To not buy him the pink coat

[LadyBitsnBobs]

DS age 4 is starting school. We are choosing a new coat and as school says any colour is fine so I asked him and he want pink.

He inherited many of older DD’s things so his precious football, his scooter, bike, are all pink. He associates pink with being outside in the park or cycling in the woods. It is his favourite colour.

I am supposed to be an open-minded feminist. Why am I finding it hard to buy my son a pink coat for Reception?

I found a “rainbow coat” on FB market which is lots of different colours - mostly navy but including a little bit of pink. And I bought that and fobbed him off.

help me oh wise ones of MN. And the less wise, you just go right ahead and scorch me. Am I a fraud - not a feminist after all!

Easier said than done. Some kids naturally struggle with this - you can't bottle confidence and a lot of it is nature not nurture.

Plus being quieter, gentle, more reserved isn't equivalent to having "poor social skills" - it does mean they are easier targets.

This. Saddens me, but it’s real life sadly and I’d want to protect him for now at transition stage.

It might be a bit much for a coat he wears every day. But my son used to occasionally have pink things, socks and a shirt when he was about 11. I thought he looked fine. He likes purple as well

I wouldn’t give a four year old a choice of coat. I would buy a sensible one in navy or black for either a girl or a boy as it’s neutral enough to not be interesting enough to get taken by anyone else or attract comments but most importantly it doesn’t look as dirty as quickly.

I don’t know if young kids associate pink with girls so much nowadays.

My son at Uni happily wears a pink hoodie. I must admit I was a bit surprised when i first saw it but he just laughed and said lots of guys wear pink now and it’s not a big deal. He’s even got a pink beanie hat. My other son wears a pink t-shirt. I don’t even notice now. I’m really glad pink is becoming more acceptable for males.

He's 4 and he wants a pink coat. Unreasonable not to just buy him the coat.

Surely if he grows up thinking boys aren't allowed pink, and he's knows he does like it then is this not the thin end of the wedge with him thinking "But I like pink, and pink is a girl's colour so maybe I'm actually a girl"? MN is so horrified about children wanting to change sex.....is it not needlessly enforcing stereotypes like pink coats are for girls only that lead to this?

I definitely think they have. I saw a kid about 3 point to a toy kitchen and he was told in very aggressive terms that toy kitchens were for girls.

I accept that other people have their views but I try not to factor those people into my choices, unless I genuinely think physical harm is possible.

You can't let twats decide what your kids get to do!

I don't really have a problem with teaching my child that they have to dress to conform - whether we like it or not there are standards of dress in society, and dressing outside those standards (even if they seem arbitrary) sends a message of rejection and rebellion.

Which can be powerful when you do want to send such a message.

But I don't think it's beneficial to just pretend that those standards don't exist and you should above all be 100% true to your own personal whims. It's not that I want to raise a conformist child, per se - I have a definite anticonformist streak myself - but I do want to raise one who's aware of the default rules, so they can either choose to conform to them when it doesn't matter or deliberately choose not to, with the full knowledge of what that signal is that they're sending when they do so.

I also agree this is very well expressed.

OP my son never asked for a pick coat. However I always allowed him to wear pink if he wanted too. I don't buy pink for my DDs but people get them pink stuff by default so It's around the house. My son used to wear his sister's pink skates and a few other things. His dad wasn't happy and I had to tell him off (in front of him and the girls). He is growing into a very confident boy now age 12.

I remember once he went to a camp with a pink lunch box and pink water bottle. When he came back home he told us (really proud of himself) that the boys try to slagged him about the color. One boy said "I can tell you have sisters" and he replied "That's a very sexist comment". Of course he said that because he hears that from me. He was 9 at the time. I was so proud of him. For his confidence.
He told me the next day nobody slagged him, he made lots of friends in the camp.

I appreciate its difficult to go against the flow, but when the flow is stupid and backwards they need to see that you are brave.

We have to create independent thinkers and not followers. He is someone respected in his class. He just says what he actually thinks. It's not just about pink. It's about the sports they pick to do, their tastes, the books they read, the movies you watch with them.

Best of luck x

I'm with you. I can only assume other posters live in much nicer areas than I am that are surrounded by accepting people.

Those areas do exist, in pockets I guess.

Given they all wear a uniform, self expression via clothing is already being diminished anyhow. Nothing like making sure you all look the same to enforce social conformity. It's a much stronger message than your Mum not buying a pink coat!

