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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

325 replies

newmom2022 · 28/08/2023 04:02

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
TheWayTheLightFalls · 28/08/2023 07:57

Your daughter's sleep doesn't sound good, and I think this needs some attention - sleep training, rejigging her schedule, whatever is needed (I have twins around this age, so I'm not saying this lightly - everyone would benefit if she was sleeping better). I agree with you that a toddler still waking mutliple times a night shouldn't be sharing with a school age child, that won't suit anyone.

You didn't answer I don't think about whether you own or rent. Would it be possible to give the older two the biggest bedroom and partition it, so each has their own space? There is lots of info online about this and it can be done on a budget and in a reversible way if renting.

More generally I'd be revisiting this relationship I'm afraid.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 28/08/2023 07:58

(Or partition the room and put the toddler and six year old in - but see if "own rooms" for all can happen somehow.)

Misty84 · 28/08/2023 07:59

I think you’re being perfectly reasonable OP. My brother and I shared a room until we were 12 and 9, so that our baby sister could have her own as she was on a different sleep schedule. We had zero problem with it and didn’t even consider questioning it!

TimetoPour · 28/08/2023 07:59

YABU. The two girls should share and you need to find a way to make it work. It may not be what you wanted but sometimes life sucks.

Your DP pulls his finger out in the mornings and takes care of the older children getting ready and doing the school run. While this isn’t taking care of the baby it is taking charge of 2/3 of the children in your care. He was happy to take on his children FT so clearly not a deadbeat dad.

You say they get up very early- how early is early?

What is the family daily schedule?

What are you doing about sleep training with the baby?

What is your weekend schedule?

I know you say you are the main caregiver- so was I. There is always one who does a bit more. I did all feeds, nappy changes, got children dressed, got up in the night when they were sick or wet the bed, stayed when they wouldn’t settle. It sucks but it doesn’t last forever. Sleep deprivation makes you cranky and exacerbates all the small things. It will get better.

Matronic6 · 28/08/2023 08:01

I see both sides here. Have a baby similar to you and she is a nightmare if we have to share a room with. All sleep is disrupted and that would be unfair on your baby and your SD. I also agree it's not suitable for older two to share in the long term.

So I would focus on medium term for now. Older two are fine sharing for a bit longer. I would initially let 18 month old have her own room whilst her sleep settles and eventually transition older sister into that room.

Peony26 · 28/08/2023 08:03

Friends of mine had a situation like yours, they had a really nice sofa bed in the lounge and they used that and they gave each of the children a bedroom, they just stored their clothes etc in the biggest bedroom who housed the youngest child as they always have more toys etc to store

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 08:04

If it were LA or HA then the mixed siblings could share until the eldest is 10. That gives them a year.

No, I’ll say it again. It’s when the younger child is 10 so they have 4 years. I good time to swap would probably when the boy starts secondary and the baby is around 3.

LovelyDaaling · 28/08/2023 08:05

If all three were your children, would you have a problem with the girls sharing a room? The boy will have to have a separate room at some point soon. Might have been better to have bought a four bedroom house.

Sirzy · 28/08/2023 08:09

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 08:04

If it were LA or HA then the mixed siblings could share until the eldest is 10. That gives them a year.

No, I’ll say it again. It’s when the younger child is 10 so they have 4 years. I good time to swap would probably when the boy starts secondary and the baby is around 3.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/

that seems to suggest it’s when any child is 10 not the youngest

Sharing a bedroom

Whether children are sharing a bedroom at home or on holiday, we have some advice about how to make sure they stay safe.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/

OilOfRoses · 28/08/2023 08:10

Thisismynewusername1 · 28/08/2023 07:27

Room 1 - you and baby
room 2- dad and son
room 3- 6 year old girl

is there any opportunity to extend or convert into another bedroom?

is mum paying maintenance?

I vote for this.

NameChangeEmbarressed · 28/08/2023 08:11

You are being unreasonable. Boy / girl siblings shouldn't have to share at this age and with the age gap. In social housing (stick dependent of course) they would expect children of different genders to have separate rooms once the eldest is 10.

Your daughter will get used to room sharing. A separate room for each child is a luxury. Being disturbed by a room partner is natural, I bet you have been disturbed by your partner plenty of times.

PinkCherryBlossoms · 28/08/2023 08:12

Nelliedeancomesclean · 28/08/2023 07:56

This nails it ^^.

You don't have a bedroom problem OP, you have a fiance problem.

Show quote history

It amazes me how many posters have just completely ignored this part, honestly. In a thread that's found time for someone to invent a backstory about her being a SAHP despite OP's first post saying she works

Honestly I wonder if he didn't see OP coming. Doing everything for their 18 month old, earning more than him and going halves on the bigger property they need for his DC... one partner is doing much better out of this setup than the other!

Todaywego · 28/08/2023 08:13

Nelliedeancomesclean · 28/08/2023 07:36

OP, this jumped out at me- "I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion."

Stop right there.

Do you really want to be with a man who is so disinterested in his own child?

"At times it feels like he’s taking advantage of me just to have the extra help. I feel no actual support from his side, only extra responsibility put on me. This is why I’m admitting, maybe I should go ahead and get out of this situation because I don’t like the way it’s looking."

It feels like it because that's what's happening.

Do not under any circumstances marry this man.

He's treating you like the nanny/au pair.

I'd make plans to leave OP.

I agree. I think those focusing on bedrooms are missing a huge point.

