MIL babywearing

[Carrotcake93]

MIL is coming tomorrow to pick up my DD (11 weeks) to her home to spend the day with her. It's the first time I will leave her with someone other than DP.

From the beginning I made it clear to MIL that as long as DD was a baby she wouldn't stay with anyone else, and she respected that. A few days ago she offered to take care of DD and hinted that my DP and I need a little rest and quality time for ourselves. She was right tbf, and precisely because she has kept her distance is what convinced me. I told her that she could have DD all day at her house but no sleeping there for now. Well, on the same day she decided to buy a crib, which I can understand, since it's better for DD to nap there than in a bed. But today she has also texted me saying that she has bought a baby carrier, without asking me if I agree to her using it. All this after telling me today to don't worry about express milk, that she has a bottle of formula at home when she knows that I exclusively BF. I have spoken to DP who agrees with me and will speak to her first. But I need you to tell me if AIBU, since my FTM brain won't let me think straight.

I don’t understand why she should clear the baby carrier with you??? The milk though she should respect the fact that you are only giving breast milk.

The feeding thing is not OK, if you have chosen to EBF. But I can't see what's wrong with a carrier, surely you use one? I'm not sure how it would work logistically for baby not to sleep there either, surely that would be a very short visit. Maybe better for now to say to MIL you'd prefer she comes to yours to see baby.

Just following your update OP, I agree a few hours at this tiny age is far better for everyone - but mostly you & baby. Once she gets to six months old it’ll be much easier to leave her for a whole day but it is still such early days. I had to put up some form boundaries with my MIL in the newborn phase to stop her overstepping the mark!

Women have been EBF since the beginnings of the human race. Of course she understands.

The formula thing would be a big no no, but at 48, I don't think you need to worry about her falling! I don't worry about my own mum falling, and she's nearly 78!

At 11 weeks my baby wasn't breastfeeding to a schedule so I couldn't have spent any time away from him. My boobs would have been agony and I would have been so anxious being away from him, especially worrying that he would have been crying for a feed within 10 mins.

Is there a reason why she can't sit with baby at your house / take for walk while you have a shower / nap / eat with 2 hands?

I simply wouldn;t do this because your MIL is giving off boundary-overstepping red flags all over the place.

Length of time for a first stay is too long, there has been so much pressure already, buying a carrier, talking about formula feeding.

I'd honestly just cancel. She can come and take the baby for an hour.

To be fair I would want to know if anyone looking after my child was using a carrier because I would want to make sure they knew how to use it safely. As long as they did though it wouldn't bother me.

I don't understand what your issue is. You've agreed for her to have your baby for however long. A baby carrier is fine. Just provide her with milk and tell her to not use formula. And have a set time to collect your child.

I really wouldn't let her take the baby if you want her to be exclusively BF. I would be surprised if an 11 week is going many hours without a feed so she'll end up giving her the formula because she'll be hungry. 11 weeks is quite young for her to be away for a substantial chunk of time. Couldn't she take her for a walk in her pram near your house to give you a break?

I don't think I'm at the point of being described as a doddery old dear prone to having falls just yet, thanks. Not when I look at the number of plates on the lat pulldown machine.

@Carrotcake93 - I'd be straight on to her saying that while you were under the impression that she understood the terms that you were happy leaving your new baby with her, she's gone so far past them they are now in her rear view mirror.

No to the baby wearing.
Absolute no to the baby formula.

And a thank you but no to looking after your baby for the time being.

Oh, and your DH should actually be saying all of this to his mum, or at the very very least, should be backing you up if you're the one breaking the news to her.

I was thinking if she hadn't been away before why would you go straight for a day rather than a few hours!

48-she could be a new mother herself!

I'm 49 and I find your last post @Carrotcake93 quite ageist. I'm no more or less likely to fall now than I was in my 20's.

You had my support until I read that post.

Now I'm on team MiL.

