DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

[rippedjeansniceshoes]

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

I bet she isnt allowed a hair appointment.

🥺 oh OP, I think you know this isn’t right. It’s abusive. What would he do if you just went out anyways and left the kids with him?

Divorce him. Take the children. Take 50% of the business and any savings plus maintenance. He is abusing his financial position and by cancelling your plans you at enabling his bullying. It won't get better.

I can't believe there are still people out there with the sheer audacity to carry on like this...like some sort of keeper, or jailer...while thinking themselves just peachy. How do they not creep themselves the fuck out being so repugnant?

He's abusing you. He controls you. He controls the money. You can't go out and you have an allowance. Fuck that. Do you have any access money like bank card for good shopping? I think you need to start working on am exit plan. Talk to Womans Aid.

Your chat with him needs to be you putting your foot down about being treated as an equal adult who is in partnership when it comes to parenting, finances and household decision making. I suspect from what you say, though, he won't listen, and so meanwhile get your ducks in a row for leaving him, without any indication to him that you're doing so.

He’s an abusive prick

This

No he doesn't want me to work. He's quite traditional. I know that sounds silly but he is. I love being a stay at home Mum but I would also like some free time once in a while.
I love my DC but I love myself too.

I've been told I 'clearly can't cope' with being a stay at home Mum... so insulting. I love it. I just asked for 2 hours to myself 😔

Be back to this thread later, thank you again to everyone. I will read through proper later x

You can’t “chat” to or reason with an abuser. He is using the children to restrict and isolate you.

What happens when they get older and more independent? He will find other ways, believe me.

No man would ever speak to me that way twice. Time to get support and get away from this selfish nasty shitbag of a man.

You can do what you want and absolutely shouldn't need permission to do so.

He's selfish and entitled.

*properly

If they act up with him he probably needs more practice. I'd ramp up the heading out on the day his football isn't on at the weekend.

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

Get on childcare.co.uk right now.
Find someone to sit for you at your house and go on the lunch.

I'd also start looking for childcare options more generally one or two days a week.

Shit like this boils my blood and is why i will NEVER be a sahm

No no no! Your update is even worse, he allows you an hour! He is an abusive controlling wanker, emotional and financial abuse. You need to leave him, take half his business, regain your independence and make him look after his own children.

I am going to bet that his golf playing/ whatever other hobbies he gets up to in 9-5 Monday to Friday have sod all to do with work of any kind either.

I would basically be leaving him with the children for 3 hours on either a Saturday or Sunday every week to do whatever I wanted- be it shopping, gym or sitting in a bar reading a book if I wanted. I was married to someone like this in my 1st marriage who simply didn't think I needed free time- ever.

'Clearly can't cope' is it? Because you want to meet some friends without the kids in tow. What a gaslighting piece of shit.

The only person who cant cope is him.

He wants your world small. Ask yourself why

And how well do you think that would work with a man like that?

Do you really think he'll quietly agree and become a reasonable husband and father?

He doesn't want you to work in paid employment because he wants to control you.

He doesn't respect your work in the home.

He wants you to be grateful for scraps.

Disgusting man. Get angry OP. Speak to a lawyer

If he's working Mon-Fri, 9-5 you'll have to assume he's working 'out of an office' so not really at home to leave the kids with. So, under that logic, start interviewing nannies - the more expensive the better so you can have your life back. If he's such a tycoon of industry, doing deals on the golf course, it will be peanuts to him! Plus I'm sure all his big wig clients all have nannies so you'll be doing your part to help him project the image of success! I'm sure a few cost-projections later, he'll get it through his 'thick skull' and you'll have all the time you need for yourself :)

The 'chat' you need to have is with a solicitor, not your husband

You are being emotionally and financially abused

'Allowance' indeed. Half of his is yours.

He's not traditional.

He's controlling

Next time, don't ask him... TELL HIM. Tell him that you're going out, so he's in charge of his children. I'd start doing it regularly. Fair enough if he is actually working, and can't watch three small children, but it sounds like this isn't likely. How would he react if you said you were going out on the weekend? (When he won't be "working") Would he also say you couldn't go then?

@InOffice I'm sorry I disagree. Unless they are in the golfing industry or running that bar , it's very unlikely it's work - OP hasn't said what he does- I'm going to bet £50 it's something that doesn't involve constant networking with the same person or drinking at the bar.