I'm also suspicious about a last minute change to the care arrangements for his two older children. I can't help wondering if he and his ex had that plan all along. Adding them to the household after the new house was brought seems highly suss to me.
Op - just because he's not supporting you with the baby you have together I think you are reasonable to consider your options before you get further mired in this relationship.

grumpycow1 · 28/08/2023 08:13

just to say my 2 year old has shared with his brother (bunk beds) since 18 months and loves it. Sleeps really well. We hacked an IKEA Kura mid sleeper, the toddler sleeps at the bottom on a floor bed we’ve created. It’s his little haven, fairy lights and all. And his brother comes down and plays in the morning. We baby proofed bottom rungs of the ladder and he hasn’t attempted to climb. Plus if he wakes in the night I can go and lie with him to settle him, a lot more comfy than the cot!

PinkCherryBlossoms · 28/08/2023 08:15

Todaywego · 28/08/2023 08:13

I agree. I think those focusing on bedrooms are missing a huge point.

I'm also suspicious about a last minute change to the care arrangements for his two older children. I can't help wondering if he and his ex had that plan all along. Adding them to the household after the new house was brought seems highly suss to me.
Op - just because he's not supporting you with the baby you have together I think you are reasonable to consider your options before you get further mired in this relationship.

Show quote history

Cross post! But yeah, I had the same suspicion.

grumpycow1 · 28/08/2023 08:15

But agree with previous posters that maybe you do need to get out, if he really is as uninvolved as that. Then you and your DD can create the little home you want.

justasking111 · 28/08/2023 08:17

@newmom2022 suggest fiancé shares room with boy

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 28/08/2023 08:17

Hungryfrogs23 · 28/08/2023 04:09

Whilst I totally get your reasons for wanting your DD to have her own room, it isn't practical. A 6 and 9 year old of different genders are getting too old to share a bedroom irrespective of whether they fight or not. You'd end up having to move them all again in a year which makes no sense and will be more unsettling. The following is taken from the NSPCC page:

It's important to know there are laws in place to help make sure everyone's home is safe and comfortable. Legislation states that children of the opposite sex over the age of 10 should not share rooms - and that this can be considered overcrowding.

@Hungryfrogs23 is incorrect, there are no laws in the UK about room sharing in private households

DrMarshaFieldstone · 28/08/2023 08:18

I suspect the next few months over the autumn term will be make-or-break for your relationship, OP. I fear your fiancé doesn’t intend to do much practical parenting of your SC.

AvengedQuince · 28/08/2023 08:18

MoreThanEnoughSoFar · 28/08/2023 07:38

I honestly don't see the whole "they are different genders so they can't share!" problem. They are brother and sister and the youngest is only 6. They are not different species and genders don't matter that much until they become teenager.

I'm more afraid that the 6 year old won't get her sleep with a toddler in the room. Best solution is that you keep the 18 mo old with you, tell your fiance to tiptoe out when he gets up and give the two oldest their own room with the added suggestion that she will be sharing a room with one of them in a year. Perhaps you won't even have that problem if they move back in with their mum.

No, they are different sexes

CecilyP · 28/08/2023 08:19

TheWayTheLightFalls · 28/08/2023 07:58

(Or partition the room and put the toddler and six year old in - but see if "own rooms" for all can happen somehow.)

I don’t think that would work as they’d still be disturbing each other. It would work better with the older ones to give them a bit of privacy.

BubziOwl · 28/08/2023 08:19

You are being totally unreasonable about the bedrooms, but everything else about this situation makes it sound to me like your fiancé is useless. I'd be reevaluating the relationship tbh.

JC89 · 28/08/2023 08:19

TimetoPour · 28/08/2023 07:59

YABU. The two girls should share and you need to find a way to make it work. It may not be what you wanted but sometimes life sucks.

Your DP pulls his finger out in the mornings and takes care of the older children getting ready and doing the school run. While this isn’t taking care of the baby it is taking charge of 2/3 of the children in your care. He was happy to take on his children FT so clearly not a deadbeat dad.

You say they get up very early- how early is early?

What is the family daily schedule?

What are you doing about sleep training with the baby?

What is your weekend schedule?

I know you say you are the main caregiver- so was I. There is always one who does a bit more. I did all feeds, nappy changes, got children dressed, got up in the night when they were sick or wet the bed, stayed when they wouldn’t settle. It sucks but it doesn’t last forever. Sleep deprivation makes you cranky and exacerbates all the small things. It will get better.

He was happy to take on his children FT so clearly not a deadbeat dad.
Is he talking on his children or is he expecting OP to be doing most of the work here?

arethereanyleftatall · 28/08/2023 08:20

usererror99 · 28/08/2023 07:12

You might be the primary care giver but he is the primary wage earner and presumably paying for everything

You knew he has 2 children full time before embarking on this relationship and having a child with him

Where did you get that from? The op hasn't detailed the finances. Quite a sexist assumption.

Nelliedeancomesclean · 28/08/2023 08:20

PinkCherryBlossoms · 28/08/2023 08:12

It amazes me how many posters have just completely ignored this part, honestly. In a thread that's found time for someone to invent a backstory about her being a SAHP despite OP's first post saying she works

Honestly I wonder if he didn't see OP coming. Doing everything for their 18 month old, earning more than him and going halves on the bigger property they need for his DC... one partner is doing much better out of this setup than the other!

Show quote history

Exactly this.

I do not know of anyone who has made a 'blended family'* work.

*blended family = both parties having custody of children.

Newsflash "The Brady Bunch" was a TV show not real life - and they did at least each have same sex children and a maid!

Here the only 'maid' is the OP who is getting royally hacked-off with it all.