DH won’t let me go out during ‘work hours’

[rippedjeansniceshoes]

Hi name changed as I don’t know what to make of this.
DH owns his own company and works from our home office. I am a stay at home mum with 3 young DC.
Having 3 children under 5 means I am hands-on and very busy with the children day-day.
My husband works a few hours a day, Mon-Fri. He is very lucky as his business takes care of itself at this point. He makes a few phone calls, sends a few emails and he’s done. Once sometimes twice a week he will spend the whole day doing a hobby that he loves. He does this mainly with his business partner (very good friend) and with business associates. After the hobby they chat and have a few drinks. He said this is classed as his work as it is during the Mon-Fri work hours.

A friend of mine (also with 3 young DC) asked me if I was free for lunch this Thursday afternoon as her siblings were looking after her DC and she had some child-free time! Knowing that my DH is very quiet work-wise of an afternoon (and had no golf planned) I said yes! I was so excited to get out without DC and honestly didn’t think it would be an issue for DH to look after them for 2 hours of an afternoon.

Just by me asking it has created WW3 😥 I’ve cancelled the child-free plans with my friend and I am just so upset.

DH said no as it is during his work hours. I don’t understand. I explained to him that after a long summer at home with the kids I really needed a couple of hours with my friend! His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull’ that Mon-Fri are his work hours and he can’t look after the kids during that time. I explained he has lots of child-free time during the week for golf and I have none. He said golf doesn’t count as it is ‘work’ for him.

Every time I ask for child-free time this happens. Although I did go to the cinema with some mum-friends in June without the kids and he was ok (eventually) with that (DC asleep, evening showing) I drove.

Is it me? Am I wrong here?

Yabu expecting him to look after the kids during his working hours. I can’t believe people are saying you aren’t. He is working!

Do you both get free time outside his working hours?

Thank you so much everyone. I'm actually having a little cry of relief as I knew deep down it wasn't me being the unreasonable one.
He just makes me question things sometimes, he is so convincing that he is right and I am wrong.

Weekends I only have 1 day free as the other day his team plays football and he likes to watch that without the kids. Even writing this down is ridiculous.
My friends are often busy with their own families on a weekend.

I rarely have a friend who asks for a child-free meet up like this Thursday. That's why I was so excited. I see my friends often but always with the children for play-dates.

DH doesn't mind me going out with the DC. It's just when I want to go alone the arguments start 😔

He’s an abusive twat

simple answer though. Just tell him at 9am one Saturday that you are going out and he is in charge, go, turn the phone off and come back late afternoon

You lost me at 'DH won't let me'

Get rid. It's not normal to be told what you can do or not to do by a supposed partner in life.

Can you actually read? He's not working

What a knob. Controlling idiot.
Please leave him

Just go and leave the kids with him. Whar a dick.

When you are in the middle of it you often can't see the horror of your situation as others see it. I am so sorry but I could not live like that.

I don't know your circumstances but I wouldn't be surprised if you have very little control of your share of family money. You have few friends, family are not near you and you feel trapped. If I am wrong about this then you have the motive, means and opportunity to get away permanently. I doubt your situation will improve. One step out of line and there will be hell to pay.

If you ARE somewhat trapped call Women's Aid for a chat. Now.

I think you should have checked with him about having the children when it is Monday- Friday. As others have said the golf etc may well be dealing with clients and not just a hobby. That is absolutely no excuse for the way he has spoken to you though which is abusive. He sounds controlling if you haven’t been able to go anywhere on your own since June. I can guess how he will react to you getting a job- which you absolutely should do because you need to get away from him.

Hugely abusive OP and controlling.

He is breaking the law.

This is coercive control.

Please call Womens aid for a chat, support and advice.

They will confirm that you are in an abusive relationship.

Start telling friends the truth.

Have you family nearby?

Tell them the truth.

This is a very bad man.

Not normal at all.

He is a shit OP.

You should have an equal amount of time to yourself as he does- if he counts golf as 'work' he must realise that a whole day watching football means you gave a day to yourself?!

what about evenings? Are you "allowed" to go meet a friend for dinner on a Tuesday after he's "home" from work? I take your point re not being able to do child-free things on the one day a weekend as your friends aren't free then, but in my experience, most women, especially SAHMs, get their "away from the kids" time in the evenings.

I will always remember fondly my friend's DH who, after I'd asked if she wanted to take up a last minute cancellation for an event, came home from work and got home about 2 minutes before I arrived to pick her up - he was still in his suit and tie, on the couch giving the 4 month old a bottle while reading a story to the toddler! He couldn't get home earlier, but he was 100% prepared to take over 100% from the minute he walked in the door.

It's because he doesn't want to/can't be bothered to look after them. These men don't even bother hiding the contempt for your efforts looking after them, and thr kids themselves.

I find it hard to believe he supports a family of 5 with a few emails and a few phone calls then does no work for the week. It’s just incredibly unlikely.

It’s reasonable for him to set working hours and to keep them for work so he can respond to things when they come up.

You should be able to make plans the rest of the time though.

DH doesn't mind me going out with the DC. It's just when I want to go alone the arguments start
he doesnt want to be responsible for the house or children. He doesnt want to have to do the hard parenting. That’s your role. He doesnt want to have to deal with the children so he will make you going out very difficult so you dont because you wont want the hassle.

go out now. He has finished work for the day. Go for a coffee somewhere. Phone your friend on the way and ask if she can meet you there. If not take a book.

it isnt his working hours.

they are equally his children.

He's running a business from home. I can see why he's frustrated that Op dismisses this as not really working. Obviously he needs to behave better about that, but you can't expect to leave DC with someone who's WFH.

For a one off with notice, I'd expect him to take time off to facilitate it though.

His response is that I need to get it though my ‘thick skull
Nasty twat.
Ok, if you don't go out by yourself during work hours if he's working and can't look after the kids then, do you go out when he finishes?
Because I bloody would be.
Be like see ya and go off out for tea with a friend or off to the cinema or something

Crap. It’s his company. He can set his own hours within reason.

Yes so awful playing golf with his work partner and spending time drinking with him after. OP said this is a friend not a client.

And if he can find time for himself during his "working day" when he doesn't actually seem to be working very much at all, then he should be able to find an hour or two to look after his own children.

I can't understand a successful business that requires such little input from him or his business partner for a start

But he's treating you very badly.

Do you have family support at all?

Please leave him, and then enjoy your child free time which usually works out at every other weekend and half the hols for co-parenting right?

Yes, exactly this.

Because going by the OP his 'work' seems to take up no time at all