Mum making herself too at home

[PandaRose]

Firstly, apologies for the essay… Hoping you can all tell me if this is really irritating behaviour or if I am being totally unreasonable!

My mum is single and in her 60s and lives a couple of hours drive away. She is a very anxious person about a variety of things and it often makes me feel anxious just being around her because she will get herself into such a state about something like traffic or work and will relay it all in such a way that really puts me on edge.

Because of this I try to politely minimise spending too much time with her but I don’t confront her about it as I think that would make her feel more anxious/upset her which I don’t want to do. She is also very helpful with my kids and looks after them on a semi regular basis.

The thing that’s getting me down at the minute is the amount of time she spends at my house.

A few years ago when she first started looking after my kids for me on alternating Fridays, she would ask if she could come over Thursday night and stay over (fine with me as the drive is quite far and as I mentioned before she’s an anxious driver). But it’s started to become that she would turn up earlier and earlier on a Thursday and now turns up at midday, then will often stay until sat/sun.

She never really directly asks, it just starts to creep earlier and earlier. She will often last minute say she has a headache or is too tired to drive or is worried about driving in the rain etc etc. I know part of it is her anxiety but it does feel like she picks and choose the anxiety to excuse her staying as long as possible.

What I find particularly annoying is she will semi ‘ask’ by saying something like ‘do you mind if I come a bit earlier on Thursday due to X’, but the ‘do I mind’ is totally redundant as if I say yes I’ve got a busy day at work (I WFH) or yes I’ve got to pick the kids up she responds with ‘don’t worry I’ll let myself in and sit downstairs quietly’ or ‘I can pick them up’ etc etc.

When she’s here she is helpful around the house and doesn’t expect to be hosted etc but this also irritates me as she almost makes herself TOO at home… immediately letting herself in with her set of keys and then making herself cups of tea etc. My husband thinks this is fine as she is quiet and just gets on with things (his parents would insist on us getting the silver service out and waiting on them but that’s a whole other issue!)

My AIBU is she is going to house sit for us this weekend as we’re going away on Friday. Just had the standard text of ‘do you mind if I come Thursday lunchtime to avoid rush hour on the road’. Bear in mind we both live quite rurally and rush hour isn’t really a thing! The roads may be slightly busier but it’s not like we’re in central london. When I said I wasnt sure as I had a busy work day on Thursday (and I’ll be packing, washing etc and generally stressing before holiday with kids!) she said she would let herself in and be quiet.

I don’t know what to do as she is doing me a favour by house sitting and is generally very helpful with my kids. But I also don’t want her to show up at midday (or earlier!!) on Thursday while I’m trying to work and get my life sorted.

My husband things I’m being unreasonable because she won’t interrupt me and will just sit downstairs quietly reading/drinking tea but just the thought of her being in my house when I’ve got stuff to do really frustrates me and puts me on edge! AIBU or am I just an awful person?!

Your mum sounds very lonely. Is there a way to address this? Could she move nearer to you. Could she live with you? I’d have had my mum or MIL to live with me or stay over when ever they wanted but I know it’s not for everyone.

Good lord, just how ungrateful can you get (needs shaking head emoji)

As it's every other week I think YABU. And if you sorted alternative childcare I think you would break her heart, it sounds like she finds comfort with you and your family

She sounds lovely and potters about quietly and is a big help to you and your husband has no issue with her. I would give anything to have my mum so appreciate her while you have her. Do you have anxiety yourself and get overwhelmed. I know life is busy and work, children but she sounds so helpful and does not expect any fuss, you are so lucky to have her and it probably means a lot to her to feel wanted as she must get lonely and remember all the times she was there for you and all she has done for you. Just enjoy your few days away and the children probably love having her there. Nicer than having a stranger in your home looking after your children and when you read the awful stories on here about parents you really are blessed.

Yes definitely make plans and articulate to her in advance what time you will be leaving for those. Seeing friends or tickets for things might be best rather than eg bowling which she could easily join.

On the Thursdays, personally I'd find this irritating too. I was struck that you feel you need to give a reason, which she then overrides. So I'd be less specific. When she says can I come early on Thurs you just say "so sorry, that won't work, any time after 4 would be great"

(But PS she does sound lonely.)

Please don't default to making the incredibly insulting generalisation that all only children are like the OP.

maybe you can pick her up and drive her home. Then you have more control.

Alternative, cut the coming over all together.

Organise paid childcare if it’s inconvenient for you.

I just think you need to say No, it's not convenient to arrive early or stay extra days after babysitting. You don't want to get in a situation where you are resenting your lovely mum from babysitting and overstaying. Make up reasons why she has to depart after Saturday breakfast or not arrive until suppertime on Thursday. She will get used to it, but more importantly you will look forward to the visits rather than resenting them.

I get what you are saying. Having visitors (even your mum) makes the house less relaxing. You have to talk to her/ entertain her to some extent or you are being rude. It's reasonable to want to chill in your own home.

But she sounds lovely and lonely so it seems mean to resent her presence.
Does she have much going on out side of childcare? If no can you encourage her to socialise more? Join a WI or a book club etc.

You have 3 options-

Carry on and accept the situation. - nice for her but not much help for you.

Find alternative childcare- if you are her only support and this is her time with her grandkids this could be really hurtful for her.

Tell her stopping 2-3 nights is a bit much and give her arrival/departure times. - it may offend her though as she's the one doing you the favour.

