…to want things formalised in DM’s will, or am I being grabby?

[GoodWillDrafting]

We’re a small, close family and we all get on very well, so the last thing I want is to create bad feeling. But…

My DM, a widow, has helped my DSis out financially a fair bit, whereas I’ve never wanted or needed any help since I stopped being a student over three decades ago.

The most recent bail-out involved a pretty hefty sum, which my DSis suggested be deducted from the amount she inherits from our mum’s estate, whenever that might be.
I have no problem with this, but I do want it to be formalised somehow, as I know how easily these things get forgotten/the details blur, and my mum won’t be around to make sure it happens.

I’ve also suggested that the previous lump sum my mum “lent” my DSis should be included (from earlier this year).

My own circumstances are that I’m fine for money now, but have a disabled child who’s likely to need more, rather than less care as she gets older, and I can see myself being unable to work at some point.

I mentioned the issue (again) to my mum yesterday, and she looked a bit panicky and said she didn’t want to upset my DSis or let her know we’d been talking about her finances.

My attitude is that all this stuff should be out in the open as it concerns us all, and if anyone’s going to be potentially pissed off, it’s me. I’d be happy for the three of us to sit down and discuss it, even though I find talking about money really awkward, especially as none of us enjoys talking about profiting from DM’s death!

Am I being unreasonable to want the money DM has lent/advanced DSis reflected in her will? Or am I being grabby?

NC for obvious reasons.

@Scaredycatttt She’d argue that she did need the money, but I’d suggest there were things she could do differently, eg all the holidays,
to avoid the problem.

Why don't you just ask your mum for money now OP? that way you won't have to wait and see what happens with the will.

Be more brazen about it, just ask for contributions to things for your child or a lump sum....otherwise the resentment will eat away at you.

It sounds to be you have a great relationship with your mum where these things are brought up.
Surely saying 'mum you've said you want to make sure everything is fair between me and dsis, so can we all get together for a coffee and go over stuff so we can make sure everything is order? Dsis mentioned it too but I was at work and what with dc disabilities etc it would be helpful to have everything for them in order too....'.

Surely the 3 of you around a table can get this sorted in an hour.....

'So dsis - what had mum given you as a gift and what were loans.
Up to now I've had no loans or gifts....'

I was going to say what @Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday has said, but can see your point. However, as you have set up a Disabled Child’s Trust, could any money not go in there?

Sorry, but I wouldn’t trust your Dsis, to pay you back what you are “owed” from her share of any inheritance. You said “DSis sounded a bit taken aback and said something about not thinking that was necessary and she’d remember” when you suggested that it being recorded somehow. If your Dsis is really above board board in this, it should be her wanting things being put on a legal basis. Do you honestly think she will “remember”?

I would speak to your DM and point out that, the reason you would like things on a legal basis, is because you want to ensure your DC has money for whatever they need once you are gone. If I was your DM, I would definitely be even more inclined to make sure you and your family got their “fair share” if it was going to really benefit my disabled DGC.

Just noticed your post where you have said that your mum doesn’t want to rock the boat and Dsis has been borrowing money in the 10’s of thousands for holidays!! I think you can kiss goodbye to any fairness in your DM’s estate, if it isn’t legally recorded. After all, think of how many luxury holidays your sis could lose out on if she did pay you back!

@miserablebitch We’ve had advice from a legal expert who deals with these trusts and the idea is that they remain empty until both parents are dead, for tax reasons. It does feel counterintuitive, but it’s how it has to be set up.

DSis hasn’t been spending tens of thousands on holidays - the holidays are just one area in which they could have economised.

Your latest posts have changed my perspective slightly..

Mum.. you can do what you like with your money, it is your choice, but please don't expect me understand why you give money to DSis now and expect me to feel like things are equal. Dsis benefits from this money now, while any future inheritance will have a different impact on my life in the future.

I think it would be more sensible if your mother has the financial means to take the same money your sister has taken now and if you don’t need it save it for a rainy day. DSis and I were in a similar situation, she was offered the same money and refused, and many years later when she wanted it it was not possible for her to have it (relative still had the money but not the capacity to make a gift).

