Mum making herself too at home

[PandaRose]

Firstly, apologies for the essay… Hoping you can all tell me if this is really irritating behaviour or if I am being totally unreasonable!

My mum is single and in her 60s and lives a couple of hours drive away. She is a very anxious person about a variety of things and it often makes me feel anxious just being around her because she will get herself into such a state about something like traffic or work and will relay it all in such a way that really puts me on edge.

Because of this I try to politely minimise spending too much time with her but I don’t confront her about it as I think that would make her feel more anxious/upset her which I don’t want to do. She is also very helpful with my kids and looks after them on a semi regular basis.

The thing that’s getting me down at the minute is the amount of time she spends at my house.

A few years ago when she first started looking after my kids for me on alternating Fridays, she would ask if she could come over Thursday night and stay over (fine with me as the drive is quite far and as I mentioned before she’s an anxious driver). But it’s started to become that she would turn up earlier and earlier on a Thursday and now turns up at midday, then will often stay until sat/sun.

She never really directly asks, it just starts to creep earlier and earlier. She will often last minute say she has a headache or is too tired to drive or is worried about driving in the rain etc etc. I know part of it is her anxiety but it does feel like she picks and choose the anxiety to excuse her staying as long as possible.

What I find particularly annoying is she will semi ‘ask’ by saying something like ‘do you mind if I come a bit earlier on Thursday due to X’, but the ‘do I mind’ is totally redundant as if I say yes I’ve got a busy day at work (I WFH) or yes I’ve got to pick the kids up she responds with ‘don’t worry I’ll let myself in and sit downstairs quietly’ or ‘I can pick them up’ etc etc.

When she’s here she is helpful around the house and doesn’t expect to be hosted etc but this also irritates me as she almost makes herself TOO at home… immediately letting herself in with her set of keys and then making herself cups of tea etc. My husband thinks this is fine as she is quiet and just gets on with things (his parents would insist on us getting the silver service out and waiting on them but that’s a whole other issue!)

My AIBU is she is going to house sit for us this weekend as we’re going away on Friday. Just had the standard text of ‘do you mind if I come Thursday lunchtime to avoid rush hour on the road’. Bear in mind we both live quite rurally and rush hour isn’t really a thing! The roads may be slightly busier but it’s not like we’re in central london. When I said I wasnt sure as I had a busy work day on Thursday (and I’ll be packing, washing etc and generally stressing before holiday with kids!) she said she would let herself in and be quiet.

I don’t know what to do as she is doing me a favour by house sitting and is generally very helpful with my kids. But I also don’t want her to show up at midday (or earlier!!) on Thursday while I’m trying to work and get my life sorted.

My husband things I’m being unreasonable because she won’t interrupt me and will just sit downstairs quietly reading/drinking tea but just the thought of her being in my house when I’ve got stuff to do really frustrates me and puts me on edge! AIBU or am I just an awful person?!

Change the locks. That will sort her.

Your mother is in a better frame of mind to look after your children when she has had a little rest... and the best thing for her about seeing your children is probably seeing you.

You could be prescriptive about not arriving until lunch time, please, this Thursday if you wanted but don't be anything but kind.

Your mother is a Godsend. If she stays a night before Friday child care and the Friday night then your mother is looking after herself. She is also seeing you and she's getting on in age. Do you ever just have a girly catch up with your Mum? The worst thing would be if she behaved like she wasn't tired and drove home and had a car accident.

I understand that this feels really tricky OP. On one hand, she is travelling a considerable distance to help you and there should probably be some give and take around when it suits her to do the drive. However, I know from an experience with a relative that the more I gave, the more they would take and boundaries were really important. As an introverted person, I will.never feel as peaceful and rested as I could when we have a guest staying. My father in law comes for stays of a few weeks at a time. He isn't really any trouble, and we are very welcoming to him but it feels like a little weight has lifted when he goes.
Also, your mum is only in her 60s, not 2 decades older! Hopefully she will live for many years yet and I would probably be interested in helping her establishing some more activities and relationships to reduce any loneliness.
I think you need to ponder on what would suit you. I suspect you could manage the Thursday lunch until Saturday morning if you knew that was the arrangement and there would be no further creep on timings? Once you have figured that out, maybe you could review the arrangements with your mum and have a conversation. It might be that you agree to a longer stay, but with more defined boundaries? Is it also worth considering whether a move closer would work? Good luck, I hope you are able to sort this in a way that feels good for you all.

This is the price of free childcare. My dps take the kids for a week in the school holidays but stay all weekend and I usually end up taking them out to dinner. My dad isn't the easiest house guest.

I think you just suck up the arriving early and then make plans so that you can ask her to leave on Saturday. Invite friends for Sunday lunch or use the babysitter opportunity to go out Saturday night

She has anxiety and she's still willing to drive for two hours each way, to help you out.

