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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL babywearing

211 replies

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 16:28

MIL is coming tomorrow to pick up my DD (11 weeks) to her home to spend the day with her. It's the first time I will leave her with someone other than DP.

From the beginning I made it clear to MIL that as long as DD was a baby she wouldn't stay with anyone else, and she respected that. A few days ago she offered to take care of DD and hinted that my DP and I need a little rest and quality time for ourselves. She was right tbf, and precisely because she has kept her distance is what convinced me. I told her that she could have DD all day at her house but no sleeping there for now. Well, on the same day she decided to buy a crib, which I can understand, since it's better for DD to nap there than in a bed. But today she has also texted me saying that she has bought a baby carrier, without asking me if I agree to her using it. All this after telling me today to don't worry about express milk, that she has a bottle of formula at home when she knows that I exclusively BF. I have spoken to DP who agrees with me and will speak to her first. But I need you to tell me if AIBU, since my FTM brain won't let me think straight.

OP posts:
Loverofoxbowlakes · 29/08/2023 18:46

I'm not sure I'd have trusted my MIL to feed only the expressed bm (she thought she knew far better than me), especially after saying not to worry as she has formula.

You'll soon know if she has though, ff baby poo is VERY different to bm. I'd remind her of this, and that you are trusting her this time and if she puts a foot out of line she'll never be left alone with baby ever

TheYadaYada · 29/08/2023 18:50

I ebf and there was no way I’d have been ready for someone to take my 11 week old.

Also, I’d have flatly refused them giving formula. That would be the biggest no-no.

I’d reconsider at this age and have another few months before you let your mil ‘help’.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 29/08/2023 18:54

You are conflating issues here. Ultimately what you do is up to you. But if you are in principle fine with your mother in law having your DC for a whole day you need to unpick the different concerns:

Crib. As you say it’s fine. More than. Putting DC to sleep in an adult bed would have created a risk.

Baby carrier. Also fine and sensible. A fit 48 year old will not be putting your baby at risk. I had my third baby aged 44 (nearly 45). I carried him around in a carrier just fine. As do many.

The milk. Has your DC taken a bottle yet? Its absolutely your choice what is fed. Set your expectations out about this in advance. If you only want expressed milk fed then feel empowered to say so.

If it’s the case that now you are thinking about it, it all feels a bit much then own it and tell MIL that it’s too soon after all and she can’t have DC for the whole day (or not at all). That’s ok. It’s up to you. But try to see past the issue of the carrier because that should not be what this is about.

For what it’s worth I didn’t leave my 11 week old babies with anyone else. I just didn’t want to. So that’s what I said. It’s ok to say that.

MargaretBall · 29/08/2023 18:55

OP sounds like your MIL is lovely, she is trying to balance the baby’s needs with helping you. The formula to me is not an attempt to undermine you but rather a clumsy and primal contingency in case the baby for some reason goes hungry .
There is nothing here to suggest that your MIL has an evil plan. In your OP you allude that
she has been respectful and that you and your partner need the time together . Surely just thank her, explain you will supply enough expressed milk and then be really grateful that your child has another person in the world who will love them and protect them. All MIL are not trying to usurp mothers despite what hormones / other posters might suggest

okayah · 29/08/2023 18:59

So are you saying you are a better mother than her, as someone who you say raised 2 kids well on her own?

LateAF · 29/08/2023 19:02

okayah · 29/08/2023 18:59

So are you saying you are a better mother than her, as someone who you say raised 2 kids well on her own?

No, OP is saying that she’s the baby’s mother - it’s irrelevant how many children MIL raised and how good she was to them - her granddaughter is not her child so she doesn’t get to unilaterally decide to give a breastfed baby formula.

Dragonwindow · 29/08/2023 19:04

I wouldn't be happy with her using a carrier with a baby that young. Advice and guidelines are updated all the time, carriers can be dangerous if used incorrectly.

