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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it is odd that DH has started dog walking with a 23 year old?

538 replies

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:10

I'm honestly hoping for people to tell me I am being absolutely delusional and insecure, I can assure you I am actively not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing and hence I have come here for a reality check on how others would actually see it, as it's very easy to think all kinds of things in your head.

DH is 35 and I admit, usually quite an isolated man. He works from home and does have very few friends and hobbies. He has wanted a dog his whole life and I admit that I am not a huge animal person, I do love our dog but DH does do almost it all, especially as he is the one at home (I work full time out the house). He had to go for an in person workshop a few months ago and there was an icebreaker challenge (I'm honestly shocked they still do this!) and this 23 year old mentioned her new puppy (hers was only about 13 weeks and ours 8 months at this time) and apparently they clicked over the dogs?? Not trying to be a downer here, but surely owning a dog isn't that rare, I am friends with about 8 people that have dogs. I instantly found it rather childish when he was telling me but this woman ended up giving her number to him at the end of the day. DH tells me how he told her how much me and her would get along and tried to say as much as he could to me to make it sound so obviously nothing more than friends but I just got the impression he had a bit of chemistry there.

Anyway, don't want to go on for pages and pages with every little detail. Basically he did text her and they arranged a play date for the dogs, the messages to seem very innocent and he would always tell me and it didn't seem like he was telling me for any weird motive and was just out of excitement (don't want to shit on his cereal, but I'm really not getting it and never have). She then got him a birthday present only a week later and now they meet up twice a week every week to walk the dogs... he's very open about it with me and is never trying to act secretive but it really rubs me up the wrong way, I think I must have issues because seriously, him even saying her name makes me cringe. Am I just massively insecure?? I simply don't like it, she sounds a bit obsessive with him and DH has said how he does purposely leave a minimum 12 hour delay before responding to her because she replies almost instantly and constantly sends him pictures of her dog, I said to him just tell her to stop and he really just says "no I don't mind her doing it if she wants to" so then I ask why he delays replying and he says because he just doesn't want the expectation of him just being there to respond all day.

Seriously I hate the whole thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
RenoDakota · 31/08/2023 10:36

momonpurpose · 31/08/2023 02:55

I bet the ham in the vents cat lady is furious this is in the mirror and she still isn't

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The cat one is now in The Mirror as well.

RagzRebooted · 31/08/2023 13:55

Chersfrozenface · 29/08/2023 23:39

I've never bought a colleague a birthday gift in my life

Signed the office card, yes. Contributed towards a cake, occasionally. Bought a gift, never.

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I bought one of my colleagues a present once. I do have a little bit of a crush on him, actually (though he's old enough to be my Dad!).

DeeCeeCherry · 31/08/2023 14:14

I'd go along next time but not announce that until just before he's heading out of the door. I bet it'd be awkward. As for anyone who thinks you're insecure fuck 'em, you don't have to prove 'security points' for anybody. You need to know the score. If he wants to mess around then he doesn't get to do that and stay married to you. Simple.

Vinomummyinlockdown · 31/08/2023 17:51

Join those walks!! It’ll be fascinating - she won’t like it one bit I’d bet - and you can judge for yourself what’s going on here

Margerine78 · 31/08/2023 18:02

Usually alarm bells would ring but as a new dog owner I have swapped numbers with three men (and two women) so we can meet up to dog walk, nothing remotely sexual on my part at all with the men and I am pretty sure vice versa as I have good instinct for this stuff. Its purely a bond over our love of dogs and a chance for our dogs to have socialision time together. No different to parents hanging out so their kids can play together.

Ladybirdg1984 · 31/08/2023 18:05

Would you be bothered if it was a bloke? A 23 year old bloke? A 35 year old woman? A older person? If the dogs were kids?

What exactly is the chemistry these two have? How is that different to two friends that share similar interests?

Do you not trust DH? Until you've witnessed what they are like together on the walk, I think you'll continue to speculate different scenarios.

toxic44 · 31/08/2023 18:09

Go on the walks with him so she can see you and you're no longer just a vague image off-stage. If you're always absent, you don't exist in her eyes and he is fair game. Men are like doorknobs; their heads are easily turned. A good approach is how happy you are to meet her and your husband has told you ALL about her. Tinkly little laugh.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/08/2023 18:14

stevalnamechanger · 30/08/2023 00:24

I also have a collection of other batshit people I walk with 😂, very eccentric mix of people I've met out

Me too! Some are female and within 10 years of my age, either way. Some are men, around my age, slightly older and one or two really lovely men in their 90s who I sit on the bench and chat to on the warmer days. Hubby doesn't care a bit, walk the same few routes regularly, meet the same people regularly.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/08/2023 18:17

BashCandicoot · 30/08/2023 00:52

I would not allow this at all.

