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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think her her need for respect doesn’t trump mine?

243 replies

Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:11

Prefacing this by saying I know this isn’t the end of the world and it’s not a war but it’s just really getting on my tits if I’m honest.

I have a family member (let’s call her H) who is very very religious, married an equally religious man, and is raising equally religious kids. Fine, I respect that - our beliefs are different but that’s more than ok, I am actually deeply interested in other peoples religions and cultures and find it makes for interesting conversations 95% of the time.

however, I feel like my whole family feel like everyone should dance to her tune just because of her beliefs.

example: a family holiday has been proposed. H won’t be happy for me (an adult and a mother) to drink/get drunk, wear anything revealing such as a tie string bikini, swear, listen to non-secular music within her ear shot, watch your average TV with her in the room etc. and the rest of my family will expect me to tow the line “because I have to respect H”

H doesn’t respect or listen to my beliefs (which I don’t try and force on anyone or even bring up, it’s only if it comes up in conversation). Says my beliefs are witchcraft and a sin.

other examples are:

  • won’t come to family parties as she doesn’t want to be around alcohol
  • Has opinions on everyone’s clothing (her kids have been known in the past to say people should be ashamed for their short skirts)
  • censors photographs of teenagers in our family with emojis (e.g if they’re wearing a tight T-shirt she’ll put a big flower emoji over the chest area on her social media)
  • tells me she’ll pray for me and actively prays for me to “see the light” and open my heart. I don’t feel comfortable with this.
  • wont allow me to stay over with my partner as we’re not married but we’ve been together 12 years and have 2 kids (which is absolutely her right as it’s her home, but it kind of sets the undertone for other settings)
  • Thinks being gay is absolutely wrong and sinful and there’s no two ways about it. Despite us having gay people in the family whom she also prays for.
  • has very blatantly spoke about other religions in a less than acceptable way

Whilst I do respect her and her beliefs, AIBU to think she should let me be too? Why should I have to change how I behave just because her religion disapproves? Aside from religion, H as a person is funny, sporty, interesting and outgoing. I know none of what she says is through malice but I’m just feeling really irked at the thought of being censored on this holiday

OP posts:
justanothernamechangemonday · 27/08/2023 10:13

I wouldn't be going on the holiday. Sod that.

MrsDBaddiel · 27/08/2023 10:13

Sorry but she sounds like a complete bigot, I wouldn’t be pandering to her nonsense.

HollyGolightly4 · 27/08/2023 10:14

A family holiday sounds like a complete nightmare - you're going to end up feeling incredibly resentful, or incredibly frustrated at the constant commentary.

They don't sound like they respect others.

YANBU to feel irked, I think it WBU to go!

Turquoisesea · 27/08/2023 10:14

No her needs don’t trump yours, she can live anyway she chooses but she doesn’t get to tell other people how to live theirs. I wouldn’t be going on the holiday.

Turtlegurl888 · 27/08/2023 10:16

No way would I go on holiday with her and if she asks why I'd send her the list of reasons you outlined.

AzureBlue99 · 27/08/2023 10:16

I would not want to be around such a judgemental and arrogant person. Go no contact.

user1471447924 · 27/08/2023 10:17

I would be choosing not to spend any time with H.

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:18

HollyGolightly4 · 27/08/2023 10:14

A family holiday sounds like a complete nightmare - you're going to end up feeling incredibly resentful, or incredibly frustrated at the constant commentary.

They don't sound like they respect others.

YANBU to feel irked, I think it WBU to go!

This is the thing! I do feel like it sets a constant undertone but there isn’t really a running commentary from her I just seem to really notice the atmosphere, and even things like having to say Grace every meal while everyone waits for their prayer to be finished before we start is noticeable to me

OP posts:
Dinojump · 27/08/2023 10:18

I'm a Christian.

She doesn't sound like the type of person I would want to be around.

Sounds very extreme.

