AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

[themadcarter]

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

@rookiemere me too, I was so innocent and clueless!

A lot of people overlooking context and nuance here. Daily messaging and gift giving is unusual behaviour towards someone you've only just met - really full on. Maybe shes just very lonely. Your husband needs to put her firmly in the dog walking aquaintance zone - stop replying to her daily messages, and tell her he'll maybe see her out and about with the dogs.

Why does he need someone to go on a dog walk with? He’s a man and most likely feels safe. Does he feel he’s helping the young woman? The 23yr old should be walking her dog with friends around her own age. Does she go for walks with others or just with your dh? I would feel concerned if my daughter was out regularly with a man mid 30s, a colleague from work probably higher up could be her boss, to walk her dog. I’d feel it was predatory. We have a dog and we go on walks by ourselves. It’s quiet and I have a tracker and a walking stick to fend off dogs out by themselves or off lead. It just seems strange that they go out twice a week. I’d feel worried as a parent about the man’s intentions, he’s a work colleague too (does he have any control over her at work?) especially if my daughter was emotionally vulnerable. I’d be telling my daughter to contact other friends her own age or to make friends her own age.

The OP says he purposely leaves a 12 hour delay because she responds almost instantly.
Not responding because you're busy isn't 'purposely' delaying 'because' the other person responds instantly, is it? Most people reply as and when it suits them without giving it too great a thought. Imposing deliberate delays in responding to a casual friend is odd behaviour.

Why does he need someone to go on a dog walk with?

He doesn't "need" to, he wants to. He walks with her about once a week? Leaving the other 13+ walks as solo.

Honestly, if a woman posted about feeling isolated, her husband uninterested in her dog and wouldn't come on walks with her but a friendly male colleague wanted to meet up occasionally but her husband forbad it then it would be "he's controlling" "red flags" etc.

It's completely impossible to tell from OP's posts whether this is ordinary friendliness or an affair in the making but some posters are so certain he's working up to infidelity it's laughable.

It is odd, my DH would never just accept someone’s phone number like that, he’d know I’d find it uncomfortable and to be honest he’d also be uncomfortable if I took so younger man’s phone number to meet up on dog walks, it would definitely raise some eyebrows!

The trust issue for me would be that the OP clearly doesn’t like it and has asked him to stop, and he hasn’t. This woman texts him with dog pictures constantly and even bought him a birthday gift. She clearly likes him and he’s enjoying the attention enough to disregard OP’s feelings. That would ring alarm bells for me.

This!

Aim to tag along at the last minute. Watch to see if he texts her that you're coming. Ideally she wont know and her face when you appear will speak volumes.

Mostly, the amount of texts, the amount of walks and the birthday gift paint this as more than platonic on her part.

Also, he has a responsibility to behave respectfully to you and failing to discourage inappropriate attention is disrespectful, even if he never plans to take anything further.

Your relationship was screwed because your exDP was a cheating arsehole, not because you trusted him.

But, if you don't have trust, you don't have a decent functioning relationship, regardless as of whether one partner cheats or not.

You can't "work through" thinking (rightly or wrongly) that your partner is going to cheat. It's game over for the relationship. No-one should be with someone who they think would cheat on them.

Yup, this.

Do you even need to ask @themadcarter ??? Of course it's odd - and weird - and unacceptable. I bet he wouldn't want to walk with a 23 y.o. young man!

35-ish is the age that (some) married men suddenly seem to start having female friends (often quite a bit younger.) Because they 'can't help it if they get on well with women.' And with some men, as he gets older, the women don't get older, and the age gaps get bigger. It's almost always women in their 20s. What these women see in these men just eludes me.

Thing is, they are only seeing their best side. The charmer that they present as. They're not seeing the grumpy, passive-aggressive, arsey, bone idle twat (who comes home like a bear with a sore head from work half the time,) that the wives see every fucking day. Oh and God forbid his wife gets friendly with another man though.

Nip it in the bud now. Tell him he stops walking with her, or the marriage ends NOW.

Usual story of a man approaching middle age, getting past his peak, who is a bit lonely and bored, getting his head turned by a young woman showing him a bit of attention.
The fact he's had to put his own rules in place around replying to her is a bit of a red flag tbh. It shows he's realised that there's a bit of a problem, but he hasn't got the balls/interest to actually cut her off. He likes the attention, but knows YOU wouldn't like it, hence the 12-hour rule.

