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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL babywearing

211 replies

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 16:28

MIL is coming tomorrow to pick up my DD (11 weeks) to her home to spend the day with her. It's the first time I will leave her with someone other than DP.

From the beginning I made it clear to MIL that as long as DD was a baby she wouldn't stay with anyone else, and she respected that. A few days ago she offered to take care of DD and hinted that my DP and I need a little rest and quality time for ourselves. She was right tbf, and precisely because she has kept her distance is what convinced me. I told her that she could have DD all day at her house but no sleeping there for now. Well, on the same day she decided to buy a crib, which I can understand, since it's better for DD to nap there than in a bed. But today she has also texted me saying that she has bought a baby carrier, without asking me if I agree to her using it. All this after telling me today to don't worry about express milk, that she has a bottle of formula at home when she knows that I exclusively BF. I have spoken to DP who agrees with me and will speak to her first. But I need you to tell me if AIBU, since my FTM brain won't let me think straight.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 29/08/2023 17:18

At 11 weeks nobody other than my husband would have been having my baby for a full day , I really can’t understand why relatives need to have alone time with a baby . It really doesn’t matter what you say @Carrotcake93 , once she’s out of sight she will be doing whatever she pleases . Madness .

Thehop · 29/08/2023 17:20

Ohhbaby · 29/08/2023 17:13

Sorry op, I know people are normally enthusiastic 'moms need a break too ers' and I hate to be the negative Nancy, but I personally see a few issues.

  1. I know everyone dislikes a breastfeeding know it all, but unless you regularly express, remember that a baby is far more effective in removing milk from the breast, meaning expressing for a full do will be different that feeding your baby.
  2. At that age, most babies till have some crying spells. Can you honestly say there has been a full day where baby hasn't cried for some time and you tried all different techniques to get her to calm down. Went for a walked, tried the breast, shushed, baby weared, breats again, you name it.
  3. With the whole formula thing I see 2 problems.
3a. From the situation I wouldn't trust your mil not to give her formula. 'we ran out of your milk' 'I couldn't get her happy, but finnaly she was fine when I offered the formula bottle' 'she was very hungry' bla bla you name it. 3b formula messes up most babies tummy's esp that young, even moms that start off with formula. How often have you heard. 'we had to try 3 different formulas before we found one he liked/didn't upset his stomach /didn't cause spit up. " whatever the reasons my be. Do you want a week long fussy baby?

Anyway it's fully your choice but I will say that at that age they're still (developmentally appropriately) attached to their moms especially and beautifully so if breastfed.
I think it would cause some stress on baby's part as well.

Can you not drop a sleepy baby off straight after a feed and have a lovely shower/hour nap and a coffee date with dh and fetch her before her next feed (3/4hours)

Even better is mil could do this at your house!

Couldn't agree with all of this more

HowlingPig · 29/08/2023 17:21

WongWifi · 29/08/2023 17:12

Okay, you win. Happy now? 😆 Mumsnetters do get their proverbial all tied and twisted when someone questions their modern (iPod, sorry I meant ancient) methods 😆

No way I’d have my baby in a carrier but each to their own. But the risk of falls is still great.

Show quote history

Do you tend to fall over a lot? I’ve never fallen over in my adult life… it isn’t a big issue.

Prams are fine- they have a small risk of the baby being pushed into the road in front of a car/ someone letting go of the handle/the handle being faulty and coming off/the pram being pulled out of your hand by a kidnapper? And probably several more unlikely things.

Baby wearing is also fine- there is the small risk of falling on the baby, you both getting hit by a car, a piano dropping out of a window onto you…

but baby wearing has the advantage of having your baby were it wants to be- close to you.

NotSureYet86 · 29/08/2023 17:25

Did MIL breastfeed her DC? My MIL didn’t breastfeed her DC and was really negative (all the classics- BF’s no good, how do you know baby is getting enough milk, she must be so hungry…) She babysat oldest DD for a couple of hours when baby was 5 months (and thriving on EBF) and I’d left expressed milk and some pre made formula in case she ran out of the 3 bottles of expressed milk. Guess what, she didn’t give her any of the expressed milk but tried the formula, DD refused to drink it so she decided baby wasn’t hungry and fed her nothing!

momtoboys · 29/08/2023 17:25

YouHoooo · 29/08/2023 16:31

She needs to follow your lees on feeding, but I don’t get the problem with a carrier?

I'm with YouHoooo

Lifecanbebeautiful12 · 29/08/2023 17:36

I would not allow this! I’m admittedly a bit over cautious with my kids and was especially so with my first but I would worry about the safety of someone else using a baby carrier with my 11 week old baby! And if she’s telling you not to express as she’ll give formula then she absolutely is not considering your needs or preferences. People like this think they know better and will never follow your instructions whilst you’re not around. 11 weeks is so tiny and I wouldn’t leave my baby with someone so flippant about my parenting/safety preferences! And you’ll be worrying the whole time your baby is with her.

lanthanum · 29/08/2023 17:38

Has your baby had expressed milk from a bottle before? Some do not easily adapt to it, so I wouldn't be leaving her until it's been tried at home.

Mari9999 · 29/08/2023 17:39

@Carrotcake93

Come back in 6 or 9 months when you want a night out and your MIL says no it is just too restrictive a task. However, I do agree that she should struck to your feeding protocol.

She sounds well intentioned. My in-laws had a full fledged nursery to accommodate the various grandkids and it made life simple for them, and it was nice to visit without having to cart around all of the baby items.

