To want my 18 month old to have her own room?

[newmom2022]

I have two step children, a 9 year old boy and a 6 year old girl who we have full time, their mother is involved, but they live with us for the school year. My fiance and I have a little girl together, 18 months old. I work from home.

We recently moved into a new house with 3 bedrooms (upgrade from what we had.) I have been so looking forward to my 18 month old finally having a nursery, something I was never able to give her when she was born due to the lack of bedrooms in our apartment. Due to this, her crib has always been in my fiance and I’s room and the older kids shared a room. I couldn’t wait to have a sanctuary to get her to sleep and wind down and get a good sleep schedule started for her (which we’ve always struggled with.)

Soon as we moved in this house, my fiance and his kids have suddenly demanded that the girls share a room, and the 9 year old boy gets his own bedroom. I have been so upset and honestly annoyed and pissed off because of this. Not to mention, the kids come home from school every day talking about how everyone on their side of the family (including MIL) agrees the girls should share a room and the boy gets his own (as if it’s any of their business what works for my family).

I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion. My fiance and his kids get up extremely early during the week because of his job and their school schedule. I am extremely offended by this request because I know my baby, and I know what works best for her. She already has trouble falling asleep at night, and is an extremely light sleeper. The second the kids get up for schooL and start turning lights on, water running, etc. my 18 month old wakes up and wants to play with the older kids. Not only does this totally screw up my sleep and my baby’s sleep schedule, but this slows down them getting out the door for school because the older kids are wanting to play with the baby.

I’ve just brought it back up to my fiancé to reevaluate and I had a break down tonight finally. He keeps saying it doesn’t make any sense for the older kids to share a room since the boy needs his own room and they “fight too much”. He’s making it seem like I’m wanting it this way just because it’s my baby and as if I’m throwing his kids off in a room together out of spite or something. That’s not my personality at all and I do so much to help out with them. I’m so sick of being treated like my opinion doesn’t matter. What happened to “mother knows best?” Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.

AIBU? What would you do or say in this situation?

This comment is absurd stop being such a martyr “Especially a mother who is the MAIN & ONLY caregiver of said baby.” You’re not a saint. Make dad do his fair share then.

You share with baby
dad shares with boy
girl gets smallest room
that’s what I’d do ,while I made plans to leave

The 9 year old will change and very soon. Social housing set the age at 10 for very good reasons, some of which is to protect the younger sibling but also to give the elder sibling privacy.

For social housing, it’s when the younger child reaches 10 that they need to be separated! There’s even a worked example on the NSPCC link with 2 children with exactly the same age gap.

OP, this jumped out at me- "I am the primary caregiver of my 18 month old and to be brutally honest my fiance does nearly nothing but maybe play with her on occasion."

Stop right there.

Do you really want to be with a man who is so disinterested in his own child?

"At times it feels like he’s taking advantage of me just to have the extra help. I feel no actual support from his side, only extra responsibility put on me. This is why I’m admitting, maybe I should go ahead and get out of this situation because I don’t like the way it’s looking."

It feels like it because that's what's happening.

Do not under any circumstances marry this man.

He's treating you like the nanny/au pair.

I'd make plans to leave OP.

I honestly don't see the whole "they are different genders so they can't share!" problem. They are brother and sister and the youngest is only 6. They are not different species and genders don't matter that much until they become teenager.

I'm more afraid that the 6 year old won't get her sleep with a toddler in the room. Best solution is that you keep the 18 mo old with you, tell your fiance to tiptoe out when he gets up and give the two oldest their own room with the added suggestion that she will be sharing a room with one of them in a year. Perhaps you won't even have that problem if they move back in with their mum.

Baby should be in with you until you can get her to the point where she's going to sleep early (earlier than the stepkids) and reliably staying asleep through the night. Then she moves in with her stepsister.

That's what happens in loads of households with full siblings sharing.

They are different sexes, and the law and the NSPCC recognise that it matters before they are teenagers.

I do understand your point of view as I have a child the same age. However maybe you need to stipulate a time frame on your baby having her own room. Maybe say when your step son turns 10 he can have his own room, as by then your baby should be better with sleep. What about turning the loft into a room for your step son?

But did you not discuss the setup before moving? And who takes care of the children as they live with you FT? If he doesn't do anything for the baby, then he's probably the same with the older kids. And why on earth did you then have a baby with him? I would definitely want my baby to have their own room.

The alternative is that your SD has the smallest room, you share with your daughter and your husband shares with your stepson.

If it were LA or HA then the mixed siblings could share until the eldest is 10. That gives them a year.

Partitioning one of the bedrooms might be the answer.

my brother and I are 2.5 years apart. We lived in a 2 bed council house until I hit 10. Once I hit 10 years old we were allocated extra points and offered a 3 bed house as the local authority (and many do) say that children of the opposite sex should have separate bedrooms once they reach ten years old. So although your step children are close in age you eldest will be starting puberty soon. These rules do not apply to the private sector.

a) your partner needs to step up and do some parenting. Why can’t he deal with the toddler whilst you sleep?
b) the six year old needs to learn to leave the room quietly in the morning without waking others.
C) could the two siblings share a room for a year whilst the toddlers sleep gets sorted?

“For some reason”? Because he’s literally about to enter the window of wet dreams and masturbation. That’s not appropriate for his sister to be around.

The issue here is behaviour managemenr. And I don’t mean discipline. But there are lots of red flag comments. What time, for example, does your daughter get up? One comment was that they wake her when they get up for school. That’s a completely normal time for a toddler to rise. I’m stunned she’s still sleeping at that time. Have you considered consistently getting up at that time might help with the sleep? Teaching her also that she’s young and doesn’t get to do what her siblings do. Same thing. It needs to happen. Let your SD be involved in bedtime for example. And then consistently enforce step children need to be quiet.

