To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

[newmom2022]

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

Honestly, if this was your mindset, you needed to buy a 4 bedroom home and not the three bedroom. I can totally understand how you are feeling, but it isn't practical to have the two step-children sharing a room. If your baby was a boy, he would need to share with the 9-year-old. It's just common sense.

Why?

@Nanaof1

We have never had the kids during the school year, this is a first. It was a sudden and last minute change. They have predominately stayed with their mother for the school year. When we chose this house, they were only going to stay with us on weekends and breaks. In that case, everyone was fine with the older kids sharing a room and the baby having her own nursery.

I don't think your step children can share indefinitely - once the eldest is 11 really he will need his own room. But I don't think it would be unreasonable to wait a year or two to sort out the younger one's sleep. I don't think it's fair to the 6 year old or the 18month old to have disrupted sleep.

Maybe the sensible option is to have two beds in both rooms set up - for now, the 6 year old sleeps with her brother and you can use the bed in the baby's room to sit and read books on or for one of you to sleep in with her if she's unwell. And then later on the girls can share and the boy can have a spare bed for sleepovers with friends etc

Is the idea that they are just with you for this school year or is this intended to be the case for some years to come?

Surely the time to think about this was before you had children with a man who already had kids? Are you going to break up your family because you can’t have your dream nursery? Could you or your partner not work some more hours to afford a 4 bed if it’s so important to you?

@Batatahara

Totally agree. Never meant to imply that this would be a permanent arrangement. I have no problem with the girls sharing a room when my youngest regulates her sleep better. I’m sure they’d both enjoy it.

I read that and I do understand that. But, at some point, even if they had stayed with their mother for the school year, they'd still be spending time and overnights at your house. That still would require that the girls share because soon the nine-year-old will be ten and even now, he is just too old to share with a sister. So, you still needed a four-bedroom home, no matter where the children spent the school year if you wanted your DD to have her own room. Just because everyone was "fine" with the two older kids sharing a room, it wouldn't continue to be fine and honestly, it isn't now.

I know you probably don't agree with my opinion but it is what it is.

I think the baby needs her own room until she has settled into a good sleep routine, especially if the older kids are getting up early for school. Then perhaps in a year or two she could share with her step sister so the boy gets his own room.

Id agree with this. Give it a couple of years to when your DD is a little girl, rather than a baby, and her routine is more like the older children’s and then the 2 girls can share.

@Nanaof1

Of course if money wasn’t an object I’d have a 4 bedroom home. This is what we could afford right now, in a decent area.

Are any of the bedrooms big enough to split in two?

The OP could always work more hours as the OP wants the extra room, I really think all this should have been thought of before having another child if you are that intense on it

Your DSS is prepubescent NOW, because he's 9. He will soon be 10. And then probably have a phone. Then puberty.

You absolutely CANNOT have him share with his 3 years younger sister. You just can't. Seriously, there is a reason this is often a red line for social housing etc.

You and your DP made a poor decision buying a 3-bed house (even if his children were only spending non-school days at yours, the girl and boy can't share).

Your DD needs to share with her sister, or with you, or you need to divide up a room into two somehow.

It seems there is some resentment towards your step children, as if you deem your own child’s
needs as more important than theirs? Every child should be treated fairly. If you can’t do that and stop the ‘ranking’ of the children then don’t be a step parent.

I also just want to point out that it is not guaranteed that your 18 month old will sleep much better anytime soon. My son is nearly 3 and still a shit sleeper and I wouldn’t dream of putting him in the same room as another child. I would suggest a solution is found sooner rather than later tbh, rather than waiting a year.

@AuContraire

Never said it was a permanent room setup. Beds can easily be moved into the next room over whenever it’s appropriate.

You wouldn’t have even asked the question for your baby if the older children were yours. Clearly the baby girl should sleep in the same room as her sister. It’s up to you adjust your and your babies sleeping pattern around the older ones. Instead of blaming the older twos fixed schedule for disrupting you and your babies morning routine.

There is no reasonable excuse for your baby to have her own room.

You’d be better off asking us tips on sleep routines for babies.

Even if the step children were only there 2-3 nights, the boy and girl can’t share a room, so your daughter would be sharing anyway. The toddler will be going to sleep earlier than her sister, that along with furniture planning suc as a dividing bookcase can ‘hide’ her older sister for night wakes.

@Simonjt

Can I honestly ask what is so forbidden about two young biological siblings close in age sharing a bedroom? Everyone says this as if I’m asking if a 17 year old boy can share a room with a 4 year old girl. I’m talking about 2 innocent prepubescent children temporarily sharing a room.

Im genuinely asking because so many of you are so adamant about this.

I think @Batatahara has a perfect solution. Two beds in each room and try having the older two share for one year. But, be prepared that it might not work out if all they end up winding each other up or argue.
But "planning" your move with the thought that the DSC would only be there sometimes was not realistic. At any time, they could become your fiancé's total responsibility. Their mother could get deathly ill, become disabled, die or go to prison. Nothing is ever guaranteed and your "plans" should always account for that possibility.

I am sorry to read that you are re-thinking your life with your fiancé. You knew he had children before he proposed and you had your own child. If he is truly a crappy NVDP, that is one thing, but to get distraught over the fact that your DD may not have her very own nursery/room to the point of thinking about ending the relationship is OTT.

Can’t the baby stay in your room until she’s sleeping better? That would seem the obvious solution to me. She’s too young to care about her own room, you would get up and down less in the night. All the ‘nursery’ crap is largely consumerist nonsense for the parents tbh. Babies don’t care about their rooms and would rather be close to their parents. Then your (presumably very unsettled) step children could have the pleasure of their own rooms - when they are of an age to appreciate it. Your daughter can then move in with her sister once she’s sleeping better.

I think sleep deprivation might be making you v anxious (and yes unreasonable) about this but I think a cot next to the bed or even cosleeping would help with this. Also tell your fiancé to step up and do more with your daughter! Maybe she can sleep on his side of the bed ;)

Because 9 isn’t that young.

I can’t believe you would break up your family because you can’t get your own way over a room. That’s so selfish.

If you didn’t want a blended family you shouldn’t have got together with a man with kids. But you did. And now you’re going to create another broken home?

Put the 18 month old in her own room for 6 months and work on sleep training. After that even if she is sleeping badly move the two girls into the largest room, you and husband have the second largest, the boy gets the smallest room. If possible put wardrobes or a curtain to divide the largest room a little so the smallest doesnt see her sister as easily.

Some children need a dark, quiet room to sleep (and that's better for their eyes), other need a nightlight.

I think the older 2 can share until the eldest is finishing primary. So maybe a couple of years and then the girls will need to go in together.

OP did you not have any input when it was suddenly decided that your step kids would be staying with you all year round? It must have been something pretty dramatic to suddenly change the arrangement. You should have been included in these conversations and the bedroom setup would have been a natural concern to voice. I’m not saying you didn’t but I’m curious how this happened so suddenly without you getting any input?