To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

[newmom2022]

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

All 3 DC are siblings.

Also I don't think it's fair to stop DSC from seeing their DF in term time, so a baby can have a bedroom.

I think your DH is right, you do seem like you are wanting it this way just because it’s your baby and as if you are throwing his (should be referred to as yours too) kids off in a room together out of spite or something.

Do it now, do it again in 6 months - whatever, make your point. Your family is watching and the baby won't care.

Children of the same sex should share. In two years the 9 year old boy will be a tween and will want more privacy than the younger ones. If you’re that fussed about your child having their own room then you and your partner sleep on a sofa bed in the living room and give the rooms to the kids. If they were your own kids you would have the girls sharing.

Then he can have his own room in a year or two once the little one is in a better sleep pattern.

Take the biggest bedroom in the house and subdivide it , stud wall , maybe tiny but everyone has there own space .

Seem to be a number of issues - so getting them in the OPs order of priority would be the only way to give any understanding advice.

sleep deprivation is a method of torture- so depending on how bad baby is sleeping will probably have a large impact on OPs views…

If OPs DH is not pulling his weight with nights and caring for his own children on a general basis - another reason why OP may value sleep above anything and perhaps want to have her say on ‘some issues’…

If, as some PP have said, OP may be better off in a two bed home with her own child and own arrangements, then the DSC would be in an entirely different situation where sharing a bedroom for another year while baby learns to sleep through would actually be a v good scenario.

I’m sure a four bed house is expensive- but is it more expensively than two separate two / three bed places?

All depends doesn’t it on the basic set up and foundations of the relationship (or perhaps the confidence of OP to really do what she would really choose to do in an ideal world of financial set up and, well, confidence)…

Then he can have his own room in a year or two once the little one is in a better sleep pattern It may be needed earlier than that. We don’t know if he’s 9 nearly 10 or how mature he is etc. Surely the adults can sleep on a sofa bed until the little one is in a better sleep
pattern? Or keep them in the room with them in a junior bed. That’s what I did when I lived in a one bedroom flat with DD - junior bed with me until 5 and then me in a futon in the living room. If you don’t have the space for all of the children who live with you, probably best not to keep having them, or you make the sacrifice for space for them. Why should the step kids feel lesser than their toddler sibling?

To be honest I don't have a lot of sympathy for your situation. His youngest is 6 and your child is 18 months. You obviously didn't know him for very long between him splitting with his ex and you getting pregnant. Now you want your child to take precedence over the other two. This is why so many kids are damaged with the blended family dynamic. They've barely had time to get to know you properly and you're (you and him, not you) introducing another sibling and marriage into their very young lives. I don't understand why people can't consider the children who already exist and take things step by step with their best interests at heart.

Why would they feel lesser? They have a bedroom and are part of the family. I'd be surprised if the sdd actually wanted to share with a toddler struggling to sleep in reality!

It could just be for 6 months, who knows?

And even if the eldest is nearly 10 that still gives a year. He could have his own room by the time he starts secondary at the latest.

Don't forget this is all a big change of plan and for some reason the sdc are no longer spending most of the time at their mum's as planned. Perhaps she's the person who really needs to give her head a wobble, who knows?

Easier to blame the SM though, eh?

I'm glad you've seen that you can't reasonably enter a blended family with a clear intention to treat your step dc as second class to you biological dc. That would be an awful and damaging thing to do. It's better to face up now if you aren't up to being part of a blended family.

No, I blame both parents, not just the SM.

Only if you genuinely consider it unacceptable for siblings that age to still be sharing, which not everybody does. If you don't subscribe to that mentality, then they do have room for them.

Yeah…this.

Is the step children's mum contributing financially? If you only have a larger home because of her support, I'd say go with your husband's view on this. If however you are paying in the same as your husband, it's more like he is liable for 5/6 of children costs and you for 1/6, so surely your 50:50 contribution more than covers your baby having her own room...

This is exactly why some blended families don't work and the children from the first marriage grow up feeling like they came second to their half siblings, which will cause all sorts of problems emotionally and in relationships with both their parent and sibling. If you have children living with you, regardless of whether they are your biological kids or not, you can't look at it as if "I pay x, so my child gets priority in x, y and z". If you do think that way, don't be with someone who has kids.

@LillyOfTheValley2020 There is a piece of Environmental Health legislation that states that moral overcrowding exists when 2 children of opposite sexes have to share a bedroom and one is over 10. Local authority housing allocations consider this factor when determining overcrowding. The legislation clearly was brought in so girls weren't sexually abused by their brothers.

I have a nephew who started puberty at 10/11 so yes I absolutely think a 9 year old boy needs his own room.

Is one of the rooms big enough to build a partition stud wall and split into two smaller rooms? We’re doing this with our spare because I need an office now, just temp until we’ve saved for the extension :)

By the age of 10 boys and girls shouldn't be sharing a room anyway, so its not long before the boy will need his own room, depending how close to 10 he is it could be quite disruptive to have to change rooms so quickly.

Also, 18 months isn't a baby, it's a toddler. She might learn to sleep better sharing a room as she will get used to there being noise.

If your DD gets her own room, I would presume it's the smallest one. By giving this to your DSS, you will actually be giving your own DD more space. You can always put up a divider if you wish. My smallest bedroom is definitely less than half of my biggest one. 12x12 Vs 8x6...

You are wrong! It’s nothing to do with environmental health! There are rules for social housing only. And that is that 2 people over the age of 10 can’t share a bedroom unless they are a couple. This would only be relevant once the younger child reaches 10. It means that a family would be priority hot rehousing in this circumstance.

Is there a way you could divide the room so that the girls, although technically still share, they have their own space? with dividing cupboards, a screen or bunkbeds that are blocked in on opposite sides. I'm not sure why you don't want your DD up at the same time as the SC, surely they all need to be up for breakfast and school run etc. It's a good time to start new routines and expectations with a new school year and house move. Give them a pictorial schedule of how you see the morning going, with morning chores (dressing, washing, teeth and breakfast etc) first and playing with little sis after if there is time.
Be grateful that they are happy, get on and don't resent their stepmother.

I would direct you to the Housing Act 1985, which is actually a continuation of another piece of older legislation,and which used the term 'moral overcrowding'. I worked as a homeless /housing officer for over 30 years and occasionally did find families where statutory overcrowding occurred. It is actually very difficult to be statutory overcrowded as living rooms can be used as ' places to sleep', but it is where the notion that a child over 10 counts as a 'person' and should be treated as a person, not as a half person. From there comes the idea that , as a person they should not share. It is complicated ,but the age of 10 is what matters in the legislation.
Clearly owner occupiers do different things , but it's why the age of 10 sticks in people's heads.

I think you have two options, either you let the girls share and give the boy his own room or keep the baby in your own room and let the older two kids have their own room each. Maybe the baby isn’t yet ready for her own room from all you have mentioned. Just put her cot in your room till her schedule is fixed and then move her in with her sister once she is ready.

No, OP has another option. RTFT.

She can leave the Disney Dad and his kids that she never agreed to raise for him.

She and her baby - whom he clearly doesn't give a shit about - are better off without him.

Yes, a child over 10 counts as a person whereas a child under 10 does not. So the younger child does not count as a person until she is 10. Therefore there will not be 2 persons of the opposite sex sharing until the DD is 10. It’s academic really as OP and her partner are not in social housing. I also expect there to be a reorganisation of bedrooms with the girls sharing before then.

The NSPCC also advise that no child aged 10 or over should be sharing a room with the opposite sex. This means once the boy is 10 he shouldn't be sharing, regardless of the age of the girls.