Also, keep a cot in your room. It’s not uncommon when children share rooms and there are age gaps like this for toddler to stay with parents well beyond this age. Make her a nice room with her sister but be a bit more flexible than you are now.

The bedrooms are a cipher for the major problems in your relationship.

The sensible rooming option isn’t what you want- the boy is fast approaching puberty, he and his sister need privacy from one another.

The 2 girls have the biggest room, and you find a way to divide it as much as possible with furniture/screens.

The issue is that this is a decision-apparently among many-that you have no agency over. All of the decisions are being made for you, and despite being the main earner you are also taking on all childcare responsibilities for all the children, all the time. This isn’t the relationship you agreed to .

You need to have a serious talk with your partner about the wider relationship, because it looks very much like he thinks he gets to order you about while he absents himself from parenting.

My two girls shared until eldest was nine even though we had a spare room as mother in law stays over a lot. We then got a loft extension done but for a year they didn’t actually want to sleep in their own room anyway!

OP you’re projecting your idea of perfection. But you don’t have the luxury of perfection. The kids probably won’t mind in the slightest until eldest girl starts secondary. That gives you time to think about what is next. Just make sure the eldest girl has some shelves out of the reach of the little one for previous or tiny items.

For anyone else I'd suggest you put the toddler in the smallest room by herself for the upcoming school year, purposely make efforts to sort out her sleep and then swap her and your stepson in the next summer hols, in time for what I'm guessing is his final year of primary and SATS and getting used to being more independent. However I get the feeling that even if your Dd then went down like a dream, you'd block all attempts to swap them over! This is about more than just a "nursery".

Therefore either put your little one in with her sister from the start and you will all get used to it or keep her in with you until she's a better sleeper and then the girls share.

How much discussion was there/how much say did you get in the sudden change? Was it before or after you moved? I think this runs deep and is more about the pattern of your lives together in general.

I understand your sadness about your little one not having her own room, especially if you and your partner had previously discussed it . It’s a shame but I think I agree with most others that the plan will need to change.

At some point, even if things hadn’t changed, the older children would have been staying with you. The 9 year old is getting too old to share a room with his sister. It’s recommended that brothers and sisters stop sharing rooms, if possible, at the age of 10 and he’s very close to that. To me there would be no point decorating a room for the son and daughter to share for under a year and then to have to change.

Overall this is a discussion to have with your partner. I know it’s annoying when the children come home and say everyone agrees with them but truth is, most people will agree with them. If you are really unhappy about this and find yourself questioning the relationship then I guess I’d be left wondering if there is more to it.

Overall I would give each child a room in the house. I’d probably decorate the girls room for both of them and keep the 18mo th old in my room until she regulated her sleep. I would try explain to the 6 year old that at night time when the baby is sleeping, the 6 year old should play downstairs until bed time.

I think you are getting a lot of harsh replies on here! You never intended any of the children to be permanently sharing a room as you weren't expecting them all to be there most of the time (and generally speaking I don't think two siblings of different gender should never share a room, although you wouldn't want it to be full time. We did this on holiday/ family coming to stay etc for at most a few weeks in the year). What would their sleeping arrangements have been at their mother's house? And what do the kids think about sharing?

Ideally they would all have their own room but you don't have that option (unless one can be split). Staying in your room for now would help with the 6 year old's sleep while they are at school, the idea of starting to get the girls sharing at the weekend and moving towards having them sharing permanently is a good one.

And while it would be a shame to end the relationship (more for the children than anything else, sounds like they get on with the baby and you're a very involved step mother, so it would be hard for them to lose you) I don't think you're unreasonable to be considering it. It sounds like you've been taken advantage of and the bedroom thing is the last straw. You need to talk to your partner about how strongly you feel about all this - maybe if he knows you're considering leaving he'll take your concerns more seriously and you can work together to find a solution.

It seems to be the popular answer that the (9 year old, prepubescent) boy absolutely needs his own room for some reason

You're looking at it wrong. Siblings of the opposite sex should probably not be sharing from around the age of 10. When is he 10?

The boy and girl shouldn't share. I'd put the girls together and the boy in his own (smallest) room.

Hi Op don't panic about the 18 month old sharing with older girl. It'll be fine. When I moved my 18 month old in with her sister I thought would be nightmare but it actually helped my youngest sleep. As far as bedtime routine you can put baby to sleep first and then about 30mins to an hour later when they are sound sneak in the older sibling. (do their bedtime story and getting ready downstairs). You may have to accept that all the children get up at the same time. Your Dd will likely need to get used to getting up on a schedule anyway as they will need to when they start school.

Don't worry about night wakings, kids sleep through all kids of disturbance once they get used to sharing a room.

I think the other key thing to remember in all of this is that the recent move to them living with you full time has been a massive upheaval for everyone but most so the children and the adults involved need to be very careful not to come across as resenting that move (even if deep down the do) because that is only going to make things worse.

everyone needs some stability now to get used to the new normal, for that reason personally I wouldn’t go down the lines of a temporary arrangement as that means more upheaval in a year or so.

I'd be reevaluating the relationship because your fiance does virtually fuck all with your daughter. The bedroom situation is a red herring.

But you’re not accepting the kids. All your posts show very much you see “you” child as the more important one.

OP hasn’t slept for 18 months and was quite looking forward to a full nights sleep … not suddenly being the main care giver of three children.

I think you need to look at the dividing bunk beds for the eldest two and put them in the bigger room and have baby sleep in her own room.

Sleep is the most important thing here, with a decent nights sleep you can do anything.

If your DH isn’t onboard then things need to change. He has a choice here - step up or move out.

This nails it ^^.

You don't have a bedroom problem OP, you have a fiance problem.