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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL babywearing

211 replies

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 16:28

MIL is coming tomorrow to pick up my DD (11 weeks) to her home to spend the day with her. It's the first time I will leave her with someone other than DP.

From the beginning I made it clear to MIL that as long as DD was a baby she wouldn't stay with anyone else, and she respected that. A few days ago she offered to take care of DD and hinted that my DP and I need a little rest and quality time for ourselves. She was right tbf, and precisely because she has kept her distance is what convinced me. I told her that she could have DD all day at her house but no sleeping there for now. Well, on the same day she decided to buy a crib, which I can understand, since it's better for DD to nap there than in a bed. But today she has also texted me saying that she has bought a baby carrier, without asking me if I agree to her using it. All this after telling me today to don't worry about express milk, that she has a bottle of formula at home when she knows that I exclusively BF. I have spoken to DP who agrees with me and will speak to her first. But I need you to tell me if AIBU, since my FTM brain won't let me think straight.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 29/08/2023 16:30

I wouldn’t be happy with any of that at 11 weeks!

YouHoooo · 29/08/2023 16:31

She needs to follow your lees on feeding, but I don’t get the problem with a carrier?

HappyPurrrsday · 29/08/2023 16:32

Absolutely nuts!

WongWifi · 29/08/2023 16:33

I’d back out now. No way I’d allow anyone to take my baby at 11 weeks.

Fluffycloudsblusky · 29/08/2023 16:34

Why should she not use a baby carrier?
Feeding - that’s from you. Breast milk expressed or formula. Your choice.
But if your baby is unsettled or your MIL has things to do around the house what is wrong with a baby carrier.

CyberCritical · 29/08/2023 16:35

I don't see any problem with the baby carrier, it's just a mode of transportation, and a crib if baby will be at her house over nap times makes sense too.

The formula is a misstep on her part as you've made the decision to EBF so she should be prepared to bottle feed the milk you provide.

Honestly, it sounds like she's excited and wants to help. You told her no overnights and she has respected that. Speak to her about the milk and make sure she knows you're not comfortable with her using formula and that if there's any reason like she runs out of milk you've provided she needs to call you or bring baby back to you not use any alternatives.

bryceQ · 29/08/2023 16:35

No issues with a baby carrier but it's strange to not offer expressed milk considering you breastfeed, will your baby even take a bottle?

At 11 weeks I'd only want someone to take my baby for a short walk, not have them all day though.

TheCave · 29/08/2023 16:36

Isn't she going to have a hard time trying to get a 11 week old to take formula when the baby is used to breast? Both my kids were a hard no to bottles when I tried them at that age, I never succeeded in getting them to take a bottle (either of formula or expressed milk).

Luxell934 · 29/08/2023 16:36

Obviously the formula thing is weird if your exclusively breast feeding, maybe she wasn't fully aware?

The baby carrier? I don't see what the big deal is? Seems like a loving grandmother excited to spend time with her grandchild.

How much contact has your DC had with your own mother?

Skybluecoat · 29/08/2023 16:37

I don’t think you are ready for this, and I certainly wouldn’t have been.

Just tell her you and baby aren’t ready to be apart yet. She will have to wait.

TropicalTrama · 29/08/2023 16:38

Will she follow your instructions and feed the expressed milk? If not I wouldn’t allow the babysitting. But I see no issue with the sling.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2023 16:40

Why would she even think of asking your permission to use a baby carrier? How could it it possibly impact on you? This is FTM hormones indeed! If you start querying that, it will make you look batshit!
On the other hand, if you want the baby not to have formula, then you need to say so very clearly, and provide plenty of expressed milk as a back up. You can explain that you don't know how she will react to formula and you don't want to risk interrupting the feeding supply. If MiL has not breastfed herself, she might not understand how it all works. Don't assume she knows, or that she is overriding your wishes, just make sure you are crystal clear.
Have a lovely day!

Notsuredontknow · 29/08/2023 16:40

No no no no no. I wouldn’t like any of that at 11 weeks. She’s getting carried away and will cross your boundaries even if inadvertently

DowntonCrabby · 29/08/2023 16:40

If you’re happy for her to have DD for the day I can’t see any issue with baby wearing.

