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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset that friends didn’t to text to thank me for hosting lunch party?

146 replies

GreekDogRescue · 28/08/2023 19:25

I went to a huge amount of trouble; cooked for 3 days and provided fantastic drinks.
There were 6 of us, partner and my friend staying who is great.

But my 3 other friends arrived on time, brought flowers as it was my birthday, lovely, and stayed for SEVEN HOURS.

They had a great time, drank and ate large amounts and we had a good old eighties disco. I thought they’d never leave tbh.

But today I’m shattered (I’ve been ill so it was quite an effort) and while I know they had a good time I am disappointed no communication. One forwarded me a video about something but didn’t add a personal message.

I’m 60 and think my days of entertaining are coming to a close. It’s exhausting especially when people don’t really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 28/08/2023 20:45

I personally do follow up with a thank you again for hosting the next day, but if someone thanked me as they left I’d be fine with that.

Hippyhippybake · 28/08/2023 20:47

I would either expect a thank you text or email shortly after the lunch or a card within a week or two. The vast majority of my friends send a thank you card and I always do unless it was very casual.

Loub55 · 28/08/2023 20:50

Same as some PPs, some of my friend group will sometimes send a text the next day, but just to thank at the end of the night is enough for me!

dottiedodah · 28/08/2023 20:51

Knocking yourself into a tin hat for your own birthday, is a bit like being a martyr . Maybe ease back a bit next time and get some take out,nice food from m and s or a big chilli or similar in slow cooker.if they said they enjoyed themselves, and you had a good time ,no need for a text surely ?

Namddf · 28/08/2023 20:53

I always, always text the next morning to say thank you as well as thanking the hosts when I leave. It’s just good manners these days.

For that level of hosting I think they were rude not to message.

Random789 · 28/08/2023 21:11

I don't understand why you would text someone to repeat what you have presumably already said in person.
Being the guest is also a bit of an ordeal. I usually attend events like this out of politeness, assuming that the host was hosting because it was something she wanted to do. If I thought of it as some huge burden for her that required a double round of verbal compensation I would feel like turning down the invitation, to save us both the bother.

BygoneDays · 28/08/2023 21:13

Unfriendly them, the ungrateful scumbags.

LivStanshall · 28/08/2023 21:15

Yeah, I think this is rude. It doesn’t take a minute to text.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 28/08/2023 21:20

I would take it as a compliment they were having such a great time to stay so long! Successful party OP!

Don't see why it matters that you cooked for 3 days, I am sure they were there to celebrate with you. Not score your cooking.

If they showed up with flowers, were good guests who enjoyed themselves and said something along the lines of 'we've had a great time, thanks so much for lunch' when leaving then I really really can't see what your problem is. No follow up text required the next day in my opinion.

MariaVT65 · 28/08/2023 21:24

Janieforever · 28/08/2023 20:19

People don’t usually thank you for hosting your own birthday party, normally you thank them for coming and any gifts.

plus 3 days cooking for such a small group is quite unusual and really not necessary, did you mean three hours?

Thank you! Was about to say the same thing!

a) A verbal thanks should be good enough. We all rely on communication via our phones way too much.

b) I went to a party this weekend. I may have eventually sent a text a couple of days later to say it was lovely to see them, but the host actually texted me later the same day to thank me again for coming as it meant a lot to her.

ThinkingAgainAndAgain · 28/08/2023 21:34

I made a faux pas in not texting after a birthday party once, about ten years ago.

DS was about 5yo and went to a birthday party of a schoolfriend. They were young, and so parents stayed. I mucked in, they all had a great time. I said thank you, as did DS , when we left. Party was on a Sunday, I worked long days Monday to Wednesday so didn’t do school drop off and pick up on those days.

On Thursday morning, I dropped DS at school. The party boy’s mum took me to one side and asked did DS enjoy the party. Yes, I said, he’s had a lovely time! Wasn’t it great! Oh, she said, it’s just that I didn’t hear from you after. Mortified. And that’s when I realised that I should send a follow up thank you text too.

Topee · 28/08/2023 21:39

My Mum makes hosting more difficult than it needs to be too. Will always tell me (not that I’m the guest) how much effort is was as though I should be impressed. I tell her she’s nuts and M&S is there for a reason.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 28/08/2023 21:42

@GreekDogRescue

Why on earth did you cook for THREE DAYS? Just for 6 people? (Including you and your partner... so only 4 'guests ....') How bizarre... WTF were you cooking? A cow?! If cooking, and entertaining, (for seven hours) wipes you out, why did you not just order a big Waitrose or M & S buffet? Probably would have been cheaper. (And easier.)