Anxiety is a real problem for her and will have a huge negative impact on her life - it's not something she's doing to piss you off and your irritation is at best unkind. I bet it's so hard for her to get in that car every other Thursday and she might need the couple of days before she can face doing it again.

You basically want her to magically appear when you need something from her and fuck off out of your life when you don't!

Think back to holding your tiny newborn babies and all the love you feel for them and now imagine them in the future speaking about you, the way you are speaking about your poor mum!

I understand OP why this is making you uncomfortable. We all need a different level of privacy and interacting with people.
I wonder if your Mum could go out for a walk or something instead of sitting in the living room while you work. That would actually make me anxious too.

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP.

Just because we love our parents doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to set some boundaries from time to time, or want to relax in our own homes at the weekends without a guest there.

I would feel suffocated having my mother staying for three days a fortnight too - even though I love her dearly.

What seems clear though is that this extended visit is effectively the ‘price’ your mum is charging you for the childcare she provides. She doesn’t want your money but she does want your family’s companionship in return - even if she won’t say so directly. It’s up to you as to whether that’s a price you’re willing to pay - or whether you’d rather have a different arrangement where you have more control but pay cash to a childcare provider instead.

Unless you want a situation where your mother eventually ends up wanting to move in, I’d be opting for the latter now, and instead making time to spend with your mum when you’re available to have proper quality time together without it feeling like a quid pro quo for free childcare.

Why not use either Friday or Saturday evenings for a night out with dh? I see that it can become annoying,however she is doing you a big favour! Many on here get zero cc from gdp , your dh sounds nice and doesn't mind her coming over.

She's not an old lady though - she's only in her sixties! Plenty of people still work full-time at that age and have school-aged children at home as well.

I'm not sure why people are speaking about her as if she's in her eighties and housebound apart from when she sees her daughter

Honestly I’d love it if my mum did this - childcare and helping round the house every week. I would be more than happy for her to host herself. But you don’t do it needs to be addressed. Can you use the extra overnight stays as childcare too? If she wants to stay Saturday night then say ‘oh great, would you mind if DH and I went out for dinner?’

I understand where you're coming from.

There are lots of people who post about finding it annoying when their husbands WFH unexpectedly so they don't have the house to themselves and they get much more sympathy.

I suspect for you, it's really about the not knowing until the last minute when she is coming, about not feeling like your home is your own space and the uncertainty around when you can stop hosting.

What I would do:

On the Thursday, if you can, I would go into the office, you'll probably just find this less annoying

Sometimes proactively invite her to do something with you on Saturday morning and enjoy the time with her then.

Sometimes plan something that means she has to leave on Friday or first thing Saturday and tell her in advance "btw mum, we're off camping/to see friends" - if you pair it with the above, she won't feel hurt because you are making clear that you do want time with her, but it puts in place a bit of a boundary that she can't expect to just linger till she feels like leaving because I totally get that that is intrusive and difficult.

Is this the only time she sees you all?

If so I can see why she has gradually extended it!

I get where you are coming from Op & I think perhaps you need to say no sometimes.

She sounds infinitely better than your ILs!

My Mum was very easy to get on with-my husband also fnd her much easier than his parents & I can see her doing this.

If it was al going well what difference did an extra few hours/one more day matter.

Obviously no malice intended but also no thought that a busy family might like more time to themselves.

If this is the only time that she sees you all I think I might be more inclined to let it go sometimes.

How much longer is it likely to go on for?

This would bother me, too! I'm surprised at how the voting has gone. Ultimately, no matter how lovely or loved someone is, it is annoying when they overstay (even if they're quiet, you know they're there!).

I do think 3 nights is too much op, but I am the grandparent here. I often miss my dd although she lives fairly nearby. I often look out for her texts but only really receive them when she wants something from me and it makes me sad. She has her own life and I accept that but maybe your dm is lonely. I am not because I have a DH and my two grandsons live with me.

I also look after my two gc's for her once a week or sometimes more and last minute as well. I always make myself available. Your dm sounds lovely and when you are by yourself sometimes you do get anxious about minor matters. I have lost confidence in my driving too. I look back and I was impatient with my dm which I feel guilty about now but believe me she was super high maintenance compared with what you describe. I think your DH has it right.

Your mum sounds lovely. Things like making herself tea- I think that’s absolutely fine and actually thoughtful of her not to be a demanding guest (I’m assuming you’re not actually begrudging her a cup of tea)- I much prefer it when guests are like this. I also think arriving on Thursday and leaving Saturday morning is very reasonable given that it’s a long drive. If you’re not happy with that, I think you need to stop relying on her for childcare at all.

I can see that staying until Sunday is an issue. Would it work just to say “sorry, mum, but we’ve got a really hectic weekend- we’re off to X at 10 on Saturday so will you be ok for the drive home by then?” Then on other weekends maybe actually invite her to stay and make a positive thing of it, so it doesn’t just become the norm that she hangs about.