Ps new mum brains are wired slightly different from other people, but that's healthy and normal! Most (well-meaning) peripheral adults have a "good enough" approach to babies, whereas most new mums have a "must avoid every single potential danger or discomfort" approach, which is actually really powerful when your baby is too young to speak up for themselves.

MimiSunshine · 29/08/2023 19:05

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 17:55

Thank you all for your answers. Responding to some comments; my MIL is not that old, she is 48 and is very active, but It worries me that if she falls, she won't have the same reflexes that I can have as a mother. My DP helps me a lot with DD and I can have time for myself , lbut we've never spent time alone since DD is here. In the end I decided not to say anything about the carrier but DP will talk to her about the formula, we will also tell her that it better be a few hours and not the whole day!

Lol are you about 15? You must be incredibly young if you think that a 48 year old is in increased danger of falling over. And commenting that she is very active, like that’s a surprise.
You do realise that there are quite a few 48 year olds with 11 week old babies themselves?!

the baby carrier is not an issue, the formula is a non-negotiable if you want / are happy to your baby to be EBF.

Original poster
Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 19:06

LookItsMeAgain · 29/08/2023 18:18

I'm 49 and I find your last post @Carrotcake93 quite ageist. I'm no more or less likely to fall now than I was in my 20's.

You had my support until I read that post.

Now I'm on team MiL.

Why are you angry? I never discriminated based on age.

What worries me is someone else using a baby carrier with my baby there.
As my Dd's mum, I'm more adapted to my baby and I feel that if one day I fall to the ground my mommy reflexes will know how to make me fall in a safe way for the baby. I don't even want DP to wear baby carriers ffs

OP posts:
AD1996 · 29/08/2023 19:06

Apart from the formula as you are BF, I would expect you to send her with expressed milk, I don’t see an issue with the cot or the baby carrier? I’m a FTM to a 20 month old who has had sleep overs with my parents from 24 weeks so maybe I’m just more chilled but I really don’t see an issue?

iamwhatiam23 · 29/08/2023 19:08

Op I don't see any problem with the crib or the carrier but you definitely need to make it crystal clear that you do not want baby to have formula! Asking on MN wont get you very many well balanced answers. It's notorious for the neurotic mothers who don't let any even glimpse their golden precious child until its virtually a teenager let alone spend any time with it!!! I think it's good to have a break and its good for the dc to get that close bond with grandparents, however only do what you are comfortable with at a rate you are comfortable with. The saying " it takes a village to raise a child" is very true.

Dragonwindow · 29/08/2023 19:08

okayah · 29/08/2023 18:59

So are you saying you are a better mother than her, as someone who you say raised 2 kids well on her own?

Oh give over - of course the OP is a better mother TO HER OWN CHILD than anyone else is. No one else in the world cares about a baby in quite the same way as its parents (which includes adoptive parents Fwiw- the main caregiver)

ChillysWaterBottle · 29/08/2023 19:10

Poor woman sounds like she's excited by her grandchild and trying to help.

Only the formula could be a problem - make baby's feeding requirements clear. I think you're being a bit unfair and also shortsighted here. Her bonding with the baby too could help you a lot in the future if she's willing (and experienced) to take them for a few hours when you need it.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 29/08/2023 19:11

In many countries mums are back at work within a few weeks and - before a years maternity was normal in the UK - many parents, myself included, returned to work when the baby was around 12 weeks as we had to financially.
I can’t see any issue at all with a family member having your baby for a day but the milk situation is completely different and would worry me. If you think she won’t feed expressed milk then don’t let her have your baby. Alternatively, leave her with MIL for a few hours and then return to feed her yourself. Depending on how it’s going you can either take baby home or leave her for a another few hours. This will obviously only work if you are local but would give you the chance to catch up on sleep/do things around the house as well as maybe go somewhere with your DH (lunch or similar) for some time alone

Dragonwindow · 29/08/2023 19:12

Would it work better for you if MIL came and looked after the baby in your house, and you and your husband just went into town for lunch? I'm not saying it will be that way for the next 18 years (!) just for the first few finding-your-feet (both you and MIL) visits.