Seven hours is a bit of a stint; I have had people stay that long, but it's not an outrageous amount of time for a get together and meal and a bit of a do with friends. (Occasionally...)

Also, as a pp said, give them time to thank you. Also did they not say thank you at the end (before they left?) I bet they did!!!

DrManhattan · 28/08/2023 21:43

Maybe the drinks weren't that 'fantastic'. You sound a bit pretentious.

IfYouDontAsk · 28/08/2023 21:44

They arrived on time and brought flowers. I’m struggling to believe that people who did that lacked the social grace to say thank you as they said their goodbyes to you. In which case, you’ve already been thanked.

You’d probably be feeling less exhausted and cranky if you hadn’t been cooking for three days. It’s lovely to make an effort for guests but that really is a LOT of effort.

mast0650 · 28/08/2023 21:47

I'm a bit on the fence. I almost always send a thank you message the day after someone has done lunch or dinner for us, but I do sometimes forget and other times I am a day or two late. I have friends who also almost always send a message, and those who generally don't, but that's fine, they are still lovely friends who would have said a warm thank you as they left. If I go to a lot of trouble for a big event for lots of people and I got no messages of thanks and appreciation the next day then I would be a bit disappointed tbh. But having my partner plus 4 others round wouldn't really fall into that category.

So, I sympathize, but think you are overreacting a bit. If people say thank you properly at the time, and clearly enjoy themselves, then that should be enough.

And cooking for three days for one lunch for 6 people sounds completely unecessary! That is your choice and you can't hold it against anyone else!

MichelleScarn · 28/08/2023 21:49

I just want to know the menu!!

Howtotalksoyourparentslisten · 28/08/2023 21:50

Personally I’d have texted them to thank them for coming to my party and for the lovely gifts they brought.

MarySmit · 28/08/2023 21:55

I'm reading this, having no idea that this is a thing. I thank hosts on leaving, I didn't realise that some expect a text the next day. Is this standard? Have I unwittingly been committing a social faux Pas all my life?

Acornsoup · 28/08/2023 22:07

OP it's a BH weekend. Flowers may arrive tomorrow. I know because I've tried to send some this weekend and Tuesday is the soonest I could get.

CoopAndWheels · 28/08/2023 22:10

Howtotalksoyourparentslisten · 28/08/2023 21:50

Personally I’d have texted them to thank them for coming to my party and for the lovely gifts they brought.

This is what I was thinking, although as a guest I would have given my ‘thank you for the lovely food and a wonderful evening’ as I left.

Housewife2010 · 28/08/2023 22:15

I would always send a text the next day. It only takes a minute and it is nice to know that your guests are thinking of you the following day and about what a nice time you all enjoyed.

Xmasbaby11 · 28/08/2023 22:15

Either you enjoyed it and it was worth the effort or not. Would a thank you text change that?

sometimes I have put too much effort into hosting and decided next time to do things differently - sounds like that’s how you feel.

it sounds like a fun and successful evening and everyone enjoyed it. You don’t have to do it again if it’s too much.

saraclara · 28/08/2023 22:25

Ugh. I'm in my late 60s and clearly I've been doing this wrong my whole life.

I'm an effusive thank-er at the time, but otherwise whether I thank people again later will depend on whether I'm contacting them for any other reason over the next day or two. In which case "aagh, I left my umbrella behind. No rush for it though, I'll pop by sometime. Thanks again for a great evening!"

But as others have said, someone's birthday event is surely more about the birthday person thanking you for coming?

Star0Fire · 28/08/2023 22:26

ThinkingAgainAndAgain · 28/08/2023 21:34

I made a faux pas in not texting after a birthday party once, about ten years ago.

DS was about 5yo and went to a birthday party of a schoolfriend. They were young, and so parents stayed. I mucked in, they all had a great time. I said thank you, as did DS , when we left. Party was on a Sunday, I worked long days Monday to Wednesday so didn’t do school drop off and pick up on those days.

On Thursday morning, I dropped DS at school. The party boy’s mum took me to one side and asked did DS enjoy the party. Yes, I said, he’s had a lovely time! Wasn’t it great! Oh, she said, it’s just that I didn’t hear from you after. Mortified. And that’s when I realised that I should send a follow up thank you text too.

I didn't know this!! Should I be texting nursery/school mums after to thank them for inviting my DC (to a whole class party) 😱 woops