To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

[newmom2022]

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

As someone SA & later raped by a brother with a lesser age gap from the age 8, I'd advise separate room for the boy.
That said, SA can happen even when not sharing a room.

This seems ridiculous. It would only be for less than a year then the older kids would have to have seperate rooms anyway. NSPCC UK ‘Legislation states that children of the opposite sex over the age of 10 should not share rooms - and this can be considered overcrowding.’
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/in-the-home/sharing-a-bedroom/#

It makes much more sense for the sense for the girl to share with the 18mo as this is the way it’s going to need to go forward shortly anyway.

I appreciate all the answers so far. I’m open to other ideas and opinions, or else I never would have asked if I’m being unreasonable.

A genuine question I have, if the girls were to share a room, how will I ever get the 18 month old to sleep? When I say she has a hard time, falling asleep, I also mean that she will not fall asleep if she sees the older two siblings. She fights her sleep for hours and rarely takes naps during the day. She wakes up multiple times a night still, even when she was in her crib in my room.

Even if I did agree for them to share a room, how am I supposed to
deal with a screaming crying baby refusing to go to sleep because she sees “sissy”? How is the 6 year old girl supposed to sleep like this either?

Ask your DH those questions.

I know about the guidelines from age 10 and I also agree with the suggestion. You should explain to your dp your baby will likely have changed a lot in a year or so and that the girls should share when it is more practical to do so.

Cross post. If this is the case, maybe it would be better to have the baby back in with you for a while.

I’m a step mum too and have my own daughter so I get wanting your DD to have her own room, especially as you seem to do all the work and probably pay half the bills mortgage too!! However, everyone else is right the boy girl shouldn’t be together in the same room. Really annoying for you that you discussed it beforehand and now things have changed I would be furious.

Is there a compromise that works for you all. Is there a dining room one child can have, can you and your fiancé take a smaller room with just a bed and then split the main bedroom into two smaller bedrooms

I can see both points of view here. Kids of different sexes should have their own rooms where possible. Saying that, my son and daughter would have preferred to sleep in a room with each other than with a child who isn’t their full sibling. Especially a child that would be annoying to them with the screaming.

My daughter was also a dreadful sleeper. She stayed in our room until her sleep improved. It made it easier for us to settle her quicker. Could you keep your daughter in with you for a while longer, then when she’s sleeping better, she can share.

I’d be asking your fiancé if you should be looking at moving again so you can accommodate all the kids. Why did he not say this before so you could’ve looked for a bigger house or a different set up???
i agree they are getting too old to share; but that he should have planned better to accommodate all three children.
He sounds a bit useless tbh..

I can see both points of view basically you need a four bed house. Is there a way you can split a room With furniture into two or can you use a downstairs room for the eldest?

I’d divide the biggest room so your step children get their own space and privacy. Lots of threads talking about dividing rooms with wardrobes creating a divide one facing each side of the room. Or bunks that have a wall on alternate sides so they each get a private space.

Or bookcases one facing each way to divide the room.

My boys share - 2 years and 5 years. Started sharing when the baby was nearly a year. I don't like it but we cope.

Youngest goes to bed first as he would be too excited to sleep if they both go together. Eldest goes in 30 min later.

If either of having a bad night we bring one into our bed so the other gets to sleep.

For those saying this has happened because circumstances have changed as OP now having step children for school year, what were the proposed sleeping arrangements for when you were going to have the children less @newmom2022?

? I didn't suggest anything about being a sahm.

Yabu. Makes sense girls share room, boy has other room. Can't see any other way to do it

The boy needs his own room, I see that as non negotiable, within a year anyway. Maybe the toddler should stay in with you longer until she is easier to settle.

It's important to know there are laws in place to help make sure everyone's home is safe and comfortable. Legislation states that children of the opposite sex over the age of 10 should not share rooms - and that this can be considered overcrowding.

This is wrong! Legislation only applies to social housing and it is only statutory overcrowding once the second child reaches the age of 10 when the council becomes obliged to rehouse the family.

Totally unreasonable for a boy and girl of that age to share a room sorry.

Is there anyway to make a fourth bedroom? Convert the loft, divide up a room?

To solve your issue of being woken up early just adjust yours and babies sleep routine and go to bed earlier.

To solve the issue of you being the main caregiver start leaving the baby with their Dad and say you’re going out! Get a hobby or something.

If baby not sleeping well I’d keep them in your room until they are ready to share a room.

So if they were in social housing, which they are not, there would be 4 years to separate the older children.

You need 4 bedrooms. Splitting one is the obvious solution.

Your 18mo will become more used to sleeping around her siblings as she adjusts to them being there more. Its still a novelty right now.

I totally get it @newmom2022 and would feel the same but the older kids definitely can't share. You need to work out a plan with your partner so it doesn't all fall on you, but if you can't have a bigger house then there isn't much option but for the girls to share. I would hate it too

You may find that your dd settles better when she is in her own room but it could be a tough transition. I would move her sooner rather than later, before school starts back if possible and then the 6yr old can catch up on sleep in the day. Divide the room up if possible with your dd in the further part so her sister can come and go without waking her.

Starting to rethink my relationship TBH. It seems to be the popular answer that the (9 year old, prepubescent) boy absolutely needs his own room for some reason. I’m honest enough to admit that i don’t want to make that sacrifice so I may need to
rethink my future and the family Im marrying into. My partner doesn’t sacrifice anything for me, so this is making me realize I’m holding some
resentment. We haven’t ever had the kids this much and it was a very sudden and last minute change. The 18 month old needs her own nursery due to her temperament and it stresses me out beyond words to imagine a room setup any other way. Thanks everyone. ;-(

@newmom2022 I’m going to go against the grain here and say I don’t think YABU.

I think the baby needs her own room until she has settled into a good sleep routine, especially if the older kids are getting up early for school. Then perhaps in a year or two she could share with her step sister so the boy gets his own room.

My DD and DS, who admittedly are very close, shared a room until they were 11 and 8 and although it wasn’t ideal it worked fine for us.

It certainly is NOT illegal as a PP suggested 🙄

I do think you need to look at how much your fiancé pulls his weight and your communication ASAP though, or this relationship is unlikely to last as you already have the strain of a blended family.