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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that friends didn’t to text to thank me for hosting lunch party?

146 replies

GreekDogRescue · 28/08/2023 19:25

I went to a huge amount of trouble; cooked for 3 days and provided fantastic drinks.
There were 6 of us, partner and my friend staying who is great.

But my 3 other friends arrived on time, brought flowers as it was my birthday, lovely, and stayed for SEVEN HOURS.

They had a great time, drank and ate large amounts and we had a good old eighties disco. I thought they’d never leave tbh.

But today I’m shattered (I’ve been ill so it was quite an effort) and while I know they had a good time I am disappointed no communication. One forwarded me a video about something but didn’t add a personal message.

I’m 60 and think my days of entertaining are coming to a close. It’s exhausting especially when people don’t really appreciate it.

OP posts:
SoGladofYou · 28/08/2023 20:08

If this was your birthday, then I think you did this for you as much as for your friends. Yes, it is a bit disappointing if they haven’t messaged you to say thank you but that isn’t why you did it and, other things being equal, I think you should let it go.

Findyourneutralspace · 28/08/2023 20:09

Times have changed with hosting. I remember my mum exhausting herself with her dinner parties then not enjoying them.
I find all that daunting so I just get a really well stocked cheeseboard, light the fire and invite friends over for drinks.

FeedHedgehogsCatBiscuits · 28/08/2023 20:13

MontblancTheSecond · 28/08/2023 19:49

if you don’t want to spend 3(!) days in the kitchen, don’t. Just get some pizzas. Friends are coming over for you and your company, don’t make it so difficult for yourself.

Edited

If you are just going to provide junk food you may as well just go to the pub

felisha54 · 28/08/2023 20:13

I wouldn't expect a text to thank me. My friends would say thanks on the night and leave it at that. Why 3 days cooking though? Sounds like a lot of effort for a lunch.

DojaPhat · 28/08/2023 20:14

I really don't know how people manage to maintain friendships in this day and age with all these rules and regulations we're supposed to somehow just know. It may not occurred to them that they have to send a thank you after flowers and a thank you it was lovely...Does it really bother you? I'd not let it bother you so much if all else in the friendships is generally fine. Though you did go to a huge effort!

meatbaseddessert · 28/08/2023 20:14

I'm a frequent hoster. I've never expected a text thank you. Occasionally I get them.

People say thank you at the door when they leave with actual voices. Did none of them do this?!

Also 7 hours is lovely. Friends tend to pitch up around 6 or 7 pm for drinks and rarely leave until the early hours such is our amazing hosting. If you want them out earlier just say so

SweetStrawberrie · 28/08/2023 20:15

It would be a bit unusual here to thank someone for throwing their own birthday party if i'm being honest.

A simple 'great party! Hope you had a wonderful time, thanks for inviting us!' would be enough on the day.

I think them staying for 7 hours and enjoying themselves showed they did appreciate it - you threw a wonderful party for your birthday and your guests all had a fab time by the sounds of it.

Don't be offended for the sake of it.

Silentmama2 · 28/08/2023 20:16

Step back ... do you thnk when you are feeling a bit better you will have a smile on your face - for the enjoyable time you had together?

I bet they will hold their memories fondly and appreciate you

If I said 'thanks' on my way out - I would not send a text again .

Qilin · 28/08/2023 20:18

I don't always text/message after a lunch/dinner at a friends, not even after staying over for a weekend. I say my thanks at the time, and always bring them some wine or something.

I also don't usually spend 3 days prepping and cooking beforehand.

What did you make that took so long?

Janieforever · 28/08/2023 20:19

People don’t usually thank you for hosting your own birthday party, normally you thank them for coming and any gifts.

plus 3 days cooking for such a small group is quite unusual and really not necessary, did you mean three hours?

Springduckling · 28/08/2023 20:23

If I cook for people they will generally say 'this is nice' or thank me at the time.
I would expect a thank you text after the event. That sounds very formal.

