DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

[rippedjeansniceshoes]

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

Well we don’t know that. The op has said he doesn’t work full time but whether he has specific things/calls that need doing that day is unknown.

given he is supposed to be working I think you need to ask him if he can look after the children rather than just tell him that that is what is happening

This is controlling.
Play him now at his own game, get as much information while hes out photocopy and hide, earnings contracts bank statements as much as you can.
Plan your escape, as time goes on this will get worse.
Just bite your tongue and plan...

God no. It's not remotely you, he sounds awful!

When you are divorced, it's going to have get through his thick skull that he'll be doing a lot more childcare than he is currently.

OP, don't put up with this. The man is an abusive prick and you deserve better.

Telling you to get it through your thick skull just shows how little respect he has for you and what you're doing for the family. Maybe it's time for you to go back to work OP

She said "He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates." even if he does enjoy it, it's still work, we are allowed to enjoy our work.

Does he have a relationship with his dch? Does he bath them, read to them, etc? Take over 50 per cent of the time outside his 'working' hours? Sounds as if you need to have a very frank discussion with him about what it means to be a parent, which sometimes means him parenting alone while you go out and do what you want. That's at the very least a short every day. If you can't get this message through his thick skull is there anyone else who could talk to him on your behalf?

Sorry, missed he doesn't like you going out without the kids.
Fuck that, they're his kids just as much as yours.
If they're safe with him, get yourself off out more.
He can parent them then too.

*short time

That is a disgusting way to talk to your partner or anyone, how dare he talk to you this way.

Obviously as the SAHP, the childcare will fall to you more often. However, since it appears from your messages that he calls the tune wrt work rather than dances to someone elses and doesn't appear too stretched, I am also going to say YANBU on this front. He could easily make himself available for 2 hours. The fact he won't and never has done coupled with his attitude to you suggests he knows exactly what he's up to; he's a lazy, controlling, shit.

I'm so sorry OP this is not normal. You went to the cinema in June but kids had to be down and you drove - this is implying you have never had a night out or a few drinks? Or just skipped the bedtime routine for a walk because you were stressed? If not then something is seriously amiss, you are effectively a sole parent.

He needs someone explain to him what a SAHM means. If he has work Mon 9-5 and you have kids the same times, then that's both your 'working weeks'. Any time after that is 50/50. Try talking to him. If he doesn't change you'll simply have to start leaving the house. If he finds himself with the kids he has no choice has he? Honestly he doesn't sound like a good father or partner and I feel bad for you.

Dump him Op
You deserve better

@Clymene and @User13579367337 I understood that as him networking/entertaining business associates rather than doing his hobby - which could be reasonable I think. The football thing is completely unreasonable though. And the fact that he is ok with the OP going out with the kids but not without at other times is a red flag. At the least, a conversation needs to be had about equal access to free time.

My DH ran his own business but would often meet me in town straight from his office to take baby DD home to bed (so I could have a child free evening with best friend who lived in town). He'd be all suited and booted, with laptop bag slung over one shoulder and baby DD cuddled in his arms. He was perfectly fine with this because, you know, he loved his daughter and loved me.

OP, I think tbh I would just tell him that you are going. Tell him you are telling him and that you aren't asking his permission. Then tell him you will be going out child free once a week with your friends. He is seriously taking the piss.

Op, this isn't a loving, caring, equal partnership. This isn't a relationship in which you have each other's backs, support what each one brings to the running of the family. It doesn't sound like he really likes you much, I'm so sorry.

Separate issues. I wouldn't expect my husband on v short notice to be able to watch the kids for two hours during a work day, unless I absolutely knew he had nothing on, same as he wouldn't leave the kids with me for two hours during my work shift when he's on child duty. I'd be surprised if a successful company could keep going on some phone calls and emails a week so I imagine there is a bit more to it than that; even very established businesses don't really run themselves to that degree.

But he talked to you like you were a piece of shit on his shoe and it sounds like he's a prick in general who doesn't do anywhere near his share of looking after the kids so you can have your own life outside the working day. Personally I'd stick the kids into childcare, tell him to pay for it and have a day or two to myself during the week instead!

That's abuse and control, how dare he speak to you like that. Please consider going back to work yourself, so you are prepared to leave him if he doesn't seriously change his behaviour. Being a SAHM doesn't mean you are solely responsible 24/7.

Jesus Christ. Are men getting worse? The longer I'm on MN and the more I read of abusive bullshit like this the more I hate them.

No OP. YANBU. He is. I'm m sorry you're married to such a cunt.

DH doesn't mind me going out with the DC. It's just when I want to go alone the arguments start

*Let me rephrase that for you

"My DH thinks that the children are my sole responsibility and that he shouldn't have to take care of than alone ever"*

And his work aside, why are you 'asking' to do things in the evening. You tell him, and go out.

Yes this.

If he was in an employed role and had to work in the office he wouldn't be able to look after your kids, so you'd have to accept that WFH meant no childcare while you are supposed to be working in that scenario.

But he works for himself, so that doesn't apply.

His language and attitude sound horrific.

Go back to work OP. Don't rely on this man.

Just offering solidarity OP. I thought you were writing about my partner until I checked the number of kids.
For what it's worth he's a cunt. It is definitely not you, and I hope you get your lunch with your friend

Men like this do not deserve to have wives, kick the fucker out.

He's a controlling piece of shit. Leave the bastard and get a good lawyer.