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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum making herself too at home

222 replies

PandaRose · 28/08/2023 22:57

Firstly, apologies for the essay… Hoping you can all tell me if this is really irritating behaviour or if I am being totally unreasonable!

My mum is single and in her 60s and lives a couple of hours drive away. She is a very anxious person about a variety of things and it often makes me feel anxious just being around her because she will get herself into such a state about something like traffic or work and will relay it all in such a way that really puts me on edge.

Because of this I try to politely minimise spending too much time with her but I don’t confront her about it as I think that would make her feel more anxious/upset her which I don’t want to do. She is also very helpful with my kids and looks after them on a semi regular basis.

The thing that’s getting me down at the minute is the amount of time she spends at my house.

A few years ago when she first started looking after my kids for me on alternating Fridays, she would ask if she could come over Thursday night and stay over (fine with me as the drive is quite far and as I mentioned before she’s an anxious driver). But it’s started to become that she would turn up earlier and earlier on a Thursday and now turns up at midday, then will often stay until sat/sun.

She never really directly asks, it just starts to creep earlier and earlier. She will often last minute say she has a headache or is too tired to drive or is worried about driving in the rain etc etc. I know part of it is her anxiety but it does feel like she picks and choose the anxiety to excuse her staying as long as possible.

What I find particularly annoying is she will semi ‘ask’ by saying something like ‘do you mind if I come a bit earlier on Thursday due to X’, but the ‘do I mind’ is totally redundant as if I say yes I’ve got a busy day at work (I WFH) or yes I’ve got to pick the kids up she responds with ‘don’t worry I’ll let myself in and sit downstairs quietly’ or ‘I can pick them up’ etc etc.

When she’s here she is helpful around the house and doesn’t expect to be hosted etc but this also irritates me as she almost makes herself TOO at home… immediately letting herself in with her set of keys and then making herself cups of tea etc. My husband thinks this is fine as she is quiet and just gets on with things (his parents would insist on us getting the silver service out and waiting on them but that’s a whole other issue!)

My AIBU is she is going to house sit for us this weekend as we’re going away on Friday. Just had the standard text of ‘do you mind if I come Thursday lunchtime to avoid rush hour on the road’. Bear in mind we both live quite rurally and rush hour isn’t really a thing! The roads may be slightly busier but it’s not like we’re in central london. When I said I wasnt sure as I had a busy work day on Thursday (and I’ll be packing, washing etc and generally stressing before holiday with kids!) she said she would let herself in and be quiet.

I don’t know what to do as she is doing me a favour by house sitting and is generally very helpful with my kids. But I also don’t want her to show up at midday (or earlier!!) on Thursday while I’m trying to work and get my life sorted.

My husband things I’m being unreasonable because she won’t interrupt me and will just sit downstairs quietly reading/drinking tea but just the thought of her being in my house when I’ve got stuff to do really frustrates me and puts me on edge! AIBU or am I just an awful person?!

OP posts:
Lonicerax · 29/08/2023 07:00

Having a lonely anxious relative visiting every week regardless who it is is a drain on your lemotiins(especially if you are the DD and feel some responsibility to solve it).

Themosswidow · 29/08/2023 07:07

Loneliness corrodes your soul. And your body. Lonely people have worse health outcomes than smokers. Loneliness is highly correlated with developing dementia. OP you are lucky if you cannot empathize with the slow torture of chronic loneliness. Very lucky.

Your Mum sounds so lonely that she would rather sit by herself in a house with people she loves than sit in a house with no one. Being at your house must make her feel connected to other people rather than utterly alone.

She’s your Mum. How can you have such a lack of compassion and concern for her that you are looking to increase her loneliness ( and sense of usefulness and purpose) by reducing the time she spends with you and the help she gives you?

Threads like this make me despair of people, they really do.

Lonicerax · 29/08/2023 07:11

DM is 60s so OP could have 25 years of this, perhaps she needs to move in and solve her loneliness for good.

Themosswidow · 29/08/2023 07:12

Lonicerax · 29/08/2023 07:00

Having a lonely anxious relative visiting every week regardless who it is is a drain on your lemotiins(especially if you are the DD and feel some responsibility to solve it).

And this post makes me despair of people too.

It’s basically saying, ‘why should I do anything for anyone else? And yeah, I include my Mum in that too!’

‘Helping my mum whose lonely drains my emotions so I shouldn’t do it’. Jesus, what’s wrong with people?!. What sort of horrible Uber-individualistic ‘I’m alright Jack so you can piss off’ society have we become?

Tourmalines · 29/08/2023 07:12

Beastlyofburden · 28/08/2023 23:19

You need to pay someone - your poor mum - are you an only & spoilt?

Well that’s quite an ignorant and biased question .

Lonicerax · 29/08/2023 07:16

No, allowing this 3day visit to make up for a lonely week is wrong. What needs to be done is help for DM to find friends and social life.
OP could accompany her to church , exercise class , trip up the Amazon (she’s only 60s). So she has a life.

