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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think her her need for respect doesn’t trump mine?

243 replies

Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:11

Prefacing this by saying I know this isn’t the end of the world and it’s not a war but it’s just really getting on my tits if I’m honest.

I have a family member (let’s call her H) who is very very religious, married an equally religious man, and is raising equally religious kids. Fine, I respect that - our beliefs are different but that’s more than ok, I am actually deeply interested in other peoples religions and cultures and find it makes for interesting conversations 95% of the time.

however, I feel like my whole family feel like everyone should dance to her tune just because of her beliefs.

example: a family holiday has been proposed. H won’t be happy for me (an adult and a mother) to drink/get drunk, wear anything revealing such as a tie string bikini, swear, listen to non-secular music within her ear shot, watch your average TV with her in the room etc. and the rest of my family will expect me to tow the line “because I have to respect H”

H doesn’t respect or listen to my beliefs (which I don’t try and force on anyone or even bring up, it’s only if it comes up in conversation). Says my beliefs are witchcraft and a sin.

other examples are:

  • won’t come to family parties as she doesn’t want to be around alcohol
  • Has opinions on everyone’s clothing (her kids have been known in the past to say people should be ashamed for their short skirts)
  • censors photographs of teenagers in our family with emojis (e.g if they’re wearing a tight T-shirt she’ll put a big flower emoji over the chest area on her social media)
  • tells me she’ll pray for me and actively prays for me to “see the light” and open my heart. I don’t feel comfortable with this.
  • wont allow me to stay over with my partner as we’re not married but we’ve been together 12 years and have 2 kids (which is absolutely her right as it’s her home, but it kind of sets the undertone for other settings)
  • Thinks being gay is absolutely wrong and sinful and there’s no two ways about it. Despite us having gay people in the family whom she also prays for.
  • has very blatantly spoke about other religions in a less than acceptable way

Whilst I do respect her and her beliefs, AIBU to think she should let me be too? Why should I have to change how I behave just because her religion disapproves? Aside from religion, H as a person is funny, sporty, interesting and outgoing. I know none of what she says is through malice but I’m just feeling really irked at the thought of being censored on this holiday

OP posts:
hdbs17 · 27/08/2023 10:31

There's following a religion - and then there's being a bigot.

Don't go on the holiday and don't spend anytime with H. She's free to have her opinions and live her life how she chooses but so are you.

electriclight · 27/08/2023 10:34

Have you ever asked your family why they're so accommodating, why other people have to change their behaviour for her? Surely many of them feel as you do.

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 27/08/2023 10:35

I'm religious CofE .. my gosh what kind of religion is this.. one of my close friends is a Mormon.. but gosh non of our religions are like this..
Apart from my friend and alcohol ( but l don't drink either .. just because l don't like it) l mean l have wine at communion ..
I certainly would not go on holiday with them.. a holiday is to be enjoyed .. and you definitely won't enjoy it.

5128gap · 27/08/2023 10:35

Any belief system that restricts the rights of other people to engage in personal freedoms and behaviour that is legal and harms no one else, need not be complied with.
In tolerating this controlling, misogynist and homphobic behaviour you are already being more 'respectful' than I would be. There's a fine line between respect and collusion with things you know are wrong, and being silent around homophobia and complying with the control of women and girls would cross that for me.

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:37

electriclight · 27/08/2023 10:34

Have you ever asked your family why they're so accommodating, why other people have to change their behaviour for her? Surely many of them feel as you do.

Yes mostly my mum, who says that’s her choice way to live and therefore I should respect that. H lives a happy and pretty affluent life so family say her religion has been the making of her therefore we should all agree and fall in line (paraphrasing here)

OP posts:
Dinojump · 27/08/2023 10:38

Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:37

Yes mostly my mum, who says that’s her choice way to live and therefore I should respect that. H lives a happy and pretty affluent life so family say her religion has been the making of her therefore we should all agree and fall in line (paraphrasing here)

Show quote history

What religion are they part of?

Mmhmmn · 27/08/2023 10:39

She has serious issues.

No way would I be going on holiday with that. No way in hell. And I'd be creating some serious distance from her. Her views and opinions foisted on others are very damaging.

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:39

5128gap · 27/08/2023 10:35

Any belief system that restricts the rights of other people to engage in personal freedoms and behaviour that is legal and harms no one else, need not be complied with.
In tolerating this controlling, misogynist and homphobic behaviour you are already being more 'respectful' than I would be. There's a fine line between respect and collusion with things you know are wrong, and being silent around homophobia and complying with the control of women and girls would cross that for me.

Oh I definitely don’t tolerate the homophobia (or bigotry in general). I’m bisexual myself. She doesn’t know this in fairness. I advocate for all religions races and sexualities, which I suppose is why I’m seen to be the argumentative aggressor when I pull her up on it.

