Mum making herself too at home

[PandaRose]

Firstly, apologies for the essay… Hoping you can all tell me if this is really irritating behaviour or if I am being totally unreasonable!

My mum is single and in her 60s and lives a couple of hours drive away. She is a very anxious person about a variety of things and it often makes me feel anxious just being around her because she will get herself into such a state about something like traffic or work and will relay it all in such a way that really puts me on edge.

Because of this I try to politely minimise spending too much time with her but I don’t confront her about it as I think that would make her feel more anxious/upset her which I don’t want to do. She is also very helpful with my kids and looks after them on a semi regular basis.

The thing that’s getting me down at the minute is the amount of time she spends at my house.

A few years ago when she first started looking after my kids for me on alternating Fridays, she would ask if she could come over Thursday night and stay over (fine with me as the drive is quite far and as I mentioned before she’s an anxious driver). But it’s started to become that she would turn up earlier and earlier on a Thursday and now turns up at midday, then will often stay until sat/sun.

She never really directly asks, it just starts to creep earlier and earlier. She will often last minute say she has a headache or is too tired to drive or is worried about driving in the rain etc etc. I know part of it is her anxiety but it does feel like she picks and choose the anxiety to excuse her staying as long as possible.

What I find particularly annoying is she will semi ‘ask’ by saying something like ‘do you mind if I come a bit earlier on Thursday due to X’, but the ‘do I mind’ is totally redundant as if I say yes I’ve got a busy day at work (I WFH) or yes I’ve got to pick the kids up she responds with ‘don’t worry I’ll let myself in and sit downstairs quietly’ or ‘I can pick them up’ etc etc.

When she’s here she is helpful around the house and doesn’t expect to be hosted etc but this also irritates me as she almost makes herself TOO at home… immediately letting herself in with her set of keys and then making herself cups of tea etc. My husband thinks this is fine as she is quiet and just gets on with things (his parents would insist on us getting the silver service out and waiting on them but that’s a whole other issue!)

My AIBU is she is going to house sit for us this weekend as we’re going away on Friday. Just had the standard text of ‘do you mind if I come Thursday lunchtime to avoid rush hour on the road’. Bear in mind we both live quite rurally and rush hour isn’t really a thing! The roads may be slightly busier but it’s not like we’re in central london. When I said I wasnt sure as I had a busy work day on Thursday (and I’ll be packing, washing etc and generally stressing before holiday with kids!) she said she would let herself in and be quiet.

I don’t know what to do as she is doing me a favour by house sitting and is generally very helpful with my kids. But I also don’t want her to show up at midday (or earlier!!) on Thursday while I’m trying to work and get my life sorted.

My husband things I’m being unreasonable because she won’t interrupt me and will just sit downstairs quietly reading/drinking tea but just the thought of her being in my house when I’ve got stuff to do really frustrates me and puts me on edge! AIBU or am I just an awful person?!

it often makes me feel anxious just being around her because she will get herself into such a state about something like traffic or work and will relay it all in such a way that really puts me on edge

I wonder if you are also quite an anxious person? Maybe work on your own anxiety and how your Mum’s behaviour triggers that in you.

It sounds like she likes being with you and your family, they like seeing her, she’s helpful and otherwise very little bother. Try to see the positives a bit more, and work out what you could do to handle whatever it is about her being there that puts you on edge better.

Sorry OP but you're coming across as a spoilt brat to me! You want your lovely Mum to help out with the children, and look after your house for you when you need her to, and yet you begrudge her spending a minute over your allotted time to do these tasks for you. If you were paying her, and she was making the job last longer to earn more money, I could perhaps understand your attitude, but effectively you are just using the one person in your life who has always has and always will love you unconditionally, without any real concern for her feelings or wellbeing at all. When she is no longer with you, I hope that you bitterly regret the way you treat her, because in my view you should be ashamed of yourself. As for begrudging her making herself the odd cup of tea .......... I can't find words to express how mean that is. I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

"When she’s here she is helpful around the house and doesn’t expect to be hosted etc but this also irritates me as she almost makes herself TOO at home… immediately letting herself in with her set of keys and then making herself cups of tea etc. My husband thinks this is fine as she is quiet and just gets on with things (his parents would insist on us getting the silver service out and waiting on them but that’s a whole other issue!)"

Can't really win, can she?

OP’s mum stays every other weekend, not every weekend.

I'm also wondering if suggesting she moves closer would be a good solution?

Yip you're definitely coming across as unreasonable and ungrateful. Your mum sounds lonely and as if she finds ypur home a place of solace. You say shes great with your kids, does pickups, pulls her weight, is unobtrusive - so whats the problem. You mention that she's anxious - maybe not the easiest of company but do you not actually like her - is there a back story?

I had a pretty difficult relationship with my Mum. She died 14 years ago before my kids were born. Despite the difficulties I would saw off my right arm to have her back in my and my kids lives.

I hope your mum is in here and reads this, then you might see just how much help she gave you and how ungrateful you were when she doesn’t bother

But ideally you would like her to drive in the morning and leave in the evening? Therefore doing 4hrs driving in a short space of time. I think expecting someone to do this is highly unreasonable, that's before you add in the anxious driver bit. Find a way to deal with your frustrations. I understand why she grates, but these are disproportionate feelings.