Morning everyone, really wasn’t expecting so many replies on this so just trying to wade through them! Not sure if many people will see this comment but will try and clarify a few points:

My mum’s anxiety is a lot to do with taking on bad news and feeding it back to people if that makes sense. So yes, she will sit downstairs quietly while I’m working but as soon as I come down it’s a fairly relentless stream of ‘did you hear about the burgarly at X?’ ‘Did you know X has just got cancer?’ Etc etc. So I find that part of it really draining. She is endlessly worried about everything especially crime in the local area. I just find that really tough to listen to. I have asked her to see a therapist a few times about her anxiety and she has point blank refused.

I will keep looking into the suggestion of more groups etc in her local area. I have tried before to get her to join a local book club but she didn’t end up liking the people and didn’t continue with it. It is a good suggestion though so I will have another look at what is around.

Re childcare, she absolutely loves her Fridays with my kids and it’s not me using her as a way to avoid paying a childminder - if I asked her not to do Fridays anymore I know she would be devastated.

I know a lot of people have suggested getting a childminder and seeing her other times. My concern there would be that she wouldn’t see the kids as much (as we work full time and often have weekend plans). Also if she started coming for weekends instead of Fridays I feel like that would creep into her staying weeks at a time which I just wouldn’t be able to cope with mentally.

Re the house sitting, I guess I wasn’t clear but I didn’t want my original post to be even longer than it already is! She asked if she could house sit while we are away (for a number of reasons, mainly that she is genuinely worried about crime in this area, but also she prefers our house as it’s bigger, close to the sea, has more amenities etc around). We don’t have pets so don’t need a house sitter. In retrospect I should have just said no as I suppose it was clear in hindsight that that would mean her staying both before and after our trip away. I just really like my own space and especially before/after a holiday when the house is a tip!

Appreciate people’s advice on setting boundaries too. I am just quite worried about upsetting her. So a conversation will often go:

her: ‘would you mind if I stayed until Sunday because the weather looks bad on Saturday for driving?’
Me: ‘I’m afraid we do have plans on Saturday’

her ‘that’s ok I can just stay in the house while you’re out’

And from there I wouldn’t want to tell her she has to leave as I wouldn’t want to upset her. But it’s really hard when she always asks ‘do you mind’ but when the answer is yes, it doesn’t make a difference to what she does anyway.

Anyway sorry for the further ramble and genuinely appreciate the advice on this post, it has definitely given me a different perspective.

Your poor mum.
Pay someone OP

I get it OP. Your mum is spending almost a quarter of the time in your home and pushes for this uninvited .

The constant anxiety and just sitting like a mouse drinking tea when I’m busy would put me on edge.

I think you’ll have to sort out other childcare so that your mum isn’t spending 3/14 nights in your home.

I can see why she wants to drive over when it suits her and there's no issue making a cup of tea.

I can understand that it's a bit annoying if you are working from home and there is somebody busying themselves about the place - it is a distraction, even if they are doing you a favour! Can you use a co-working hub anywhere close by or go into your office on those days?

Why do you need a housesitter for a weekend?

This would drive me mad as well-you don’t need a house sitter, you didn’t ask for a house sitter, she’s just decided that she’s going to do it anyway! Sounds like she’s spending half the week at yours most weeks! Is she angling to be asked to move in, do you think?

I sort of suspected this from your original post but the update makes it really clear that she is quite a difficult person.

It is obnoxious to ask someone if they mind you staying and then not listen when they say they do.

What do you think is behind it? With my mother, I think it's about control and not wanting to acknowledge me as an adult who is in charge of their own house.

Haven't read the whole thread, but I think to raise the issue with your mother is acting from concern for her.

She sounds as if she is physically well. I'm in my 60s and for me and my circle of friends this is a time of opportunity.

As we retire it's a chance to study, socialise and travel. People are involved in groups like the U3A. They walk garden, sing in choirs, go to concerts and galleries. There's an opportunity to make new friendships, which may - as people become a little less active - also become a network of support.

Instead your mother appears to have little to do on the days when she's not offered you childcare. So she comes to your house and just sits quietly, making cups of tea.

It seems likely that a GP would offer help - eg CBT - with the anxiety, and you could support her in managing this condition. As someone said, upthread, it may be better for you children to be taken care of by somebody who is more confident and cheerful.

Because childcare is expensive and it is good for children to form close relationships with their grandparent, I quite understand why you've continued with this arrangement. But maybe if your mother's anxiety - and the way it makes her behave - makes you really unhappy, it is time to look at alternative childcare arrangements. Particularly if she is unwilling to admit that her anxiety is a problem.

This 100%

Your mum sounds lovely but lonely and you're coming across as entitled and awful.

I'd give anything to have my lovely mum back and sitting quietly downstairs drinking tea and helping me out, so be careful what you wish for.

Wtf is that supposed to mean? I didn't know people still thought like this. 🙄

I can't imagine feeling this aggravated that your mum feels too at home in your house and is comfortable making herself cups of tea??!