I don’t understand really - you’re getting all this free childcare and help but she bothers you by sitting quietly drinking tea. Do you not actually like her on some level? There must be some reason we’re missing that you’re feeling like this about her

She sits quietly drinking tea, doesn’t bother you and expects very little? Unless there is some backstory as to why you dislike her, YABU.

I understand too OP. I find it hard to WFH if someone is in the house, especially if they are “waiting” for me. My mum would also prefer to arrive in the morning rather than at 4pm. She does provide help but needs my guidance to do so, like will want me to give her a shopping list when I’ve already got an online shop so I end up having to think of new things.
I’m at the stage now where the only “help” I would value is childcare, and now the DC entertain themselves it’s more like babysitting. So my mum does feel at a loose end as there isn’t really much for her to do, so I end up feeling bad and like I need to think of things for her to do. I also feel bad as the DC aren’t at the cute “performing” stage of being preschoolers and they also like their own space. I think that’s the issue for me, if someone is in my house (whoever it is) then I feel responsible for their entertainment even if they have said they’re happy to stay out of the way. I know that it’s my issue, but I would find it hard over a 3 day period too, and would prefer just one overnight stay.

Haven't RTFT but why is she house sitting? Do you have pets that need looking after?

You've had lots of replies already so I won't mention all of the same points, but it struck me that your issue is probably less with your Mum and more with the fact that you aren't getting much downtime / time to get on with life in your own house with just your DH and your children. I have a similar situation with one of my parents (admittedly it is for less time, but there is no help that comes with it either). Anyway, I haven't worked out how to solve it yet, but it does help me to plan in a few 'busy' afternoons / days where we need to go out at a certain time. Maybe you could do the same and make sure that every few weeks you have somewhere that you all need to be on a Saturday morning so that your Mum leaves a bit earlier on those weekends and you get a bit more time to yourselves.

Well if she enjoys sitting drinking tea she must have a pretty empty life.
I suspect that as she has 3dayscaway each week she will not feel any need to fill her life more. And this will be the highlight of her week.
She needs to do more at home - clubs, church , does she work?
60s is young
Could she volunteer somewhere?

It makes more sense to me that she doesn’t drive and do the childcare all on the same day. So Thursday to Saturday is reasonable. I would try to be a little more understanding of her, especially as she’s sits quietly and doesn’t interfere. Everything becomes much harder and more tiring as you get older and living alone. It seems your DH really values her contribution to your household. Do you feel your dc benefit from having her around? I know mine loved it when granny was staying as part of the household.

She probably doesn't want to sit around waiting on Thurs to drive to your house in the afternoon/evening, she just wants to get on with the day, get where she's going and get there and get settled

Exactly this. I'm quite an anxious driver if it's a fairly long drive on busy roads.
If I've got a two hour drive I like to get up and get on with it and not have it hanging over me all day. Sometimes that's not possible but in this case it is.
She can get it over with and sit quietly not bothering anybody.

My dd lives 30 mins drive away and wfh. Sometimes if her dh has to go into the office for a few days consecutively she'll drive an hour and work from here instead, just to be in different surroundings and to have a bit of coming and going in the background.
She's absolutely fine at home by herself - it's nicer though when there's someone around to take a break with. I love it that she likes to come here too.
There may be an aspect of that. I think Yabu.

I think grin and bear it despite her being hard work

OP didn't say she was hard work. In fact she's saying the opposite.

I wouldn't want my mum staying in my house for three nights every other week either - I love her and she's lovely but it would slowly drive me mad if I knew she'd be there, like clockwork, every other weekend.

But I wouldn't be asking her for free childcare and free house-sitting either - I'd pay someone and let my mum stay home instead of having her do a four-hour round trip to my house twice a month which is what you're doing.

Do you ever drive to see her? Or spend any time with her when she's not had to drive to you for free childcare or house-sitting?

I likely won’t look back on this thread because I’m now that person that points out the evil nasty but I would literally give my right arm for another second with my mum, who was always very helpful, considerate and loving when she was alive. She was my everything and if she spent her days anxious and alone I would certainly never ever argue her wish to come to mine once a week to do me favours. I completely agree with your husband and I’m sure your kids love this time with their nan also. My reply would be entirely different if she came to yours, made a mess, demanded lifts, free food and service and never once thanked you for any of the above (that’s what my dad does when he visits). I do think you need to give yourself a rather large wobble - who is she hurting?! Even if you think you’re helping HER by offering a place to stay, she probably sees it as you are helping each other because she enjoys being around and thinks you do too. Yes she will likely be upset if you start paying for childcare elsewhere and you will have to deal with that. One day you will likely regret that decision and that is my honest opinion. She sounds lovely.

OP, I'm going to go against the grain here. Yes your mum sounds lovely... but her increasing presence (and anxiety) is bothering you and you're bottling it up. I've been in a similar situation, and it's hard to explain to others (because mum is lovely, and lonely, and super helpful! What's the problem?!)
Can you try and decouple her visits from "help" - spend some quality time together rather than her coming over when you need her?

This is one of those times when I think the OP ought to sit quietly (maybe with a cup of tea?) and read her post. Then realise that she is being a bit of an arse.

Everything becomes much harder and more tiring as you get older and living alone.

Bollox-I’m retired -I lie in bed til I feel like getting up, I have nice relaxing hobbies, walk, keep fit, go to bed when I want, eat when and what I want - life is easier as you have control.