I think it is lovely that on MN there are so many mums willing to spend time with their grandchildren. My mum has had no interest in having my children because they are my kids not hers she had been there done that for 18 yrs and had no interest in looking after a child regardless of whether it was her grandchild or not! She is too busy travelling and having a social life which she couldn't do when she was bringing me and my siblings up. I would have loved someone to have my baby for me just for a few hours but there seem to be an obsession on here with mums or MIL wanted their grandchildren for hours or even days Is it a control or power thing.? Or boredom as people get older. When I have grandchildren I hope I will want to spend time with them but don't think I would like to go the whole hog with having them sleeping over etc alot of the time. My next door neighbour has her grandson 3 nights a week and she cries when he goes home. She has asked if she can have him every weekend so then her daughter and son in law can go out. She says her life isn't complete without a child in the house. She often would look after my kids when they were small as my own mum wasn't interested but she has no hobbies or interests and very few friends and having brought 4 of her own kids up child rearing is all she knows.

You don't need to be sending your baby anywhere at 11 weeks and exclusively breastfed. It'll be more faff and stressful for you having to pump milk (to avoid getting mastitis) than it will actually help, you won't relax anyway so there's nothing to be gained here for you. If she wants to help why doesn't she take her for a walk for an hour or something between feeds. You can have a rest/shower but she'll be back in time for next feed. I wouldn't be allowing my ebf baby go have formula either way.

Glad to read your update OP. Have a nice lunch/coffee/movie date with your dp then back to baby. I remember how hard the beginning is with missing your partner but agree with pps that 11 weeks old is very young to be left for a whole day and would certainly mean a lot of pumping for you. Enjoy the short break and hopefully around 6 months you can take a whole day to yourselves.

The sling and the crib wouldn’t bother me but I can almost guarantee she will feed your baby formula she has it written all over her & that would make me reluctant enough to say no.

I don't get the big deal about the baby wearing. I don't think that matters. I understand the formula issue but I'm formula feeding my baby at the moment. It's not poison. It's only milk replacement. One bottle of it isn't a big deal either.

You decision needs to be based on whether or not her giving your baby formula is a deal breaker. It would be for me. A whole day away from bf newborn will be mostly pumping. You might be better off giving it a few months (or years...). If you do go for it, don't forget the contraception, especially as bf will be interrupted which might trigger ovulation.

I'd be delighted if my mother in law offered to have my LO over for the day. Its a dream at that age to get a break.

Sling is really not a big deal nor is the crib. As for the milk, she might be thinking she is making your life easier by offering formula. Just let her know that you don't want her having formula because ... (whatever reason, I'd probably say in case she develops allergies etc.).

Just tamper your expectations though; your baby may not take a bottle. It'd be a good idea to try it out beforehand so it is less stressful for all of you.

48 is not old at all. But she stepped over the line by buying formula when she knows the baby is EBF. Also with telling you not to bother expressing milk. I think her plan is to feed him formula. I'm not sure I believe she will not do so if your husband asks her not to. She's my generation, we all know that you don't just randomly feed a baby formula that hasn't been tested at home to make sure the baby tolerates it. You won't be happy if the baby comes back fussy because he can't tolerate the formula and it's not her decision to make anyway. I would not be super comfortable with her babysitting unless she makes it clear she understands you're the mum and therefore you are the authority. She has to follow your rules.

When I was 48 i had a toddler. I also had a 31 year old. I cant remember worrying about falling at any point with either of them ffs.

No formula fine, casual ageism, not so much.

Your MIL just sounds like she is excited to have a grandchild and is trying to be helpful. I don't see the issue with the baby carrier at all, it's simply a way of carrying the child around. From your description it sounds like she has respected your decisions so far regarding your baby, so I would suggest that the formula suggestion wasn't done maliciously to undermine your "EBF" journey, rather she was again trying to be helpful and think ahead " I best get some milk at home for when I look after the baby". A simple conversation regarding your preference that your child only has expressed milk should be enough rather than making this song and dance out of it.
I'm sure you didn't mean it to be, but your post sounds a little bit ridiculous and could easily be settled with a conversation with your MIL. However if you're not ready to let your baby be looked after by someone else then that's fair enough, but that's no reflection on your MIL's suggestion of a baby carrier or formula!