Mum making herself too at home

[PandaRose]

Firstly, apologies for the essay… Hoping you can all tell me if this is really irritating behaviour or if I am being totally unreasonable!

My mum is single and in her 60s and lives a couple of hours drive away. She is a very anxious person about a variety of things and it often makes me feel anxious just being around her because she will get herself into such a state about something like traffic or work and will relay it all in such a way that really puts me on edge.

Because of this I try to politely minimise spending too much time with her but I don’t confront her about it as I think that would make her feel more anxious/upset her which I don’t want to do. She is also very helpful with my kids and looks after them on a semi regular basis.

The thing that’s getting me down at the minute is the amount of time she spends at my house.

A few years ago when she first started looking after my kids for me on alternating Fridays, she would ask if she could come over Thursday night and stay over (fine with me as the drive is quite far and as I mentioned before she’s an anxious driver). But it’s started to become that she would turn up earlier and earlier on a Thursday and now turns up at midday, then will often stay until sat/sun.

She never really directly asks, it just starts to creep earlier and earlier. She will often last minute say she has a headache or is too tired to drive or is worried about driving in the rain etc etc. I know part of it is her anxiety but it does feel like she picks and choose the anxiety to excuse her staying as long as possible.

What I find particularly annoying is she will semi ‘ask’ by saying something like ‘do you mind if I come a bit earlier on Thursday due to X’, but the ‘do I mind’ is totally redundant as if I say yes I’ve got a busy day at work (I WFH) or yes I’ve got to pick the kids up she responds with ‘don’t worry I’ll let myself in and sit downstairs quietly’ or ‘I can pick them up’ etc etc.

When she’s here she is helpful around the house and doesn’t expect to be hosted etc but this also irritates me as she almost makes herself TOO at home… immediately letting herself in with her set of keys and then making herself cups of tea etc. My husband thinks this is fine as she is quiet and just gets on with things (his parents would insist on us getting the silver service out and waiting on them but that’s a whole other issue!)

My AIBU is she is going to house sit for us this weekend as we’re going away on Friday. Just had the standard text of ‘do you mind if I come Thursday lunchtime to avoid rush hour on the road’. Bear in mind we both live quite rurally and rush hour isn’t really a thing! The roads may be slightly busier but it’s not like we’re in central london. When I said I wasnt sure as I had a busy work day on Thursday (and I’ll be packing, washing etc and generally stressing before holiday with kids!) she said she would let herself in and be quiet.

I don’t know what to do as she is doing me a favour by house sitting and is generally very helpful with my kids. But I also don’t want her to show up at midday (or earlier!!) on Thursday while I’m trying to work and get my life sorted.

My husband things I’m being unreasonable because she won’t interrupt me and will just sit downstairs quietly reading/drinking tea but just the thought of her being in my house when I’ve got stuff to do really frustrates me and puts me on edge! AIBU or am I just an awful person?!

I think this really depends on your relationship with your mum as this wouldn’t bother me at all.

Actually make an effort?😅

Why would anyone think it was acceptable to invite themselves to house-sit without being asked or even told it's needed?

Everyone seems to be conveniently ignoring the fact that OP does object but her mum ignores her and does what she likes anyway.

I wonder if everyone would be so quick to defend the behaviour if it was a mother in law behaving like this?

I agree completely
The op just wants to treat her mum like a paid servant, nanny, housekeeper and house sitter.
If I were her husband (who does sound nice) I would lose all respect for her.

She sounds a really lovely Mum, she is helping you out, doesn't interfere and gets on with your oh. She sounds lonely and really misses you. I would love my mum to be here and to stay here.

Your DH sounds lovely. You, not so much

So you don't want her around unless it's to give you free childcare?

Just read the update
Would you really expect your mum to drive home on Saturday in bad weather rather than just stay an extra night?

The OP doesn’t even want childcare and would prefer to sort out alternative childcare! The OP doesn’t want a house sitter and didn’t ask for it to happen.

Your mum sounds a bit like my MIL-gives you things you don’t want and didn’t ask for and wants you to be grateful for them even though you would rather not have had them!

If her mum hadn't already stayed for two nights uninvited it probably wouldn't be an issue 🤷‍♀️

My DDs call it lingering, I've been guilty of it and my childfree sister certainly is. You are entitled to enjoy your house and choose when people are in it. The house sitting shouldn't have happened, it's feeding into her anxiety and not allowing her to have to build a life in her own home. I've seen this get worse and come their 70's, they've lost the resources to do anything about it. There's a level of choose about staying single and not building at least a hobby group. I have a neighbour rather than enjoy the time he does spend with family and be grateful (some of his friends have had infertility, children die, no GC etc) he sees it as something negative because it has to come to an end. OP you need to help her by saying no, or she'll move in by stealth. I say that as a GM who does childcare, but respect my DD's right to a private life.

