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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

538 replies

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
FoodFann · 30/08/2023 09:18

This is not okay. We don’t exchange numbers with people of the opposite sex. End of story.

crochetmonkey74 · 30/08/2023 09:23

Also, on these threads you will have loads of "I do this and it's fine "
This bears no resemblance to your story OP.
Your husband doesn't normally do this , that's the issue , plus the fact you're worried about it. I'm guessing you don't worry about lots of other random stuff he does so listen to your inner voice

AmazingSnakeHead · 30/08/2023 09:24

FoodFann · 30/08/2023 09:18

This is not okay. We don’t exchange numbers with people of the opposite sex. End of story.

See, this to me seems way over the top. If it works for you then fine, but I would wonder about why it is that you feel the need to insulate yourself so much from members of the opposite sex. Is it your DP that you don't trust, or yourself?

GuinnessBird · 30/08/2023 09:26

FoodFann · 30/08/2023 09:18

This is not okay. We don’t exchange numbers with people of the opposite sex. End of story.

Fucking hell.

Goodadvice1980 · 30/08/2023 09:27

OP, is there any reason your dh would be looking for a way out of the marriage? If not, yabu.

lavender2023 · 30/08/2023 09:31

i have a male friend who I message back and forth with daily, we mainly talk about politics. Have met in person like once (with DH) as he lives very far away. We are meeting again soon (with DH hopefully but DH's leave isn't approved).

no romance involved whatsoever, however i somehow think if i was a guy, everyone would say that its suspicious.

Janiie · 30/08/2023 09:39

'She’s sending photos of her dog not her tits. Since when does being married preclude you from receiving photos that might be of interest?'

Do you think affairs happen when someone immediately sends photos of their 'tits'? They tend to start innocuously, friendships meeting up without partners. All under the guise of such things innocent dog walks.

Op, there is no way a 23yr old should be in frequent contact with your dh. She's obvs got a crush on him just tell him to delete her number and block her and to open his eyes. Honestly I didn't know who is more stupid him or the 23yr old woman.

swimsong · 30/08/2023 09:41

Emz6103 · 30/08/2023 02:35

Thing is, why is a 23 yr old hanging around and texting your husband? Not normal behaviour for a 23 yr old, normally they're texting their friends and meeting up with male friends not hanging around with a married man to get their dogs together. He must have given her something to make her want to text him and get the dogs together. Strange how she had a puppy and not a grown dog, and they just happened to be in the same area and just happened to start talking about dogs.....sure she didn't get one after they "clicked"? It's not right for a married man to click with another woman and it's certainly not right for a married man to meet another woman twice a week regardless of the reason why. Like I said he must have given her reason to be interested and the whole thing sounds bazar tbh, "oh let's get our dogs together on a play date" and if they clicked over dogs what do they talk about twice a week? Dogs? They must click over something else too so what do they talk about? Work? Married life? He knows you don't like dogs that's why he asked you to come because he knows you won't go. There's three of you in this marriage and all this talk of "you'd really like her" is because he really likes her too. Him telling you he leaves it twelve hours before he texts back is indirectly telling you that there's more than just dogs and furthermore she's on his mind whilst he waiting to text her. I'd get a mate to follow him n see what the crack is, you can't have your husband thinking about, meeting up with and talking, walking and texting another woman. If she wasn't interested she wouldn't be going, she'd be persuing other interests. Either go n see what's going on or send someone else. Don't be wasting your life on a man who's clearly in someone else's. You deserve better.

I was thinking this was going to be a paranoid over-the-top parody post - until I got to the end and it wasn't.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 30/08/2023 09:45

Some of these responses are insane!

I didn’t realise how much more social having a dig would make me.

I would regularly meet up at particular times with other dog walkers and we’d eventually end up swapping numbers.
I got particularly friendly with one man as our dogs were very similar in size and strength compared to the rest of the group, so we would often meet alone.

At work I have everyone’s number and we always text each other random stuff and we meet up for dog walks.
I am very good friends with one colleague in particular as we trained together. We text most days but even though he is good looking there is no attraction either way.

I do think you’re being insecure but I’m not sure why.
Do you have any reasons not to trust him?

