Mum making herself too at home

[PandaRose]

Firstly, apologies for the essay… Hoping you can all tell me if this is really irritating behaviour or if I am being totally unreasonable!

My mum is single and in her 60s and lives a couple of hours drive away. She is a very anxious person about a variety of things and it often makes me feel anxious just being around her because she will get herself into such a state about something like traffic or work and will relay it all in such a way that really puts me on edge.

Because of this I try to politely minimise spending too much time with her but I don’t confront her about it as I think that would make her feel more anxious/upset her which I don’t want to do. She is also very helpful with my kids and looks after them on a semi regular basis.

The thing that’s getting me down at the minute is the amount of time she spends at my house.

A few years ago when she first started looking after my kids for me on alternating Fridays, she would ask if she could come over Thursday night and stay over (fine with me as the drive is quite far and as I mentioned before she’s an anxious driver). But it’s started to become that she would turn up earlier and earlier on a Thursday and now turns up at midday, then will often stay until sat/sun.

She never really directly asks, it just starts to creep earlier and earlier. She will often last minute say she has a headache or is too tired to drive or is worried about driving in the rain etc etc. I know part of it is her anxiety but it does feel like she picks and choose the anxiety to excuse her staying as long as possible.

What I find particularly annoying is she will semi ‘ask’ by saying something like ‘do you mind if I come a bit earlier on Thursday due to X’, but the ‘do I mind’ is totally redundant as if I say yes I’ve got a busy day at work (I WFH) or yes I’ve got to pick the kids up she responds with ‘don’t worry I’ll let myself in and sit downstairs quietly’ or ‘I can pick them up’ etc etc.

When she’s here she is helpful around the house and doesn’t expect to be hosted etc but this also irritates me as she almost makes herself TOO at home… immediately letting herself in with her set of keys and then making herself cups of tea etc. My husband thinks this is fine as she is quiet and just gets on with things (his parents would insist on us getting the silver service out and waiting on them but that’s a whole other issue!)

My AIBU is she is going to house sit for us this weekend as we’re going away on Friday. Just had the standard text of ‘do you mind if I come Thursday lunchtime to avoid rush hour on the road’. Bear in mind we both live quite rurally and rush hour isn’t really a thing! The roads may be slightly busier but it’s not like we’re in central london. When I said I wasnt sure as I had a busy work day on Thursday (and I’ll be packing, washing etc and generally stressing before holiday with kids!) she said she would let herself in and be quiet.

I don’t know what to do as she is doing me a favour by house sitting and is generally very helpful with my kids. But I also don’t want her to show up at midday (or earlier!!) on Thursday while I’m trying to work and get my life sorted.

My husband things I’m being unreasonable because she won’t interrupt me and will just sit downstairs quietly reading/drinking tea but just the thought of her being in my house when I’ve got stuff to do really frustrates me and puts me on edge! AIBU or am I just an awful person?!

Your poor mum. Would she be heartbroken if she knew that her own daughter does not want to see her that much?

Imagine when you are at her age and wants to spend time with your children and grandchildren but your children felt you were making yourself too at home.

A couple of things, OP. I think you’ve grown up around her negativity and anxiety, probably internalised a lot of it, and now it’s triggering for you, to an extent that might not be easy for other people to understand.

I get that. My own mother is not dissimilar, and is only ever really interested in me when I’m down, ill or unhappy. I think it’s an entirely unconscious sense of power because she thinks she’s ‘needed’ by someone ill or unlucky, whereas her self-esteem is so poor, she can’t see why someone who didn’t ‘need’ her would just seek her out. If I’m cheerful, upbeat, and have just been successful at something (job, award, etc), I can hear her turning off on the phone.

The other thing that sounds as if our mothers may have in common is a tendency to hang a desire for company off ‘duty’. My mother can never just do something nice that she might enjoy, she needs to frame it as a duty or obligation, even if involves something she wants, like company. She invents largely imaginary ‘duties’ to fill her time, or will mask a lunch with a friend under a pretence of not wanting to go, ‘but Sheila’s been on about it for months, so I suppose I have to’.

Your mother is clearly lonely, but is disguising a desire for company under the idea that she’s being useful. It might help to try to disentangle the two things?

Have you ever heard of cutting the apron strings? Those strings go two ways.

The child (who is the OP here) wants to cut those apron strings but the mother isn't accepting of that and is actually over time, significantly overstaying her welcome and damaging her relationship with her daughter, grandchildren and son in law by doing so.

