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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

538 replies

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
McYummy · 31/08/2023 19:03

Dog friends are a thing. My DH has "bonded" with a few. His normal type is scruffy, dandruff-covered, white-haired, retired old men though 😂- they geek out about music, football and dogs together. It's all very casual - very little texting or communication outside of "heading to the park around 4 today will you be around?" - If that, normally they just find themselves on the same dog walking schedule and meet up by chance a few times each week. If he found himself a 23yr old woman dog friend, I'd definitely want to meet her to understand what the attraction was (on both sides). Don't just go on one walk. Go on at least 3. Then assess what is going on. Dog dates are generally not for the dogs benefit, they're for the people.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 31/08/2023 19:04

EinyLinky · 31/08/2023 18:52

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer where did I say I went to his house to give him the gift? 😂 I have been around his place, separate to that. I don't need to stop and no, I didn't start it. We are friends and that's that, not every woman is as insecure as you are lol

Doesn't buy YOU anything though does he? Wink I think you are the insecure one, having this need to buy a male married colleague gifts to make him like you. And why on earth are you going around this male colleague's FAMILY home? I bet he never comes to yours. As I said, you sound like the insecure one, as well as needy and attention seeking.

Judging by your multiple defensive responses to me, it sounds like I touched a nerve. Wink I'll leave you to it. You sound angry and defensive. As I said, sounds like I touched a nerve eh? Wink

incywincyspidery · 31/08/2023 19:05

I don't think him walking the dog with a 23 year old is weird. My DD is nearly 23 and has plenty of friends in their 30s and older. Male and female.

I do think this particular 23 year old sounds like a bit of a bunny boiler though and your DH should run very fast in the opposite direction.

2catsandhappy · 31/08/2023 19:07

If you are suspicious @themadcarter , you could go to the dog meet place before your dh. Wait and see how they greet each other. If it is a simple wave and a hello, you could leave them to it, no harm done.
Or last minute, take him up on his offer of a dog walk and you know your dh best, so will see his reaction. Shock and guilt or chuffed.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 31/08/2023 19:07

incywincyspidery · 31/08/2023 19:05

I don't think him walking the dog with a 23 year old is weird. My DD is nearly 23 and has plenty of friends in their 30s and older. Male and female.

I do think this particular 23 year old sounds like a bit of a bunny boiler though and your DH should run very fast in the opposite direction.

Agree. The OP's husband's young female dog walker 'friend' sounds like a desperate, attention-seeking bunny boiler, after another woman's man.

LOL, why can't these women find their own man? 😆

And buying gifts for him? LOL so weird and needy! (As well as desperate!)

It's SO odd for a single woman to buy gifts for married men. He's not your man hun! Find your own! Wink

EinyLinky · 31/08/2023 19:08

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer nah just so many questions you can't answer. Can single people not be friends with couples/families either (another question you can't answer as you know it sounds pathetic)

Comedycook · 31/08/2023 19:11

I reckon a month tops before they'll be shagging

SunsetOverParadise · 31/08/2023 19:12

sidarisally · 30/08/2023 07:07

OP, I think they've stepped into that grey area - that space where nothing has happened (yet) and one that can be explained as 'it's just a dog walk, ffs'. It makes it harder to explain your sense of unease to him as on the surface it all sounds reasonable and innocent. They will even possibly believe this themselves as it's being done so publicly. They're intentionally being self-delusional in occupying this space.

Except it's not all innocent and reasonable, is it? It's that grey area where marriage boundaries (or at least your feelings) aren't being respected. At the least, they're being sidelined. What's more, moving into that grey area allows things to more likely happen.

See, the problem with such ambiguous grey spaces is that by the time they can be seen as unambiguously shagging opportunities, it's too late. The deed will have been done.

I have had similar experiences with a partner. He was overly liking and commenting on every tweet a young female made. There was a difference of over 20 years in age between them. I raised it. The reply was 'it's just a tweet/like, etc. That's how the platform works' ('it's just a dog walk, ffs'). My response was 'Yes, but how many other 40 year olds are doing the same with this 19 year old young woman's posts?' Er ... none.

In the end, I highlighted how it could be giving the wrong impression to her, how emotionally vulnerable she presented, and that he had a responsibility, as an older person, not to encourage this. That seemed to work. It stopped.

Given your partner has already highlighted her emotional neediness as a potential issue, I wonder if you could talk to him about how she seems to be increasingly reliant on him to attend to this; that it's dodgy ground for him to walk; that, to others, it looks a tad, odd, and that you really aren't happy about the whole situation? Just let him know that people have asked you who that young woman is that he's regularly seen walking with? And that when you explain, they raise an eyebrow. Then leave it there. Hanging. Leave him to self-reflect. If he continues, do the same again, a week later.

The best scenario is where he himself comes to realise that he's acting like a stupid dick and stops of his own accord. You can't force him to stop seeing her and you wouldn't want to be cast in that role either, if not because it opens the way for him behaving in exactly the same way in future as he has no motivation to change.