My child hates wearing uniform. I regularly have to go against what they want to wear by making them wear it. So the argument of not supporting them in their choices is ridiculous if these posters plan on supporting the school in their uniform policy.

It would be lovely to live in this world where we all can do what we like to no detriment. But it's not realistic.

That’s really sad to think some parents are still peddling this nonsense, especially parents young enough to have a three year old. When my son was young I looked everywhere for a kids baking set but they were marketed ‘for girls’ on the bloody box! I wrote and complained but got no reply.

I totally understand the desire to protect your kid but I think teaching them to live in fear of other people's views is damaging to their emotional well-being.

I'd rather teach them what is right and how to ignore dickheads.

It's all in your head. This is your issue.

Nothing wrong with a pink coat.

I wouldn't wear one myself though. 😂

I agree. Yes colours shouldn’t be assigned by sex and it is a bit weird when you think about it. But if he came home upset saying the other boys were teasing him about his pink coat I would kick myself for not quietly getting him another and telling him the pink ones had sold out. I would try to find another coat he liked as a consolation prize ie one with dinosaurs if I knew he liked them.

I’d have just told him he’s not having pink because it will get dirty quickly. Would probably say the same to a girl.

Having, said that, DS had a red hand-me-down jacket (I thought red would do for both) and was often mistaken for a girl!

The coat you’ve actually chosen sounds fun!

I took the 'be the change you want to see' approach.

I am a fragment of society, I get to decide certain things and decide them I will.

Every little bit of resistance to the bullshit is worthwhile.

My DS always loved pink and sparkly things as well as trucks, dinosaurs and superheros. When we went shopping for a backpack for Pre-School he went straight for a pink one with a little sparkly unicorn on it and, like many posters here, I didn't see a valid reason to tell him 'no'. Like many pp have said, my view was that kids this age shouldn't have any concept of colours being gendered anyway. I was wrong. He came home in tears because some boys had laughed at him, told him his bag was a "girls bag", that "pink is for girls and unicorns are for girls" and so they didn't want to play with him, and they also told other boys not to play with him. These are three and four year olds. Despite us and the pre-school staff assuring DS that those boys were the ones in the wrong he actively rejected anything pink or glittery from that day on.

OP, it's all very well other people telling you to "be the change you want to see" and teach your DS to "be his unique self", but honestly taking a pink unicorn backpack to preschool didn't achieve that for my DS! It just caused unnecessary upset that could have been avoided.

Be the change you want to see in the world

At the British summer champs this summer there were 2 choices of hoody.

White with pink decor.
Blue with orange decor.

There were as many males and females wearing each but slightly more males appeared to have the white and pink but probably because the small sizes had been delayed in delivery and so many girls got left with no choice.

Kids in the 21st century are much more willing to be themselves.

It's the bloody adults who try and assign some gender construct to it.

I agree with you that it's not the kids.

You did the right thing. You trusted your gut.

You have been to school and understand that there are idiots in the playground.
Your boy will not care at all as long as he has little friends and has a lovely teacher.

One of my sons has a pale pink coat and a pink shirt and shorts socks boxers etc .
Hes in his 20s with a life of his own i dont see anything wrong with it .
My eldest son loved nail art at 4 me thinking it was a faze no he went on to own his own 2 nail salons hes also way in his 20s his long term partner soon to be wife loves it free nails lol .

I wouldn't buy a boy OR a girl a pink coat in reception, purely for the fact that it will get absolutely filthy 🤣 Stick to dark-ish colours (burgundy would be my compromise on pink!)

Your navy rainbow coat sounds ideal actually.

Just to add, I also don't particularly want to encourage my child thinking he could only "be his authentic self" via expressing himself in commercially-branded clothing, or that he's somehow less "true" to himself if he has to wear standard clothes.

Why not a dark cerise pink?

Why does everyone assume pink = pastel pink?

I love the poster above whos ds in his 20's wears pink.

My 19yo ds wear purple all the time.

He loves purple. He wore a purple shirt to my mums funeral. She would have loved this. She loved the fact he was and is his own person.

So you/your kids go/went to school wearing whatever they like then? No uniform, no confirming at all?

You go to work wearing what you like regardless of the dress codes? I'm the name of being the change you want to see? How has that worked out for you?

My point being the coat is a complete red herring. There are much bigger things at play that condition our kids into conformity.

It's a coat. It'll be ruined by Christmas. School and uniform itself are by themselves alone, teaching conformity.