Elmers · 29/08/2023 17:40

YANBU about feeding, she absolutely should only feed what you want your baby to have.
Buying the cot and carrier is a bit odd, but seems maybe just an over excites grandma, I don’t see anything wrong with it.
I do find it odd that you’re going straight to letting her have your baby all day to be honest, given what you said about no babysitting. A few periods of a couple of hours here and there would seem more fitting.

Bookish88 · 29/08/2023 17:42

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 16:44

She's good with baby carrier. Rasing DP and SIL pretty much alone with a carrier. She is a loving grandmother and I understand that she wants to spend time with her granddaughter, so I don't mind trying to leave DD one day and see what happens. Rather, it's the issue of the formula that has made me worry and now everything she does seems wrong to me. I think she should have asked me too, since I was very careful to choose a trusted brand (Ergobaby 360) Before that, she bought me another baby carrier that was not very safe for her position.

Lots of us have had DC with "loving grandmothers". Personally, that didn't mean I was willing to leave my 11 week old EBF baby with them for a full day when all they'd ever known was me and DH. But I suppose we're all different 🤷‍♀️

Flakey99 · 29/08/2023 17:43

I wouldn’t leave an 11 week old EBF baby with another person for a whole day unless it was an emergency situation. I certainly wouldn’t let them try formula feeding as it could interfere with your BF routine.

DinnaeFashYersel · 29/08/2023 17:44

The carrier is fine but she shouldn't be giving formula to a bf baby.

Dentistlakes · 29/08/2023 17:45

11 weeks is very young to be spending the day away from you, especially if she’s exclusively breastfed. I would be telling her I’d had a change of heart and that I wasn’t ready to be separated from my baby. The formula is what would worry me the most. The fact she’s gone ahead and bought it, knowing full well your baby is breastfed suggests she doesn’t respect your wishes.

Spirallingdownwards · 29/08/2023 17:49

LifeExperience · 29/08/2023 16:50

I would be okay with all of it except formula feeding. I would make it clear that that is not happening.

Same as above.

For me the feeding is the only issue. Explain to her why it is and enjoy your day to yourself knowing that granny is having a fun day with gc and probably by the end of the day will look forward to handing them back as she will have forgotten how tiring it can be.

pictoosh · 29/08/2023 17:49

The formula asides, I think it's fine.

Rockschooldropout · 29/08/2023 17:51

My grandson is bf and I certainly wouldn’t have expected my daughter to hand him over to me for a whole day at 11 weeks- nor would I have wanted a day away from my own bf children at that age ..

Also I would be furious if any of my children’s grandparents had indicated they were going to give formula .
At 11 weeks a day away from you is just going to mean pumping and probably a considerable amount of worrying. So not exactly a restful day - I’d pull the plug

notjamesbond · 29/08/2023 17:53

I wouldn’t have an issue with the baby carrier but. I would about her not giving the expressed milk and going against your wishes.

Fallingthroughclouds · 29/08/2023 17:54

She's just over excited. Just talk to her. You've said she is reasonable about giving you space, so I am also sure she will be reasonable about the BM. Not sure what your issue is with carrier.

viques · 29/08/2023 17:54

Where in the house has she put the crib? Does she know that the advice is for a child to be in the same room as her carer for naps? She would have been better off buying a Moses basket that she can keep in the living room.

Original poster
Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 17:55

Thank you all for your answers. Responding to some comments; my MIL is not that old, she is 48 and is very active, but It worries me that if she falls, she won't have the same reflexes that I can have as a mother. My DP helps me a lot with DD and I can have time for myself , lbut we've never spent time alone since DD is here. In the end I decided not to say anything about the carrier but DP will talk to her about the formula, we will also tell her that it better be a few hours and not the whole day!

OP posts:
Rockschooldropout · 29/08/2023 17:57

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 17:55

Thank you all for your answers. Responding to some comments; my MIL is not that old, she is 48 and is very active, but It worries me that if she falls, she won't have the same reflexes that I can have as a mother. My DP helps me a lot with DD and I can have time for myself , lbut we've never spent time alone since DD is here. In the end I decided not to say anything about the carrier but DP will talk to her about the formula, we will also tell her that it better be a few hours and not the whole day!

A few hours and a stern no on the formula shouid out your mind at rest

Tangledbaby · 29/08/2023 17:59

Mate, are you mad? Posting that you’re having ANY time away from your baby on MN gives you a guaranteed attack on your parenting.

You don’t have any time away from them. Unless of course it’s for work in which you must leave them in a nursery and it must be full time so you don’t become dependent on a man.

DelurkingLawyer · 29/08/2023 18:02

Unfortunately the cat’s out of the bag and you won’t trust her now and it won’t make for a stress-free day. It’s also a long time for such a tiny baby. Can’t you do as PP suggest and let MIL have her for a short stint between feeds?

Also is there any way of swiping the formula so she can’t give it even if she wants to? Bright and breezy, here are a couple of bottles of breast milk in case of emergency, though I’ll be picking her up at 4pm, what formula did you buy, oh well do you mind if we take that for later on as you won’t be needing it for now, want to try her out with it ourselves before letting anyone else do it. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know about her intention.

Dropthedonkey · 29/08/2023 18:03

At 48 I had a 6 year old. I hope I wasn't in imminent danger of falling over.

Nevermind31 · 29/08/2023 18:03

I wouldn’t let s bf baby go away for the whole day. Does baby accept bottle?
to me a carrier is like a car seat - the wrong one can do hip damage (said as parent of a baby who had to wear a hip harness, and was warned by doctors about “wrong” carriers) - did she discuss with you which one to buy?

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