6monthsto50 · 29/08/2023 07:17

Why don’t you look at solutions like asking her to move closer to you so she can easily get home?

Your Mum sounds lovely btw but I also can empathize about you wanting your own space after a days work too.

Your Mum is not the problem geography is.

Robotalkingrubbish · 29/08/2023 07:22

Your mum sounds amazing @PandaRose . You sound ungrateful and mean. FFS she’s going out of her way to help you and you can’t even be grateful and be nice to her. You don’t deserve such a helpful mother. My mother was very sick with a degenerative disease when my children were small. She died at 59. I would have given anything to spend more time with her and see her with my children. 😭

Celia24 · 29/08/2023 07:25

I understand OP. I have very similar with my mother at the moment, also in her 60s.

She has started to come more often and once recently I let her stay multiple days and I noticed after that she was blowing up my phone more and suggesting more frequent visits. In the end I just said 'no I don't want to this weekend' last time. A bit abrupt but I've found dancing around it doesn't helps.

I think my mum is a bit lonely and enjoys her time here. She also does chores. She can also be critical of how I run the house and we had a difficult relationship growing up. Could there any be leftover tension there for you in that regard?

In any case I'm also an introvert and need my time alone. So for now I still see her but set boundaries.on frequency. You have to OP, it's your sense of well-being at stake.

electriclight · 29/08/2023 07:27

This made me cry. Your poor mum.

She is an anxious driver but drives a long distance anyway, to help you.

She helps with childcare and house sitting, whenever she's needed, including a regular fortnightly arrangement.

Isn't it obvious how much she loves you, and loves being around your family? I bet those days are the highlight of her weeks.

And when she's there she's thoughtful, kind, helpful and quiet. She expects nothing. She works hard to make sure she isn't in the way.

Yet here you are complaining about her and deliberating paid childcare to avoid her visits. Do you really expect her to arrive on Thursday evening and leave on Friday evening? So the bare minimum to do her job? Awful to read really.

VandhanaK3 · 29/08/2023 07:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Celia24 · 29/08/2023 07:29

Also people are being far too rough on you OP. There is a compromise to be found. I also wouldn't say no ever to multiple days maybe just not as often.

pompomdaisy · 29/08/2023 07:30

It's a sad thread about the loneliness of older people and the impatience of younger. God are my kids going to feel this way in a few years about me?

grumpycow1 · 29/08/2023 07:30

You’re not an awful person but you are being uptight! If she wanted you to host then fair enough, but she helps you a lot and is probably lonely, why not indulge her?

Ladybug14 · 29/08/2023 07:32

What you'd like is an unpaid babysitter who stays for the absolute minimum time possible so that you get your home back (without babysitter) asap

Why don't you take your kids to your Mums house and then collect them when you're ready?

Win win for you

Whitepaleness · 29/08/2023 07:35

Wow, you sound extremely ungrateful and she’s doing no harm. I can’t see what your issue is and honestly I would be super happy for a GP to be this involved with my kids.

Milamight · 29/08/2023 07:38

What a sad post. You begrudge your mum time in your home, she is helping you out and doesn't 'get in the way'. Lots of people would be grateful. Extremely mean, really take a look at yourself. Thats your mum!

CurlewKate · 29/08/2023 07:40

"It's a sad thread about the loneliness of older people and the impatience of younger. God are my kids going to feel this way in a few years about me?"

Nothing to do with her age. She's a working woman of 60!

Letitgonowgr · 29/08/2023 07:41

Wow! My mum lives five minutes away and wouldn’t help out as much as yours does. Given she’s anxious, she does a good job of driving that way on her own to help you out. I think you’re being totally unfair and mean. You have a mother who is helpful and wants to spend time with you and your kids and you’re moaning about her outstaying her welcome!!

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 29/08/2023 07:46

pompomdaisy · 29/08/2023 07:30

It's a sad thread about the loneliness of older people and the impatience of younger. God are my kids going to feel this way in a few years about me?

She's in her sixties - she's hardly elderly 🙄

PuppyMonkey · 29/08/2023 07:55

I mean, just how annoying is this anxiety that puts you on edge OP? You say she doesn’t bother you when you work, is helpful, is quiet and doesn’t want to be waited on hand and foot. But she moans about the traffic? Is that it?

Aswad · 29/08/2023 07:59

Your own mother? I really do despair.

Justaredherring · 29/08/2023 08:00

Honestly, OP, I think you’re being really mean. This is your mum, who is lonely and anxious, and you’re begrudging her time in your home when you don’t even see her. No wonder there is so much loneliness and isolation in our culture when family members are thought of in this way

Fuckingmentalme · 29/08/2023 08:05

OP, is the situation really so bad that you need alternative children care? She sounds so nice. It depresses me that we seem to be such a selfish society.

Elderflower14 · 29/08/2023 08:05

OP I really hope you are never a lonely and anxious old lady... Your poor Mum... 😔 😔