To not buy him the pink coat

[LadyBitsnBobs]

DS age 4 is starting school. We are choosing a new coat and as school says any colour is fine so I asked him and he want pink.

He inherited many of older DD’s things so his precious football, his scooter, bike, are all pink. He associates pink with being outside in the park or cycling in the woods. It is his favourite colour.

I am supposed to be an open-minded feminist. Why am I finding it hard to buy my son a pink coat for Reception?

I found a “rainbow coat” on FB market which is lots of different colours - mostly navy but including a little bit of pink. And I bought that and fobbed him off.

help me oh wise ones of MN. And the less wise, you just go right ahead and scorch me. Am I a fraud - not a feminist after all!

This.

Thanks everyone. Wide range of opinions here! my dd had lots of her male cousins clothes as a baby/toddler and often people assumed she was a boy, but “big” gifts from family tended to be pink and girly (especially from MiL and SiL who thought I was not allowing her to be feminine by denying her a life immersed in pink). And DD then chose a pink 3-wheel scooter because it was “the same colour as Peppa Pig” (a few years later - her second, stunt scooter is blue).

I am GC and in the “clothes don’t make you a woman” camp. But I’m also a historian and aware that clothes are extremely important, and have a social significance which cannot be ignored. So I’m puzzled at myself, really.

Well anyway now my son has a fabulous coat with many, many colours. Maybe he will grow up and do something of biblical importance!

But this is why people have a problem. We are taking about a child choosing a colour. It has nothing to do with frilly socks and long hair but you have lumped them together!! And talking about gender. Gender is a social construct and a belief system that not everyone believes THE WORD IS SEX

My ds’s have both worn a bright coral puffer coat many many times at about 3 or 4. I didn’t think twice about it and nor has anyone else! They don’t have any older sisters, it was bought for them.

I do wonder how many of the "buy him the pink coat" people would actually do it when put on the spot. Obviously he should be able to wear whatever colour he wants to. And obviously it's wildly unfair that girls CAN actually wear whatever colour they want. But the fact remains that we do live in a patriarchal society with quite rigid standards of masculinity. I don't think a 4 year old is capable of understanding the cultural context and possible consequences of him wearing a pink coat. If it was my child I would make the safe decision for him at 4. By the time he was 7 or 8 he should be well informed enough to make the decision for himself.

Same. I'd be bringing up the boys' coats in his size and letting him pick from those. In an ideal world all colours are for children, not boys or girls, but the situation is heading further from ideal than it was before.

My son who is now 7 has always loved pink and has worn pink since he could choose it. He's also got long hair. He's worn pink T-shirts and crocs to school and has a pink scooter. He's never been bullied about it and if he was that's up to the teachers to flag up. It's only a colour.

I think I'd have been age-appropriately honest. 'Ds, I know how much you like pink, and it's a great colour, but sometimes some people have silly ideas that pink isn't a boys' colour, and there may be some children in your class whose parents have told them that and I want you to enjoy school without being upset by them.'

But it’s not a safe decision. Safe for you, maybe. It’s what you’re teaching your child; other people’s opinions matter, so better to conform for my sake as it makes me uncomfortable.

my almost 4 year old needed new wellies. He specifically chose pink glittery ones and black darth vader ones. If id of stood there and said no you can have the pink, he’d of asked why and I would’ve had to explain this whole discussion. I would have planted the seed in his little head ghat me, his mum, cares more about the thought of others and the potential comments of other 4 year olds, than his own desire to wear something, and that I don’t back him. Kids aren’t stupid

Definitely NOT this. I'd have said (if anything) some people have silly ideas about colours...maybe you can explain theres no such thing as girls and boys colours to those silly people. The Op will be back in a few years asking if she really has to spend £200 on school trainers as her kid is so terrified of being bullied if she doesn't.

My DD is early teens and long since learnt to say "yes this is my coat / bag / top" I like it. And? " I taught her a cool detachment and slight confusion about why would it be an issue that her pencil case wasn't from Smiggle works quite well..when people have to actually try and explain why they're giving her hard time they can't do it and go away.

I think buying him a coat with pink elements is the best solution and compromise here, which you have done. A full pink coat may very well make him a target for ridicule, sadly it’s not how liberal you are for buying him a pink coat that is the issue - it’s protecting him from the others in the world that would give him a hard time that matters.

I'd say be the change you want to see. Let the boy wear pink and have him grow up knowing that clothes are just clothes.

Maybe now you've bought another just tell him they ran out of pink rather than letting him think he wasn't allowed because he is a boy.

