AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

[themadcarter]

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

Why don’t you just go with them? (if you’re working all day, make it a later walk).

Another strong vote here for joining them on their next few walks!! Bring them back down to Earth with a bump!

He's made a friend, it seems innocent enough. Like you said, if she were a he you wouldn't have a problem with it. Perhaps see how you feel after you've been for a walk with them.

Is the young thing happy to spend time with you and your dog?

Agreed.

Guy finally makes a friend, even says ‘you can join us in our walks’ and you hate her and probably go out of your way to be difficult to him.

I (female in my 20s) often walk my dog for part of his walk with a 50 year old man! Simply because both dogs are v. Nervous but managed to bond with each other and it’s lovely seeing my dog have a friend! Hardly going to pull the guy into a bush and have my wicked way with him…

No, this just adds to the head-fuckery. Honestly in situations like this (husband and young woman who’s obviously taken a liking) taking the occasional walk with them would just be later ammo of ‘but you come with us, you see there’s not a problem, you see she’s nice’ and all the gaslighting that comes with it.

Nothing may come out of it but it’s still inappropriate. Like other said it’s amazing how so many men make ‘friends’ with young women and not a pension-aged man. Had a very similar situation with an ex - whilst I’m 99% sure he didn’t cheat, he did get in one of these ‘friendships’, the mentionitis, the starting to jump through hoops to do her a favour, the look on his face when talking about her… it was so disrespectful to live through to be honest. Don’t let it get to that point OP.

Age difference is a bit weird but doesn't mean people can't be friends still. Would also find the gift thing a bit odd.

Sounds to me like your husband is perhaps introvert and friends don't come by often. I'm introvert and would never cheat and I can't put up with cheaters myself. No matter how many times I said my views I lost many women friends over the years due to suspicion from my wife but I would never have done anything even if they tried, was just a friend and I rarely saw them anyway, being introvert.

It may not be your husband is the issue here, you don't know much about her. She could be pursuing but that all depends on your husband, if he is capable of cheating he will find a way and you won't know until it happens.

I personally would probably knock the friendship on the head if it's causing issues but like I found, it didn't matter who that woman was or their age, it just wasn't acceptable and I lost every friend.

You need to ask yourself if the age was different would it bother you and can you trust your husband. If there's no trust... you'll always be doubting.

She's sending photos of her dog ?!

I send dog photos to lots of married friends ... am I a baddie ?! 😂😂😂🚩🚩🚩

I don't think he's cheating or wants to cheat. I think he has made friends with a woman who is a bit lonely and over keen on him.

Just go too, be nice to her and let her see you are a solid couple and he is not available.

I honestly don't see a problem. He's being open and honest with you and where he's going. He's inviting you along. He's wanting you to participate.

When I was that young, I had a similar situation and one reason that I asked for a "dog walk" was for safety so that I wasn't alone walking across fields/canals etc. It was just a bonus that this other person was nice to have a conversation with. I never overstepped boundaries but it was just nice to have someone to talk "dog" with and would understand my questions.

I’m usually pretty laid back, but hanging out loads with a woman 12 years younger? Why is he clicking with the young attractive woman and as others have said not a bloke his age?
I personally wouldn’t want to hang out with a 23 year old, we’re in different phases of life. He finds her attractive for sure.

And it’s not about the dog walking per se, but the present buying and incessant texting.

For me, it wouldn't be the dog walking that I would see as worrying so much as the regular messaging and sending photos.

The fact that your dh already delays answering suggests to me that he recognises the frequent messages could turn in to something and that they make him uncomfortable.

I agree that I would join them on their walk at the last minute and maybe talk to him about his boundaries and more importantly point out to him that her lack of boundaries make you very uncomfortable.

This.

YANBU

Coming at this from two sides here...

On one side, I have been the twenty-something woman becoming good friends with a much older man a couple of times, it's now twenty years later and I'm still very close with them both, a part of their family, honorary auntie to their kids, friends with the wives and so forth. And it's never been anything but innocent, never a hint of flirt in either direction.