The feeding issue is entirely different though, does she understand the concept of EBF?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2023 16:40

Sorry, op, but 11 weeks is far too young to be away from you for the whole day, especially when you're breastfeeding. You absolutely do not want your baby having some random formula. Call this off, right now, and don't worry how your MIL feels about it.

Ldd89 · 29/08/2023 16:43

I’m still trying to convince my mum to use a baby carrier with my DD who is 6 months, the time they spent with her would be so much easier! Baby carriers are fine, there is nothing to worry about but I remember feeling sad for some reason when I saw my SIL using my carrier for my Daughter for the first time. It was the hormones and it soon passed.

I would love to have an involved MIL, what’s important is that your LO has people around them that care and love them and want to spend time with them. My heart breaks for my DD sometimes as I wish relatives were more involved.

Original poster
Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 16:44

She's good with baby carrier. Rasing DP and SIL pretty much alone with a carrier. She is a loving grandmother and I understand that she wants to spend time with her granddaughter, so I don't mind trying to leave DD one day and see what happens. Rather, it's the issue of the formula that has made me worry and now everything she does seems wrong to me. I think she should have asked me too, since I was very careful to choose a trusted brand (Ergobaby 360) Before that, she bought me another baby carrier that was not very safe for her position.

OP posts:
minipie · 29/08/2023 16:45

Will your baby take a bottle? How is she at being apart from you for a length of time?

FictionalCharacter · 29/08/2023 16:45

At 11 weeks nobody would have had my baby for a full day. But MIL saying she’ll give formula (that she’s already bought) when you’ve made it clear she’s EBF is a clear overstep, and I’d be backing out. I’d be concerned now that she’ll ignore other instructions about the baby’s care and feeding. You could say right, we’ll do this later instead, and make it clear to her that she is not to change feeding arrangements.

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you that you have baby brain or FTM brain. You are perfectly capable of making decisions about your own baby. There is no such thing as baby brain. Women who have recently given birth are just more tired than usual, childbirth doesn’t make us stupid.

FictionalCharacter · 29/08/2023 16:47

Notsuredontknow · 29/08/2023 16:40

No no no no no. I wouldn’t like any of that at 11 weeks. She’s getting carried away and will cross your boundaries even if inadvertently

Exactly.

ManateeFair · 29/08/2023 16:47

The carrier thing seems absolutely fine.

The formula thing is just a parent of a different generation not really understanding EBF, I think. Just explain that you'd rather your DD had expressed breast milk because she's never had formula and you're more than happy to express.

WeWereInParis · 29/08/2023 16:48

Absolutely no to formula if that's your decision. If she pushed for that, it would feel like an attempt to then push for longer periods "it's fine if you haven't expressed enough for me to have her overnight, she takes formula!" etc.
The fact she's bought it already when she nows you're breastfeeding would put me off the idea of her having her for the day at all tbh.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/08/2023 16:48

Re carrier, I'd just send your with her.

But if you're saying you don't trust her to not tip your milk away and feed her formula, then don't send her.

Simple as that. DH can look after her whilst you get a bath and a nap.

Tropicalsquirrel · 29/08/2023 16:49

I really don’t get this desire to have someone else’s baby for a whole day. It’s far too long for a BF 11 week old. I’d suggest an hour, maybe two, at the maximum at this age. Otherwise baby will be miserable and miss Mum, Mum will be missing baby and having all sort of painful leaky boob problems. A PPs suggestion of a walk is a good one. Buying formula is just undermining your breastfeeding. Plus, what if baby has a reaction to formula?

tootyflooty · 29/08/2023 16:49

Please do not let your tiny baby go to your MIL for a whole day, it sounds like she will do exactly as she pleases once the baby is out of your sight, there is no reason for her to have an 11 week old baby all to herself unless you were very unwell with no other support. I would set firm ground rules from the get go, you are storing up a whole lot of bother if you don't have firm rules in place now. Can she not just visit yours and maybe take the baby out in the pram for an hour or so, and just be on hand to help you out at home for a morning or afternoon.

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