…to want things formalised in DM’s will, or am I being grabby?

[GoodWillDrafting]

We’re a small, close family and we all get on very well, so the last thing I want is to create bad feeling. But…

My DM, a widow, has helped my DSis out financially a fair bit, whereas I’ve never wanted or needed any help since I stopped being a student over three decades ago.

The most recent bail-out involved a pretty hefty sum, which my DSis suggested be deducted from the amount she inherits from our mum’s estate, whenever that might be.
I have no problem with this, but I do want it to be formalised somehow, as I know how easily these things get forgotten/the details blur, and my mum won’t be around to make sure it happens.

I’ve also suggested that the previous lump sum my mum “lent” my DSis should be included (from earlier this year).

My own circumstances are that I’m fine for money now, but have a disabled child who’s likely to need more, rather than less care as she gets older, and I can see myself being unable to work at some point.

I mentioned the issue (again) to my mum yesterday, and she looked a bit panicky and said she didn’t want to upset my DSis or let her know we’d been talking about her finances.

My attitude is that all this stuff should be out in the open as it concerns us all, and if anyone’s going to be potentially pissed off, it’s me. I’d be happy for the three of us to sit down and discuss it, even though I find talking about money really awkward, especially as none of us enjoys talking about profiting from DM’s death!

Am I being unreasonable to want the money DM has lent/advanced DSis reflected in her will? Or am I being grabby?

NC for obvious reasons.

No it’s not. You couldn’t, for example, take her to court to get the money back. Your DM could as could the executor of her will IF it was documented as a loan. You would be better to accept that this money belongs to your DM to do what she chooses.
If you’re that anxious about it, ask her for an equivalent amount now to invest for your child’s future.

She hasn't forgotten. She just knows you'll deal with it competently, as you always have. If you need more money, you'll work more hours, or get a better paying job, whatever. She thinks - you might be a bit worried occasionally about making ends meet but deep down you know you'll find a way.

This is mega projection now but... you should know that you're probably the "favourite". You don't cause your DM to have a worried frown when she thinks about you. But you'll get less in the Will.

It's not just the same in my nuclear family. My mum and her siblings had the same situation. My dad and his brother, the same. I've seen it in other families too.

I used to find it desperately unfair until I remembered, I'd much rather be the competent one and not have to worry where money is coming from because I'm the one with a degree and a career, my dsis isn't.

I mentioned the issue (again) to my mum yesterday, and she looked a bit panicky and said she didn’t want to upset my DSis or let her know we’d been talking about her finances.

Why would your sister need to know if she changed her will?

That seems sensible. My parents have given me and one sibling money for a house deposit, but my other sibling hasn't had theirs yet as not ready to buy. They told us they already put in their wills that the deposit money would be deducted from our inheritance.

Just to clarify - my mum has wanted me to be aware of the advance/loan/whatever from the start. She didn’t want to give DSis a load of money behind my back.

She initially wasn’t sure about giving her the money, but I said I was fine with it as long as it really was an advance on her inheritance rather than yet another free bail-out, as it was starting to feel unfair.

I think you're just being cautiously sensible & agree that you should get it made official. It's an awkward subject & of course your mum can do what she likes with her money but there's the possibility of your sister taking advantage & of it being pretty unbalanced/unfair on you in the long run.

I'm in a similar situation in that my brother is an overgrown man-child whom our parents have bailed out countless times with not insignificant amounts of money, rarely paid back.

On the very odd occasion that I needed a temporary loan of a few hundred quid during my early 20s when I was working my ass off & getting onto the property ladder, I always paid them back, in full, sooner than expected, by living very frugally.

Fast forward to our late 40s & he was still rollercoasting his way through life, needing thousands here & there. Our parents had a health scare, decided to write wills & after much agonising about it, I went ahead & gently pointed out the imbalance.

They realised just how much he'd had over the years & added a clause that any future 'gifts' would be logged & deducted from his inheritance. Not surprisingly in the slightest, he's already the cost of a new car down.

@BusyMum47 That is ringing a lot of bells!

My mum got a small inheritance in ‘advance’ from her own mother. We had to flee DV and it was to set up a new home. Her mother changed her will so she didn’t get much but her other 2 sisters got the full amount.

Given your disabled DC, I think it’s reasonable to ask her to amend her will.

The main reason for doing a will, IMO is to stop family falling out. That's why I've done it.

Other posters are better on practical advice but just wanted to say I definitely don't think you're being grabby when you have your disabled child's future to consider. Maybe gently remind your sister and mum of this in any discussions as you said your mum forgets about this in her schema of you as the one who doesn't need help.

How do you and your sister get on?

You’re right to want it written in the will and you should definitely remind your mum that that’s the only way she can be sure it will happen. She doesn’t need to tell your sister.

However, it’s going to be awkward and uncomfortable to keep pushing it so if your mum doesn’t do it, not a lot you can do except hope your sister does the right thing when the time comes.

Who will be doing the “logging”?

Op you need to be securing your own future now, ie buying a house,

Long term if you need to become a full-time carer the Benefits Agency will take into account any savings, that you have while calculating your benefits. So really if you end up with inheritance at that point you'd be expected to live off it.

There have been a few threads on here (one might have been a troll) who were in rented accommodation, various reasons they couldn't work or earn enough to lift themselves out of UC, but inherited either a house in the wrong area or £100k so not enough to buy outright and couldn't get a mortgage for the difference.

It was a real dilemma because you'd expect that sort of inheritance to make a huge difference to someone and lift them out of poverty but really being on benefits, they are expected to live of it until they are down to.the maximum savings allowed, which I think is £16k although it might have gone up

@Layinwait We get on great.

You’re being grabby, disgustingly so. It’s your mums money, she can do whatever the hell she wants with it. If she gives it to your sister then tough shit, you shouldn’t even be expecting an inheritance. It could be swallowed up by a million and one things before your mum gets anywhere near her deathbed.

@Whatswhatwhichiswhich The only reason I’m “expecting” an inheritance is because DM brought it up!

Really? The entire tone and the fact you say that @BusyMum47 sounds familiar to you - would suggest you and I have rather different views on what “getting on great” means!

Personally i would ask to be gifted the money now...it puts you on an equal footing with your sister ,means your mum doesnt have to specify it in her will and unless its going to compromise your mum financially or put any inheritance issues in the way, from a planning perspective it can be the most sensible thing to do. nobody knows what the issue will be with future care costs. However everyone should have a will so if she hasn't done so she should! there are lots of charities where you can get one written for free .

How old is your dm?

@Sugarfree23 We already have a house and some savings. I’m not expecting to be able to claim much in the way of benefits at any point but I worry about being able to afford therapies and adaptations to the house later on.

@Sugarfree23 We already have a house and some savings. I’m not expecting to be able to claim much in the way of benefits at any point but I worry about being able to afford therapies and adaptations to the house later on.

@Layinwait You can love someone and get on well with someone without necessarily agreeing with all their decisions.

but my DM has basically forgiven it (and has already forgotten the exact amount despite the fact that it was only a few months ago!)

and your sister “forgot”?

these bail outs - what have they been for? Debt? Poor management of money?

@Justgonefishing DM has a will. It splits everything 50-50 between DSis and me.