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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to want things formalised in DM’s will, or am I being grabby?

448 replies

GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 08:37

We’re a small, close family and we all get on very well, so the last thing I want is to create bad feeling. But…

My DM, a widow, has helped my DSis out financially a fair bit, whereas I’ve never wanted or needed any help since I stopped being a student over three decades ago.

The most recent bail-out involved a pretty hefty sum, which my DSis suggested be deducted from the amount she inherits from our mum’s estate, whenever that might be.
I have no problem with this, but I do want it to be formalised somehow, as I know how easily these things get forgotten/the details blur, and my mum won’t be around to make sure it happens.

I’ve also suggested that the previous lump sum my mum “lent” my DSis should be included (from earlier this year).

My own circumstances are that I’m fine for money now, but have a disabled child who’s likely to need more, rather than less care as she gets older, and I can see myself being unable to work at some point.

I mentioned the issue (again) to my mum yesterday, and she looked a bit panicky and said she didn’t want to upset my DSis or let her know we’d been talking about her finances.

My attitude is that all this stuff should be out in the open as it concerns us all, and if anyone’s going to be potentially pissed off, it’s me. I’d be happy for the three of us to sit down and discuss it, even though I find talking about money really awkward, especially as none of us enjoys talking about profiting from DM’s death!

Am I being unreasonable to want the money DM has lent/advanced DSis reflected in her will? Or am I being grabby?

NC for obvious reasons.

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 08:41

That's just sensible.

Your DM can see her solicitor and ask for it to be formalised that DSis has already received X and Y as lump sums and these amounts plus inflation should be deducted from her share of the estate.

You don't need to talk to DSis about it, she's already suggested it.

Original poster
GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 08:45

The water is slightly muddied by the fact that the previous bail-out was supposed to be a loan, rather than an advance on inheritance, but my DM has basically forgiven it (and has already forgotten the exact amount despite the fact that it was only a few months ago!)

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 29/08/2023 08:46

Does your mum have an existing will?

we had a similar issue with one of my sisters and dad added a bit to his will stating that the money she had already received should be deducted from her portion of the inheritance and split between the rest of us. She didn’t know he had done it but was fine with it.

SunRainStorm · 29/08/2023 08:47

GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 08:45

The water is slightly muddied by the fact that the previous bail-out was supposed to be a loan, rather than an advance on inheritance, but my DM has basically forgiven it (and has already forgotten the exact amount despite the fact that it was only a few months ago!)

She can explain that to the lawyer. Whatever amount of the loan isn't repaid at the time of her death is deducted from Dsis' share of the estate.

Lawyers deal with this all the time. Don't stress about it, just get it written up.

Original poster
GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 08:49

She does have an existing will and I don’t think it would be difficult
to add a codicil.
I suppose I’m really asking whether I’m being unreasonable to ask for this to be done rather than just trusting DSis to remember what was agreed.

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 29/08/2023 08:49

Another agreeing that you should get your mum to make a will. My mother refused to, and it caused a lot of difficulties after she died.

JudyJulie · 29/08/2023 08:50

Not unreasonable at all. The only people who will screw you over worse than your friends are your family.

billy1966 · 29/08/2023 08:53

Not unreasonable at all.

Surely your mother doesn't want to be the cause of a fall out after she has gone because she didn't want to leave her affairs in order?

There is nothing wrong with saying that.

After all, it is your sister who has brought up all these "inheritance advances".

Mummy08m · 29/08/2023 08:55

Yanbu to want this but prepare yourself that the will is unlikely to happen the way you want.

When most loving parents write their wills (imo), they don't do it thinking of "fairness", they do it with the thought of worrying how their dependents will cope when they're gone. Same mindset as taking out life insurance.

Maybe this is projection but...your DM sees you as the capable/reliable one. She's not worried about how you'll cope when she's gone.

It's not fair. I've seen it heaps of times though, including in multiple generations/sections of my own family.

Original poster
GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 08:56

@billy1966 I think that’s what’s irking me a bit. I don’t think I should have to be pushing for this, and therefore feeling like the bad guy, when it’s a matter of basic fairness.

