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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy him the pink coat

225 replies

LadyBitsnBobs · 30/08/2023 04:44

DS age 4 is starting school. We are choosing a new coat and as school says any colour is fine so I asked him and he want pink.

He inherited many of older DD’s things so his precious football, his scooter, bike, are all pink. He associates pink with being outside in the park or cycling in the woods. It is his favourite colour.

I am supposed to be an open-minded feminist. Why am I finding it hard to buy my son a pink coat for Reception?

I found a “rainbow coat” on FB market which is lots of different colours - mostly navy but including a little bit of pink. And I bought that and fobbed him off.

help me oh wise ones of MN. And the less wise, you just go right ahead and scorch me. Am I a fraud - not a feminist after all!

OP posts:
Catsmere · 30/08/2023 23:07

Middlelanehogger · 30/08/2023 09:23

Just to add, I also don't particularly want to encourage my child thinking he could only "be his authentic self" via expressing himself in commercially-branded clothing, or that he's somehow less "true" to himself if he has to wear standard clothes.

Exactly what I thought reading a pp comment about the unicorn bag - this is all mass produced commercial stuff, there’s nothing unique about any of it!

Winnipeggy · 30/08/2023 23:29

Paix · 30/08/2023 11:15

I know someone who, many years ago, went to work in a pink suit. He identifies as male, but he is colour blind. He did not see pink, but he thought it looked a nice colour. Likes low key stuff, modest patterns. He never did it again. Once the colour had been explained to him he realised it wasn’t how he wanted to look.

I have zero idea of your point

CambridgeBuns · 31/08/2023 10:46

LadyBitsnBobs · 30/08/2023 04:44

DS age 4 is starting school. We are choosing a new coat and as school says any colour is fine so I asked him and he want pink.

He inherited many of older DD’s things so his precious football, his scooter, bike, are all pink. He associates pink with being outside in the park or cycling in the woods. It is his favourite colour.

I am supposed to be an open-minded feminist. Why am I finding it hard to buy my son a pink coat for Reception?

I found a “rainbow coat” on FB market which is lots of different colours - mostly navy but including a little bit of pink. And I bought that and fobbed him off.

help me oh wise ones of MN. And the less wise, you just go right ahead and scorch me. Am I a fraud - not a feminist after all!

How does your son wearing pink and you bring a feminist link?

You've swathed your daughter in pink, so why not your son?

A feminist most likely wouldn’t have swathed her daughter in pink.

Coffeeshopsings · 31/08/2023 11:04

My 5 year old has just started school and he's got a pink school bag with stars on. He loves it. His favourite colour has been pink for as long as he's known his colours. He's got pink wellies, pink hat and gloves, pink ear defenders (he's autistic), loads of pink clothes. It's just a colour after all. I'm sure we'll get to a point where other kids will tell him that pink is a girls colour and he'll want to stop wearing it so much but for now I'm embracing it as much as possible for him. I do darker coats for school cause they end up filthy, that's the only reason I wouldn't buy a pink one. Maybe see if you can find a different coloured coat with a pink trim or pink lining inside?

Ýsette · 31/08/2023 12:18

Mummy08m · 30/08/2023 06:05

Starting school or any big transition is a tough time. Blending in and not being noticed definitely helps kids (and adults) feel more in control.

I think you've done absolutely the right thing.

There are better times and places for performing acts of feminism, if putting pink clothes on a boy is a feminist act (I'm not convinced it is a particularly effective one anyway)

Sorry peeps, pink has nothing to do with feminism.

Ýsette · 31/08/2023 12:20

And, I would buy pink for a boy if he wished, but would not give in for rainbow.
Hate anything with rainbow because of what it stands for now

blahblahhhh · 31/08/2023 12:33

Not what you asked but if you had one of each why wouldn't you buy neutral balls scooters and bikes?

I have 2 girls but I never bought pink / yellow / bright green incase the youngest didn't like it.

Melszone · 31/08/2023 13:25

blahblahhhh · 31/08/2023 12:33

Not what you asked but if you had one of each why wouldn't you buy neutral balls scooters and bikes?

I have 2 girls but I never bought pink / yellow / bright green incase the youngest didn't like it.

Exactly this @LadyBitsnBobs Especially if claiming to be a feminist 🤦‍♀️

Diamondstars · 31/08/2023 13:29

LadyBitsnBobs · 30/08/2023 04:44

DS age 4 is starting school. We are choosing a new coat and as school says any colour is fine so I asked him and he want pink.

He inherited many of older DD’s things so his precious football, his scooter, bike, are all pink. He associates pink with being outside in the park or cycling in the woods. It is his favourite colour.

I am supposed to be an open-minded feminist. Why am I finding it hard to buy my son a pink coat for Reception?

