Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

325 replies

newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 04:02

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Jevwaypock · 28/08/2023 04:09

IMO it makes sense for the eldest and the only boy to have his own room. If you have this house for say 10 years would you expect a 19 year old brother to share his room with his 16 year old sister?

Hungryfrogs23 · 28/08/2023 04:09

Whilst I totally get your reasons for wanting your DD to have her own room, it isn't practical. A 6 and 9 year old of different genders are getting too old to share a bedroom irrespective of whether they fight or not. You'd end up having to move them all again in a year which makes no sense and will be more unsettling. The following is taken from the NSPCC page:

It's important to know there are laws in place to help make sure everyone's home is safe and comfortable. Legislation states that children of the opposite sex over the age of 10 should not share rooms - and that this can be considered overcrowding.

Mumdiva99 · 28/08/2023 04:10

I'd say you are being unreasonable. The girls can share and you can all get on the same sleep schedule.

PriOn1 · 28/08/2023 04:10

I think I’d ditch the fiancé. He’s not pulling his weight and you can then raise your baby as you wish. But unfortunately yes, I do think you are being potentially unreasonable to expect a boy of nine and a girl of six to share a bedroom, while your baby has a room of its own.

TheBarbieEffect · 28/08/2023 04:12

YABU. The two should share, it isn’t practical for boy/girl siblings to share at that age and with that age gap.

You need to let go of the family you wish you had and deal with the family you actually do have.

AllotmentTime · 28/08/2023 04:15

Can you suggest that the 9&6 yos share for a year and then re evaluate?

They are close to getting too old to share, but a year would see your 18mo probably in a very different place sleep wise.

CakeForAll21 · 28/08/2023 04:16

The girls should share a room. If you have accepted this man into your life and his children live with you. You have accepted the children. They should be treated equally to your daughter's as they did not ask for this.

Personally think what you would do if all 3 children where yours? The girls would share. I think its lovely that the 6 year ol loves the baby so much she is happy to share. Why create resentment among the Children that isn't there?

In the end you will have to move to a 4 bed further down the line if you want all the children to have their own room but with the baby only 18 months and the other girl 6 you have a good few years before that comes an issue. It might never become an issue.

ItstimeToMoveagain · 28/08/2023 04:19

The 9 year old is getting too old to share with a child of the opposite sex when he doesn't need to

asecretslob · 28/08/2023 04:20

@Hungryfrogs23 not for privately owned
Property there isn't

But back to the Op it's the same old story isn't

Met a man with kids and then try and push the first family out

Original poster
newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 04:22

In what way would I ever be “pushing the old family out”? I clearly stated I help him a ton with the older kids. I take them to extracurriculars all week/weekend, cook dinner for them, pack lunches, help with homework, do their laundry, etc. Always have.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 28/08/2023 04:24

PriOn1 · 28/08/2023 04:10

I think I’d ditch the fiancé. He’s not pulling his weight and you can then raise your baby as you wish. But unfortunately yes, I do think you are being potentially unreasonable to expect a boy of nine and a girl of six to share a bedroom, while your baby has a room of its own.

Yep

PurBal · 28/08/2023 04:31

I don’t think you’re going to get the answer you want OP. The girls should share. But it sounds like you have issues to resolve with your fiancé.

Bigcat25 · 28/08/2023 04:32

AllotmentTime · 28/08/2023 04:15

Can you suggest that the 9&6 yos share for a year and then re evaluate?

They are close to getting too old to share, but a year would see your 18mo probably in a very different place sleep wise.

This is a good potential tactic/compromise.

SunRainStorm · 28/08/2023 04:32

Do you own or rent? Are you likely to move again soon?

Your step children are getting too old to be sharing with opposite sex siblings. It makes more sense for the sisters to share.

If you're likely to move again soon, then maybe for a year you could ask them to share while 18 month old's sleep gets sorted. She'll be a different child in a year.

YABU about the bedrooms.

Your partner not pitching in with the children is a totally separate issue and you should deal with it as such.

You're not married, you appear to have given up a lot of provide care to not only your child but your step children as well. Presumably this allows your fiancé to work and accumulate his pension and possibly savings.

What financial protection do you have for yourself?

