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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
whitebreadjamsandwich · 29/08/2023 17:27

No. He sounds like an abusive twat

LastNightAPandaSavedMyLife · 29/08/2023 17:28

He’s a controlling arsehole. You are entitled to time to yourself.

TheChippendenSpook · 29/08/2023 17:28

He's an abusive dick. Go out with your friend, he's not your boss.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/08/2023 17:29

Oh, he sounds a right charmer.

If you left him, he'd have to pay maintenance and you'd be able to sort childcare and go out whenever you wanted, you know.

TokyoSushi · 29/08/2023 17:29

Oh my, he's awful.

Ponkle · 29/08/2023 17:29

It's not you and you're not wrong. Does he have any positive attributes? Telling you to get it through 'your thick skull' is just plain nasty and abusive 😔

DustyLee123 · 29/08/2023 17:29

What a twat. Kick his arse out the house.

GingerIsBest · 29/08/2023 17:29

Well, it irritates me a great deal when DH, who is part time around childcare arrangements asks me, self employed, main breadwinner, assumes I can do childcare any old time because I'm working from home. So from that perspective, I see your DH's point.

HOWEVER, when I am less busy I wouldn't think twice about being on childcare duties if I didn't have a lot of work and he wanted to do something. So from that perspective he's being a complete dickhead.

The really big question though is even if you accept that 9-5, Mon-Friday is his "work time" what happens outside of that? Because based on the way you wrote your OP, I'm guessing you don't get the option to go out with a friend on a Saturday or hit a gym class on a Wednesday night?

TomatoSandwiches · 29/08/2023 17:29

Get up early and leave him to it, take your day, he is an abusive, controlling twat.

momtoboys · 29/08/2023 17:31

He was "Ok" with you going to the cinema in JUNE? Well, that was so nice of him. What a knob.

ConnieTucker · 29/08/2023 17:31

If be going out every day at 5pm and coming home for bed. He is an arsehole. And every weekend. And be planning your escape.

what was your career before giving it up to be his maid? Go back to it.

and, just to reiterate, he is an arsehole.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 29/08/2023 17:32

Why do I suspect that this is the latest in a long line of cuntery by DH….

InOffice · 29/08/2023 17:32

I don't you should expect to go out while he's working. I think his golf and drinks are work if they're with clients - this was the worst part of my job when I had to entertain clients.

Obviously he should be more respectful in his language, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a SAHM to have the children during his working day.

Dolores87 · 29/08/2023 17:32

This is coercive control. He is an abuser. You should leave him.

LlynTegid · 29/08/2023 17:32

It's him. Sad you had to ask.

LimeCheesecake · 29/08/2023 17:32

Ok, so he works Monday - Friday unless he takes a day leave. But you also work Monday - Friday caring for your dcs and only get a day off if he takes leave for that. So as his leave has to cover you both, he needs to allocate you half time he takes off work. Or pay for childcare so you get time off.

but given how he spoke to you, I’d be looking for a job.

DustyLee123 · 29/08/2023 17:32

Is the hobby golf or cycling by any chance ?

Cherrysoup · 29/08/2023 17:33

He sounds extremely controlling. Has he isolated you from your family too?

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 29/08/2023 17:33

Come on, OP, you know that SAHM does not mean 24 hour sole carer.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

This is the bit that worries me - not so much the Mon-Fri work hours stuff as actually I have never asked DH to look after DS while working unless I had something like the dentist.

longwayoff · 29/08/2023 17:34

Another frog. What an utter twunt. Take all advice you're given on here OP.

LastNightAPandaSavedMyLife · 29/08/2023 17:35

The really big question though is even if you accept that 9-5, Mon-Friday is his "work time" what happens outside of that? Because based on the way you wrote your OP, I'm guessing you don't get the option to go out with a friend on a Saturday or hit a gym class on a Wednesday night?

Nailed it.

BCBird · 29/08/2023 17:36

Patronising prick. Controlling c*not. Abusive arsehole. I could go on. Don't let him.get away with this

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 29/08/2023 17:36

He's a pig, leave him and get a job where you actually get paid and have time off. He can look after his children by himself for a change.

ByeByeMr · 29/08/2023 17:36

He is seriously taking the piss. I'm fed up of reading threads like this. Sorry OP.

MiraculousLadybird · 29/08/2023 17:37

Get it through your thick skull?

Nope. Nope. Nope. Regardless of the work hours bullshittery do not tolerate being spoken to like that.