To not buy him the pink coat

[LadyBitsnBobs]

DS age 4 is starting school. We are choosing a new coat and as school says any colour is fine so I asked him and he want pink.

He inherited many of older DD’s things so his precious football, his scooter, bike, are all pink. He associates pink with being outside in the park or cycling in the woods. It is his favourite colour.

I am supposed to be an open-minded feminist. Why am I finding it hard to buy my son a pink coat for Reception?

I found a “rainbow coat” on FB market which is lots of different colours - mostly navy but including a little bit of pink. And I bought that and fobbed him off.

help me oh wise ones of MN. And the less wise, you just go right ahead and scorch me. Am I a fraud - not a feminist after all!

Yanbu. I wish we lived in a world where clothes and colours weren't segregated, and actively avoided pink for DD when she was little. But sending your DS to school in a pink coat is inviting teasing unfortunately and sometimes you have to let go of your principles to protect their best interests.

My DS used to often choose colours or styles associated with feminine stereotypes. He also had long blond hair and regularly got mistaken for a girl. He just used to correct people, it never bothered him and he seemed resilient enough to shut down potential bullies (mostly by ignoring them). He ended up having loads of friends all throughout school. He's now 6'4, still has long blond hair, only ever wears black, and has a great social life as well as having succeeded at school (despite having some learning difficulties). I never once discouraged him from wearing pink or made him doubt his choices.

I said I get to decide certain things and decide them I will

We are all constrained in some ways and free in others, that is human life.

Where I have freedom, I try to just do what I want. It's worked out pretty well, some of which is just luck as it is in everyone's lives.

I think it's a real pity that you didn't just get him the coat he wanted.
I'm not sure it has anything to do with feminism, though.

Wearing a pink coat isn't really a big empowering sign of "being proud to be yourself", is it?
Would you say the same if a girl chose a pink coat for school?

It's always the same on here; "Don't dress your dd in pink, do you really want her to grow up a feckless airhead with Barbie as a role model?!"
But if it's a ds - "Why would you get him the green one when pink (preferably with fairy wings attached) will show the world he's not afraid to be who he is?"
It's all such nonsense, really.

Can you buy him a pink coat for ‘best’, if he’s bothered about not having one? You can tell him pink isn’t practical for school because it’ll get filthy!

Nothing wrong with boys in pink BUT unfortunately other kids will take the piss and I'm guessing most pink coats are styled for girls....just show him others and say wow blah blah blah....I don't think it's bad how he hasn't had his own scooter football etc and maybe that's why he likes pink....but anyways deffo don't do the pink coat.

I personally wouldn’t buy my son a pink coat but then again i wouldn’t buy my daughter a pink coat for school either, we always went for black or navy for school as it’s left on the playground, trailed behind them walking home from school and end up filthy. Pink is such an impractical colour for school.

Literally no child will notice in reception. One boy in DDs class goes in wearing dresses. Gender stereotypes don't seem to have registered yet so they're all happy wearing whatever they want (no uniform at our school)

But there might be a dynamic whereby some child or children who have picked up rigid/sexist ideas from their parents set the tone for how unorthodox clothing/colour choices are received. It's not about a binary 'proud of who you are' versus 'timid sheep'. It's about giving the child a chance to find his feet in peace so he can, later on, feel confident about sharing his likes.

Letting someone else's theoretical parents set the agenda for your child's choices seems pretty limiting - I'm not sure that a child who is restricted by their parents' fears at 4 will necessarily develop that confidence later on.

That's not teaching fear. It's what someone upthread described as pragmatism, perhaps. Once this very young child is settled in school and both child and parent have the lie of the land somewhat, there will be plenty of opportunities for encouraging him to share and defend his likes. It doesn't have to be 'straight in with a pink coat'.

If I'd talked to my child in the above terms and my child had made it clear they didn't care, or that the coat was more important to them than running that risk, then I would have supported them in that. I have actually had similar moments with my dinosaur-obsessed daughter, who is also quite quiet and can be sensitive. It's gone pretty much like the above - 'are you sure you want XY piece of clothing/kit for school [no uniforms in this country]? Some people have silly ideas about dinosaurs being for boys and they might make silly comments, and that might bother you.' And she's said it's fine and she wants the dinosaur one, so she's had the dinosaur one.

I had all the same thoughts OP.

