…to want things formalised in DM’s will, or am I being grabby?

[GoodWillDrafting]

We’re a small, close family and we all get on very well, so the last thing I want is to create bad feeling. But…

My DM, a widow, has helped my DSis out financially a fair bit, whereas I’ve never wanted or needed any help since I stopped being a student over three decades ago.

The most recent bail-out involved a pretty hefty sum, which my DSis suggested be deducted from the amount she inherits from our mum’s estate, whenever that might be.
I have no problem with this, but I do want it to be formalised somehow, as I know how easily these things get forgotten/the details blur, and my mum won’t be around to make sure it happens.

I’ve also suggested that the previous lump sum my mum “lent” my DSis should be included (from earlier this year).

My own circumstances are that I’m fine for money now, but have a disabled child who’s likely to need more, rather than less care as she gets older, and I can see myself being unable to work at some point.

I mentioned the issue (again) to my mum yesterday, and she looked a bit panicky and said she didn’t want to upset my DSis or let her know we’d been talking about her finances.

My attitude is that all this stuff should be out in the open as it concerns us all, and if anyone’s going to be potentially pissed off, it’s me. I’d be happy for the three of us to sit down and discuss it, even though I find talking about money really awkward, especially as none of us enjoys talking about profiting from DM’s death!

Am I being unreasonable to want the money DM has lent/advanced DSis reflected in her will? Or am I being grabby?

NC for obvious reasons.

You've brought it up more than once with her, to me that is harassing her. When she declined to do anything the first time you should leave it.

You say you raised it

then you even say “I raised it again”

I think you can assume your mother is very much aware of your view on the situation. So let it be and if she wants to act, she will

She hasn’t declined to do anything. That would actually be easier.

indeed. She has said that she would not like to change the will but instead for sisters to sort out afterwards

it isn’t ideal but you say very close to your sister. So you need to respect the above

You aren’t flush with money

why don’t you ask for financial support now? She obviously likes being alive to see her children enjoy her support!

That would be the easiest. How about just asking her now for the same amount as DSis has had? Maybe even overtly say this woud be simpler and would really help you in your finincial planning for your disabled DC's future.

We’re not flush but there’s nothing we particularly need help with at the moment. DM has made it very clear that she would always help us if she could.

In the same way that good fences make good neighbours, good wills make for peaceful families. My DPs are splitting everything 50:50 between me and my sister although we have very different circumstances.

Having said that we have emphasised that our preference is for them to spend it all on a happy and comfortable retirement.

I’d say that with a disabled child with needs that are likely to intensify - there will be support that would benefit her and you, and no doubt your DM would love to assist

I think the conclusion is forget the will DM doesn't want to face that. Be a CF like your sister and ask to borrow a similar couple of amounts with the same kind of vague pay back terms.

Or respect fact your mum has full capacity, is a grown assed woman that the Op has no concerns about and work on the assumption that if her DM wants to do something, she will. If she doesn’t, she won’t.

I think the op is acknowledging that.

Either mum changes will /formalises the loan

Or mum can be corrected each time she calls it "an advance on your sisters inheritance"

As op is also a fully competent adult and can correct factually incorrect statements if she wants. And not pretend things are different to how they are.

(My parents have loaned my sister money in the past, told me about it and it's all documented as a loan and kept alongside their wills - now I trust them 100% so I'd be very hurt /astonished if it wasn't with their will and if my sister then denied it we'd never speak again)

That's probably the impact here -2 sisters not speaking again after mum dies as 1 tries to fiddle the other by denying a loan exists.

Nah - I think we’ve concluded that passively standing by and failing to take steps to prevent a car crash is a really really shit idea!

Borrow like the sister has!

The op isn't repeatedly raising it at all though. The dm has mentioned it but it seems at the stage where things do need formalising as the dm is saying it's bothering her.
That's my understanding from what the op has said.

it Seems that you have raised this/ asked her to though. And she’s made it clear she’s not comfortable doing it. Regardless of her reasons for feeling uncomfortable , surely that’s your answer? It’s not right to make your mum feel pressured or uncomfortable about how to write her will.
YANBU for feeling aggrieved but I don’t think there’s much you can do in these circumstances, without crossing a line/ boundary that ought not to be crossed.
I agree with some pp’s that the best thing you can do is ask for an “advance on your inheritance” now as well and then put it aside if you want to.
Alternatively, I think all you can do is ask your mum to stop telling you that the money to your sister is coming out of the inheritance; tell her that since it’s not in the will, you have to consider it a gift otherwise it puts you in a very uncomfortable situation with regards to your sister, and you don’t want to be in that situation, It’s not fair on you. If you reiterate that point , it gives her a chance to decide to do something about it on her own.

the OP said she'd brought it up again so that is twice at least. Now she's thinking of bringing it up again. I think that qualifies as repeatedly.

I don’t see why bringing it up 2, 3, 4 times or more is wrong.

The potential consequences here are really significant , this is likely to ruin a relationship between two siblings.

How much effort is justified to preserve that relationship? I would say that you should go all out to prevent a relationship with a sibling being irrevocably fucked up - and the wishes of the dead seem less important when they screw with the living.

I feel like some responses here display an attitude along the lines of:

mother knows best
respect your elders
don’t talk back
be grateful for whatever you are offered

Seriously…fuck that.

There are three adults involved in this, no one gets a free pass, this involves everyone and so everyone needs to be involved.

If you have a plan for giving your money to people that is likely to fuck up the relationships between those people once you’ve gone (particularly if that is because your plan is badly thought out and totally unclear) then you have to accept that those people have a right to air their views. And if the consequences are really bad, then they will air those views vociferously.

having children brings responsibility. Giving money away involves responsibility. Take either of those lightly, get them wrong or give them insufficient thought, and the only legacy you will leave behind you is confusion, pain and unhappiness.

If you can see that coming down the line then for god’s sake do whatever you can to prevent it.

Boomboom22 · Yesterday 10:40
Some shocking parents on here, what a nightmare to have someone with iwasafool attitude as your parent. Spiteful and petty, do they even love their kids at all if they would cut them off for asking if they would do what they explicitly promised they would.”

Some shocking “children” on here ………

Hi OP, my family had a somewhat similar situation. I'm one of 3 children, one of my siblings through no fault of their own was financially pressed as many are in the UK now. My parents decided to give them a largish sum now rather than wait til they die hopefully many years in the future as the need was now.
What they did though was gift all 3 of us a similar amount for which we were all very grateful. I have a good income so didn't really need it in the same way, but like you have a significantly disabled child, so I have invested the sum , in my name, with the view of providing for my child in the future. This has significantly eased my concern for when my child is an adult as I am hoping to dedicate the income from this investment fund to supplement care. Perhaps you could suggest something similar as I would hope both your mother and sister would understand your worry for your child's future.

the attitude that you shouldn't be repeatedly asking your elderly mother to do something because you want to protect your "inheritance." Here's the thing, it isn't your inheritance until she dies, it is her money and she can do what she likes with it.

My kids are loved and have been helped, but no nonsense about not being able to help one when they need it because I can't give the same to the others who don't need it. They've all had help and were grateful for it and had no issues with siblings being helped when they needed it e.g. private medical help when needed, help with a disabled GC. Why would I be expected to give them all money for medical help if only one needs it or support for a disabled child if they don't have a disabled child?

Thank God my children aren't petty and grabby and would never nag me about my will.

Can you show where the mother explicitly promised to change her will because I can't find it.