CuriousPorg · 29/08/2023 19:15

I once fell and slipped all the way down a steep muddy hill in a field wearing a baby carrier. Mum reflexes did kick in and I took the impact and completely protected the baby while slip sliding all the way down. Trying to get back up again was tricky. Just very very glad that tiktok had not been invented then so I didn't end up filmed by the local youths and shared for millions to laugh mercilessly at me.

Original poster
Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 19:18

My own mother, who is from the same age, has a 5 year old daughter (DS). When I said that she is active is not a surprise to anyone, but a sedentary life could affect lots of people at that age and even earlier. I thought it was something relevant to add without intending to offend anyone

OP posts:
GilbertMarkham · 29/08/2023 19:22

Are you exclusively breast feeding? If so, why would she suggest not bothering to send expressed milk? Had she absolutely no experience of breast feeding? That would worry me.

The carrier, what type has she got?

Carriers need a lot of research around age, position, suitability etc. And your baby is very young. Has she done that?

She seems to be jumping in with a lot of enthusiasm and not enough thought.

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/08/2023 19:22

Sling is fine but id try a half day or an afternoon before before going for 9-6 type thing

I left my baby for a day with my mum but my baby knew her well / spent time with her almost daily from birth. The formula thing isnt cool because the baby may not take it also basic boundary red flag.

GilbertMarkham · 29/08/2023 19:24

Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 19:18

My own mother, who is from the same age, has a 5 year old daughter (DS). When I said that she is active is not a surprise to anyone, but a sedentary life could affect lots of people at that age and even earlier. I thought it was something relevant to add without intending to offend anyone

I don't think an average 40 something is not going to be more likely to fall than a younger person.

As to Mummy instincts kicking in and being better at making you fall in a way that'll protect the baby ....hmm, I'm not 100% on that one.

GilbertMarkham · 29/08/2023 19:25

I don't think an average 40 something is going to be more likely to fall than a younger person - that should have said

Original poster
Carrotcake93 · 29/08/2023 19:26

CuriousPorg · 29/08/2023 19:15

I once fell and slipped all the way down a steep muddy hill in a field wearing a baby carrier. Mum reflexes did kick in and I took the impact and completely protected the baby while slip sliding all the way down. Trying to get back up again was tricky. Just very very glad that tiktok had not been invented then so I didn't end up filmed by the local youths and shared for millions to laugh mercilessly at me.

Thank you for sharing your story, I have heard many others who affirm that although it was a hard fall for the mother (broken arm for example) the baby was in perfect condition!!

OP posts:
Flopsythebunny · 29/08/2023 19:28

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2023 16:40

Sorry, op, but 11 weeks is far too young to be away from you for the whole day, especially when you're breastfeeding. You absolutely do not want your baby having some random formula. Call this off, right now, and don't worry how your MIL feels about it.

No it isn't. I looked after my granddaughter from 5 weeks old for a week. she was perfectly fine

Hufflepods · 29/08/2023 19:29

I don't even want DP to wear baby carriers ffs

Not normal and really over the top.

KayohB · 29/08/2023 19:29

When I had my first DS, I would have thought the same way, I tended toward catastrophizing though and looking back, I caused myself a lot of unnecessary anxiety and stress during my son’s precious first years. The falling while using a carrier is a non-issue though, have you ever heard of it happening? I’m not sure it’s at all common but if we look hard enough, we’ll always find something to back up any worry, no matter how rare.

Your MIL loves your baby dearly and she will not be taking any chances with their safety. The milk thing is a bit much though so of course you should let her know it’s not on, go easy on her though, she’s probably just so excited to care for her grandchild that she’s gotten carried away. Things get harder (in my opinion) once baby gets older, especially if you don’t get much sleep, and having a supportive grandparent who can give you and your partner some time to yourself or a good night’s rest, will be such a relief to you. I hope you manage to compromise this time and get a few lovely hours with your partner.