I found a “rainbow coat” on FB market which is lots of different colours - mostly navy but including a little bit of pink. And I bought that and fobbed him off.

help me oh wise ones of MN. And the less wise, you just go right ahead and scorch me. Am I a fraud - not a feminist after all!

Be the parent here. You buy the coat. He’s 4. It’s for school. It needs to be practical and washable. To make things simple for yourself, go plain and either uniform colour or whatever is in stock in the uniform section in Tescos.

SundayNight · 31/08/2023 13:33

LadyBitsnBobs · 30/08/2023 04:44

DS age 4 is starting school. We are choosing a new coat and as school says any colour is fine so I asked him and he want pink.

He inherited many of older DD’s things so his precious football, his scooter, bike, are all pink. He associates pink with being outside in the park or cycling in the woods. It is his favourite colour.

I am supposed to be an open-minded feminist. Why am I finding it hard to buy my son a pink coat for Reception?

I found a “rainbow coat” on FB market which is lots of different colours - mostly navy but including a little bit of pink. And I bought that and fobbed him off.

help me oh wise ones of MN. And the less wise, you just go right ahead and scorch me. Am I a fraud - not a feminist after all!

@LadyBitsnBobs is this about you? Do you want to standout? To be the mum of the quirky kid? You are his parent. It’s your responsibility to do what you think is right for your children. They’re people, not accessories.

ZebraDanios · 31/08/2023 18:10

SundayNight · 31/08/2023 13:33

@LadyBitsnBobs is this about you? Do you want to standout? To be the mum of the quirky kid? You are his parent. It’s your responsibility to do what you think is right for your children. They’re people, not accessories.

Show quote history

Maybe if she’d said “I want my child to have a practical-coloured coat that matches his uniform BUT I also want everyone to think he’s quirky and I’m trying to make a point, should I just get him a pink coat?” then that answer would make sense.

But she didn’t. She didn’t say anything about the coat needing to be practical, and she specified that it didn’t need to match the uniform. So she asked him what colour coat he wanted and he told her. Then she questioned why she felt she couldn’t actually buy him that coat after all.

She’s not trying to make her son into something he isn’t, she’s trying to do her best by the child he already is, and it’s not necessarily straightforward. It’s not about whether she wants her child to be quirky, it’s about how she can be the best mum she can to the child she has, quirky or otherwise.

Afewweeksofsummer · 31/08/2023 18:22

I wouldn't have bought a pink coat. It doesn't, and shouldn't matter. But the fact is that someone will tell him pink is for girls and laugh. he'd be upset and probably wouldn't want to wear the coat.

I wouldn't tell him why I wasn't buying a pink coat but I'd do as you've done and find a rainbow one and fob him off.

OneTC · 31/08/2023 18:39

MidnightOnceMore · 30/08/2023 06:38

Parents holding this attitude I'd be far more worried about your son being bullied. And if he wears a pink coat, that will be a real possibility is one of the reasons some children grow up terrified of the opinions of others.

Also this: Starting school or any big transition is a tough time. Blending in and not being noticed definitely helps kids (and adults) feel more in control. For many kids being proud to be themselves helps them feel in control.

I'd have bought a pink coat. Being proud to be yourself is something you learn from how your parents treat you - if they tell you you have to 'fit in' it tells you you are not good enough the way you are. Fitting in with behaviour (not being rude, not being selfish etc) yes absolutely, but fitting in with free choices is just parents expressing their own fears through their children IMO.

tbf I have a pink bike and I'm an adult and total strangers give me shit about it regularly. I mostly find it hilarious that there are adults that find a man on a pink bike remarkable but I'm pretty thick skinned from a lifetime of being remarkable Grin

Yeah kids should wear what they want but there's gonna be some dickheads though

SundayNight · 31/08/2023 18:42

ZebraDanios · 31/08/2023 18:10

Maybe if she’d said “I want my child to have a practical-coloured coat that matches his uniform BUT I also want everyone to think he’s quirky and I’m trying to make a point, should I just get him a pink coat?” then that answer would make sense.

But she didn’t. She didn’t say anything about the coat needing to be practical, and she specified that it didn’t need to match the uniform. So she asked him what colour coat he wanted and he told her. Then she questioned why she felt she couldn’t actually buy him that coat after all.

She’s not trying to make her son into something he isn’t, she’s trying to do her best by the child he already is, and it’s not necessarily straightforward. It’s not about whether she wants her child to be quirky, it’s about how she can be the best mum she can to the child she has, quirky or otherwise.

Show quote history

Perhaps it would help the decision making process for both of she narrowed it down. What she’s done, in the mine of a 4 year old, is ask him what colour he wants and then take his choice away.