I try to keep things simple re cooking. I feel lifes too short to bust a gut and people are round for a nice get together, not Michelin starred food. Id do something that can be put together ahead of time if possible.

billy1966 · 28/08/2023 20:25

Give them a day.

I would always send a follow up text after a dinner, lunch etc.

Neither flowers nor a card, but definitely a text.

Hosting takes effort. Far more than going out.

cansu · 28/08/2023 20:27

I am sure they said thank you when they left. Host if you enjoy it. Don't if you don't. Spending three days cooking is ridiculous.

wellandtruly · 28/08/2023 20:28

I wouldn’t send a thank you text. They thanked you on the day, brought flowers.

cansu · 28/08/2023 20:28

Friends of mine take flowers or wine or chocs. Expecting texts after seems weird.

charabang · 28/08/2023 20:30

I must live in an alternative universe because my mates always text a thanks for a great evening even if it has just been a pasta bake with a sauce from a jar. I dont think OP is BU to expect a quick text of recogntion for her efforts

Bethanbee · 28/08/2023 20:35

I'd have thanked you when I was leaving and when you were providing the food and drinks. I wouldn't necessarily have sent an additional thanks the next day.

Problesolving · 28/08/2023 20:35

Three days of cooking? I’m wonderful what you made.

I agree with others, a thank you text isn’t needed if they thanked you in
person.

43ontherocksporfavor · 28/08/2023 20:36

I normally thank profusely when I leave. I wouldn’t then text unless someone brought something up or shared a photo on WhatsApp. I think you made the mistake of doing too much. Why were you cooking for 3 days? That’s crazy! Something tasty and simple is easily put together in a few hours, great music, wine and good lighting et voila!

GLORIAGloriarse · 28/08/2023 20:36

Did they say thank you when they left and show appreciation of the food and entertainment at the time? If so I wouldn't see this as them not thanking me for my efforts and hospitality. Not being pollyanna but I get a huge amount of pleasure from cooking for people (luckily I'm not bad so they quite like it too!) Their enjoyment and simple thanks is plenty. I don't think you can see yourself as a martyr here as if you've gone to the trouble on your birthday, that's your choice as well as being for their pleasure.
Also, forgive me for not understanding but did you cook and host for 3 days for some of the group, then several joined for dinner, drinks and a disco for the 7 hours? If that's correct then I think you need to see it in proportion. They don't owe you 3 days' worth of thanks.

Teder · 28/08/2023 20:39

charabang · 28/08/2023 20:30

I must live in an alternative universe because my mates always text a thanks for a great evening even if it has just been a pasta bake with a sauce from a jar. I dont think OP is BU to expect a quick text of recogntion for her efforts

In my group, we do similar but I wouldn’t think anything of it if someone didn’t. That’s the difference. It’s extra polite if they text after but it’s not impolite to not text if they verbally thanked someone.

43ontherocksporfavor · 28/08/2023 20:39

Just to add that I know some people do send texts but I always think it’s too much if they thanked on leaving and enjoyed the night. It gets a bit repetitive-“Thank you” “ No thank YOU for coming !”, “ Oh no thank you!”

Janieforever · 28/08/2023 20:40

charabang · 28/08/2023 20:30

I must live in an alternative universe because my mates always text a thanks for a great evening even if it has just been a pasta bake with a sauce from a jar. I dont think OP is BU to expect a quick text of recogntion for her efforts

Even for going to someone’s birthday party, normally I say thanks when I go. I do text for normal events, but I’d not text and say thank you for inviting me to your birthday do.

Winnipeggy · 28/08/2023 20:42

If this is your take away then I would suggest don't bother in future. You don't sound like you enjoyed it all that much.

billy1966 · 28/08/2023 20:43

Teder · 28/08/2023 20:39

In my group, we do similar but I wouldn’t think anything of it if someone didn’t. That’s the difference. It’s extra polite if they text after but it’s not impolite to not text if they verbally thanked someone.

Show quote history

This.

It's casual but thoughtful I think, that is why I would always do it.

My friends have busy lives, I appreciate when they say come for a bit of lunch, drinks, dinner.

There is always effort involved and its nice to acknowledge it.