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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

536 replies

rippedjeansniceshoes · 29/08/2023 17:26

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
River87 · 31/08/2023 08:32

Reminds me of my abusive, controlling ex. Did a Clare's Law request at the end and he had a history of abuse.

Focus on getting ready to leave.

Codlingmoths · 31/08/2023 08:55

I think you should tell him you no longer see him as a father or a husband. If financially you need to pay half the mortgage to count as a house owner , then emotionally and practically you need to actively parent and be a partner to count as a father or husband. You don’t do either.

intherough · 31/08/2023 09:02

stayingright · 30/08/2023 23:50

This is one of the most horrific things I've ever read on MN

I agree, and I've been on here 10+ years. The manipulation and gaslighting is so deeply ingrained. OP you need to get out! He will never ever change.

vickylou78 · 31/08/2023 09:08

Op does he look after the children snc allow you out on the weekend and evenings?

It's really worrying that you don't have access to the finances and what is that about the deeds? Are you saying your name isn't on the property deeds? How did this situation arise? I'm sure you know you are in a very vulnerable position.

I would think about leaving him. You should be equals! Ideally with equal time off and money. If that's not possible look into getting a job and find childcare (use the funded hours) and try to carve some independence out for yourself.

Iziz · 31/08/2023 09:18

Abusive .

veggie50 · 31/08/2023 09:38

veggie50 · 30/08/2023 09:10

I know you have seen this type of comments already but I hope it helps to have one more: I had a very responsible job before children (one of whom disable and that's why I didn't go back to work) but my abusive ex managed to make me doubt my ability to survive without him. It's all about control and he preys on your financial dependence. I noticed you said you love your life/kids but didn't say you love your husband so my feeling is you'd like a divorce but afraid to take that step. Like those who posted before me, I think you can do it. You must do it with some careful planning, however, evidence of assets is key. You need every penny you can get from the divorce. While you are not working, he will have to pay your maintenance but to be truly independent, it would be good to have a job / career. I know you haven't worked before but trust me, being a mum is a lot harder than most jobs and you have been doing it very well. As to childcare, I bet you anything he would suddenly be able to have the kids half the time to avoid paying you for childcare. If he doesn't want to have the kids while "working", he'll be paying you and you will have a proper paid job as a mum. Good luck!

PS If you decide to go for the split, you mustn't let on. If he's any businessman worth his salts, he'll be able to hide the assets or fake some debts. Get into his study to gather evidence while he's on one of his golfing jolly, bring that to a divorce lawyer and make sure the first time he knows about it is when you serve him the divorce petition. A word of warning: you need to be darn sure that's what you want because this is a one way exit. If you reconcile with him after doing all that, you'll never have another chance and his behaviour will likely get much worse.

978q · 31/08/2023 09:56

Only you know what you need to do, if you have the strength, being treated as some paid for housekeeper/child minder is not any sort of relationship, your move.

Biddie191 · 31/08/2023 10:25

I hope that you're OK - as others have pointed out, this is abuse, and you really, really need to get out. It will only get worse, adn your children will start to believe in the way you are treated.

HarpieDuJour · 31/08/2023 10:49

I'm sorry to say that you are wrong about him not being violent. Punching holes in things is violence and it's to show you what will happen if you step out of line.

The most dangerous time for you is when you leave and shortly afterwards. If he thinks you are getting ready to leave him, he is likely to escalate. Please get proper advice about how to leave safely. In your case, I would go to the police, if only because a record of abuse may mean that you could access legal aid. Women's Aid can also provide excellent advice and practical help.

I know from experience that the closer danger is, the harder it can be to see it, but people here aren't reacting this way because they are afraid he will be mean to you. They are afraid that he will kill you.

dontletsaskforthemoon · 31/08/2023 10:59

OP this is so sad to read. Words fail me. You know deep down what he is doing is 100% wrong. You've had so much advice from other PP's re; getting help to leave him safely. Please do it; please leave him for your own and your kids safety.

GabriellaMontez · 31/08/2023 11:09

He is financially, emotionally and verbally abusive.

Sounds like he has been for a long time.

You don't have to put up with it.

Please be careful, he sounds aggressive and controlling. And it sounds like he knows you've rumbled him.

ArabeIIaScott · 31/08/2023 12:27

HarpieDuJour · 31/08/2023 10:49

I'm sorry to say that you are wrong about him not being violent. Punching holes in things is violence and it's to show you what will happen if you step out of line.

The most dangerous time for you is when you leave and shortly afterwards. If he thinks you are getting ready to leave him, he is likely to escalate. Please get proper advice about how to leave safely. In your case, I would go to the police, if only because a record of abuse may mean that you could access legal aid. Women's Aid can also provide excellent advice and practical help.

I know from experience that the closer danger is, the harder it can be to see it, but people here aren't reacting this way because they are afraid he will be mean to you. They are afraid that he will kill you.

All of this, I'm afraid.