She is a 23 y/o who is obsessed with her new dog and her behaviour isn’t inappropriate.
He is older and so not as obsessed with his phone but he’s having boundaries and not texting her too much etc.

Their friendship is not inappropriate.

I do think you should try and work out why it’s making you feel this way.
I’d also think about where your boundaries are, so you are both clear on what line he can’t cross.

TedMullins · 30/08/2023 09:45

Janiie · 30/08/2023 09:39

'She’s sending photos of her dog not her tits. Since when does being married preclude you from receiving photos that might be of interest?'

Do you think affairs happen when someone immediately sends photos of their 'tits'? They tend to start innocuously, friendships meeting up without partners. All under the guise of such things innocent dog walks.

Op, there is no way a 23yr old should be in frequent contact with your dh. She's obvs got a crush on him just tell him to delete her number and block her and to open his eyes. Honestly I didn't know who is more stupid him or the 23yr old woman.

I meet up with many people without my partner and send them photos of stuff that interests us too, so far I’ve managed not to have an affair with anyone…

Fourlegsandatail · 30/08/2023 09:46

I wouldn’t go on one of the walks, that would validate what he is doing which is inexcusable.

I would simply say that it isn’t appropriate that he is in regular contact with a 23 year old woman as it is disrespectful to your relationship and you expect it to stop immediately. If he wants a dog walking buddy he can bloody well find a male one.

I am fine with men and women being friends with colleagues etc but when they ‘click’ with a total stranger, younger and of the opposite sex arguing the most tenuous connection in order to spend time together that is an affair waiting to happen. Nip it in the bud.

Mrsttcno1 · 30/08/2023 09:47

I really don’t understand your argument @Janiie
”There is no way a 23 year old should be in frequent contact” so would a 30 year old woman be okay? A 40 year old woman?

By your argument, regardless of age you deem any friendships without partners (although OP’s DH HAS invited her to join them, she has declined) = an affair starting.

So what you actually mean is, any friendships with someone of the opposite sex unless in a group chat with your partner or a meet up where your partner is stood in the middle of you both is going to end up in an affair ?

Absolute madness honestly 😂

Truemilk · 30/08/2023 09:50

LadyVictoriaSponge · 29/08/2023 23:20

Funny how these men never click with 62 year old Frank and his new puppy.

😂😂

Janiie · 30/08/2023 09:50

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 30/08/2023 09:45

Some of these responses are insane!

I didn’t realise how much more social having a dig would make me.

I would regularly meet up at particular times with other dog walkers and we’d eventually end up swapping numbers.
I got particularly friendly with one man as our dogs were very similar in size and strength compared to the rest of the group, so we would often meet alone.

At work I have everyone’s number and we always text each other random stuff and we meet up for dog walks.
I am very good friends with one colleague in particular as we trained together. We text most days but even though he is good looking there is no attraction either way.

I do think you’re being insecure but I’m not sure why.
Do you have any reasons not to trust him?

She is a 23 y/o who is obsessed with her new dog and her behaviour isn’t inappropriate.
He is older and so not as obsessed with his phone but he’s having boundaries and not texting her too much etc.

Their friendship is not inappropriate.

I do think you should try and work out why it’s making you feel this way.
I’d also think about where your boundaries are, so you are both clear on what line he can’t cross.

Oh stop being so disingenuous.

Of course you can chat to folk when dog walking. I personally manage to do so without swapping numbers and texting as we tend to all walk the same routes so daily meets are inevitable. I wonder why some people are so desperate to be constantly adding to their contacts and in the op's dh's pal's case, message married men.

There's a line that is being overstepped here.

Mikimoto · 30/08/2023 09:52

Hollywolly1 · 30/08/2023 07:38

So you would be happy to have another woman buying gifts for your husband? Okay you are cool or a fool

Show quote history

Wow...gifts from a WOMAN!
Have you NO friends of the opposite sex?
a) that's so sad
b) you are Doris Day and I claim my $5.

Mrsttcno1 · 30/08/2023 09:53

@Itsnotrightbutitsok I completely agree with you! I’m exactly the same with my dog, and the dog walkers around me!