Perhaps I’ve repressed my kids by making most of the day to day choices for them when they were young. This is what we’re eating. This is when we’re leaving. This is what we’re wearing. Nice and simple… and no doubt, damaging.

firef1y · 31/08/2023 18:52

If it were my son I would (and have) buy him the pink coat. My almost 10yo son absolutely loves pink and sparkles and has done for as long as I remember. Thankfully his school is very supportive of all the children being allowed to express themselves (on non-school uniform days and in thr way of coats).
Yes there has been an occasional bit of bullying, but this was nipped in the bud with a class discussion about how there are no boys or girls clothes and anyone can wear anything.
I find adults are the most bully like when it comes to his clothing choices, making some very rude comments.
He is also a boy who plays with dolls, likes nicking my cheap jewellery, got me to dye his hair pink at the start of the holidays so he could shave it off again before he goes back. He's also a boy that enjoys lego, cars, football, and everything traditionally masculine.

*I have brought all my children up in a non gender typical house. We've never had boys toys and girls toys, boys clothes and girls clothes. We've just had toys and clothes and both boys and girls have been allowed to play with what they want.

Okaaaay · 31/08/2023 19:05

Think this is really tough. But the posters saying 4/5 year olds don’t care - they don’t know why they care or why it matters, but they will definitely point it out. My DS has a pink scooter and two children, separately, in the park today asked why he, as a boy, had a pink scooter (both were 5). It makes me rage - I did, very politely and through gritted teeth, explain that pink is a colour and is for anyone who enjoys it not just for girls. We have got to keep at this agenda people - regardless of some of the craziness around the edges

ZebraDanios · 31/08/2023 19:13

SundayNight · 31/08/2023 18:42

Perhaps it would help the decision making process for both of she narrowed it down. What she’s done, in the mine of a 4 year old, is ask him what colour he wants and then take his choice away.

Perhaps I’ve repressed my kids by making most of the day to day choices for them when they were young. This is what we’re eating. This is when we’re leaving. This is what we’re wearing. Nice and simple… and no doubt, damaging.

Show quote history

Lots of posters here say the same thing about not offering the choice in the first place, but how does that help OP now? I agree with your first point - she’s given him the choice and then taken it away - but it’s very little use to the OP to hear that she just shouldn’t have let him choose because her question is about the consequences of a choice that’s already been made.

AvengedQuince · 31/08/2023 19:17

blahblahhhh · 31/08/2023 12:33

Not what you asked but if you had one of each why wouldn't you buy neutral balls scooters and bikes?

I have 2 girls but I never bought pink / yellow / bright green incase the youngest didn't like it.

Exactly. I don't remember my friends or even my very girly sister having the sea of pink like there is now. Our bikes were unisex and always passed down when we were young.

summersun29 · 31/08/2023 19:21

I don't think you're unreasonable OP - society is and you're probably just being realistic and thinking about the reaction he will get from others.

I consider myself a feminist and would be unsure too! I wish the world wasn't this way but sadly it is.

SundayNight · 31/08/2023 20:39

ZebraDanios · 31/08/2023 19:13

Lots of posters here say the same thing about not offering the choice in the first place, but how does that help OP now? I agree with your first point - she’s given him the choice and then taken it away - but it’s very little use to the OP to hear that she just shouldn’t have let him choose because her question is about the consequences of a choice that’s already been made.

Show quote history

I which case, she should get a pink coat. He’s 4. No one is going to care what colour his coat is.

ZebraDanios · 31/08/2023 20:47

SundayNight · 31/08/2023 20:39

I which case, she should get a pink coat. He’s 4. No one is going to care what colour his coat is.

Show quote history

is this about you? Do you want to standout? To be the mum of the quirky kid? You are his parent. It’s your responsibility to do what you think is right for your children. They’re people, not accessories.

So do you think no-one will care about what colour his coat is, or do you think it’ll make him “the quirky kid” who is an accessory to his mum who is desperate to “stand out”?

SundayNight · 31/08/2023 22:11

ZebraDanios · 31/08/2023 20:47

is this about you? Do you want to standout? To be the mum of the quirky kid? You are his parent. It’s your responsibility to do what you think is right for your children. They’re people, not accessories.

So do you think no-one will care about what colour his coat is, or do you think it’ll make him “the quirky kid” who is an accessory to his mum who is desperate to “stand out”?

Show quote history

I think OP thinks it will make him the quirky kid, but I don’t think anyone will be remotely interested in his coat.

ZebraDanios · 31/08/2023 22:38

Fair enough, @SundayNight, if you say so. I still don’t get the “people not accessories” thing but clearly I’m just being obtuse!

ZebraDanios · 31/08/2023 22:43

CambridgeBuns · 31/08/2023 10:46

How does your son wearing pink and you bring a feminist link?

You've swathed your daughter in pink, so why not your son?

A feminist most likely wouldn’t have swathed her daughter in pink.

Show quote history

So if you have a daughter who really likes pink, should you not let them wear it because you can’t do that and be a feminist?

yohawex318 · 31/08/2023 23:24

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