Lots of people wouldn't want their mum living with them for nearly a week out of every month - it doesn't make them a bad person

Having read the update, I think the fact you didn't ask her to house-sit is significant. She's kind of imposing on you in a very sweet, mild but negative way and you don't want her sitting in your house. It's fine to not want someone in your house when you are away.

It's also clearer that you could find alternative care but are loathe to do so because your mum values the Fridays so much. I agree that's the best solution but as the children age, they won't value Friday night in with gran so much either, and might be out/on phone/in room and so on, so it might be good to mix it up a bit.

On Sat I would say, no, I'd rather we all went out together, sorry.

you can't say no to her and that is a problem. I agree she's helped out a huge amount and agree it's great she's in your family, but I also think staying three nights a fortnight and angling for more is probably more than is ok for your mental health, and so starting to say no, we are going away Sat, or no we are going out on Sat afternoon, so no, you can't stay, is the best thing to do.

She will be miffed but your hints aren't working, so you will have to use the word 'no' to get her to understand. Plus then I think the time with her will be more enjoyable.

Well she sounds lonely.
But meh, who cares.

I have a relative who is a news junkie with the doom and gloom fear.

Their spouse finally convinced them to take a sabbatical from all news for a month. It was a life changer.

Your mum refuses to get help.
I think I would approach as asking her if she wants to keep feeling so fearful and anxious. Then mention there are ways to fix it and see what she says.

After my dad left my mum, she started doing similar. She lived close by, so if we agreed to meet in the evening, she'd come down in the morning and spend the day in my house waiting for me to get home from work. In the end, I found a reason to get her key off her so she could no longer let herself in. When she realised I was not returning the key, she complained endlessly about not having a key and not having her days out at my house. Which I ignored.
But I don't have a good relationship with her, so I was not too worried about upsetting her.
She has always pushed every single boundary possible. I've had to learn to anticipate her actions and stop her before she starts. It's a shame because I'd see her a lot more if I wasn't so afraid of creating a routine or habit that then becomes an entitlement.

So it's every other weekend?

When will the kids start school as surely you need her to come every other Friday?

Haven’t read all the responses but from the voting I’m clearly in tbe minority as all this would irritate/ drive me batty too.

Not sure if it’s been asked, but couldn’t she move nearer to you? It seems she spends a lot of time at yours anyway and with your children, is there anything keeping her 2 hours away? If she lived 10-15 mins away then she wouldn’t need to come the night before or stay all weekend all the tine (well, she doesn’t need to do that anyway, but she’d have less of an excuse!)

I think you’ll have to be firm or sit her down and say ‘I’m so grateful to you looking after the children on Friday’s and don’t mind you coming Thursday evening, but it does need to be Thursday evening and we really like our weekends as a family too so whilst occasionally staying the weekend is fine, it seems to be happening more and more and you’d really just like it to be occasionally’

To be honest I think it's easier if you mention it before she 'asks' @PandaRose . So rather than waiting for her to say ' is it okay if..." and you having to say no (which is kind of rejecting if she's a bit sensitive) simply say firing your conversation when you next call or message 'this Thursday can we start making it 6 ish when you arrive? My Thursday afternoon work diary is a bit stressful with meetings and I find it easier to deal with if I have the house to myself. I know you're quiet, but somehow I cope with the work much better if the house is empty'

Hi everyone, thanks again for the advice. I think the point a couple of people made about me internalising her anxiety/finding it triggering hit the nail on the head. I feel really tense having her in the house and I guess that’s something I need to try and work on (I just wish she would get some help too as her anxiety totally overwhelms her sometimes).

Just to address a few questions that have come up:

-Unfortunately moving closer by isn’t an option. She lives in a small house in the town where she grew up and the difference in house prices between here and there is quite significant, she wouldn’t be able to afford to buy near here at all. She is lonely but does have a couple of friends in her local area and some extended family so I don’t think she would want to move away from them anyway. I noticed one poster say she hates where she lives, not sure where that came from but she doesn’t hate it, she just prefers our house. Furthermore we don’t plan to be in this area forever (husband’s work has the potential to be all over the place) so I would feel awful asking her to scrape her savings together and move here and we end up moving away from her.

-Re me dropping the kids off with her on a Friday, that just wouldn’t work. I work 9-5 so I would need to have the kids ready to go and in the car for 5am to get there for 7am to get back here for 9am. So I’d be waking them up at 4.30ish- That wouldn’t be fair at all on the them. She also- ironically - has a lot of anxiety about having people in her house as she gets worried about things breaking etc or too much noise being made. Her house is also really small for 2 young children. As I have mentioned before I would much prefer to just organise alternative childcare on Fridays but I think my mum would be really upset by that.

