DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

[rippedjeansniceshoes]

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

What a useless lazy excuse of a man! I couldn't stay with a nasty controlling misogynistic guy like that. Since when does golf amount to work?! Idiot!

This op. If he doesnt learn they will always play up. And even if they do, so what?

so you are also not allowed out of the house during your free hour? You have to stay in your bedroom? what would happen if you walked out of the house now? Surely there is a starbucks somewhere near you?

He wants your world small. Ask yourself why
This. The longer this goes on, the more you think it is normal, the harder it is to recognise what it is, the more difficult it is to leave.

go out on sunday. All day. Go out every evening from 5pm until 10pm. Go to the gym every morning until 9am. If you cant, if he gets angry, if he stops you, you know.

Ahhhh your poor husband. I feel quite sorry for him actually, because the ONLY outcome of this is your wearing his bollocks as earrings.

This will not get better. The arrogant dick thinks it’s fine, to treat his wife like at best, an employee.

@rippedjeansniceshoes is there any kind of a cultural aspect at play here ?

Traditional is not a synonym for controlling and arsehole. You're worth more than this.

You're in a gilded cage, OP. He sounds absolutely awful, tbh. Is he OK as long as you do everything he tells you? He's certainly not right on this - I could understand if he was working, but he sounds really lazy, tbh. Why aren't they growing their business?

I'd be poking this cunt right in his fucking balls. Divorce. Take half. Live a peaceful life. Utter controlling prick.

This. Your marriage sounds like a prison sentence. Look at the Freedom programme.

It's not okay, OP.

He’s horrible OP.
My husband works out of the house and is often gone for work trips, and he makes sure he watches our children so I can have child free time any evenings or weekends I want it. We have a really equal share of who goes out without the kids on evenings/weekends and I’m a SAHM!

Your husband is being an abusive prick. Golf isn’t work if they are also drinking and client golf trips do not take 2 days a week, he’s taking the absolute piss out of you and I suspect he’s actually a crappy Dad who can’t cope with the children.

Please go see your friend! He can f right off.

Anyone remember this delight? This is how it turns out OP

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3702687-Can-someone-properly-explain-why-my-DH-thinks-this

Your husband is abusive and controlling! Leave

He doesn't seem to like his children or you. No time with them in the week, except a begrudging hour sometimes, no family time at the weekend. I couldn't live with this.

Well he clearly can't cope with:
Being a decent husband
A proper job
Allowing you out of his sight
Putting the kids to bed
Being a decent father

And he definitely definitely can't cope with you challenging his shit poor attitude!

Hire a babysitter & go out… you husband is a lost cause.

He’s definitely got a cushty life let’s be honest. He’s really out of order

I have to laugh that some posters and OP's DH actually having the audacity to call golf and drinks, work. It's with his partner and "business associates". It's nothing more than using a tax loophole to be able to entertain and be a drunk and deduct it all from taxes. The fact that it's allowed is how so many businesses get away with paying so little tax and big earners can write so much off that they end up paying less taxes than a waitress.

what annoys me about comments like this is that I grew up with lots of "Traditional" families set up around a breadwinning man and a SAHM. The difference was that in my memory, the dad was super engaged and around and in fact, it was a point of pride to have a SAHM who was well dressed, had her hair done regularly, and was out and about doing things. Dads also did all the "guy" tasks like anything involving anything disgusting or dirty, late night lift clubs, sports and activities etc.

But it's bizarre how often "traditional" these days seems to mean no access to money (because he earns it), no time away from the kids etc etc. ...

Men have really done a number on women.

Is he a total moron? Yes clearly he is.

Abusive partners love to throw out ‘you’re lucky you get this, other husbands don’t do this xyz bare minimum thing.’’

OP, my husband does the bedtime routine every evening and often takes our children out for the day or I go out without them and he has them at home all day, so I can have an actual break and out of the house too. They aren’t just my kids!

Your husband is as suspected a shitty, shitty parent and a horrible partner. He sounds abusive and controlling and like your job is just to pander to him. I don’t often advise people to leave but I would strongly suggest counseling and taking an extended visit to your Mum for him to realise you’re serious that this shit is wrong and cannot continue.

He's awful
If he has time for golf, he has time to look after DC
A kind and caring partner would want you to be happy
He doesn't even like you

During work hours he's being reasonable, if something came up with work he would have to deal with it.

Outwith his working hours it's totally unreasonable,

I don't say this lightly but you are in an abusive relationship.

Please contact women's aid for advice.

Ok him saying you can’t cope with being a SAHM has really pissed me off. This weasel of a man can’t cope with his own kids! He can’t cope being a Dad or an equal partner can he?

WTF don’t you have access to family money?! Op this is really really scary. He gives you an allowance?! Of how much? And what are you expected to pay for using your ‘allowance’!?

Oh dear. Please tell us you had a career you can go back to? What are you going to do in 5/6 years when the DC are at school?

Get rid of the H now and start a new life.

He's a controlling twat who speaks to you like dirt. Who does he think he is? Does he ever look after his own children?

What a horrible man, I wouldn't put up with this.

'Traditional ' or a controlling arsehole? Theres a big difference! Hes got the life of riley hasnt he?. All i can see from your comment are- what he wants/ thinks/ lets/ tells.
You surely cannot think this is ok OP.