Anyone who tried stipulating what they wanted my Will to say would not be in it.

I gifted my youngest DS £60k for a house deposit and told other 2 DC it would be put in my will so he will get £50k less when I die. His siblings seemed fine with it. They were gifted £10k each when they bought their houses. My youngest DS could not get a mortgage if he did not have a larger deposit as he earns less. He moved into his house 2 weeks ago and I do need to make an appointment with my solicitor to get codicil added.

This in spades

100% needs to be in the will

"It's your money Mum, it's not for me to say what you do with it. But if you don't change your will, saying 'it will all be fair' is just lip service. DSis could have an accident tomorrow and lose any ability to make any financial decisions. If you want something to happen, after you pass away, to make things fair, and to help me provide for my disabled child, it has to be in the will or it will.not.happen. If you don't care enough to do that, that's absolutely your decision - but just be upfront about it."

I’m glad this will work out fine in your circumstances, but it wouldn’t if your df didn’t have huge investments other than the flat he’s leaving to your sibling.
Before my df was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s it never occurred to us that it would be possible for our parents to spend anywhere near all the money/investments they have and giving money to one child early probably wouldn’t have raised much of an eyebrow from the rest of us, but I’ll be very surprised if there is a penny left after my dad’s care. It is entirely possible he could need up to 10 years care as, whilst his brain is starting to deteriorate rapidly, his physical health isn’t.

Yes emotionally blackmail the woman into making sure you get your hands on what you're "owed" jesus christ

Best to get it all squared away legally I think. That way your mother can express her wishes and you and your sister don't have to drill down into the details when you are both grieving for your mother. 🌹

Same.

My attitude is that all this stuff should be out in the open as it concerns us all, and if anyone’s going to be potentially pissed off, it’s me.

My attutitude is that the only person's business as to who she gives money to, or not, now or after her death, is your mum's. Since it is her money and not yours, you have no right to be pissed off about anything.

But since this is MN, I guess the correct answer is how dare your elderly parent not ensure that she maximises your inheritance, preferably whilst getting out of her house to make way for the younger generation.

You're being grabby. It's not your money, it belongs to your mum to spend how she wants and it's up to her to decide if she wants to change her will.

Unfortunately a lot of people don't think ahead or write their wills according to what they actually want happen. I guess people don't like to think about their own mortality or think they will get around to it some day, but then after they are gone the money they intended for their kids ends up in the pocket of a woman their husband remarried and then her kids or something.

Yes, it should be formalised and no there's nothing wrong with talking about inheritances if the person brings up! It's not grabby or distasteful, it is sensible financial planning.

My mum died two months ago but before she died she had very frank conversations with me about finances and what her will stipulated etc. At the time I did the 'oh we won't need to worry about that for ages and I don't care about money!' thing, but now she has gone I am very glad she made her wishes clear and we discussed it. She was adamant that money be used to ease our lives and be used to give our girls a good start, and she wrote her will very carefully to make sure that happened.

We shouldn't ever rely on people doing the right thing when it comes to wills and large sums of money, because it can make people do horrible things. People you would never even imagine could treat you like that. If you want your money to go somewhere specific then make it legal.

That’s all well and good if you have £100k left to leave but unfortunately that isn’t guaranteed, unless you have a huge amount of money that you cannot burn through in care home fees.

If any child of mine said that to me, they would not only inherit not a penny, but I would never speak to them again.

DH did this with his daughter. DSS got a large lump sum from the sale of his parents' house but DSD asked for sizeable chunks before we had even decided to sell. It's all written down and kept with our wills and both DSC know that. You can't make your mother do it but it does keep things fair between siblings.

What happens to a parent's estate also depends on where your parent lives and dies. e.g. if in Scotland, children and spouses have legal rights to certain types of assets regardless of what a will says. Having been through the recent death of a parent and being executor of their will, it makes it far easier on close family to have conversations about wishes for the future.

Laughing at the vile people on here who would disown their children for calling them out on their unfairness and favouritism.
doubt your kids would want anything to do with awful people like you anyway so you won’t need to worry.