I think I'd worry about him being bullied. I put my DS in clothes with pink on but not totally pink but he's 3 and possibly autistic so doesn't care and nor do the other kids at nursery.
When he starts school though I will avoid punk. It's crap but we all know how cruel kids can be.

Please don't buy him different from what he wants whilst you manage your own feelings around this.

My ds is 19 now and purple is still his favourite colour.

Bags, jumpers, t shirts, water bottles, swim kit, stationary.

I've embraced this and love spending time seeking out purple things for him.

The latest is the embroidered name keyrings in purple for him to hand off his bags so he knows it's his (sports team with matching bags!).

This is an excellent point.

I've always argued and still vehemently feel and will argue that gender ideology has reinforced gender stereotypes just as we'd started to move away from them.

Pink is a colour. That's it. It has no meaning. It's a colour.

The same as owning a cat has no reason other than you'd prefer a cat to a dog.

There's underlying story to the choice.

But why fudge the truth? He'll pick up on it soon enough (if he hasn't at nursery or wherever) through stuff other children say.

18 years' and three children's worth of parenting have taught me that straightforward honesty is almost always the best policy.

@Reetnice "But it’s not a safe decision. Safe for you, maybe. It’s what you’re teaching your child; other people’s opinions matter, so better to conform for my sake as it makes me uncomfortable."

No. Safe for him. It would be hideously uncomfortable for me to steer him away from pink. It goes against everything I believe.

OK so I get all the comments above saying that there’s a desire to protect our kids from the world etc. And I’m absolutely not saying that I would be immune to those feelings. I didn’t fit in at school and it sucked.

All those ‘should I, shouldn’t I feelings’ would absolutely run through my head, and I agree with a previous poster that those who say they wouldn’t care aren’t being truly honest.

BUT. How can we expect society to change if we don’t give our kids (especially boys) the confidence to accept what they like and dislike. Why is it different to him liking ballet and being teased for that?

We can’t protect our kids from being teased. We can try our absolute best to install confidence and no-fucks-given about this sort of stuff, to explain that being yourself is a good thing, that we shouldn’t be ashamed of our interests and passions in order to fit in.

The power of conformity may still win out, and next year he might want a navy coat to fit in.

But OP you asked him what he wanted, you gave him a choice, and then you said his choice was unacceptable

Maybe consider getting him a pink something else (hat, gloves, or pencil case?) to go with the non pink coat. That shows you are not censoring pink, but it’ll be easier for him not to wear it if he gets a hard time over it. The rainbow coat sounds very cute by the way. I bet he will look gorgeous in it.

I’m firmly in the wear “Let him wear what he likes” camp but doesn’t a rainbow coat also have connotations if we’re going to worry about colours?

@ShoesoftheWorld what truth? What will he pick up later? That some people are sheep and only ever want to blend in? That's it's good to hide and deny your preferences if they don't "fit"? I would hope he will learn that some people are dicks, that friends worth having are those who accept his liking of pink coats or whatever and not to bother with the others.
As for the fear of Mermaid / Trans ideology, any hint from anyone that a preference for pink might indicate Trans is easily dealt with by the adults, it's not a reason to deny a child what they like.

I had 2 boys in the early 90s so all the stuff modern parents are having to deal with just wasn't there. I bought dark green school coats for my boys for the winter. Had I had girls I would have bought an equally dark colour. Girls seemed to have navy blue / black at that point. Pink/ any light colour just isn't practical. It will be filthy in 5 minutes and some of the marks will never come out. Washing/ drying it will inevitably fall to you . The more you wash it the older it will look very quickly. School was never a fashion statement. Clothes were sensible, practical and basically dull.

Reetnice · Today 06:56
Ffs, let the boy have a pink coat. The kids will be 4/5, they wouldn’t and shouldn’t know anything about the “connotations of boys wearing pink”. Let your kid live 😂 you’re teaching him from a young age that we must dress to conform, through fear of other peoples opinions. How about teaching him that he can wear whatever the fuck he wants, and to not fear the words of others?

My 3 year old has pink glitter wellies and a rainbow coat. He also has paw patrol t shirts, dinosaur coats and bright purple trousers. Sometimes he chooses to wear them altogether. If that’s what hd wands then I just roll with it. I’m not instilling this fear of what other people “might” say to him. I’m just backing him.”

All of this. Our grandson wears every colour to nursery, no-one has ever said a word. My husband is 64, looks fabulous in a pink shirt/jumper.

You hesitated because you know that not everyone is like minded. If you let him have a pink coat for school he could get bullied. Sometimes our personal beliefs don't matter in the wider world where we have little control.

I would buy him a pink coat.
He's allowed to like the colours he likes, and you said he could choose. I disagree with saying he could choose and then basically telling him he chose wrong and getting your own choice instead.