform when they're older that's their choice but I wouldn't encourage it when they're so young and impressionable. All they're taking from it is that anyone different is wrong or bad and that's an awful thing to teach a kid.

It's very likely though that some of the boys would say 'that's a girl's coat' and he might end up refusing to wear it. Children of that age can be like the gender stereotype police. Three year olds, not so much.

The boy next door used to nab lots of his cousin's cast offs. He had a pink coat which he adored. No one cared. And he's now a standard pre teen in grey, camo and football gear.

Enjoy the colours while you can.

Bullies will always find something about you to pick on. I'd rather my child learn to deal with it than teach them to fear the opinions of arseholes.

I wouldn't have bought a pink coat either. There are certain hills I'd die on for the sake of personal expression/feminism/empowerment but clothing is not something I'd choose to make a stand with. A boy wearing a pink coat is making a statement and they will stand out. Some children will make comments and some parents will make judgements. The benefits of my DS wearing his colour preference would not outweigh the potential negative impact.

I'd rather make a stand or tolerate outdated questions about my DS taking a ballet class for instance as it's something that is far more likely to bring my DS joy (if he has chosen it) than an item of clothing.

To all the posters who think a pink coat means he will automatically get teased... newsflash, kids don't require any reason at all to tease or bully.

One of my best friends at school was gay and he spent most of his life at school trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Didn't work on the bullies. They zero in on any difference relentlessly.

Exactly, when we were shopping for school shoes if the assistant brought out a pair that I didn’t like I wouldn’t even let my children try them on.

In terms of wearing something they don't like: that's life. I don't get to wear lounge pants to work in an office. That's life. Time they got used to the fact you can't always wear what you want all the time.

Whereas I tell my DC that if they work hard and do well at school they will be able to wear what they want in a job of their choosing. DH and I both wear what we want to work because our workplaces are more interested in our skills than our dress sense. I want them to aim higher than a job with a uniform

Higher than a surgeon or astronaut?

Workplace dress codes don't necessarily imply uniforms? Odd that you'd think that.

Also odd that anyone’s most cherished hope for their children is that they have a job where they get to wear sweat pants.

Indeed 😂

I made the mistake of buying DD a pink raincoat once. Was from Lidl, nice cloud patterns but once worn in the mud, at forest school, making mud pies etc the mank never came out of the sleeves, despite multiple washes. So DS will not be getting any kind of pastel coloured coat. He does wear the hand me down grey, pink and turquoise ski jacket because the pink is in a better location (lapels not bum and bottom of sleeves).

If he'd been the older child he would probably have had one stupidly light coloured coat, probably yellow but his older sister did that experiment and made the issues abundantly clear despite being less of a muck magnet than DS...

DD does not wear white socks for school any more for similar reasons!

I agree, being quieter, gentle, more reserved isn't equivalent to having "poor social skills"

But I don’t agree with the last bit you wrote: it does mean they are easier targets.

I have known plenty of quiet, gentle, more reserved types who are not regarded as or treated as easy targets for bullying.

Just because you are quiet , gentle and reserved doesn’t mean that you lack confidence or self esteem.

I think it is important not to underestimate our kids and assume that they will be bullied over trivial things like what colour coat they wear. Or that they will be bullied if they express their individuality. They might not be bullied over something like that.

Bullies will pick on absolutely anything and if they can’t find something they will just make stuff up. They will lie, manipulate and spread malicious rumours that are completely fictional.

And being an easy target could be because you are insecure. Or it could be because you are new to a well established group where everyone knows each other but they don’t know you and you have no one to back you up. Perhaps you inadvertently offended the queen bee or alpha male and they took an instant dislike to you or maybe they are threatened by your confidence.

Being regarded as an easy target can be for many reasons but it is always because they see you as weak or in a weak position.

And sure, it’s not that easy to build good social skills when they don’t come naturally to you but it is important and worth focusing on and continuing to work on it.

Not to mention nosey “woke” teachers, should he be so unlucky as to have any!