I was considering just saying no to the house sitting but this weekend is one she would normally be here so I feel guilty that she won’t see the kids this Friday as normal and I know part of the reason she offered will be to see them before we leave. It just feels wrong to take that away from her but then I now just feel tense about her turning up at any time on Thursday (might even end up being Wednesday!) while I’m trying to get the house sorted.

I really wasn’t expecting this many replies, thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond.

OP I couldn't cope with anyone in my house all weekend, every weekend and would try to sort out alternative childcare. No matter how much you love someone, you need your home space and privacy

What's your plan, OP?

I think it's clear your mum has done a bit of a number on you and made you feel guilty about ever saying no to her. But it's ok to do that. It's probably not possible to do it without upsetting her though so you'll just need to steel yourself for that.

I think what I would do is just flat out say "mum, it's become too much for me, having you to stay 3 nights every fortnight and come earlier and earlier and stay later and later. If the driving is too much for you, I am happy to sort out childcare so you don't have to do it. I love you and I like spending time with you but it's become too much. What would you prefer? Coming Thursday after 5pm and heading off Saturday morning or for me to book a childminder?"

I would find it too much having someone in my house every single weekend. It’s great she’s helping out but you shouldn’t feel guilty.
id say to her that you are thinking about getting childcare for Friday as it isn’t working anymore.
what the pp @Batatahara has said is good.

Have you considered having a heart to heart with her where you tell her that the doom mongering makes you very unhappy and that it's causing you to feel tense when she visits? If you say it kindly I don't think there's anything wrong with being truthful. I had to tell my mom that she could only send me one "this horrible thing is going to kill us all/make us sick/scam us out of all our savings" article once a month and to remove me from the group chats she has with my aunt about how awful everything is.

If I was in your shoes I think I would try to tell her that you really need your weekends to rest and recharge from the week and spend time with your kids 1-1, so going forward she needs to go home on either Friday night or Saturday morning, whichever the weather looks better for driving.

And then hopefully find a lot of opportunities to make her feel loved and that you're grateful for her.

How old are you children @PandaRose ?

Depending on their ages it could be time to start planning activities on every other Friday that means you mum doesn't need to come over. Don't pitch it as you not wanting her there. Do it more as this is going to be so good for DC.

I completely sympathise with your situation as I've had a similar experience with my own DM.

Would she be able to catch a train you rather than drive? Then she won't need to worry about the weather etc.

I would also preempt her text messages. When you plan her visits you take the lead and send something like.

Hello DM, looking forward to seeing you on Thursday. Absolutely swamped with work so would be good to know arrival time. Shall we say 4pm, that gives me a chance to get myself straight for when you arrive. Look forward to seeing you then!

If you do bring it up with her, she will question your reasons and go on about being quiet and not in anyone's way, you need a prepared response to that. I would suggest something like "you don't have to understand it but it's the way I feel. I am asking you to listen to that. If it doesn't work for you, I can book a childminder.'

Am a bit late to the conversation, but pre covid when my DPs were still travelling they - well mostly DM - were very like this.

I'd invite them over for a weekend - it's an hours drive so it would include at least one or two nights- but DM would always extend it. DS had rugby on and things to do so generally we would be rushing around right up to the point we had asked them to come.

Instead of coming Saturday afternoon they would arrive at 11am and of course expect lunch and then want to leave Monday morning rather than Sunday afternoon, which meant we were trying to get ready for work and school with them around.

It's impossible to say anything - or certainly I never found a way to handle it - because your DM is probably well aware you find it irritating but does it anyway.

I found it difficult because although I love my DPs, they are hard work and expect things to be done in a certain way. I'm sure my DM did it to be closer to me and spend more time together, but it kind of has the opposite effect because I need my own space after a certain amount of time.

I'm sorry I was a bit snarky to you before, OP. You seem kind and thoughtful, and this is a tricky situation. I hope you find a resolution that works for both you and your mum.

Don't link the issues of her anxiety and her overstaying her welcome together. One is about her, and the other is about what you need. If you connect the two, the conversation will be much harder.

I was wondering, if you can’t reduce the amount of time she is there, whether you could try speaking to her about the impact she is having on you when she shares her anxieties? Something like, “Mum, we love having you here and you’re wonderful with the kids, but I’ve recently realised that when you share with me comments about crime and people being ill, it makes me feel really anxious and spoils our time together. I know you don’t want to stress me out, so could you please stop telling me these things? “
Then when she does, you can intervene and gently say “Mum - this is the kind of thing I was telling you is making me stressed. Tell me something positive instead”. You may be able to break the habit - and it might even help her anxiety too! Good luck.