CakeForAll21 · 28/08/2023 04:35

@newmom2022

I didnt make the comment about pushing the old family out, I thought that was a little harsh however I am picking up a hint of you do not see these kids as your own when they are with you. The I help him out loads with the older kids. They are your kids too whilst in your care so your helping each other for the greater good of your combined family.

They clearly love your baby and are happy with you so try not to ruin that with feelings of MY CHILD should get this and that. You have 3 children and the 2 older ones sound like Angel's.

I hope it works out for you. Personally i do not agree with the ditch the husband lot as every relationship has its challenges.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 28/08/2023 04:40

Did you not discuss this before moving to a 3 bed house??

Original poster
newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 04:44

@Anotherdayanotherdollar

We did discuss this before moving and he actually agreed with me. However, before we moved, the kids actually were going to stay with their mom for the school year. When we moved, plans changed and we found ourselves in this disagreement.

OP posts:
Original poster
newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 04:47

@Jevwaypock

I understand your pov and appreciate your input. I feel it would be a much easier and obvious decision at 16 & 19. I felt like right now though, as children, it wasn’t such a big deal.

Taking all responses into consideration, thanks again.

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 28/08/2023 04:54

Sorry OP, I agree with the others that 6 and 9 is getting too old to share a room if they are the opposite sex.

However, is there also an issue here where the 18 month old could disrupt the 6 year old’s sleep? If so, that isn’t fair either and the situation should reassessed.

GardeningIdiot · 28/08/2023 05:03

The whole situation sounds like a nightmare for you. What is in all of this for you? You spend lots of energy and time on the stepchildren and he doesn't do even basic care for your baby.

After this latest change, are you sure you wouldn't be better just you and your child?

Threenow · 28/08/2023 05:04

I agree that the older two are getting too old to share, and that the girls should share a room - sorry.

user1492757084 · 28/08/2023 05:05

Compromise.
The older kids have been sharing a room up until now so I would have them share for another year or so.
Give them the biggest room.
It could be that a cupboard can divide the room quite well.

When your little one is three and sleeping consistantly through the night swap her into the big room with her sister and give the smallest room to the older brother until he has finished school.
After brother has finished school the girls will be able to have their own rooms.

CakeForAll21 · 28/08/2023 05:07

@GardeningIdiot

He works and I am assuming pays for all the kids and the op and the home. I am 30 years old and for my generation to ge at home with an 18 month old is an achievement.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 28/08/2023 05:12

You had a plan all agreed to, chose and moved to your current property based on that plan. IMO, you should stick to the plan, and it is unfair of your fiance to suddenly try to change the plan. An 18 month old needs their own room more than a 6 and 9 year old do, as her sleeping pattern is vastly different. 6 and 9 will be pretty similar to eachother with regard to bedtimes, and get up at the same time for school, so will minimally disturb eachother, whereas a 6 year old will massively disturb an 18 month old and vice versa.
It's also not a forever plan, its a what works best for EVERYONE right now plan. You can always reevaluate in a year or two when its getting close to the now 9 year old boy hitting puberty and more in need of his own singe sex space. You could either have moved to a 4 bed by then, have a different arrangement with their mum, or your 18 month old would be 3 and much easier to share with her 8 year old sister.

PriOn1 · 28/08/2023 05:18

So the “sudden demand” in your OP is actually not a random change with no reason given (as that phrase would imply) but due to a significant change in circumstances.

”Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.”

See, this to me sounds cute. The older children are accepting enough of the new baby (that they could have potentially viewed as a threat to their relationship with their dad) that they want to play.

With new babies coming into an established family, it is more normal to adjust the baby’s sleep schedule around the household than adjust the household round the baby. Is there a pressing reason that means you can’t go to bed earlier and get up with them? You chose to have a baby with a man who already has children, so you don’t get the chance to have the experience of changing the entire household round the baby’s schedule that many first time parents experience. Or you can have that experience, but it would involve leaving the family you’ve married into.

You kind of implied he’s a dead-beat dad, but having his first family full time doesn’t necessarily sound like he is, unless their mum is even more so? Are you a stay at home mum? If so, I’d expect a lot of things to fall to you. If the step children are now with you (more or less) full time, that might be a much bigger burden than you anticipated.

Might part of the problem here be the change in circumstances? Did you have much say in it, or are you suddenly faced with three full time children when you hadn’t anticipated it?