My DS has always loved pink glittery sparkly things. I did relent on a few things - he had pink trainers and a pink hoody. I didn't buy him the sequinned strappy sandals he liked. I found it so hard to understand and justify my thinking on this, especially as he said that I had told him clothes and toys were just clothes and toys, they don't mean you're a boy or a girl. 🤦🏻‍♀️

If he wanted something pink now I'd get it for him I think. He's 7, he's confident and happy and if someone 'bullied' him for it both he and I would give them short shrift. I feel a bit more confident now.

What about something fairly neutral like this: https://www.trespass.com/oskar-kids-padded-jacket?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=shopping_feed&utm_content=free_google_shopping_clicks&gclid=Cj0KCQjw0bunBhD9ARIsAAZl0E1dxHSmqJru4ZWMhayjcvULorZU2euQsePFxatLgihesVhz9dQ1E2MaAmSDEALw_wcB#color_code=Deep%20Pink&size_legacy=11/12

Mum of small son here. Also consider myself a feminist. Also would have had trouble with a pink coat. So two things here for me.

1. The coat needs to last all winter, right through to spring. By which point he's in school and may have started to go with what the larger group does rather than purely what he likes. Don't know about you but I don't have loads of money for multiple coats, so pink coat fine. But multiple coats when he's decided in a few weeks time he doesn't want to stand out in the playground, not fine.
2. Also - and this one is more tricky, not sure at all I am right here! - I want my kid to express themselves when they are clear and sure in that expression but I also don't want them to unwittingly open themselves up to teasing from other children or adult preconceptions about who they are when they are so little. At four I think you still need to be doing that thinking for them maybe...

So with those two points in mind I would have gone with something that is more of a compromise like the rainbow coat.

Your comment doesn't acknowledge though that colours are gendered; and that we've all assimilated those ideas, to one degree or another. Pink on a girl simply isn't the same, semiotically, as on a boy. On a boy it goes against the grain, and it IS showing the world he's not afraid to be who he is – or, more accurately when kids are as small as this, that his parent isn't afraid for him to be who he is – or at least for him to wear what he likes, which may or may not change over time.

I found the pink coat both my boys wore, I don’t remember anyone ever saying anything except perhaps my mil? It’s been too small for maybe 2 years now and will probably stay there till it fits my 1yo 😂

Which is completely valid and something that I also follow, but maybe in a lesser way.

I just think that those posters who are inferring the OP have made a decision that is in some way harmful to her child's self identity are maybe pinning too much on it.

In the grand scheme of things that restrict our decision making, it's a marginal decision. There is more to self identity than a pink coat.

Sadly, children can be mean, even from a very young age. Rainbow is fine. I think you e done the right thing.

As a teacher I find your comments quite offensive 😡 if a boy in my class turned up in a pink coat, I know that I and my colleagues wouldn’t even bat an eyelid. We have an awareness of the mermaid/pronoun thing, but we’re not going to suddenly traumatise your child over it. What a bloody ridiculous statement to make.

What about something like this:

I linked the same one Nutterjacks 😁 might show it to my DS actually.

For those saying it's important to teach the necessity of confirming to norms, I completely agree with regard to official set uniform etc, or dress code in an office. But casual, unofficial social norms are not the same and shouldn't be used as a reason not to do or wear what you like. I do think there is a fair point about age here, and maybe 4 is a little young for him to manage any "backlash" right from the off but if I did say no to the pink coat I'd say it was for practical reasons rather than anything else.

You might not, your friend might not.

Plenty might, though.

Can't believe in 2023 people are still so backward that they won't buy a coat that their kids likes but because the colour is "girly"

You're doing the right thing. Of course in principle, pink is just a colour and everyone should be able to wear whatever they like. But in the real world, a boy in a pink coat is likely to get teased (or at least questioned) and this will do nothing to help smooth his transition into reception.

I wouldn't have bought my son a pink coat at this age. When they were 3 they both had sparkly pink trainers because none of the the other kids at nursery knew they were from the girls section. At 7, my youngest has spent most of the summer holidays wandering around with massive, sparkly, Pat Butcher style clip on earrings on, because they understand about gender norms now and are confident in their own choices. But 4/5 was the age where they and their peers were starting to sort things into 'girl stuff' and 'boy stuff'. I would worry that after a couple of months he would be refusing to wear the coat because its a girl colour and he doesn't want to be teased.