Alycidon · 27/08/2023 10:18

Clearly the holiday is a non-starter.

Soubriquet · 27/08/2023 10:18

Fuck that. I wouldn’t go anywhere with her.

A holiday is somewhere to relax and have fun, not being judged constantly because you don’t live up to her fantasy standards

Changingplace · 27/08/2023 10:19

Not a chance I’d be going on the holiday, I’d be spending as little time around her as possible tbh, sounds exhausting.

ATerrorofLeftovers · 27/08/2023 10:22

I couldn’t holiday with somebody that harshly judgemental and controlling. She’s rude and arrogant too. Where’s the fun for you? She’s unlikely to listen to you and see your point of view, I fear. This kind of person is usually utterly convinced of their own righteousness. But yes, she should respect you too.

KezzaMucklowe · 27/08/2023 10:22

I wouldn't want to go either.
Yanbu.

SavBlancTonight · 27/08/2023 10:23

Bollocks to that. Dh has a branch of the family that is religious and Muslim. We do not take alcohol or pork to their house, we respect their prayer time and other commitments ans are supportive.

They would laugh at me, on the other hand, if I turned up wearing a head scarf (unless for appropriate event such as wedding etc) or said I felt uncomfortable ordering a glass of wine while we were all out together.

Don't go on holiday with this person, obviously.

Dinojump · 27/08/2023 10:23

The trouble is, there is no reasoning with fundamentalists. They are 100% right and won't even consider for a second that people have the right to live their lives in ways which are different to theirs.

Don't go on holiday.

I'm intrigued to know what group/cult they belong to.

Cucucucu · 27/08/2023 10:23

No no no , respecting others people religion ends when they interfere in your own life . For me nobody that is a bigot deserves respect so anyone coming out with things as being gay is sinful and awful would get a earful and would be told to respect my right to not have bigotry around my children . Just put te back in their place ! Religion hides all sort of bad people ! By all men’s preach to any imaginary creature in your home all you wish but do nit impose it on others

WingedHermes · 27/08/2023 10:24

Well obviously I'm childish but I'd go all out...thong bikini etc

Shinyandnew1 · 27/08/2023 10:26

Holidays are precious-they are not to be spent with people that are really hard work.

Don’t go on the holiday and see H as little as possible. How often do you see them?

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:27

WingedHermes · 27/08/2023 10:24

Well obviously I'm childish but I'd go all out...thong bikini etc

I’ve just let out the deepest cough/splutter/howl at this! because this is normally what I would wear ordinarily on holiday (Brazilian roots 🤣) but I would’ve made it more modest here with full briefs

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 27/08/2023 10:27

Your holiday is supposed to be fun so don't go with her. I'm sure H is lovely but you won't be able to relax as you'd like to

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:28

Cucucucu · 27/08/2023 10:23

No no no , respecting others people religion ends when they interfere in your own life . For me nobody that is a bigot deserves respect so anyone coming out with things as being gay is sinful and awful would get a earful and would be told to respect my right to not have bigotry around my children . Just put te back in their place ! Religion hides all sort of bad people ! By all men’s preach to any imaginary creature in your home all you wish but do nit impose it on others

I agree, it is bigotry. We’ve clashed a couple of times about it over dinner when she’s sat saying how much she fears for our gay relative and how sad it is and how she will just continue to pray for his repentance or whatever it’s called

OP posts:
IHateWasps · 27/08/2023 10:28

I'm sure H is lovely but you won't be able to relax as you'd like to

She sounds about as far from lovely as you can get.

There's not a chance in hell that I'd be going anywhere with her let alone on holiday.

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:28

Daleksatemyshed · 27/08/2023 10:27

Your holiday is supposed to be fun so don't go with her. I'm sure H is lovely but you won't be able to relax as you'd like to

I think this is bang on the money tbh.

OP posts:
CruCru · 27/08/2023 10:30

Yeah, this just doesn’t sound like a fun holiday to go on. So give it a miss.