I guess that’s why it’s always me getting told to fall in line! I think I’ve just answered a question I’ve wondered for a while!

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 27/08/2023 10:40

I wouldn't go but if I did I would do whatever I would do normally, it is up to others what they do but no one is telling me what I can do or not

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:40

Dinojump · 27/08/2023 10:38

What religion are they part of?

Show quote history

Christianity

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 27/08/2023 10:40

Well she (and her family) sound a right barrel of laughs don't they!!
No way would I go on holiday or anywhere else with that lot, nor would I even engage with them at all.
Everyone has the right to observe a religion of their choice but they have no right to dictate to others.
I would tell.them.in no uncertain terms what I think of them, using as many swear words as I could possibly squeeze in 😉

Dinojump · 27/08/2023 10:42

Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:40

Christianity

Show quote history

Fundamentalist Christians can be hard work. What branch are they, do you know?

olympicsrock · 27/08/2023 10:43

She sounds awful. I wouldn’t go on holiday with her.
I would also shut down her bigotry and not allow her to spout homophobic views or condemn normal clothes/ alcohol in front of you or your family.

“ I’m not willing for my children or me to listen to these views”. I found this offensive. And leave the room / house if she continues.

Realistically you don’t think like each other and I can’t imagine sharing time with her is enjoyable if she can’t keep these views to herself.

Iwantcakeeveryday · 27/08/2023 10:44

I would not go on this holiday, you know it'll not be the holiday you want. You do not need to tolerate bigotry just because someone says its their religion either. She needs to be told not to speak about the relative who is gay in the way she has been. Its not ok and none of you should allow it. Wear what you want, when you want and don't ever flipping pray with them before a meal! My dads family is super religious and I ignore it all, I do not do grace, participate or avoid speaking about certain things. Tolerance goes both ways.

LondonLovie · 27/08/2023 10:44

"Yes mostly my mum, who says that’s her choice way to live and therefore I should respect that."

That works both way. So your Mum, and family, need to respect your choices. Which if it includes drinking, not saying grace and having a bikini on, so be it.

LifeIsShambolic · 27/08/2023 10:47

I would definitely go on the holiday. I would squeeze my size 20 arse in one of those edible thong bikinis and sit on the beach sipping the strongest alcoholic cocktail I could order. I would also make a big deal of checking out any of the gorgeous women that walk by (probably run this one by DH first!).
I am a complete arsehole though and have never been one to pander to nutcases.

Aprilx · 27/08/2023 10:47

You are not compatible to go on holiday together. Do your own thing.

Original poster
Tonightsthenight91 · 27/08/2023 10:47

LondonLovie · 27/08/2023 10:44

"Yes mostly my mum, who says that’s her choice way to live and therefore I should respect that."

That works both way. So your Mum, and family, need to respect your choices. Which if it includes drinking, not saying grace and having a bikini on, so be it.

My mum is the biggest drinker of us all and swears like a trooper! Understandably, it annoys me doubly that she has these opinions 😂

OP posts:
WeWereInParis · 27/08/2023 10:51

I wouldn't be going on the holiday, nor would my children be around someone with homophobic views like that.

Moroccanqueen · 27/08/2023 10:51

Respect goes both ways though doesn’t it. One of my best friends is Muslim and if I wanted to wear a string bikini on holiday or drink she wouldn’t bat an eyelid but I wouldn’t expect her to dress the same.

she has extremest old fashioned views by the sounds of it. Don’t go on the holiday, unless your taking her to sin city vegas for the comedy value 🤷‍♀️

electriclight · 27/08/2023 10:53

I think I'd go on the holiday and just do what I wanted anyway.

Do it respectfully, faux innocent, so she is the one who looks like a dick.

The only way this is reasonable is if she declined the holiday invite, as you say she declines family parties, because she doesn't want to be around certain behaviours but knows it's unreasonable to ask others not to do them - but was persuaded to come on the promise that everyone would follow her rules on this occasion.

Canyousewcushions · 27/08/2023 10:53

I wouldn't be going on the holiday.

I'd also regularly be found uttering thing like "well, you know, he who casts the first stone and all...." when they get judgey.

Thelonelygiraffe · 27/08/2023 10:55

If you respect her beliefs, she should respect yours. And no, she doesn't get to criticise/comment on/ban/censor clothing, music, tv programmes, etc.

I would not go on holiday with her.

She's a homophobic bigot.

KajsaKavat · 27/08/2023 10:55

Don’t go!!! This is stupid.

tiv2020 · 27/08/2023 10:55

I have a family member who is much the same. Prays for me too, much good it is. Same view of swearing, clothing, gays, saying grace at every meal etc.
Has been mentioning how she'd like to go on holiday together for years.
Zero chance of that, thanks. I am not interested in being in a re-education camp.