To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

[newmom2022]

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

Will she. If babies nap during the day, they tend to be awake later than older children. This will change when the baby drops her daytime naps.

A 9 year old is unlikely to still be prepubescent, he deserves privacy from his sister.

It isn't ideal at all. You simply don't have room to accommodate all the children's needs without a sacrifice from yourself. I think the baby should be in your room and the other two children need their own room. Did you not think of these problems before you went ahead and had a baby. A six year old shouldn't share a room with a baby.

9 isn't a young child, he's an older child and will be in secondary in two years. If they were only staying a few nights at a time then I'd say you had two years where it would be okay to share with a younger sister. They could change in the bathroom and would presumably have private single sex sleeping space at their main home. As they are living with you full time would want the boy to be in his own room by 10.

The 9 year old will change and very soon. Social housing set the age at 10 for very good reasons, some of which is to protect the younger sibling but also to give the elder sibling privacy.

I would be advocating for having the eldest two to share for a short while until you’ve all settled in the house then you can change over in perhaps a years’ time. Your step dcs staying with you full time may not last so I wouldn’t tank your relationship based on this.

You might be the primary care giver but he is the primary wage earner and presumably paying for everything

You knew he has 2 children full time before embarking on this relationship and having a child with him

@TheBarbieEffect

I’m not that ridiculous to break up the relationship over a damn bedroom. My point was this situation is making me realize a bigger issue with my partner, and why I’m hesitant to sacrifice. He does not carry his weight, expects me to carry on while he thinks he can make all the decisions for everyone. I’ve given up a lot of my own dreams for him. I’ve loved and accepted his kids from the beginning. At times it feels like he’s taking advantage of me just to have the extra help. I feel no actual support from his side, only extra responsibility put on me. This is why I’m admitting, maybe I should go ahead and get out of this situation because I don’t like the way it’s looking.

Two beds in one room, a bed and a cot in the second room. The eldest two share mon - fri and then the girl moves to share with the toddler at the weekend.

This way you get to know if the girl and toddler keep each other awake but the girl isn't waking the toddler up on school days.

As the toddler sleeps more big sister can move rooms permenantly.

@usererror99

Thats not true actually. I make more money, and we split the bills.

He also never had them full time during the school year. Their mom always did because she lived right next to the school and wanted consistency. Circumstances have since changed.

@newmom2022 Are either of the rooms big enough to split into 2?

This feels like an extremely manipulative attitude to be honest. I don’t understand what you think you are “sacrificing”, you knew he had two kids when you decided to have a baby with him, you can’t just expect them to slot in around your dream life, they are children with their own needs.

If he doesn’t pull his weight that’s a separate matter, but I don’t understand this “make all the decisions”, there’s no decision to be made, the guidance is clear that opposite sex children shouldn’t share after 10 - case closed.

I’m sure you’ll make the right decision about your relationship for you and the kids- only you know what’s gone on, what you can put up with and how much your partner will be willing to change.

I think a good compromise for now, if you decide to stay, is to agree that the older kids share for a year until your daughter is 2.5 and in her big girl bed with a less baby-like sleep schedule. And after that you move the girls to be in a room together.

But if I’m being honest I think this is a worse solution than the girls sharing straight away- as you’ll have to readjust your then 2 year old to sharing after she’s learnt to sleep in her own room, whereas if the girls share straight away she’ll learn to settle from a very young age in a room with her sister.

I agree with this. It seems to be the best compromise in this situation.

And I totally understand your feelings. Currently sharing our bedroom with our 18m old due to issues with room sharing and I would love to have a little sanctuary room for her to do the things you mentioned. Wind down, sleep schedule, routine. We were looking to buy a bigger house but with rising interest rates it's not practical for us right now and I am somewhat grieving the 'nursery' she will never have. I'm also struggling with letting this go. So I get it.

Well that’s a new take on the situation! Meanwhile 6year olds are sharing with babies all over the country! However, continuing to share with the baby is actually a perfectly sensible situation.

I know it’s not really a hardship for young same sex siblings to share a room. Many westerners don’t know how lucky they are and how the majority of people around the world live.

This. The oldest two should share for now and then the girls can share in a year or two when the baby’s older and needs less sleep

I don't really understand the concern over toddlers sleep unless she's on a bit of an unusual schedule.

Most toddlers would be waking up around the time older children are waking to get ready for school, its not a problem for an 18m old to be up by 7am or so.

At bedtime, you just have the 6 yr old read in your room from 7pm til half 7 or so while you put the little one to bed. She's old enough to go in quietly and not disturb the toddler.

Tbh though its clear that age/gender aren't really your priority here, you don't want your child to share a room.

Even if at 6 & 9 the boy& girl can share, puberty may be not far off and honestly its not fair on either to share with a child of the other sex at that point, so your daughter will eventually be sharing with her sister. If you can't cope with that you aren't in the right relationship.

Room 1 - you and baby
room 2- dad and son
room 3- 6 year old girl

is there any opportunity to extend or convert into another bedroom?

is mum paying maintenance?

Is there no possible way you can make it into a 4 bed? Divid the biggest room or give up a room downstairs? There are some really clever tricks to house a small bedroom space with everything you need

I do however think if you are questioning your relationship then maybe you need to do something about it and the bedroom situation is the least of your worries

Yes, I got manipulation from it too. I foresee an ultimatum being issued

But you’re not accepting the kids. All your posts show very much you see “you” child as the more important one. All three children live there full time so you can’t ignore that fact just because it suits you better.

the sharing isn’t ideal but given the set up it’s the most sensible way.

My DC2 started sharing a room with DC1 at just short of 2yo and honestly the sleep improved no end as a result of them being together in a room (bunks with oldest on top). Mine have not been good sleepers either (babies on the whole aren’t! It’s a developmental thing) but DC3 will join them soon and we will have a 7,5 and 2yo sharing. I think it actually makes them better sleepers as they get used to sleeping through the noises of others. There might be some short term upset whilst you get into the swing of things but I think (if you can get into the right frame of mind) you’ll find it positive.

You are very much PFB here, if those older kids were biologically yours you wouldn’t be posting this because 3rd time around you realise babies are very adaptable (and you as a parent are a lot more chilled)

Unfortunately I do sort of agree that the girls should share a room. Having said that, I would wait a couple more years until your youngest sleeps a bit better and won't wake up so easily.

Technically if this was a council or housing association house, then they would easily be able to share a room until one of them has hit puberty, then they would have to be separated. So it's not crazy what youre thinking. If the 2 sibling had the biggest room, if that would work, could you put up some sort of temporary divider?

Sorry but how could not foresee this? Sounds like a very unbalanced family set up, it’s clear you prioritise your child over the step children. And why is he not doing childcare for the baby? I’d be leaving him to be honest, it sounds very toxic. The room sharing is a bit irrelevant in the big picture but for what it’s worth, the girls should share.