DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

[rippedjeansniceshoes]

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

I would suggest paying for childcare one day a week so you can also have some time to yourself!

Why did you have kids with this tw*t???

Was about to post something similar. Wtf's going on, have we regressed?

Tell him you need him to pay for one’s days childcare for all the kids and to get it through his “thick skull” that you need some time for yourself in order to not have a mental breakdown and/or selfishly consider divorcing him.

His ‘thick skull’ comment says it all. How dare he!

Abusive prick.

Get back into work. Put your children in childcare.

Divorce him and take half.

You deserve at least EOW to yourself.

Well gosh, isn't he just the biggest arsehole going?
Utterly selfish. How revolting.

Sorry I am reading all of your responses and trying to reply.
My husbands business honestly takes care of itself. My friends often say they 'wish they had my DH's life'
No I don't have any access to family money, he pays me an 'allowance' every month.
I have Mum friends.
I have family, well my Mum, she echo's a lot of what you say but she isn't in a position to help me as such, just a listening ear.

I am currently upstairs in the bedroom as he has finished work for the day (came out of his office/man-cave)
He sometimes gives me an hour to unwind after being Mum all day with the kids... before the bedtime routine starts.

He says this hour alone in the bedroom is my 'child free time' and I should be grateful as not many DH's do this after work? I said I would like to get out of the house and 'alone time' upstairs isn't the same?

I'm so confused.

I can't really go out in an evening. I get the children to sleep and they really 'play up' when I am not here (DHs words, not mine)

Thank you for everyone's kind words so far. After my 'alone time' upstairs I will try and have a chat with him... again...

But the OP didn't book it during his golf time? She booked a lunch at a time she knew he wasn't playing golf and he told her she needed to get it through her thick skull he wasn't looking after his children.

What do you understand that as? Because I understand it meaning he's an abusive controlling arsehole

I wouldn't be at all grateful. I'd expect to be regarded and treated as an adult, an equal and someone to show respect to. He'd hate being married to me.

OP only you know how long you’re willing to put up with this crap for. Imagine this was your daughter in years to come, what would you tell her to do?

I read a lot of replies on here to things and people seem quick to suggest leaving the other person as a way of resolving things. In this case - I really feel you deserve better and unless he is going to be willing and able to change - I think leaving the situation is probably going to be the only way to do it.

I would start by getting some advice - getting support and having a plan of what to do and when you are going to do it. Then, when you put it into practise - he will be able to get it into his 'thick head' you mean it.

He is supposed to be your husband and partner.

Sounds like he’s got himself a live in housekeeper/nanny that doesn’t need to be paid.

He’s a controlling, abusive know. Your life would be significantly better without him in it. Please call Womens Aid.

You're being financially abused as well then.

An 'allowance' and a literal hour which youre apparently unable to leave the house for- how generous.

Why does he call all the shots? He decides about your access to money, your access to time.

You deserve better.

I bet he doesn't want you to work either?

You might meet someone and fuck them, which is why he doesn't want you going out alone - nothing to do with not wanting to watch the kids.

You are basically a prisoner. Another chat with him will not help. He likes his life just fine exactly how it is.

The financial abuse is part of his control.

My mums (thankfully ex) used to say stuff like ‘get it through your thick skull’

I vowed that is anyone ever said that to me I would leave immediately.

Its a vile way to speak to someone

Divorce him and take half his business.

Why did he want children if he can't stand to be around them?

How can you bear to open your legs for him?

well for one thing, he needs to learn how to parent them so they dont 'play up'

and the more he does it, the more adept he will become.

You should have access to family money, not an allowance. I bet its meagre too.

Is this big bollocks business paying into your pension. It would be a sensible thing for it to be doing, while you are home, looking after the kids, as there are plenty good tax breaks for that.

Did you work before?

I know millions of golfers and they're all entitled cunts. Your husband is no different

OP - what happens at the weekends? Is he home with you? Do you do things as a family? Is he hands on?

What happens if you want to pop to the shop to grab something? What happens if you have a hair appointment?

Christ he sounds like a knob

1. He should be able to take annual leave.
2. That is an awful way to speak to you. Please keep safe.

Because it keeps OP vulnerable and less likely/able to leave him.
They are tools designed to control her, he doesn't care about them but he knows she does.

He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

😂

And the verbal abuse isn't good.