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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

325 replies

newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 04:02

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

OP posts:
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6
jitteryb · 28/08/2023 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Sorry all, but the OP is a previously banned troll with a new tale each namechange. We've deleted their threads and posts.

CherryMaDeara · 28/08/2023 16:29

usererror99 · 28/08/2023 07:12

You might be the primary care giver but he is the primary wage earner and presumably paying for everything

You knew he has 2 children full time before embarking on this relationship and having a child with him

What a sexist assumption.

OP earns more.

youaintmymother · 28/08/2023 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Sorry all, but the OP is a previously banned troll with a new tale each namechange. We've deleted their threads and posts.

No worries - it's a useful resource when safeguarding children.

I actually meant to share the older age group:

To want my 18 month old to have her own room?
Newmumatlast · 28/08/2023 17:02

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 12:25

If all of the kids were yours you wouldn't be making the decision you want to make

All of the arguments that OP is unreasonable would be so much less annoying and entirely fair enough if people would stop saying this. It is not true at all, many people WOULD make this decision with their own children and have said as much here.

Yes I've seen that now. I'm surprised to be honest that people would even with their own children choose to put an 18mth old on their own when it means two different sex children of the ages of the children here would have to share. I really didn't think people would make that choice. The NSPCC recommends own rooms over 10 which isn't far off. And they make that recommendation for a reason. I just thought people would be more mindful of the importance of own space for opposite sex children over a certain age. I get that they could perhaps swap when the eldest is 10 but that seems unnecessary. Just my opinion though

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/08/2023 17:07

Its not right for the boy and girl to share so yabu. As long as you live in a three bed your daughter will likely never have her own room.

Batatahara · 28/08/2023 17:12

Newmumatlast · 28/08/2023 17:02

Yes I've seen that now. I'm surprised to be honest that people would even with their own children choose to put an 18mth old on their own when it means two different sex children of the ages of the children here would have to share. I really didn't think people would make that choice. The NSPCC recommends own rooms over 10 which isn't far off. And they make that recommendation for a reason. I just thought people would be more mindful of the importance of own space for opposite sex children over a certain age. I get that they could perhaps swap when the eldest is 10 but that seems unnecessary. Just my opinion though

Show quote history

So I think I would make the call to give the 18 month old their own room for a year and then switch because I would be balancing three things:

The older children needing privacy as the older one heads towards puberty

The 6 year old needing a good night's sleep - I am bloody miserable when woke up several times a night and it would be worse for a child who doesn't really understand it

The 18 month old getting to sleep till they wake naturally - which I think is likely to have a good impact on their mood

If the older one was 10/11, I would say they needed their own room immediately but they aren't, they're 9 and prepubescent so I think sharing for another year seems fine

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 17:40

Yes I've seen that now. I'm surprised to be honest that people would even with their own children choose to put an 18mth old on their own when it means two different sex children of the ages of the children here would have to share. I really didn't think people would make that choice. The NSPCC recommends own rooms over 10 which isn't far off. And they make that recommendation for a reason. I just thought people would be more mindful of the importance of own space for opposite sex children over a certain age. I get that they could perhaps swap when the eldest is 10 but that seems unnecessary. Just my opinion though

OP said that the baby wakes multiple times every night. Sparing the 6 year old that - not to mention OP as she said it would likely become much worse if the two saw each other in the night - seems like the most pressing concern, to me. If the boy was 10-11 I might say differently but they DO have a bit of time in my opinion, and the baby is unlikely to be waking that much in 2 years, or even 1 year!

Yes it's not ideal for the sexes to share but let's not forget the possibility of something inappropriate happening is just that, a pretty slim possibility. Whereas the whole household, especially the 6 year old, being heavily affected by lack of sleep sharing with the baby is pretty much an inevitability, and it is no small thing.

So yes, I would have the older two share for probably about a year, and then switch things around.

loislovesstewie · 28/08/2023 18:36

Or maybe,dare I say it,sleep train the baby?

coffeeandcake00 · 28/08/2023 18:48

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 17:40

Yes I've seen that now. I'm surprised to be honest that people would even with their own children choose to put an 18mth old on their own when it means two different sex children of the ages of the children here would have to share. I really didn't think people would make that choice. The NSPCC recommends own rooms over 10 which isn't far off. And they make that recommendation for a reason. I just thought people would be more mindful of the importance of own space for opposite sex children over a certain age. I get that they could perhaps swap when the eldest is 10 but that seems unnecessary. Just my opinion though

OP said that the baby wakes multiple times every night. Sparing the 6 year old that - not to mention OP as she said it would likely become much worse if the two saw each other in the night - seems like the most pressing concern, to me. If the boy was 10-11 I might say differently but they DO have a bit of time in my opinion, and the baby is unlikely to be waking that much in 2 years, or even 1 year!

Yes it's not ideal for the sexes to share but let's not forget the possibility of something inappropriate happening is just that, a pretty slim possibility. Whereas the whole household, especially the 6 year old, being heavily affected by lack of sleep sharing with the baby is pretty much an inevitability, and it is no small thing.

So yes, I would have the older two share for probably about a year, and then switch things around.

If the OP is up several times in the night anyway, then why not give the older children a room each, and keep the 18 month old in their parents room for now? Then when the younger child is more settled and sleeping through the night move them in with their sister. Plenty of parents (including myself) have limited space so have had to get a child into a sleep routine whilst they still share a room with their parents. Surely, the OP is going to be even more exhausted waking up and walking to another room whilst the youngest still wakes up during the night?

aSofaNearYou · 28/08/2023 18:52

If the OP is up several times in the night anyway, then why not give the older children a room each, and keep the 18 month old in their parents room for now? Then when the younger child is more settled and sleeping through the night move them in with their sister. Plenty of parents (including myself) have limited space so have had to get a child into a sleep routine whilst they still share a room with their parents. Surely, the OP is going to be even more exhausted waking up and walking to another room whilst the youngest still wakes up during the night?