Maybe you should arrange to tag along unexpectedly on these dog walks? His reaction to a "oh, wait a second, I'll just pop my shoes on and come with you both!" will show you if you've actually got something to be worried about.

Or maybe I just expect more respect in my relationship and all that

The more I think about this, the more I say go on a walk with them.

Wait until he stops to pick up a poo and pull her aside. "He is a married man, I'm his wife. You need to fuck all the way off." Presumably you're also about 35, so a good chunk older than this whippersnapper. Be a bit scary. If you can't go on the walk, get her number. Should be easy as he's oh-so-open about what's happening.

People will be a bit "oh no! don't do that! It's a him problem, not a her problem!" Sorry, but no. I feel like a lot of these situations I read on Mumsnet could really benefit from a bit of straight talking. Call a spade a spade. This 23yo might be too young and naive to realise she's stomping on someones relationship - SO TELL HER.

@zingally

Maybe you should arrange to tag along unexpectedly on these dog walks? His reaction to a "oh, wait a second, I'll just pop my shoes on and come with you both!" will show you if you've actually got something to be worried about.

Yeah, a few people have suggested this, and whilst it doesn't seem like a BAD idea, I don't think it will stop an affair. It will probably fuel it, and make them excited that they're hiding in plain sight.

Also, the DH will just let the OP to go on the dog walk with him and the young woman, and then he will just meet her somewhere else, some other time. If people want to have an affair, nothing will stop them, and certainly not little traps and games set by the partner. They will just dodge them, and meet up/contact each other secretly.

I have a dog and chat to other dog walkers. You donfall into conversation with other dog walkers, that’s natural. However, I have never shared phone numbers, given birthday presents etc - how does the topic of birthdays even come up.

Maybe they both are flattered by each others attention, and ‘it’s only dog walking’, it’s seen as platonic. However, dh needs to be made aware of what he’s walking into. You spidering sense# are picking up on this crush.

Definitely gatecrash the walks, but don’t say you’re going until last minute. If you give warning, he has time to text her.

'Wait until he stops to pick up a poo and pull her aside. "He is a married man, I'm his wife. You need to fuck all the way off.'

God don't do that .

Just chat, kill her with kindness and she'll see he is infact happily married and maybe set her desperate sights elsewhere.

Yep this. ^ Didn't take long for one of the cool wives to turn up did it?!

Nope, not normal.

If he doesn't like her (which who knows!), she definitely 'like' likes him. Tell him it's not normal and has to stop.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Have you asked him if he is happy about making his (hopefully) beloved wife feel uncomfortable?

Absolutely tag along. My exhusband had to go into the office suddenly one Saturday. MIL was having the children so I spontaneously said I would go with him and we could have lunch in the cafe next door when he'd finished. It was 27 years ago so no mobiles and the home phone was in the main room so he couldn't warn her. He belted from the car park to the office building so fast you would think a giant hornet had stung his bare arse and said ,a little too loudly, "Angelina has come today ". The face of the 17 year old female colleague who ,despite being on minimum wage, was apparently doing important work on a Saturday ( office closed at weekends) told me all I needed to know. It was the most utterly awkward thing I have ever experienced. It also broke my heart. Hey ho

I agree with this. Show her what fun you are and what a great relationship you have with your DH. Wear something stylish but not so it looks as if you've gone to a lot of trouble. Be friendly to her and talk about "we" and "us" a lot (we like doing this .. etc.). Hopefully she'll get the message that he's taken and will back off.

This would be easily solved if you met her.

You forgot the bit about your husband would be fine with you chatting and walking with a man twice a week and texting you and sending pictures of his dog to you and buying and buying you birthday gifts.......lol he'd need to be a mug to allow all that! And you'd have to be an arsehole to expect him to be happy with it

OP, I have seen many posts like this on here. They never, ever end well. The OP normally comes back to update in a couple of months or so, having found out that yes, there was something going on.

And I would do as lots of people have suggested - go on a walk with them but only 'decide' at the last minute, as he is actually about to go out. His reaction and his behaviour around her should tell you all you need to know.

Trust your gut.
And ignore the cool fools on here.
Good luck.