Not read the full thread yet but this is such a brilliant post that I had to comment on it. You are so spot on. There is no obvious ‘this has happened’ in this situation, but there’s enough ambiguity that any reasonable person should be reflecting on where this could end up being. Grass grows where you water.

For me, the alarms bells are sounding at his ‘taking 12 hours to reply’ thing. If it was innocent and there was no chemistry or feelings or possible crushes to deal with, why would he have this rule? I don’t think ‘oh, I need to wait 12 hours to text my friend’.

He is overthinking it, and telling OP about it loud and clear.

LaDamaDeElche · 31/08/2023 19:13

Ignore some of the comments on here OP trying to make you look insecure/questioning your relationship. Affairs often start by people spending time alone together. Obviously not everyone who spends time alone together has an affair, but people who find each other attractive generally flirt and have a different type of conversation than when it’s purely platonic. Also, people who are in a happy, committed relationship also cheat. That’s why the relationship board is full of people actually floored by their previously loving spouse doing this.

I don’t seek out friendships with married men. I have and do, of course, have friendships with married men. I don’t text them in the way you’re describing, or spend time one on one (apart from friends I’ve had for years) because I know that their wives wouldn’t be happy with this and for most rational people it wouldn’t be considered appropriate. I also wouldn’t spend time one on one with a fit, young guy I just met and had chemistry with, as it would be disrespectful to DP. Most people just don’t do this, not because they’re jealous/insecure/have no trust etc, but because they have respect for their partners feelings. The cool wives and the pick me’s can do what they like, but they are very much in the minority. Ask on a male forum in a role reversal scenario and you’d get an overwhelming “fuck no!” response, guaranteed.

Scotslass171 · 31/08/2023 19:14

Have you met her? As maybe not having seen her your imagination is going wild. Maybe have chat with her?

MrsLighthouse · 31/08/2023 19:18

He is getting a massive ego stroking …she’s got a crush on him and probably laughs at all his jokes . Marriages can break up over this crap. YANBU. I wouldn’t be happy 😒

Brokeandold · 31/08/2023 19:18

I’m not a dog owner, but my gut reaction (which is my main decision maker) is there’s something going on here. Definitely the 23 yr old is trying hard to keep his attention, not appropriate, he probably loves the attention from her, what bloke wouldn’t ,
Time to have a serious conversation with him, he needs to stop meeting her and pay you a lot of attention.
YANBU

Fluffmum · 31/08/2023 19:21

I think she naive and he’s leading her on. He could be saying any crap on their walks

momonpurpose · 31/08/2023 19:31

RenoDakota · 31/08/2023 10:36

The cat one is now in The Mirror as well.

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Lord she must be thrilled lol

Pres11 · 31/08/2023 19:33

I would not be happy if this was my husband. Them not meeting up in secret is to make them feel better. It’s not acceptable whatsoever.

Tally00 · 31/08/2023 19:35

My dh knows exactly how I'd react so wouldn't even entertain the idea of giving another woman his phone number let alone let it get as far as replying to texts and actually meeting up with the expectation of coming back home afterwards.

Trishthedish · 31/08/2023 19:39

Honestly, husband makes a new friend through dog walking, who happens to be female. Get a grip.

CauliflowerBalti · 31/08/2023 19:40

Your husband sounds genuine and honest. She sounds like a bunny boiler.

Your husband also sounds a bit lonely. Why don’t you start walking the dog with him after work?

I’d go for a walk with them. But I wouldn’t play games and go spur of the moment to try and catch them out. Just be grown up. Make a date. See what happens. I expect she will cancel. But. Just see.

FWIW I would hate it too. You are not BU. But your husband seems to have only doggy intentions. So what can you do? You can’t dictate who he hangs out with unless you have reason not to trust him. Even then, it’s dodgy.

Comedycook · 31/08/2023 19:42

Trishthedish · 31/08/2023 19:39

Honestly, husband makes a new friend through dog walking, who happens to be female. Get a grip.

Bet he wouldn't have "made friends" with 60 year old Eileen who was walking her poodle!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/08/2023 19:46

Comedycook · 31/08/2023 19:42

Bet he wouldn't have "made friends" with 60 year old Eileen who was walking her poodle!

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My husband would. He can make friends in an empty room. He's not fussed about people's age or sex. If he likes talking to them, if they're interesting, he will.

isadoradancing123 · 31/08/2023 19:48

Definite alarms ringing

MummyRuns · 31/08/2023 19:49

Why assume she has a crush on him?Maybe it’s a strategic career move on her part - befriend the man (presumably) in a more senior position. Might be a helpful ally at work

Freddie28 · 31/08/2023 19:52

Who the hell buys a birthday gift for someone they meet to walk their dogs?

Especially after a week of knowing them after one dog walk.

Gagaandgag · 31/08/2023 19:52

You could observe them from a distance?!

tzb · 31/08/2023 20:00

You should go and meet her , and create a group chat for puppy photos. Then tell your hubby that you will take the dog to doggy meet ups from now on. If it is just for dogs sake, he should be very happy 😂