OP women here have experience of all of this - the patterns, the behaviour. It's all quite sadly predictable.

You can't expect that he will improve. Ever. Lovebombing is part of the abuse. Makig grandiose promises is also. Unfortunately he is far more likely to worsen.

What matters is his actions. Punching walls. Insulting you. Isolating you. Shouting.

Please contact police and/or Women's Aid. They will be able to help.

Totalwasteofpaper · 31/08/2023 12:38

@HarpieDuJour is 100% correct.

Thelonelygiraffe · 31/08/2023 12:53

HarpieDuJour · 31/08/2023 10:49

I'm sorry to say that you are wrong about him not being violent. Punching holes in things is violence and it's to show you what will happen if you step out of line.

The most dangerous time for you is when you leave and shortly afterwards. If he thinks you are getting ready to leave him, he is likely to escalate. Please get proper advice about how to leave safely. In your case, I would go to the police, if only because a record of abuse may mean that you could access legal aid. Women's Aid can also provide excellent advice and practical help.

I know from experience that the closer danger is, the harder it can be to see it, but people here aren't reacting this way because they are afraid he will be mean to you. They are afraid that he will kill you.

This.

OP, do take care of yourself.

You deserve to be happy.

mumonthehill · 31/08/2023 13:08

You have had so many wise and supportive comments. Please really read them and listen to these experiences. These posters will be with you every step of the way. You now have a huge support network.

BustyLaRoux · 31/08/2023 13:11

Wow what a nasty way to speak to his wife!

I do understand that golf with business partner and associate is part of his working day. Some of us are lucky to have “work” which is enjoyable and doesn’t seem like work. But if it necessary to do as part of his business then yes it is work.

However, you’re not asking a lot! A couple of hours off is all. You don’t get annual leave or flexitime like a lot of working people. Your “job” is bloody hard work and his isn’t. He could have said “yeah sure, I’m not too busy on Thursday. Go and meet your friend.” With the agreement that he won’t be able to do this every week but now and again is fine.

What a wanker! Can you afford to put the kids into childcare one day a week so you get a day to yourself? I love my children to bits but we all need a break!

CandyLeBonBon · 31/08/2023 23:21

Jesus op I just caught up with your updates.
Please don't show him this thread. I think it would put you in danger.

Please talk to women's aid. He is 100% abusive. They can help you make a plan. Don't do anything rash.

But please plan to leave. Flowers

Teenagehorrorbag · 31/08/2023 23:46

DH is employed 3 days and self employed two days a week. When he's on his S/E days I definitely take advantage of the fact that he's around to help with school pick ups, jobs I want him to do, and sometimes - things for me. Tomorrow he is dropping me to a lunch meeting with old friends so I can have a glass or two of wine, and will pick me up. (I am a SAHM/part time employed evenings and from home).

Obviously I wouldn't ask if it impacted on his business but things are usually flexible.

He wouldn't dream of speaking to me like your husband. I'm sorry, but your H doesn't respect you to talk like that, and also should want you to have some 'me time'. If he was really busy then fair enough (provided you had time off at evenings and weekends) but he sounds like a complete tosser!

Batalax · 01/09/2023 01:07

Please do talk to women’s aid. He is abusive. You know it.

Controlling and emotionally abusive.

Batalax · 01/09/2023 01:09

You should be getting equal free time to go and do whatever you want.

Mmhmmn · 01/09/2023 01:16

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/08/2023 17:29

Oh, he sounds a right charmer.

If you left him, he'd have to pay maintenance and you'd be able to sort childcare and go out whenever you wanted, you know.

Oh this. I mean what he is adding to your life other than stress? What an asshole speaking to you and behaving like that.

Asiatoyork · 01/09/2023 02:39

I think in your shoes I would actually step away from the attempts to talk to him to get things better. I don’t think that’s possible, so think you need to let him think he’s ‘won’ so he’s less suspicious whilst you gather the financial information you need to secure the best financial result for you, and minimise chance of him hiding assets (very common when self employed). Then once everything is lined up, leave them tell him you have.

Agree with others to call someone like Women’s Aid (can you do this from your mum’s house?)

Good luck - it’s not you, it’s him.

Original poster
rippedjeansniceshoes · 01/09/2023 21:55

I've started a new thread, I don't know how to link them?

I hope to get as much advise and support.

I don't know what to do right now.

I will try and link

OP posts:
lauraloulou1 · 02/09/2023 00:55

OP are you actually married? If so then leave him? You will be much better off financially if you do - this is as others have said coercive control! You being at home saves your family budget thousands of pounds - you should have access to this to make up for the loss of earnings you are enduring. As others have said this man is a prick. This is no way to live! You aren't a child with an allowance? He gets to play golf for days at a time and you get one hour a day? If you don't leave him you will end up hating him and your kids and your life. Even leaving him for a while so he can wise the f up? You deserve better and you know it. That's why you posted! Good luck. Major change ahead!

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