I love people who think they are able to "let" or "allow" their partners to do things. They can do what they like. It's upto you to either trust them or not, and if its not then it's not the right relationship.

my82my · 31/08/2023 18:17

Does she message on WhatsApp? Tell him to add you to the chat.. say you want to be more involved with the dog and go on the walk.
I am normally in the men and women can have friendships with the opposite sex.. I do but this sounds odd. The birthday present is weird.

Mumof3confused · 31/08/2023 18:21

Been there, done that, got the divorce. He might genuinely not realise or believe it but he is playing with fire.

NeedsAGreenCardForFantasyLand · 31/08/2023 18:22

My now ex-husband was very open about running with his female running partner until they started having an affair. Have him end it.

Lilibert456 · 31/08/2023 18:24

You need to start regularly walking the dog and definitely go on the next walk but say nothing until he is going out the door. You will know from her reaction what is going on. Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if going over old ground.

tolerable · 31/08/2023 18:27

have you said ANY of this to him?

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 31/08/2023 18:31

EinyLinky · 30/08/2023 17:22

I've been around his place when dropping home and have met her/his kids and it's never seemed to have come up as an issue 😵‍💫 maybe I'm completely delusional and actually she is posting on forums about me 😂 I'm not after him whatsoever lol... genuinely didn't even think of it coming up as an issue until now. Sometimes there's even "x" put at the end of text messages by BOTH of us 😱 we don't text much mind

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@EinyLinky

Yeah you need to stop. A single woman buying gifts for her married male work colleague is just weird, and texting back and forth and posting x at the end of the texts is just a no no. His wife will not like it, and neither would you if you were her.

She is probably pissed off, but if he knows or suspects she is, he won't care, as men love it when their wives are insecure and jealous about other women paying their man attention. Feeds their ego, and allows them to puff out their big manly chest. It's up to YOU to stop this. (I am willing to bet you started it!)

Also, I'm gonna call this now, I bet he doesn't buy YOU gifts... You will of course now say that he does, but he doesn't. Wink

Also a bit weird that you go to his house to give him his gifts, in front of his wife and kids. Why are you not giving them to him at work? I am questioning your motives to be honest.

Rachand23 · 31/08/2023 18:34

Follow them ….. save you time, if you go with him they will act all innocent. This way you can see how “innocent” they are. You can then decide if anything is needed.

SeahorsesRock · 31/08/2023 18:43

themadcarter · 29/08/2023 23:22

That's the thing, I can't tell if it's just her pursuing him especially because he does delay his replies and it is her asking for the next day they are going but he always arranges the day with her. Does always tell me to come along too because "i would get on really well with her" I think fucking not, I already dislike her 😠

I would go once, smile sweetly and tell her to jog on and find another husband to fawn over...

EinyLinky · 31/08/2023 18:52

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer where did I say I went to his house to give him the gift? 😂 I have been around his place, separate to that. I don't need to stop and no, I didn't start it. We are friends and that's that, not every woman is as insecure as you are lol

Hollis1967 · 31/08/2023 18:53

Tell him to tell her to stop texting him all day. If she's obsessive about it she probably is not in it just to walk the dogs.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 31/08/2023 18:56

SeahorsesRock · 31/08/2023 18:43

I would go once, smile sweetly and tell her to jog on and find another husband to fawn over...

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Hmm yeah it would be tempting to do this. Funny isn't it - how it's almost always single women who show an interest in male colleagues and buy them gifts? You don't see married women doing this. (Not in my world anyway!)

These single women are clearly interested in the men, and don't give a shit about the feelings of his wife, and how hurt and upset it will be making her. The man (as I said) will be loving the attention, so he won't stop it even though it will be upsetting his wife. (Because that's what men are like.) He will be revelling in the lovebombing and attention and gifts from the single female work colleague. As I said though, in most cases, he won't be buying her anything!

EinyLinky · 31/08/2023 18:56

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer and tbh, the way you talk about all men is so typical of someone with your insecure mindset. You are the problem. I don't value anyone who stereotypes how you do. Grim

LaDamaDeElche · 31/08/2023 18:57

Mari9999 · 30/08/2023 00:05

The man found someone locally who was interested and available to take part in doggy play dates. He didn't place an order , he simply accepted the person who was available and interested. Had a 70 year old female expressed interest and availability he would probably have gone that route.

If your marriage is endanger or threatened by this relationship, maybe your relationship was not very solid to begin with. Perhaps he should place an add saying "elderly unattractive senior citizens are needing as dog walking companions." must pass the wife's sniff test.,"

Such a pick me comment 🙄

Grandmanetty · 31/08/2023 18:58

I suggest you take him up on the offer to go with them so she sees you are a happy couple . After a few of times she might get the message and back off. It does seem as if she is the one pushing this friendship but he is obviously liking the attention.

EinyLinky · 31/08/2023 18:59

@PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer also, I'm bi, should I not buy for my best friend who is in a gay relationship? Bizarre insecurities

KarenandFour · 31/08/2023 19:03

Hmm I wouldn’t like that either and your reaction is your gut instinct kicking in

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