This was mentioned upthread - yes this is an option but it's always been my experience that by that age you just disturb each other sharing with the baby, I see a lot of people saying the same on MN and would be avoiding it. Plus I would be very against ending up with the child being dependent on sleeping in with me so would be keen to establish that they do not share with parents before they grow accustomed to it. Instead, I would just keep the arrangement that's already been working and shows no signs of no longer working for another year or so (maximum)- ie, the older children sharing.

ZiriForEver · 28/08/2023 20:15

Newmumatlast · 28/08/2023 17:02

Yes I've seen that now. I'm surprised to be honest that people would even with their own children choose to put an 18mth old on their own when it means two different sex children of the ages of the children here would have to share. I really didn't think people would make that choice. The NSPCC recommends own rooms over 10 which isn't far off. And they make that recommendation for a reason. I just thought people would be more mindful of the importance of own space for opposite sex children over a certain age. I get that they could perhaps swap when the eldest is 10 but that seems unnecessary. Just my opinion though

Show quote history

For me is surprising how many people repeat the age recommendation without any sense for the specific situation.

Those two older are sharing at the moment, if there wasn't a move nothing would change and there would be no urgent need to solve the sharing immediately, more like to start looking for a solution.

There are several different needs in play. Luckily, all those needs are changing in time - boy's need for privacy will be slowly growing, baby's different sleep schedule will become less different.
When two rooms are available, the best combination can change over the time and that's ok.

AvengedQuince · 28/08/2023 20:45

I'd be worried about moving the toddler to their own room if they later need to room share. They may get used to not hearing the night noise of other people and then struggle to adapt to sharing with others again. I'd just keep them with parents then move them sometime after turning two.

Sugarfree23 · 28/08/2023 21:02

Op i think the older kids could share for another year - 18mths. Until the boy turns 11 / starts secondary.
Which would get LO over the baby stage.

But beyond that I think the older two became too old to share.

cameldigits · 28/08/2023 21:27

LTB then you can have a lovely 2 bed place for you and baby

MarvellousMonsters · 29/08/2023 17:52

AllotmentTime · 28/08/2023 04:15

Can you suggest that the 9&6 yos share for a year and then re evaluate?

They are close to getting too old to share, but a year would see your 18mo probably in a very different place sleep wise.

This is your only reasonable compromise, especially as it's considered 'inappropriate' for siblings of the opposite sex to share a room once one of them is over 10 years old.

MrBlobbyWasTrulyAwful · 29/08/2023 18:06

I see your point, but at what age will it become inappropriate?

is there another solution, like you have a sofa bed downstairs so all children have own rooms? It would of course depend on the layout of the house..

LovelyIssues · 29/08/2023 18:28

Definitely makes more sense for the girls to share. Sorry OP.

Ibizamumof4 · 29/08/2023 19:11

I agree with you OP the baby will have different schedule so will need own room.

LillyOfTheValley2020 · 29/08/2023 19:42

I shared with my younger brother until I was 14 and he was 9 (due to lack of space and also because we don’t indulge kids where I am from. Most of my classmates had exactly the same way). I am from a different country and frankly I don’t understand all the other posters’ point of view. A 6 and a 9 year old are still kids themselves. And they did share until now haven’t they?! It also seems to me they would have a rough life otherwise so you are kind to mother them too. Why don’t you propose that the baby gets her room for 2 years and when the boy is 11 he can have his room and the girls can then share. By then hopefully the baby will have a solid bedtime schedule.

Sillyname63 · 29/08/2023 20:03

Get him to agree to making an attic bedroom for one his children, especially as plans changed after you had agreed to your child having their own room.

PeachyPeachTrees · 29/08/2023 20:07

YANBU. The baby has their own room, smallest one. The 9 and 7 year old siblings share for a year or so. Then youngest (2 1/2-3 years old and not baby anymore) shares with step sister and boy gets own room. This is the best option.
I'd also delay the wedding for while too. You've said yourself, you earn more and are not trapped with this guy who hasn't been pulling his weight. With the Step DCs being around more, that could be more of a struggle too. Hope you manage to work it out.

Snowpixi · 29/08/2023 20:45

wOw on that note I’m not sure you at ready to be a parent! Just wow!

anon666 · 29/08/2023 20:45

It very much does sound like you are biased because it's "your" baby as opposed to the other kids that aren't yours. I'm not a step parent so have no idea if that's right or not, but in any argument it will definitely come across as you pushing your child's advantage against the other kids. 😞

Nutterjacks · 29/08/2023 20:57

Is there a bedroom big enough to be split into two rooms?
I know a few people who have done this to give their kids their own room.

Noangelbuthavingfun · 29/08/2023 21:17

newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 04:02

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

Fwiw I would absolutely be getting the 2 siblings to share a room at that age ! And have a nursery for the baby. Plenty of kids share a room beyond that age and as siblings shouldn't be an issue
I have a 13 year old and it's only since about 12 years of age I would say he definitely would need his own room. I appreciate all boys are different but I'd definitely stick them together for 2 years then reassess or move to a bigger house. The resentment between u is not worth it and for so little gain. And ignore the posters being so adamant they can share ' they are bloody siblings for crying out loud ! If it's such a big issue they can live with the mum during term time if set up is better. Good luck !

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