I suspect a lot of the people posting who disagree with us are the same dog walkers I see hurrying around the outskirts of the park dragging their dog round as quickly as possible, who never say “good morning” back to anyone they pass!😂

rookiemere · 30/08/2023 09:53

I trust my DH but that's because he would never stumble unwittingly into a situation like this.

Walking the dogs together occasionally- possibly fine.

Much messaging and buying a birthday present- not so fine.

H delaying responding to messages because he knows she is messaging too much - very interesting, because it shows he knows it has gone beyond boundaries of pals walking dogs.

I'd definitely be joining them to see how the land lies. Hopefully a few joint walks will make everyone realise that whatever this is, it's probably not particularly healthy for anyone in it's current format.

gherkeen · 30/08/2023 09:54

To me at the moment it sounds like she has a silly crush on him and he is too flattered to discourage it. He's kidding himself that waiting 12 hours yo reply makes it appropriate. It's not. Don't let it progress. I'd go on a dog walk and meet her first of all and assess my next move from there.

rookiemere · 30/08/2023 09:55

Oh and ai can't find the post, but when I was in my 20s and 30s I had what I thought were innocent friendships with a few older married men. Looking back I'm not sure how innocent it was on their side, if nothing else I was an ego boost to them.

Janiie · 30/08/2023 09:56

rookiemere · 30/08/2023 09:53

I trust my DH but that's because he would never stumble unwittingly into a situation like this.

Walking the dogs together occasionally- possibly fine.

Much messaging and buying a birthday present- not so fine.

H delaying responding to messages because he knows she is messaging too much - very interesting, because it shows he knows it has gone beyond boundaries of pals walking dogs.

I'd definitely be joining them to see how the land lies. Hopefully a few joint walks will make everyone realise that whatever this is, it's probably not particularly healthy for anyone in it's current format.

Exactly.

The amount of naive posters on this thread is quite staggering.

All seeming to bleat the same thing 'so we can't have fwends then?', err yes but you don't message married people daily, buy them birthday presents and basically act like a desperado.

gherkeen · 30/08/2023 09:56

Mikimoto · 30/08/2023 09:52

Wow...gifts from a WOMAN!
Have you NO friends of the opposite sex?
a) that's so sad
b) you are Doris Day and I claim my $5.

Show quote history

Gifts after knowing him a week though? Seriously.

This isn't a long time colleague or uni friend

Wereeaglesdare · 30/08/2023 09:56

Insist on walking the dog together as some bonding time, if he mentions seeing her say something like oh well i thought we could try taking the dog to this beach/wood/dogpark. Allow no time for them to be together every time he gets up to walk the dog just put ur shoes on and say something like I need to catch up on steps today.

If he comes up with a new hobby quickly I think u have something to worry about. Read her reaction you will most likely be able to tell straight away if she feels off guard. Imagine if you insisted on going on late night swims with a man. Ridiculous. Act fast and put ur foot down. Not appropriate or acceptable.

Aquestioningmind · 30/08/2023 10:01

5128gap · 30/08/2023 09:17

Do you feel the need to deliberately self impose delays of 12 hours before responding to your friends messages? Assuming not, then your situation looks nothing like this one.
I have male friends. The day I felt the need to indulge in game playing with our communication would be the day I asked myself why.
I agree the hatred of the woman is inappropriate. The H needs to stop being such a wet lettuce and either have a normal friendship with the woman without the 12 hour texting nonsense, or if he thinks she's over keen, cut her off.

Show quote history

The OP doesn't say he does it because she's too keen and her DH is trying to let her down...he just says he does it because she replies instantly.

I don't think it's unusual to leave long delays in responding to people who respond almost instantly. If I responded instantly to people who respond instantly I'd never get any work done - we'd forever be caught in a texting chain. A

Bobsledgirl · 30/08/2023 10:02

Dogs don’t need play dates.

You are not unreasonable

Hillarious · 30/08/2023 10:03

diddl · 30/08/2023 07:54

I think that she overstepped with the bday present.

That said-don't you trust him Op?

What was the birthday present? Sexy underpants or a dog toy?

How secure do you feel in your relationship, OP? I was at an event recently, and my DH spent most of the time talking to a 26 year old woman about running - an interest they have in common. DH works from home and is relatively isolated, but I don't think they're about to run off together.