On the other side, though...

Those friendships began as a result of volunteering together for quite a protracted period of time, months of shifts together before it grew into stopping off for a coffee at drop off from a shift or whatever, so it was more like work friends that became real friends.

I can't imagine how in one single day of training your DH and this woman hit it off to such an extent the were swapping numbers and wanting to meet up. Plus it's very out of character for him. The dog thing is just weird tbh, it's not that niche is it? When I met friend 1 it was because we were both going through losing a parent at the same time and both did the same voluntary job. Friend two, we bonded over a niche band that I happened to be really into. So there were common interests. As you say, how many people have dogs?

I just wouldn't be cool with DH swapping numbers then texting and meeting up with another woman after one instance of paths crossing frankly, nor is that something I would do with another man. People can have friends but this just has red flags all over it, the friendship hasn't developed normally and I guarantee he's getting a frisson of excitement from this. Would he have swapped numbers with a young man he met at training and been texting him and meeting up? Doubt it.

I’m not much older than her, also have a dog, and I must admit it’s quite common around here to meet up with other dog walkers for walks! Most of the time DH & I walk our dog together, but if he or I was walking our dog alone it wouldn’t be beyond the realms of possibility that we would meet up with one of our friend who also have a dog to walk with! It’s more fun for the dog to have a play mate and dog walks with company, someone to chat to as you walk, are much more pleasant!

Also you say you hate her because “she’s constantly sending photos to a married man” , she’s sending photos of her dog not her tits ? 🤣🤣

And her replying quickly could just be an age thing, as I said I’m not much older than her and I’m also a quick replier, not because I fancy the person but because my phone is usually in/around my hand and as soon as I see the message I’ll reply, I’m not going to hang around for hours to respond for the sake of it.

I can’t really see a huge issue here, he’s even invited you to walk with them?

😂

OP he knows it's dodgy. It's why he's being so 'open' about it. BUT if he really thought it was dodgy or it would affect your marriage, he'd stop doing it. I've been here, and you are not mad, or jealous . It's not normal for him. Trust your instinct. Ask him to scale it back, if he doesn't, you know that this thing that doesn't mean anything actually means more than your wishes. Don't fall for the ' this is control ' BS if you've never normally been controlling.

You either trust your husband or you don't.

If you don't, your marriage is screwed, regardless of what your DH does or doesn't do.

Go on the walk today , see what you think and then have a frank chat. If he defends her and is clear he won't be stopping going , you know she means more to him than he is letting on

I am so shocked at the majority of these responses. He's done nothing wrong and I think it's natural for you to feel a little uneasy about it because it's new for him to be outdoors doing things, but please just go along and meet her. It will either put your mind at ease, or you'll come away with a gut feel and you talk to him about him.

I totally disagree with this. I was the world's most trusting partner my whole life, in every relationship and I was with ex DP until one day, I just knew he was more involved with someone at work. My instinct was pinging over how he spoke of her, his facial expression when he said her name etc I became distrusting, checking his phone etc. It was all true, as I discovered. Trust is essential, but blind trust that makes you dismiss your instincts is dangerous for women. Blind trust in people only works when the other person is honourable enough to validate that trust. Also, both people in a relationship have a responsibility to put it first. This is a threat to their marriage that they need to work through. If he won't, that's a clear message. It's terrible how often mens poor behaviour is normalised and become the problem of women who are 'jealous' or 'controlling' when in fact, the man could just step up and behave better.

Do you feel the need to deliberately self impose delays of 12 hours before responding to your friends messages? Assuming not, then your situation looks nothing like this one.
I have male friends. The day I felt the need to indulge in game playing with our communication would be the day I asked myself why.
I agree the hatred of the woman is inappropriate. The H needs to stop being such a wet lettuce and either have a normal friendship with the woman without the 12 hour texting nonsense, or if he thinks she's over keen, cut her off.

God knows.

I agree with this post.

Lots of people meet others to walk their dogs.

If you are that bothered then walk your dog together. For me and DH dog walking is a joint thing when we can talk and get some exercise.