@JudyJulie I don’t think DSis would ever intentionally rip me off - she’s not like that - but I can definitely see a situation where it’s never the right time to pay me back.

OP posts:
BananaSpanner · 29/08/2023 08:56

You mention what your sis and you want but not what your mother wants. Has she suggested the will be changed. Does she want that? Maybe she’s happy how it is…

BananaSpanner · 29/08/2023 08:57

However if you are looking to change it, I’d do it fast as when my mum started forgetting things like the significant amounts she’d paid out for stuff, it wasn’t long before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

BananaSpanner · 29/08/2023 08:57

However if you are looking to change it, I’d do it fast as when my mum started forgetting things like the significant amounts she’d paid out for stuff, it wasn’t long before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

Original poster
GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 08:58

@BananaSpanner She admits it’s not fair but I think she’s worried about rocking the boat with DSis. DSis has taken the line that “of course” she’ll sort out what she owes when the time comes.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 09:01

@Mummy08m I think you’re right about how DM perceives DSis and me. She forgets that I’m the one with the severely disabled child, while DSis and her DH have much higher earning potential.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 29/08/2023 09:01

GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 08:58

@BananaSpanner She admits it’s not fair but I think she’s worried about rocking the boat with DSis. DSis has taken the line that “of course” she’ll sort out what she owes when the time comes.

I agree that it would be sensible and fair for your mum to clarify her wishes in her will.

What I don't agree with is they it needs to be discussed with either you or your sister. There's absolutely no need to rock the boat because it's already a loan that has been agreed and your sis will see the note of explanation in the will when the time comes.

I don't see any need for the three of you to sit down and discuss. Mention it to mum and then leave her to do the necessary.

Soontobe60 · 29/08/2023 09:02

You’re being very very grabby! It’s not your money, your Dm can blow it all on travelling round the world with a harem of toy boys if she so wishes!
I have 2 DDs and my will states everything I leave to be shared equally between them. What I choose to do with my money at the moment is completely my business. It so happens that I’ve treated each DD fairly equally financially.

Soontobe60 · 29/08/2023 09:05

GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 08:56

@billy1966 I think that’s what’s irking me a bit. I don’t think I should have to be pushing for this, and therefore feeling like the bad guy, when it’s a matter of basic fairness.

@JudyJulie I don’t think DSis would ever intentionally rip me off - she’s not like that - but I can definitely see a situation where it’s never the right time to pay me back.

What do you mean by ‘paying you back’? Your D Sis hasn’t borrowed any money from you has she? She doesn’t owe you anything! Your DM gave her some money. If it was a loan, then you could claim it back for your DMs estate when she dies if DSis hasn’t paid it back.

Original poster
GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 09:05

@Soontobe60 I’d be delighted if DM spunked it all on round the world cruises and hot men! That’s not the issue at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 09:06

@Soontobe60 DSis has said she wants to borrow from my mother’s estate, of which she and I are the only beneficiaries. So yes, it is a case of paying me back.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 29/08/2023 09:07

BananaSpanner · 29/08/2023 08:57

However if you are looking to change it, I’d do it fast as when my mum started forgetting things like the significant amounts she’d paid out for stuff, it wasn’t long before she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.

If that happens then there’s likely going to be no money left as it will all go in care home fees!

Original poster
GoodWillDrafting · 29/08/2023 09:07

There’s also the possibility that there won’t be anything to inherit, if it all goes on care costs. In which case, so be it.

OP posts:
Flossflower · 29/08/2023 09:08

I am really in agreement with you but you do realise if your mum gets Alzheimer’s she could spend all her money on nursing home fees.

Flossflower · 29/08/2023 09:09

@GoodWillDrafting sorry posted at the same time

AnSolas · 29/08/2023 09:10

You mum is unlikely to change her will to take account of the money she gifted to your DS.

The money is not your money, it is your mums money she could leave it to the local Cat&Dogs home if she wants.

The sooner you accept that the happier you will be.

Accept that when the time comes DS will not be in a "position to give" you 1/2 the money she was given and mum's will will not be "fair".
As @Mummy08m points out your mum has never been asked to support you so she will not see the way she organises her will as being unfair.