Sympathies OP. My DM is very similar.

We used to live quite close to each other so she would pop in and out which worked well. Little and often was nice, especially as it gave her an opportunity to see DC.

When we moved further away any visits became stays which grew longer and longer. So like you if she was supposed to come on a Tuesday that would somehow become Sunday.

That then progressed to being told she was coming to stay without even checking if we were free. Also refusing to give us an arrival time on agreed dates "because she has a key".

Like you I felt bad about finding alternative childcare because I know she loves seeing DC.

In the end I was quite blunt and started saying no to being told when she was coming, told her to stop letting herself in as DH could be walking around naked for all she knew and found someone local to do a few hours of babysitting.

It's put things back on a more even keel for us. I love her dearly but was becoming resentful at having my home treated like a hotel

I'm nearly as old as ok mum.
If I were babysitting for my daughter who lives 2 hours away I wouldn't be driving home after a full day of looking after the grandchildren, nor would I be getting up at the crack of dawn to get there on the Friday.
Lets face it. This arrangement started to suit the op and presumably save her money on childcare fees. The children are probably getting older now, op can afford the extra childcare, so her mum can be discarded

@Flopsythebunny then if the mum doesn't want to drive she can always refuse to come at all 🤷‍♀️

My IL - mainly MIL is like this we just had a weekend visit that lasted 5 days - just Kept getting longer - DH had taken time off for expected time only to have it increase. This time of year though with kids off and around it's easier to accommodate - and where I can I do.

However DH has been known to head into office to make point he working those days and kids have to be at their schooling - so more than a few times I've been expect to adjust and entertain last morning or day. If I can't I will say and they are usually fine.

So my advice travel to her you can control timings better, go into office if working few times to make point you are working those days, say no and offer compromises in future or just say sorry that doesn't suit us - broken record - and stick to it.

I would let her stay a couple of nights but make it monthly perhaps by sourcing alternate childcare. Do you spend anytime with her outside this arrangement? If she wasn't staying so often (out of necessity) you might feel less irritated by it all generally

Your mum sounds a bit like my MIL-gives you things you don’t want and didn’t ask for and wants you to be grateful for them even though you would rather not have had them

Yes! I think this sums it up. If you don't know anyone who behaves like that, then it's hard to see why it's so frustrating.

On the surface it all looks lovely and helpful - a nice mum providing free childcare and house-sitting. But OP doesn't actually want those things so it's not particularly helpful or lovely, really.

@andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow Why would anyone think it was acceptable to invite themselves to house-sit without being asked or even told it's needed?

Anyone can ask what they like though. It's up to the person being asked to say no.

Mum: oh you are going away, can I stay in your house while you are gone?
Daughter: no, I don't want anyone in the house when I'm not here.

Easy Peasy

Your mum sounds a bit like my MIL-gives you things you don’t want and didn’t ask for and wants you to be grateful for them even though you would rather not have had them

I recognise this as well - and complete obliviousness that the favour frequently costs you time and money and then find out they've massively exaggerated what they did to all acquaintances and how helpful it all was.

It helps to find a way to manage and head the behaviour off and once you can do that most of the time it also gets less irritating and easier to deal with even the occasions they mange to blindside you or railroad you.

She really does sound very lonely and I think you need to have a conversation with her before you find out she's moved in by stealth.

What do you think of the idea of suggesting she moves nearer? It would mean she'd have much less of an excuse to avoid going home

I think that’s unfair of your Dh, to be honest. He should have said to them, ‘I need to work, the kids need to go to school and DP needs to get on’ -do you want some sandwiches for the journey home? Just expecting you to adjust your plans for his parents is unreasonable.

@Shinyandnew1 me too but DH does struggle to say no to his parents which has improved over the years but it's a pick your battle thing TBH -both with me raising it with DH and DH managing his parents.

Yes to this.

My mother's speciality is asking me whether I want her to bring food to my house, when I say no thank you, doing it anyway, bringing half a meal, then making me sort out the other elements, and complaining that I am insufficiently grateful for something I didn't want and actively inconvenienced me. She is also a really terrible cook so it's not even nice food!

Oh they do - Lucy Letby is a serial killer because she's an only child.