This is very blunt but 100% accurate OP

You don't have to physically be 'doing anything'. She's there uninvited. That's enough, but in addition to that she has totally disregarded someone else's feelings. That's disrespectful.

Ideally I think OP would yes, but she recognises that would be selfish so thinks coming over Thursday evening and leaving Friday evening is reasonable. Leaving Saturday morning is a compromise. Coming over Thursday afternoon and leaving Sunday is a step too far and unnecessary and unwelcome.

This has reminded me of my own now departed mother. She grew increasingly anxious and was wanting to actually move in with me in the end (despite the fact we ended up living in different parts of the world!). She was a nice person but the anxiety got out of hand and it's very hard to deal with. However, and I really wish I had known about this at the time, she was developing an overactive thyroid, and pretty much all her symptoms were down to that. It went undiagnosed for a long, long time. This is really a cautionary tale that sometimes the anxiety may be due to a physiological reason.

I do think your mother is feeling lonely (mine certainly was) - it's really the anxiety that is causing you stress, I totally get that. Really she needs help with her anxiety and a check up to make sure it's not caused by something like her thyroid.

Nothing in your posts explained the reason why it's bothering you so much.

Is it impacting on:
your marraige/sex life?
your children's behaviour?
your household income?
your ability to relax?
your anxiety about caring for her when she's elderly?

Is there a back story of bad blood between you and your mum,?

There's a reason it's bothering you so much and you need to find out what it really is.

I thought you were going to say she was reorganising your kitchen or something OP, she's only making a cuppa! I can see how the 3 day stay might be pushing it a bit but I think it's tricky if she's doing childcare/housesitting etc as you do risk sounding ungrateful if you raise it. How would she respond to a gentle 'mum, we love having you here but all weekend every weekend is a bit much' type conversation do you think?

do you give her any sort of compensation for the childcare or at least the petrol cost? it could be that she is financially struggling and being at yours allows her to save some money? which she might need for the petrol... or buying little presents for your DC

This is in your power to stop though. She doesn't have to pick up the kids extra on Thurs (I bet you let her though) and look after them Fri, do stuff around the house (again, I bet she does this). I wonder if you let her do stuff on Sat as well? She's also been doing this for several years which is a LOT of childcare for you. If you don't want her to do childcare and be more part of the family, then you can easily stop this. Just find an alternative for Fridays, and invite her once a month for two days or whatever you think would be better.

This is not some situation in which you are powerless, make up an excuse (if the kids are a bit older now, how many I wonder? At least two, three) and say they don't need childcare on Fris/have a club and then renegotiate from there.

All her reasons for not wanting to drive- rain, headache, tired, are reasons I struggle with driving, but I am tireder than the average person, I wonder if that's the case with your mum as well. I would find 2 hours there and back every second weekend a bit much for me.

As someone said, she's irritating you and no-one else seemingly, so what's going on? Why can't you change things?

Your Mum is in her 60s. Her night vision would have deteriorated a lot. I imagine this is the reason she would not wish to travel down Thursday evening and leave Friday evening. The glare from on coming traffic would seriously prevent her seeing the road. Many older people will not drive in the dark for this reason.
she is doing you a massive favour and you don’t seem to like her very much. It seems she irritates you. I wonder if she senses this and that makes her anxious.
I always let myself in my Mum’s house with my set of keys and get up to make a cuppa when I please. Don’t you?

@TherebytheGraceofGodgoI I don't drive at night if I can help it and my mum who is in her 70's never does.

i think coming earlier on the Thursday isn’t so bad. More the time over the weekend, so you loose your family time over the weekend,

Can you start having plans at the weekend, so it’s not convenient. Or encourage her to do some clubs etc. Buy her beginner golf lessons for her birthday?

So she fine coming around when you need her free labour but otherwise she can piss off.

Indeed😉just pay for childcare.

2 hours is really a lot for an anxious driver. I'd be inclined to interpret this as her driving anxiety increasing- she wants the journey to you over and done, she wants the journey home postponed.

Can you suggest an alternative regular way to see her that doesn't involve her driving so much, and get alternative childcare booked?

Yabvu indeed to be irritated that she’s making herself a cup of tea! She’s coming a long way to provide free childcare for you, and also be there for her grandchildren and you begrudge her making herself a cup of tea?! Wow.

If she’s doing so much to help you out it can’t be all on your terms, OP. Either lump it (and try to be more gracious and kind towards your mother who is helping you out so much) or pay someone to do it for you.

I feel very sorry for your mum here and hope she never finds out how you really feel.

I'm in a similar predicament, my mum comes daily now just for an hour, I'm grateful for when she babysits and helps out but I just find it suffocating, it never used to be like this. My guilt is coming from that she is being kind and useful but I just don't want the daily or even a few times a week visits. It's a confusing, contradictory feeling. I know what you mean I just need my space and independence, I also value her help, but now she's an old woman it's just a difficult balancing act. Don't know what to advise, I've made negative' tones' when she says can I come over, she even picked up on it, but she still comes, I think she wants to escape my dad who needs daily care, but she only seems to zone into me, she needs friends or hobbies, other outlets but is over 80. I don't think you're being unreasonable, it's a real sensitive predicament.

Pay someone else to mind your children and house sit.

How does that idea sound?